Last night, after I punched myself in the ‘nads for fucking with my roses too early, I got online and began to work on a resource page for teen mental illness.
Don’t tell me, I’ll tell you: I KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
When I was as done as I was going to be, I IM’d my friend, Tooks, to proof the page which was approximately the size and shape of a novel, and included such phrases as “fuck yeah, teens can have mental illnesses.”
(WELL, IT’S TRUE)
Aunt Becky: “Hey, can you proof teen mental illness for me?”
Aunt Becky goes to work on another page while watching a video about dancing hamsters.
Tooks: “I don’t know if kids are going to understand the phrase ‘Drink the Kool-Aid.”
Aunt Becky: “…”
Immediately takes to The Twitter:
“Was just informed that kids might not understand the phrase, “drink the Kool-Aid. WHAT’S WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS?”
“APPARENTLY, we need a new cult with a suicide pact.”
“That came out wrong. DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS. STAY IN SCHOOL.”
I then turned to the two male occupants of my house, “You DO know what drinking the Kool-Aid means, right?”
Ben (The Guy On My Couch): “Yeah, it’s about Waco.”
Aunt Becky: “No. It’s not. Waco had the fires.”
Ben: “And the Kool-Aid.”
Aunt Becky: “Not all cult massacres involve Kool-Aid. Oh wait, didn’t those comet people use Kool-Aid too?”
Ben: “The Hail-Bopp comet?”
Aunt Becky: “Yeah, they were in California.”
Ben: “No, they were in Texas.”
Aunt Becky: “No, that was Waco.”
Ben: “Well, that was before California joined the Union.”
Aunt Becky: “It was in like 1996.”
Ben: “YEAH, EXACTLY. BEFORE CALIFORNIA JOINED THE UNION.”
Aunt Becky: “Not all cults stem from Waco, Ben.”
Aunt Becky: “Like the Jonestown Massacre – WHERE THEY DRANK THE KOOL-AID.”
Ben: “That was also in Waco.”
Aunt Becky: “No, that was Jim Jones. In AFRICA.”
Ben: “Africa is in Waco, right?”
Aunt Becky: “I thought I was bad with geography.”
Looks at kids who have thrown cushions around the room, “Guys, pick up the cushions or I’ll go all Waco on you.”
Two sets of eyes rolled simultaneously, as they did, in fact, pick up the cushions.
I can’t wait to try the Branch Davidians method of getting them up in the mornings. Got my iPod and my stereo all ready to play some AC/DC. At 11.
Because it GOES to 11.