(you know, Dr. Sears?)

When I was in school, I took test-taking Very Seriously. This was extra-hilarious considering I spent most of my actual class time slouched in the back row playing Bejeweled and texting my friends things like, “OH MY FUCKING GOD, my classmates are MOUTH-breathers. Imma go all RAMBO on their asses.” Had The Twitter existed*, I’m confident that I’d have been on there all the time, filling it with my inelegant (rapier) wit.

But the moment A Test was on the horizon (which, in nursing school, was every other day), I was in my element. Synapses firing, notecards flashing, every A beaten by a higher A. I didn’t earn the semi-sarcastic nickname Super Becky Overachiever and draw comparisons to Hermione Granger by getting C’s. Also, if I’d gotten C’s, I’d have been kicked out of the program. Such is nursing school.

Now, just look at where all of those A+++++ have gotten me! I am a BLOBBER, er BLOGGER ON THE INTERNET. I CAN HAZ FREE PUBLISHING?!?


Early Intervention is coming today to reevaluate my daughter’s development. Turns out that tests? Not always so fun.

Here is my representation of how Amelia’s Evaluation will go:

Early Intervention: “So, does Amelia stack six blocks?”

Aunt Becky: “Oh yes. She stacks twenty**.”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia feed herself with a spoon?”

Aunt Becky: “Amelia wins at spoon feeding! She’s a spoon-feeding CHAMPION!”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia walk unassisted?”

Aunt Becky: “Amelia RUNS! Like the wiiinnnnnnddddd.”

Early Intervention: “Does Amelia pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and forefinger?”

Aunt Becky: “She can pick up a single grain of sand!”

Early Intervention: “Can Amelia do complex quadratic equations?”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Early Intervention (scribbles on papers triumphantly): “AH-HA! I KNEW IT!”

Aunt Becky: “….”

Early Intervention: “All other babies are doing complex quadratic equations at age two. You should really have been working with her by now. This is probably a result of bad parenting.”

Aunt Becky: “But. BUT! I don’t even KNOW what that IS!”

Early Intervention (writes down): “unfit mother.”

/end scene

Hm. I wonder if I can play the part of Amelia today. Certainly Early Intervention won’t notice if it’s a grown woman pretending to be an almost-two year old.

P.S. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*It may have existed. I don’t know if it existed. I mocked Twitter a lot before I joined it. Which, uh, HUMBLE PIE ANYONE?

**Like I actually know this.

64 thoughts on “Somehow, This Is All Because I Called Dr. Sears An Asshole

      1. I can help out with the P-chem, although my stat thermo is a little rusty. Quantum and dynamics, I got down. If you can breeze through partial differential equations and Jacobeans, you’ll all be fine.

  1. Here’s to hoping everything goes well. And I am positive they would not notice you playing the part of Amelia. Especially if you did one of those Soap Opera things Now Playing The Part of Amelia- Your Own Aunt Becky I mean NO ONE on the Soaps EVER noticed the person was different you just need that what is that called overdub. I might be pulling things out of my ass now. But anyway I’m positive if you do that that no one will be any the wiser. They will be like Amelia looking good.
    I too Mocked The Twitter now I can’t get enough even though no one ever talks to me on there inserting sad face here 🙁 It’s a pity party day sorry pulling myself together.
    Sending positive thoughts your way. And I am sure Amelia will kick ass and take names!!

      1. Make it that really confusing mood lighting from All My Children. I don’t watch the show but every time I am flipping through the channels and I see it and it’s all fuzzy I am like WTF did one of my kids put Vaseline on the TV while I looked away for a second or am I losing my sight. That would throw them off completely. And you could totally pull it off.

  2. This is how it should go down
    ECI: ….blah blah blah quadratic?
    AB: Quadratic! Automatic! Systematic! Hydromatic! Iz Greased Lightin’!
    (Jump on couch with long slow finger points sweeps to each side)

    1. AB will totally have to get her wolf t’shirt sleeves rolled up for that one! Slick back the sides Becky and rock on!

  3. My homegirl Amelia will do just fine ! Fuck a quadratic equation, she did my taxes last week and found four gajillion dollars in deductions I’d been missing for years. Oh….she didnt tell you she had a side job…??? My bad, she probably also didnt tell you about that zappos.com habit she’s forming.

  4. I don’t know AB. Judging by our email correspondence, Amelia has those quadratic equations down. We’re just having trouble with the particle in a box thing. Fucking Physical Chemistry…

  5. What is a quadratic equation??? wasn’t it destroyed from the universe by Google??? heh heh… still laughing at Val’s comment.. you should totally do that!!! LMAO

  6. Seeing as how Amelia is my fake internet niece, she is going to be just fine with this test.

    As for quadratic equations, you never use that shit in real life. All high school math teachers are paid to be effing liars. (Also? Why the hell bother to figure out what X equals if it’s just a different freaking number in the next problem?!)

  7. All I got out this was a sense of anxiety about test-taking. I’m a HORRRRIBLE test taker. Despite even my bestest of best efforts. Oh! and I’m trying to get into nursing school. .. Great.

  8. Once you qualify for EI and have a gazillion visits, the first one seems less terrifying (especially when you are on your 5th case manager in 18 months, some of whom you never even saw because only the therapists actually come around) but the first time or three they came for us I was seriously afraid someone would figure out I was not qualified enough to care for someone with a complex medical condition and they’d just cart her off. Medical people can have the same effect, until I figure out they actually don’t know more about my daughter than I do. When I was preparing to spring my first former preemie daughter out of the hospital for the first time I kept asking shit-stupid questions like “how often should I take her temperature?” so the nurses would think I was alert enough to handle the situation. (Smacks head with something hard for ever wasting brain cells in such pathetic ways) Remember how much you know about 1) mothering (witness child 1 and 2) and 2) your own kids, and 3) Amelia’s naturally occurring super-powers. You can do this, Becks. You can.

  9. just dazzle them with her tricks! or distract them with a dinosaur when the quadratic equations come up. or punch them. punching is sometimes the answer

  10. I’m sure you hear this a lot, but we are the same person.
    The overachieving? Me (but times a million and waaaaaay better.) The hating my classmates for being idiots in class whilst doing idiotic things in class? Me. The hatred of Dr. Sears. Yep (see my comment since I’m new and went back to read that post.)

    You’re hilarious and you’re my new favorite. I think I’ll keep you. Kthxbye.

  11. I had a friend who’s siblings taught their baby sister all the wrong animal sounds and then she blew her check up. Screw ’em. You’re the mommy. You know how she is doing.

  12. Okay. I’ve failed. I can’t be a two-year-old in the 21st Century. Thank God I graduated in the 20th.Phew… Ask the interviewer if he/she can give you the unilateral hypotenuse of a spelingual dactoid and casually mention that everyone in your husband’s family can not only do it on paper, they can discuss it without using paper! Your kid’s just fine at whatever level she is and the can just… wait, I’m sure you’ve got it under control… Come visit when you’re through sputterin’…

  13. Sending postive thoughts your way.

    Also, are you planning on reading her Amelia Bedelia books (or do you already do that)? Because it would be swesome.

  14. Did you know that overachieving two year old children are 72 percent more likely to be meth addicted whores at age 17?

    I don’t think that’s true but if it makes you feel better, run with it.

    I have 3 girls 6, 7, and 15. None of them were booby fed, none of them liked baby einstein videos, none of them listened to classical music. All of them are in the top of their classes, read at higher levels than they are and have manners. Amelia will be fine.

  15. I don’t know why you haven’t already found her a tutor to prepare for college, you slacker!! We love you and I know Mimi will totally kick ass. And also, I think she could probably intimidate them into giving her what she wants! 🙂

  16. I hate loud mouth breathers!

    Anyways, hope it all goes just fine. They are not judging you as a mother, unless they are assholes. My son has gone through some of those, and as a school psychologist, I also have been a part of some of those. Hopefully, they make you feel comfortable and you leave feeling supported and understood. I hope!

  17. Thinking of you today. I hope it goes well (I’m sure it will). Either way it’s a win, right? The services are great but if she doesn’t need them, that’s great too. That’s how I thought of it at least. The twins got services for two and a half years, they graduate next month. ((hugs))

  18. Feel free to tell the early intervention person that Amelia is enrolled in my course and doing marvelously on her neuroscience thesis – I’ll totally cover for you.

  19. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. I just personally love when EI says ” Is TheToddler doing xyx ?” and I say no, he’s never done that yet. Then he immediately does xyx in front of them just to make me into a liar. Ugh!

  20. “The sum of the square root of two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the third side.” Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Or possibly Dr. Sears. I get a little fuzzy when it comes to math.

  21. She’s probably fine. By the time Amelia’s in high school, she’ll be sending telepathic messages to her friends’ brain chips about how unevolved you are.

  22. I always was super antsy when Buddy would have his EI “assessments”. They always made me feel inferior and sometimes angry. One speech therapist gave him a RAISIN at 9 mos old (he didn’t have tooth #1 until 13 mos). I snatched that raisin from his fat little fist and said, “He could CHOKE on this!” She didn’t give him anymore raisins. I KNOW she was scribbling “Non-compliant parent” on his chart. Hee hee!

    Just go with the flow, as tough as that seems. She’ll do fine and so will you. 🙂

  23. Tell them that she’s far more interested in linear algebra because it’s more applicable to her first love: classical mechanics. Then offer to have her transform an elastic collision in an I6 space to a C3 space.

    They won’t know what the hell you’re talking about either. Only my physics prof did, and he was a hard-core theorist.

  24. This made me laugh so hard. Especially the part about whether or not she can stack SIX blocks. Where do they come up with this stuff?

    I always go into my kid’s DR appointments super smug about how awesome I am. Then something always comes up that totally leaves me feeling like a shit head. Here’s the story of how my daughter made me look like as asshole this last time:


  25. Yeah, those kinds of tests are tricky. You want your kid to be themselves because, if they DO need help, you want them to qualify for it! BUT. If they DO need help, that means that they, well, need HELP. And that kinda sucks even though you want to be all “I’m OKAY with this! My kid is AWESOME no matter what!” And he/she IS awesome. But it still sucks to have to prove it to a test-giver.

    I feel ya, girl.

  26. In my state EI is called Early Start. My son was 18ish months old during his eval and they asked about his drinking from an open cup. What? Are they high? Why would you give a small person an open cup when they don’t have any reason to care if they dump in on the ground?? Apparently I failed this part. That’s ok, he failed many other parts, too.

  27. In my state EI is called Early Start. My son was 18ish months old during his eval and they asked about his drinking from an open cup. What? Are they high? Why would you give a small person an open cup when they don’t have any reason to care if they dump in on the ground?? Apparently I failed this part. That’s ok, he failed many other parts, too.

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