(I am pretty sure that you guys built The Daver up so thoroughly that he’s going to be fighting me tooth and nail to guest post on my blog. Which, hi, AWESOME. Except he’s WAY NICER than I am, so there’s that. Maybe I’ll make him blog on Saturdays for me after he’s done rubbing my feet and giving me a manicure and washing the floor with his tongue except OH WAIT HAHAHAHAHA!

That’s right, he barely posts on HIS BLOG!

If you bug him enough, maybe he’ll post here.)

Christmas in my house growing up was always a pretty understated affair. A simple candle in each window, popcorn and cranberries hung on the tree and tasteful ornaments hung just-so on the freshly-chopped-down-ourselves tree. It drove me bonkers.

If I’d had it my way, Christmas would have vomited all over my house, spewing tinsel and garland from floor to ceiling, the more, the tackier, the blinkier, the better. I admired the displays in the stores with something akin to lust as my mother pulled me through, always calling my choices “tacky.”

The one year that I saved up my allowance, snuck off to the store and bought tinsel to decorate the tree with overnight, she was FURIOUS. Partially because it was “hideous” but mainly because our stupid cats ate the tinsel and dragged cat turds around the house dangling from their buttholes like homemade garland.

It was fucking hilarious.

Watching her chase our indignant and semi-retarded cats around the house pulling those strands of poo garland out of their poo holes, man, that was comedy gold. Consider that mental picture my Hanukkah gift to YOU.

As I got older and started to have to decorate for Christmas ourselves, we’ve toed the line between broke-as-shit and we-don’t-give-a-shit. I’m not a huge holiday decorator anyway, because that would imply that I’m some sort of decorator in the first place, which is something I’m going to have to eventually hire someone for. I have no eye. I’ll have to pay to use another person’s eye.

We’ve always done two trees, though.

My sweet Blue Christmas Tree that they will have to pry out of my cold, dead hands. I got it from my sister-in-law’s mother, and it’s a vintage aluminum white tree. Fuck to the YES:

Blue Xmas Tree

And then your standard fresh Christmas tree with the hokey ornaments. Generally without garland and always with the garish plastic balls. We have small kids, puppies and, well, The Daver. OBVIOUSLY. I’m pretty okay with fake everything else (read: boob job) but I’m insistent on the real tree.

This year we also have Mimi, who is a crawling machine that likes to chew on everything from dog food to batteries and, well, we decided that maybe a real tree or a tree that was made in 1960 was perhaps a bad idea.

I considered trying to put one of my orchids on the floor, but then realized that no one was going to sing, O! Christmas Orchid and besides, I love my orchids too much to put them on the floor. I DO have priorities. Then I thought that maybe I could dress up one of the kids as a tree and they could rotate who had to Play Tree today, but I realized that that was probably torturing them more than was necessary, so I scrapped that idea too.

Eventually, Dave and I came to the conclusion that the only way to do this was to buy another fake tree that wasn’t dripping with lead paint and other combustible radioactive bits for our baby to eat. So we did. We bought a cheap fake tree and all the garland I could find (except that I totally didn’t buy enough*) as well as some glittery snowflakes that didn’t require those metal hooks that were certain to pierce my daughter’s colon after she ate them.

The final result, well let’s just say that no drag queen will ever speak to me again, but my younger self is beaming proudly:

Ugly Ass Tree

My children had a freaking BLAST decorating it, and what you cannot see is my daughter climbing around underneath it like a monkey. She was probably looking for an electrical cord to munch on or some plutonium to make a bomb from. 1.21 GIGWATTS! **

Alex Wraps, Yo


For example, rather than toys, my children will be seen playing happily with:

*Red Solo Cups, like you paid $5 at keggers. Yes. A bag of those.

*A Bag Of Straws (not even the wrapped ones!)

*Wrapping Paper (and not even the fancy ornamental pretty stuff!)

Yes, I know, Aunt Becky just ruined your Christmas. Sorry. You can return those gifts and buy yourself stuff. Or better yet, send ME the money! YAY!

Mimi is BEYOND This

Amelia says, “Mom, if that’s so true, why the hell do you have a stockpile of crap for us upstairs?”


*math is hard

**WTF am I talking about?

164 thoughts on “Doing My Inner Drag Queen (semi) Proud

  1. Hi to the fucking larious. Also, the cat poop. I peed as I laughed so hard. Seriously, you can’t say things like that while I am at work. They thought I was dying and whipped out the heart shocker thingy.

  2. Oh, the homemade cat poo tinsel garland. I love me some tinsel, but I finally gave it up because I hate doing manual cat-ass extractions. Ew.

    Also? Garland purchasing is hard to estimate. No matter how many I buy, I alwys end up two garlands short. how does THAt happen?

    1. omg! my mom did the same, but she pinned the garland-tree-outline on the net curtain in the lounge. like one of those chalk outlines of bodies *shudder*. later years she would pin a strip of christmas lights on the curtain so (wait for it) you could see it from outside also. eek fucking double cringe.

      @AB: btw did you know that people read your most awesome blog even in africa (that’s where i live, where it is now high summer and where i have to wait until mid-afternoon for your blog to appear because of the time difference)? just thought you might like to know that.

  3. Damn, I want to go buys some tinsel just to see the glittery poop. Does it work on dogs? I would take pictures of it too because I am that sick.

    The aluminum tree is AWESOME! I always do a Christmas ornament craft with the boys. This year it was painting foam balls red and sticking candy canes in them so they look like satellites. They thought it sucked. Very sticky.

    1. The tree is awesome and it’s in the basement and I want it up so badly that I could cry. And that craft sounds, sorry, kinda like it sucks. Anything sticky makes me anxious. I have issues.

  4. Your children are completely adorable. Daver was a great guest blogger, but you are still better than him. At that, anyway. I tried tinsel this year and left it for a whole 12 hours before I realized I am not a tinsel person. Something about covering my tree in $500.00 worth of carefully selected ornaments (an investment in my early 20’s) then putting $.50 of silvery stuff all over it just didn’t go over too well.

  5. Tinsel cat poo? My dreams will be haunted and my nightmares blessed.

    I like your blue tree. The hubs and I considered purchasing a black tree from Waldemort but I had already put garland (cat poo?) on the HoliDale.


      But a black tree? ROCK ON.

      1. Holy fuck ass damn box, your tree is not blue! The blue balls (haha!) got me before the coffee kicked in. Pardon my insolence. D:

        I think that we might get that freaking black tree next year. Shit yeah!

  6. Oh man, I have so seen the tinsel poo from the cats. And it was when we were teenagers, and yes, same hilarity from our Mom.

  7. Tinsel poop AND a metal Christmas tree *swoon* I’m in love! Sorry you had to forgo the good stuff, but YAY for being such a selfless mother! You WERE thinking of the children!!!!

  8. And now I will go and rinse my skull out with bleach to eliminate the memory of poo-garland coming from a cat’s anus.

    Thank you, Aunt Becky. You are like the Christmas gift that keeps on giving.

  9. Woo hoo! We’d love to buy a fake tree, but our daughter won’t let us. Most of the time she has to follow our rules, but if it’s that important to our 9 year old to have a real tree, we’ll do it if we can. And “the boys” are only rolling around, so no worries about them getting into the tree this year. We have tons of ornaments that we’ve collected over the 17 years my DH and I have been together, so it’s lots of fun to decorate the tree.

    1. Your daughter is AWESOME. You can come over and revel in the hideousness of our fake tree. It’s SO ugly that I can hardly stand it. I didn’t show you a full frontal shot because it’s THAT UGLY. It’s patchy and hideous.

  10. That tree, the white one, is fucking awesome. So jealous right now.

    And, umm, we’re still finding tinsil from 3 years ago. Which is why I wasn’t allowed to use it this year.

    I am the queen of tacky. Or at least that’s what Philip says. He’s always surprised when I say that I like something tasteful.

      1. Dude, I’ve been thinking the same thing, but I didn’t want to say it because what if you didn’t agree? Then I’d be that crazy stalker chic, which would just make this whole thing awkward. And, like we need anything else to feel awkward about.

  11. I almost set up 2 trees this year, just because I had them…fortunately since I had a distinct lack of help from anyone else in the house, I was able to control myself and only put up one.

  12. OMG! Tinsel poop? Hilarious for everyone – except for the one who has to clean it up.

    Love the tree – now do you have the pine scented spray to fill the house?

  13. I think that you should totally set up a Christmas Orchid anyway. Maybe as a subject for your next photoblogging endeavor? Make Daver play Charlie Brown, and then ridicule him for bringing home the stupidest Christmas tree/orchid ever.

  14. I thought only black people and born agains had white Christmas trees. I love it. It’s just tacky enough. Perfect!

  15. Tinsel cat-poo garland . . . makes me wish we had a cat when I was a kid, would have loved to watch my mom chasing after tinsel poo!!!

    And really, presents – who needs them when you can bash the crap out of a sibling with an empty wrapping paper tube! Maybe that is where the idea for the light-saber came from.

    I do decorate but no tree. I go away at Christmas and am too darn lazy to put up a fake tree only to leave.

    Love the look on Mimi’s face, that child is going to have some serious attitude. Poor Mommy.

    1. Mimi is going to whip my ass no doubt in my mind, but I think I’m okay with that. Also, I’m going to join in and whip ALL of their asses when we fight with empty wrapping paper tubes. They have NO IDEA how badly they’re in for it πŸ˜‰

    1. If those cats had had any more brain cells, it would have been more tragic. As it was, they were pretty stupid and I’m not sure they noticed that they were dragging poo around the house. I wish I had a video of it because I would be a YouTube sensation.

  16. HAHAHA! We had tinsel dog poop one year, the last year we had tinsel now that I think about it. We had one of those white aluminum trees too.

    I’d love to go nuts with Xmas decor all over the house, complete with Xmas tablecloth, napkins, chair covers and curtains. But I have no place to store it the rest of the year. (And DH is beyond grateful for that.)

  17. OH my… we used to call it “flossing the cat” and that is the reason we don’t use tinsel or that curling ribbon stuff… also why we can’t put bows on presents (cats LOVE to chew them) and why I have to spray my fake tree with Bitter Apple each year to keep my little furry buddies from chewing the damned tree too!

  18. Plutonium, OR…a well-timed bolt of lightning.

    Oscar’s favorite thing to do is play in the recycling bin, which feels a bit Dickensian to me, but it saves on toys.

    I am DREADING Christmas and the pile of battery-operated blinky shit and clothing covered in footballs that Oscar is going to get from grandparents and relatives.

    1. I’ve learned to live and let live with that stuff. With my first I was all “THAT SHIT IS SO ANNOYING” and now I’m all, “eh, if it entertains them for more than 5 minutes.” Which is how I feel about the recycling bin. HA.

  19. I am not a fan of tinsel (maybe because I don’t have cats!) or garland. I bought bead garland, and as irritating as it is to unravel that every year, it’s better than vacumming up bits of shiny stuff all year long. I don’t know where that shit hides. But, that is also the reason why I do not get real trees…because I do not wish to vacuum up needles all year. If not for my daughter I wouldn’t even bother with a tree at all…

    1. I can totally see why you don’t want a tree or tinsel. The damn garland on the tree wept all over the carpet and we’re all going to be shitting out pieces of it. Which is actually kinda rad.

  20. “…mainly because our stupid cats ate the tinsel and dragged cat turds around the house dangling from their buttholes like homemade garland…”

    Bwahahahahaha!!!!!! Holy shit, that WAS the best Hannukah gift ever. EVER! I’m going to laugh about that all. day.

  21. Those cats. Oh, those fabulous, garland-shitting cats. You’ve just given me my Christmas present.

    We took the baby to my husband’s work, and he played with empty water bottles from the big water-tank for thirty minutes straight. I totally wanted Paul to steal one for the baby’s Christmas gift.

  22. Not only do I have a AED (automatic electronic defibrillator) at work. They taught me how to use it. Scary right. Might be because it is automatic and I trained monkey could do it. With more poop throwing of course.

  23. Dude, my baby is fucking cute.

    I am so not a tacky lover….simple and elegant and boring compared to your style…but love it.

    And yeah, who needs toys? They’ll play with a box. Or paper. Or their toes.

  24. I had a really hard time reading that post. At least the parts after the cat garland poo. It’s really hard to read when you have tears streaming down your face and you’re shaking with laughter.

    I’ll never look at tinsel or garland the same way again.

  25. (1) Your kids are so cute.
    (2) I have a white tree. Not vintage, not aluminum. Tacky to the utmost, and I LOVE it. It makes me so happy. Also, I love your white tree and am trying not to covet.

      1. Yes, they do, actually. I’ve seen it at WalMart, where everyone’s inner drag queen shops. At least, that’s where mine shops. But she’s a white trash redneck, so you have to take that into account.

  26. Awwww. Mimi’s hair is getting long. I’m crossing fingers that Larissa holds off on crawling until the new year. And the white tree is inspired. Once I get all these ankle biters to a decent age, I fully plan to have my OWN tree – and it’s gonna rock.

  27. My fake tree is black and adorned with marabou and pink lights. I crowned it with a rhinestone tiara last night while my 3 daughters looked on and made gagging/retching noises.

    Thing 1: “Does it have to be so girly?”
    Thing 2: “Gross”
    Thing 3: “Oh my god this is so embarrassing, I can’t invite my friends over during the WHOLE Christmas holiday”.

    Me: “Get a job!”

    Who says parenting has to relevant?


      1. Is that a real question?
        Haven’t you been getting the chocolates and flowers I send you?
        Bring the kids!
        There’s a ton of stray dog food and rogue batteries for them to snack on and you
        can bring whats-his-name if you want but he’s going to have to stop being all nurturing, sweet and sensitive and shit. Mama don’t play dat chez nous and I’d hate for him
        to get my daughters all spoiled and used to it.

  28. OMG! I never thought about what would happen if the cat ate the tinsel. He can already empty a room if he farts…adding shine to it would make it that much better!

    And who cares if the tree is pretty, as long as the kids have fun? πŸ™‚

    1. Maybe that’s what I should do to the kids!

      And the kids, WOW, they had a blast. It was SO worth it. Especially when I saw them all crawling underneath it and realized we made the right call.

  29. I used to put little cinnamon scented pinecones everywhere, but I too have cats….and if you think tinsel turds are fun, you should smell the glory of cinnamon cat puke.

  30. We are going for the tacky in a big way this year. For all the purists, I have the perfect answer: “It’s IRONIC!” (It’s not.)

  31. What the?! Alex? Is that you? When did you go and get all big and kid-like? And when did he start looking like The Daver was the one who pushed him out his nether regions? Mimi, though, totally your girl.

  32. Thanks for the Hannukah gift. Except I’m Catholic, but whatever. That visual was excellent!!

    And that list? Is exactly what my kids play with on a regular basis. Those red cups are what my husband calls “fine china”. And my exact words after we realized that they were the perfect toy for our first baby: “Dude, it looks like we just threw a kegger in here.”

  33. Cat poop garland. I am laughing so fucking hard I woke both of the girls up from their naps. Totally worth it.

    Even better than Solo cups? Plastic water bottles filled with water and a few drops of food coloring (superglue the lid on to avoid the call to 911.) My kids will roll those things around for HOURS. Their love off all things shiny and colorful made me think that tinsel would be a ton of fun to have on the tree. Knowing what it does to cats and knowing that my children all have major oral fixations with, well, EVERYTHING, I think I will skip the tinsel this year. I do not need Briar’s Huggies wishing me Merry Christmas.

  34. That white tree looks like something out of a ’70’s time warp. If there had been a Christmas scene in the movie ‘Shaft’ that would have been the tree in the scene.

  35. I love “tacky”. Every time I see the color coordinated trees with white lights only, I yawn and look around for Martha ™ because she must be around somewhere.

    To me the tree should have at least 200 ft of multicolored lights wrapped around it, silver and gold garland, and random brightly colored ornaments. I could take or leave the tinsel…this year I did without because of the cat situation.

    Oh, and also – for a patchy artificial christmas tree, wrap some artificial pine garland around it pretty close to the “trunk” – about 1 garland strand per 3 ft of tree height. It made my vary pathetic looking dollar-store christmas tree look full and lush. Really. The transformation was almost as dramatic as when the Peanuts gang use Snoopy’s decorations to fix Chuck’s tree in “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!”

  36. There is not one Christmas decoration out yet at my house. I’m in denial…and there’s been remodeling projects the last couple weeks, and there is no way in hell that I am going to dust a Christmas tree.
    I appreciate frilly matchy-match decorated trees…but I get gooey at the sight of kid decorated, heavily tinseled, grade school kid fashioned ornamented trees. Christmas is a million times more fun with little kids, and I didn’t even like Christmas until I had my own kids and could give them all the crap I never got.
    I’m positive my kids played along with the Santa charade for years…until they knew I was prepared to give it up.

  37. I had a total crap day and it was so nice to sit down and read this post while the baby was sleeping so big thank you! And our cat so would have eaten the tinsel too and thinking about my husband having to pick out the tinsel poop just cracks me up.

  38. That damn baby is a DOLL!
    The mental image of your mom chasing down the cats with the aluminum icicles dangling from their butts made me laugh harder than anything in a long, long time!
    I have seen this phenomenon before and it just wasn’t that funny the first time.

  39. I’m pretty sure that boxes are the best presents for kids, ever.
    I wanted a white Christmas tree this year after seeing a whole bunch of black glass balls on display. How cool and hip would a white and black Christmas tree be?! Then I would have to find really cool and hip Christmas music to go with it.
    All I want for Christmas is to be hip. I better stop asking for it.
    Meh, whatevs, I don’t care.
    (cute babies are stalking me. they keep whispering to me to take my iud out. Even that picture up there of that cute baby girl is doing it. Tell her to quit it!)

    1. Bwahahahaha! You’d need this one Christmas CD that Dave bought me. It was a TOTAL hipster’s Christmas. Now I need to find it and send it to you.

      They have white trees at Target. I felt less cool after I saw that.

  40. “Poo garland” –That IS hilarious. Who would have thought?! Poor lil’ Becky.

    Christmas in my house growing up was pretty sad too. We didn’t decorate at all. We just had a short plastic tree that had a few dollar store decorations here and there. To this day, I am inept at decorating a tree. It’s basically like Christmas threw up on it. But that’s the only way I know. =(

  41. Yeah, you already told us about that kitchen, so who you kiddin with the plastic cups? lol

    My daughter’s grandma told me this story about how back in the olden days she would go to buy a real tree and they would be “flocked”, like spray painted with this fake snow stuff, and came in colors. She got a pink one. Me? I like green.

  42. We have one (way too tall) fake tree due to allergies. The cat just hides underneath it to keep the girls from stalking her. Has yet to eat anything off of it but will munch on a branch.

    So far the girls aren’t sure what to think of the tree. They do “ooh and aah” when the lights come on (how I love pre-lit trees)

  43. Dang! I didn’t even know they still sold garland! You go on with your garland tree! Although I must add that today, egg rolls and garland have been a little bit tainted for me by the talk of what they are like when combined with the poo, but I’ll try not to let it make me sad. I mean, my tree already has ribbon on it, and, well, I like the egg rolls, so…

    I have no idea where this comment is going. Hey, look! Cute kids! Hooray!

  44. I am the BEST this year. Not only did I manage to finish off four rolls of wrapping paper, I also taught Warren to duel with them.

  45. My grandma totally had the white tree with garish bulbs and other fun dangly things on it. It will never be a complete Christmas for me again as the tree ‘disappeared’ after she died. *sobs*
    I’ve been saving all the big bad ass boxes form Cost.co for months and plan on wrapping them for gifts for the kids. Nintendo, barbie and guitar hero can bite my ass, they’ve got nothing on a crate that previously held an entire side of bacon or maybe even vats of soy sauce!!

    Mimi is HOT, in a totally baby perfect way:)

  46. At my house it was the red ring around the outside of bologna that the cat ran around hanging out of her butt – not so hilarous if you are eating a bologna sandwich and it runs by……(BTW – I had to actually sing the B-O-L-O-G-N-A song to spell it, twice) Great post.

  47. My kids really don’t play with toys much, you speak the truth. They get a lot of books and art supplies at Christmastime from us (from their grandparents is a completely different story, SIGH).
    I always save the center of the wrapping paper rolls. They think of the coolest things to do with those. And the best stocking stuffer ever? Scotch tape.

  48. AWESOME. The cat poo thing happened to me one year. Nothing says Christmas like looking at your cats and dry heaving!

    I bought boy a wagon for Christmas and filled it with ball pit balls. Cost of the balls- $20. The look on his face when he sees all the balls and starts throwing them- priceless.

    Because let’s face it, the wagon is really for me.

  49. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so please be flattered when I totally copycat your holiday prep blog on at http://www.meliawantsvodka.com. I’m only a stalker for the cute chicks, well, and those who actually followed that link πŸ˜‰

    For the record, I am insanely jealous of you vintage pre-disco disco tree. I was out-voted this year in my quest for a holographic Festivus tree, and I may never be the same after that crushing disappointment + your ability to live my wildest fantasies.

    I’m the greatest stalker, ever. Pay no mind to the camera upon your star.

  50. Oh my. I am IN LOVE with your white/blue tree. Any chance we could see more of it?

    We got a live tree this year (every year) but we went a little short and put it up on an end table, on account of the new puppy and her penchant to eat anything on the ground, at eye level, or within reaching distance. She’s started JUMPING to eat things.

    And the cat tinsel poop thing….hilarious. Reminds me of this: http://icanhascheezburger.com/2009/05/21/funny-pictures-later-its-a-win-win/

  51. The crawling – it is driving me crazy. She’s all like oooh, look at this pretty cord here. And that electrical outlet there, and, oh, what would kitty litter taste like (my do occasionally goes digging for treasure and leaves piles around the house).

    But the tree she loves. She just stares and stares and stares…it’s the only thing that gets her to sit still (for 5 seconds).

  52. You know what’s the best? Laughing until you cry. I cannot get the image of cats with silvery dingle-balls out of my head. So Christmassy! Thanks for yet another great laugh – hope you have a good holiday!

  53. THAT was my favorite Hanukkah present (outside of the present my husband SWEARS is coming soon) πŸ™‚

    Just think – when Mimi is older, you could raffle off the fake tree!!

  54. ROTFL at the image of tinsel hanging from the cat’s butt and your mom hunched over, running after the cat, trying to retrieve it before they smeared poop everywhere. You’re right ~ that IS comedy gold!

    I like your vintage white tree. I haven’t seen one of those in awhile, but they are pretty.

    Oh, and I’m like you, too. I LOVE Christmas decorations, especially blinky, shiny stuff. πŸ˜€

  55. So if the cats shit tinsel at Christmas, did they shit plastic grass at Easter? You fed them the plastic grass from the Easter baskets, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?

    Man, I love those kids’ cheeks. They look suspiciously un-smooched though. Get on it, woman.

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