(you know, Dr. Sears?)

When I was in school, I took test-taking Very Seriously. This was extra-hilarious considering I spent most of my actual class time slouched in the back row playing Bejeweled and texting my friends things like, “OH MY FUCKING GOD, my classmates are MOUTH-breathers. Imma go all RAMBO on their asses.” Had The Twitter existed*, I’m confident that I’d have been on there all the time, filling it with my inelegant (rapier) wit.

But the moment A Test was on the horizon (which, in nursing school, was every other day), I was in my element. Synapses firing, notecards flashing, every A beaten by a higher A. I didn’t earn the semi-sarcastic nickname Super Becky Overachiever and draw comparisons to Hermione Granger by getting C’s. Also, if I’d gotten C’s, I’d have been kicked out of the program. Such is nursing school.

Now, just look at where all of those A+++++ have gotten me! I am a BLOBBER, er BLOGGER ON THE INTERNET. I CAN HAZ FREE PUBLISHING?!?


Early Intervention is coming today to reevaluate my daughter’s development. Turns out that tests? Not always so fun.

Here is my representation of how Amelia’s Evaluation will go:

Early Intervention: “So, does Amelia stack six blocks?”

Aunt Becky: “Oh yes. She stacks twenty**.”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia feed herself with a spoon?”

Aunt Becky: “Amelia wins at spoon feeding! She’s a spoon-feeding CHAMPION!”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia walk unassisted?”

Aunt Becky: “Amelia RUNS! Like the wiiinnnnnnddddd.”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and forefinger?”

Aunt Becky: “She can pick up a single grain of sand!”

Early Intervention: “Can Amelia do complex quadratic equations?”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Early Intervention (scribbles on papers triumphantly): “AH-HA! I KNEW IT!”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Early Intervention: “All other babies are doing complex quadratic equations at age two. You should really have been working with her by now. This is probably a result of bad parenting.”

Aunt Becky: “But. BUT! I don’t even KNOW what that IS!”

Early Intervention (writes down): “unfit mother.”

/end scene

Hm. I wonder if I can play the part of Amelia today. Certainly Early Intervention won’t notice if it’s a grown woman pretending to be an almost-two year old.

P.S. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*It may have existed. I don’t know if it existed. I mocked Twitter a lot before I joined it. Which, uh, HUMBLE PIE ANYONE?

**Like I actually know this.



64 Responses to Somehow, This Is All Because I Called Dr. Sears An Asshole

  • Good Lord, I can’t believe you haven’t already begun work on complex quadratic equations yet.

  • Jana A says:

    She’s gonna do great. And you should wear your SYWM shirt just for shits and giggles.

  • This is why my imagination always gets me in trouble.

  • Alena says:

    We have an EI evaluation in the coming weeks and this just made me break into a sweat.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      YEAH. EXACTLY. Brush up on your Quadratic Equations and Physical Chemistry.

      • c8h10n4o2 says:

        I can help out with the P-chem, although my stat thermo is a little rusty. Quantum and dynamics, I got down. If you can breeze through partial differential equations and Jacobeans, you’ll all be fine.

  • Here’s to hoping everything goes well. And I am positive they would not notice you playing the part of Amelia. Especially if you did one of those Soap Opera things Now Playing The Part of Amelia- Your Own Aunt Becky I mean NO ONE on the Soaps EVER noticed the person was different you just need that what is that called overdub. I might be pulling things out of my ass now. But anyway I’m positive if you do that that no one will be any the wiser. They will be like Amelia looking good.
    I too Mocked The Twitter now I can’t get enough even though no one ever talks to me on there inserting sad face here 🙁 It’s a pity party day sorry pulling myself together.
    Sending positive thoughts your way. And I am sure Amelia will kick ass and take names!!

  • This is how it should go down
    ECI: ….blah blah blah quadratic?
    AB: Quadratic! Automatic! Systematic! Hydromatic! Iz Greased Lightin’!
    (Jump on couch with long slow finger points sweeps to each side)

  • Jennifer says:

    I should never read at work…

  • My homegirl Amelia will do just fine ! Fuck a quadratic equation, she did my taxes last week and found four gajillion dollars in deductions I’d been missing for years. Oh….she didnt tell you she had a side job…??? My bad, she probably also didnt tell you about that zappos.com habit she’s forming.

  • a says:

    I don’t know AB. Judging by our email correspondence, Amelia has those quadratic equations down. We’re just having trouble with the particle in a box thing. Fucking Physical Chemistry…

  • Ali says:

    What is a quadratic equation??? wasn’t it destroyed from the universe by Google??? heh heh… still laughing at Val’s comment.. you should totally do that!!! LMAO

  • Seeing as how Amelia is my fake internet niece, she is going to be just fine with this test.

    As for quadratic equations, you never use that shit in real life. All high school math teachers are paid to be effing liars. (Also? Why the hell bother to figure out what X equals if it’s just a different freaking number in the next problem?!)

  • No Good says:

    Make sure they know about Couch Jesus. Impressive!!!

  • No Good says:

    Make sure they know about Couch Jesus. Impressive!!!

  • Tell them she skipped right over quadratic equations and is now working on string theory. Then hand her some yarn to demonstrate

  • Jayme says:

    All I got out this was a sense of anxiety about test-taking. I’m a HORRRRIBLE test taker. Despite even my bestest of best efforts. Oh! and I’m trying to get into nursing school. .. Great.

  • pattypunker says:

    tell them she’s done with quadratic equations and already moved on to octoratic equations – double the complexity, fuckers.

  • I had to go back and read about how you called the esteemed doctor an asshole.

    Because as far as I’m concerned, that language really isn’t strong enough.

  • DrLori71 says:

    Wow, I didn’t know Illinois still had money for EI services. Just kidding. Sort of. 🙂
    Good luck with the re-evaluation!

  • PBBDesigns says:

    Remind me NOT to read Aunt Becky at work. Immagonnagetfired!

  • PBBDesigns says:

    Remind me NOT to read Aunt Becky at work. Immagonnagetfired!

  • GingerB says:

    Once you qualify for EI and have a gazillion visits, the first one seems less terrifying (especially when you are on your 5th case manager in 18 months, some of whom you never even saw because only the therapists actually come around) but the first time or three they came for us I was seriously afraid someone would figure out I was not qualified enough to care for someone with a complex medical condition and they’d just cart her off. Medical people can have the same effect, until I figure out they actually don’t know more about my daughter than I do. When I was preparing to spring my first former preemie daughter out of the hospital for the first time I kept asking shit-stupid questions like “how often should I take her temperature?” so the nurses would think I was alert enough to handle the situation. (Smacks head with something hard for ever wasting brain cells in such pathetic ways) Remember how much you know about 1) mothering (witness child 1 and 2) and 2) your own kids, and 3) Amelia’s naturally occurring super-powers. You can do this, Becks. You can.

  • nicole says:

    just dazzle them with her tricks! or distract them with a dinosaur when the quadratic equations come up. or punch them. punching is sometimes the answer

  • Amanda Clay says:

    I’m sure you hear this a lot, but we are the same person.
    The overachieving? Me (but times a million and waaaaaay better.) The hating my classmates for being idiots in class whilst doing idiotic things in class? Me. The hatred of Dr. Sears. Yep (see my comment since I’m new and went back to read that post.)

    You’re hilarious and you’re my new favorite. I think I’ll keep you. Kthxbye.

  • Pale says:

    Parenting + Helpless = Hell On Earth

    “Early Intervention is such a great thing.” Yes it is. Kiss my @$$.


  • TheTameOne says:

    I had a friend who’s siblings taught their baby sister all the wrong animal sounds and then she blew her check up. Screw ’em. You’re the mommy. You know how she is doing.

  • Rebecca says:

    When she’s being evaluated though, that is the time to downplay what she does well so you can focus on what you believe she needs help on.

  • HumorSmith says:

    Thanks AB. Now I have a quadratic equations complex.

  • SharleneT
    Twitter: SolarChief

    Okay. I’ve failed. I can’t be a two-year-old in the 21st Century. Thank God I graduated in the 20th.Phew… Ask the interviewer if he/she can give you the unilateral hypotenuse of a spelingual dactoid and casually mention that everyone in your husband’s family can not only do it on paper, they can discuss it without using paper! Your kid’s just fine at whatever level she is and the can just… wait, I’m sure you’ve got it under control… Come visit when you’re through sputterin’…

  • Desi says:

    Sending postive thoughts your way.

    Also, are you planning on reading her Amelia Bedelia books (or do you already do that)? Because it would be swesome.

  • Kelly says:

    Mimi will be full of the awesome, just like her Mama.

  • Ok, I’m still stuck on the image of you sitting in class texting…you mean, on a CELL PHONE? Shit, girl, how old are you? 12? ROFL

  • MY baby knew her quadratic equations at 18 months. So there.

  • Lance says:

    Did you know that overachieving two year old children are 72 percent more likely to be meth addicted whores at age 17?

    I don’t think that’s true but if it makes you feel better, run with it.

    I have 3 girls 6, 7, and 15. None of them were booby fed, none of them liked baby einstein videos, none of them listened to classical music. All of them are in the top of their classes, read at higher levels than they are and have manners. Amelia will be fine.

  • Becca says:

    I don’t know why you haven’t already found her a tutor to prepare for college, you slacker!! We love you and I know Mimi will totally kick ass. And also, I think she could probably intimidate them into giving her what she wants! 🙂

  • Kristy says:

    I hate loud mouth breathers!

    Anyways, hope it all goes just fine. They are not judging you as a mother, unless they are assholes. My son has gone through some of those, and as a school psychologist, I also have been a part of some of those. Hopefully, they make you feel comfortable and you leave feeling supported and understood. I hope!

  • MrsLaLa says:

    Thinking of you today. I hope it goes well (I’m sure it will). Either way it’s a win, right? The services are great but if she doesn’t need them, that’s great too. That’s how I thought of it at least. The twins got services for two and a half years, they graduate next month. ((hugs))

  • Melissa says:

    Well? How did it go? You know I have no patience… “tap tap tap”

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    Feel free to tell the early intervention person that Amelia is enrolled in my course and doing marvelously on her neuroscience thesis – I’ll totally cover for you.

  • Momma Chaos says:

    Good luck! Let us know how it goes. I just personally love when EI says ” Is TheToddler doing xyx ?” and I say no, he’s never done that yet. Then he immediately does xyx in front of them just to make me into a liar. Ugh!

  • Sharon says:

    She’ll be okay as long as they don’t ask if purple is a flavour…

  • sue j. says:

    “The sum of the square root of two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the third side.” Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Or possibly Dr. Sears. I get a little fuzzy when it comes to math.

  • Lippy says:

    I will tell my Algebra kids they are totally behind the two year olds. I can’t get them to solve jack shit. Hope it went well.

  • Sarah P says:

    She’s probably fine. By the time Amelia’s in high school, she’ll be sending telepathic messages to her friends’ brain chips about how unevolved you are.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream

    Chica, your daughter rocks and you are an awesome mommy even if you’ve totally slacked off on working on quadratic equations.

  • I always was super antsy when Buddy would have his EI “assessments”. They always made me feel inferior and sometimes angry. One speech therapist gave him a RAISIN at 9 mos old (he didn’t have tooth #1 until 13 mos). I snatched that raisin from his fat little fist and said, “He could CHOKE on this!” She didn’t give him anymore raisins. I KNOW she was scribbling “Non-compliant parent” on his chart. Hee hee!

    Just go with the flow, as tough as that seems. She’ll do fine and so will you. 🙂

  • c8h10n4o2 says:

    Tell them that she’s far more interested in linear algebra because it’s more applicable to her first love: classical mechanics. Then offer to have her transform an elastic collision in an I6 space to a C3 space.

    They won’t know what the hell you’re talking about either. Only my physics prof did, and he was a hard-core theorist.

  • Amanda says:

    This made me laugh so hard. Especially the part about whether or not she can stack SIX blocks. Where do they come up with this stuff?

    I always go into my kid’s DR appointments super smug about how awesome I am. Then something always comes up that totally leaves me feeling like a shit head. Here’s the story of how my daughter made me look like as asshole this last time:


  • Yeah, those kinds of tests are tricky. You want your kid to be themselves because, if they DO need help, you want them to qualify for it! BUT. If they DO need help, that means that they, well, need HELP. And that kinda sucks even though you want to be all “I’m OKAY with this! My kid is AWESOME no matter what!” And he/she IS awesome. But it still sucks to have to prove it to a test-giver.

    I feel ya, girl.

  • I would simply tell them that complex quadratic equations is baby stuff. Amelia is now developing a counter theory about Chaos. And she makes pretty pictures when she uses it.

  • sam says:

    In my state EI is called Early Start. My son was 18ish months old during his eval and they asked about his drinking from an open cup. What? Are they high? Why would you give a small person an open cup when they don’t have any reason to care if they dump in on the ground?? Apparently I failed this part. That’s ok, he failed many other parts, too.

  • sam says:

    In my state EI is called Early Start. My son was 18ish months old during his eval and they asked about his drinking from an open cup. What? Are they high? Why would you give a small person an open cup when they don’t have any reason to care if they dump in on the ground?? Apparently I failed this part. That’s ok, he failed many other parts, too.

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