I have a confession to make, Internet. No, it’s not that The Daver is secretly a 12 year old, because hi, he’s a whole whopping 2 years OLDER than me (old balls)(loose skin) and it’s not that my 5 year plan consists only of one phrase: don’t die. It’s not even that I actually appreciate how much shit I can shove into my mini-van.

It’s this: Back to School Night makes me feel like a fraud.

Every time I have to deal with something related to Ben’s schooling, I feel like at any moment, an unmarked Child-Napping van will pull up and a bunch of guys in polyester suits will spring out and drag me into the van. Then, the soccer moms will all emerge from their coordinated hiding places around the playground, wielding pitchforks and torches; their pony tails mussed and their jeans hiked up to their nipples.

“FRAUD,” they’ll scream at me, gnashing their perfectly whitened teeth. “You’re no MOTHER! GET AWAY FROM OUR KIDS.”

Well, Internet, I guess I might have a bit of an imagination. And maybe a complex or thirty-seven.

(shut UP)

It’s funny, I guess, in one of those not funny kinds of ways, because I have no such issues with the smaller kids, but when Ben reached school age, I just feel like I don’t belong. Most of the parents are older than me by 10-15 years and I’ve frequently been snubbed by them (and no, to answer your question, my nipples were NOT hanging out at the time. And both of my ass cheeks were firmly INSIDE my pants, thank you very much).

It’s obvious that I need to get the hell over myself immediately if not sooner, because, this shit is just ridiculous. I need to make some friends that have kids, get involved and move the hell on to be neurotic about my socks or something.

Believe it or not, the one thing I am NOT neurotic about is my socks.

There’s just something so very…ADULT-like about going in and registering your child for real school. When Ben went to the hippie Nut Ban! school, it was different, because no matter what grade he was in, it always felt like preschool. But shit, man, *I* remember being in 3rd grade pretty vividly.

THAT was the year my mother scarred me for life. And shockingly not by walking around the house naked as a jay-bird, although that would have been pretty terrifying too. No, see, she gave me BANGS that year. Bangs that would certainly have kicked YOUR bangs’ ass. They started approximately at the crown of my head, or maybe it was the back of my neck, I don’t know, but they went all the way to my eyebrows in one straight line.

I’m pretty sure she hated me at that point in her life. Because, obviously.

Long. Straight. Bangs.

When I saw that bangs were making a comeback, a part of me died a little inside. That same part died when I saw stirrup pants AND oversized shirts make their reappearance for the second time in my life, because shit, you know that splatter paint technicolor shirts are coming back too.

I always thought that the eighties was kind of the time when designers threw their hands in the air and then migrated to Siberia for a decade and a half. But, according to H & M, I am sorely mistaken. It was like my childhood vomited itself all over the store, down to the gaudy plastic earrings and plastic pearls and I half expected NKOTB to be blaring from the speakers.

But no, it was some other God-awful screetchy music and I kind of wished for half a second that I was deaf so I couldn’t hear it any longer. Then, when I realized that wishing I was DEAF was stupid, I sort of prayed for a meteor to fall on me.

THEN I realized that I was an old fart and that I’d effectively turned into my mother.

I went home immediately so that I could lay down on the couch dramatically and after I rested my hip (my arthritis was acting up) and changed my Depends, I went outside where there was all kinds of ruckus and commotion disturbing my afternoon Matlock session. I shook my fist at the damn fool kids on my lawn and wished feverishly that I had a cane with which I could beat them silly.

It was only after one of them addressed me as “Mom” that I realized that those kids on the lawn were my kids.

Shit, man. Shit.

Comments

comments

102 thoughts on “Does This Mini-Van Make My Ass Look Big?

  1. Phew – thought you were going to tell me you went home and gave Amelia bangs.

    Yesterday was back to school clothes shopping for the almost 13 year old – man did I feel young when he first started school – and I was kicking myself for pulling him out of the school that made him wear uniforms. All the clothes are crap and all he wants is a wardrobe of Irish shirts. No neon colors for him. We went home with only one shirt for him….

  2. It’s the off the shoulder sweaters that are killing me. It makes me want to do a strip tease on a chair with water falling from the sky. Not really, but isn’t that what you think of when you see those awful sweaters?

    I totally stick out when all the school moms are gathered. I stink like a paper mill, have on funky work boots and my “uniform” of jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t really fit in well with the manicured and well dressed.

  3. I always told myself that I would be officially old when the clothing trends of my youth came back into style, and some 18 year old chick in a short skirt with a tat on her neck ran up to me and said “OHMIGOD, Kristina! Do you remember me, you like totally used to babysit me!!!”. Both have happened within the last year. FUCK.

    Also? The other day one of the kids and my son’s daycare referred to me as “Caleb’s mom”. I actually looked behind me , thinking, well, surely I’m not REALLY anyone’s actual MOTHER.

  4. There is no reason… none what so ever… that anything from the 80’s should ever find it’s way back. I remember those days… I have some pictures of me on FB in case I forget…. they were AWFUL!! 🙂

  5. You’ve been watching Big Daddy, haven’t you? I love the part at the end where Julian says, “Is that the guy with the old balls?”

    Cause it’s funny when kids say balls and mean testicles. It’s ok, I’m only a few years younger than you are (I also had my child at the age of 20 – yay for being a copycatter!) and I feel so damn old. I think I’ll have to lock myself in my room all day with my good friends Xanax and Ron Bacardi when Caden goes to school next year. Weeping bitterly for the days when I wasn’t emotionally 15 years older than the rest of my friends. *sigh*

    What the fuck, Aunt Becky… I’m depressed now. Nevermind, I just had an image of a little kid saying balls.

  6. The title of this post is brilliant. I also liked your kidnapping fantasy. Personally, in those situations I feel like Ginormica Ugly Betty … accessorized with a line of clanging tin cans tied to my fender.

    You know, there are older moms there projecting the opposite onto you. Thinking you are judging them for being old.

    And then there are the Real Housewife types. They ~are~ judging both of us. (Whatever.)

    It’s all very neurotic. And of course nothing is what it seems.

    So many people claim to hate these scenarios, why can’t we ever find eachother?

  7. I wasn’t even brave enough to enroll Duncan in school this year. Three cheers for being unable to let go! At least you got that far.

    I know what you mean about feeling like an outsider though. Every time I and my gaggle attend one of my step-son’s school functions, I spend the entire time thinking surely, SURELY I wasn’t all THAT much younger than these people when I had my kids!

  8. Andy: After clicking your link, I can’t help but wonder what kind of weird ass cars are made in Germany that require the keys to get OUT. Although that could be one helluva thief deterrent, knowing you’d be locked in the car if you stole it!

  9. oh Aunt Becky, i so feel ur pain! i just turned 30…my kiddos r 8, 6 & 5…& every time i go 2 a school function, i feel like i’m being stared down – labeled as some young whipper snapper that couldn’t have a clue how 2 raise them there youngins! it’s gotten a little easier over the years…i’m now starting 2 feel like i “fit in” a lil more…cause when i walk thru the mall & see the Hot Topic store or some other teen craze clothing shop – i feel sooooo old, so out of the loop! but i promise u 1 thing – i will NOT start wearing the mommy jeans!

  10. You’re hilarious! I can relate to this (kind of). My DH is a firefighter and one of the youngest to get hired, so all the firefighter wives are all way older than me…most of them by at least 10 years. They’re nice to me, but I just don’t feel right tagging along to their events.

    P.S. I finally got the business cards!
    Alyssa

  11. hahahahaahh…. I can’t believe this, I haven’t been to H&M in at least a year and a half, when last visiting, they had cute tops, dresses and… well normal shit! WTF!?!?!?

  12. I don’t like any of the mom’s at my kids’ schools either. They all stay home (which fine, but damn, own it and stop judging me) and spend their days volunteering at the school. I feel like they go out of their way to let me know they know my kids better than I do because they spend more time with them. WRONG SISTER SAINTS. My son recently quipped, “You know, Mom, you don’t talk or act like the other moms.” To which I replied, “Well, aren’t you a lucky boy.” That illicited a rare smile from the normally brooding preteen – Score one for Mom. Oh, and I rocked out a mini-van for nine years. I made that baby look hot. It’s all about owning it.

  13. I’m on the other end of the spectrum – I’m the older mom that everyone looks at like “You’re way too old to have a 2.75 year old.” Although, I don’t look quite as old as I am…

    Now, if the 80s are coming back, you will need some bangs again, so you can tease them up to skyscraper height. Because you know, stirrup pants and large belted button-down shirts need some offsetting with really high hair.

  14. I just enrolled my oldest for her senior year of high school. I’m 35. I can’t even believe it. How in the hell did this happen to me? Half the teachers at her school were there when I was. Next year we send Mack off to college and enroll Mea for preschool. So I’ll be a young mom and an old mom. WTF?

  15. Last year when I had to go to my 12-year-olds Open House, I was on the verge of having a panic attack. So much information! Changing classes! Lockers! Dressing out for P.E.! I looked around the room at all the other parents in the gym and was thinking, Why are they so calm??? Don’t they realize the gravity of the situation??

    Now that school’s about to start again, I’m getting a teensy bit like that again. But this time I’m medicated. 😉

  16. Here’s the thing. I can’t really get past the beginning of this post, where you claim that The Daver is two years older than you. I’ve seen the pictures. He is 12.

  17. I feel the same way about open house…..but I am the teacher. I am older than some of the parents, and still feel intimidated a bit. We just paid off the minivan, and I said to Bud we are like real grown-ups. He said “Damn we’re 38 with three kids and house, we aren’t grown-ups we’re old”. So I zipped my jeans up over my boobs and punched him.

  18. Oh I cannot even imagine…I feel ancient as well, thinking about when NKOTB was new and stirrup pants with keds and different colored socks was cool the first time around. Sadly, it also looks as if Grunge is coming back….I mourn our society when a fashion statement is not showering for a week….

  19. hahahaaaa one of your funniest! Or is it more that I can relate to feeling like an old, falling apart lady at the ripe age of 31? Shit is right, man.

  20. I, too, had the delight of becoming a mom at 20. And I, too, HATE back to school night.

    I also hate shopping because the act of walking into any “hip” store makes me feel fat and old.

    I also, can’t stand those damn kids on my lawn. But they love me for more than my awesome ability to make sure that they have clean underwear and that I can make some crazy bitchin’ break and bake chocolate chip cookies.

  21. Child of the 80s here. I’m sorely put out about the hideous fashions coming back when they looked awful enough the first time round.

    Yep, I’m gettin old.

  22. Okay if they want to bring some of the 80’s fashion back thats cool I guess but NOT the BIG hair, dude that was bad….

    And yes Aunt Becky, I feel the same want my daughter started Preschool last year and I had her when I was 21 most of the moms are in there late 30’s early 40’s and here I am 25 with one kid and at the time one on the way.

    There are very snooty and mean to me almost like I am not good enough to be raising kids, plus I work so that is another thing they don’t like. It is the same way at my Daughters dance classes all the moms are older some of them old enough to be my mom.

    I think we should hang as I have like 2 friends with kids currently…. Amelia and Xander could be bff…

  23. The worst part ? Is when you are OLDER then the teacher, the doctor, or some other person of AUTHORITY. Dude, I barely have authority over what we watch on TV. And I am NOT THAT OLD – I should definitely not be the one in charge.

  24. lol from the title down to the end!
    btw, i feel like a fraud too, and i’m the kids teacher for pete’s sake. i thought it would get better when my own kids started school, maybe i’d be more accepted as a parent/teacher, but that didn’t happen.

    silver lining: think how good you’ll look at your kids highschool graduation compared to the rest of the parents, hmmm…

  25. Dunno about those school parents. My kids have been in the same school district for nine years now and none of the PTA fembots has ever been even remotely cordial to me. I used to think it was me, but as I am friendly to a fault, slap on a big silly ass grin and go out of my way to be engaged, they manage to remain all juicy cotured iciness. I don’t have real interest in them, I just want them to be nice to my kids if they should ever have a play date or whatever.

  26. If you went to school with your boobs and ass hanging out you would probably be pretty popular with the dads, so you’d have a 50% approval rating, which isn’t that bad…

  27. I had Lady H at 19 (got you beat!) and I know exactly what you are talking about with the whole young mom thing. I always feel weird at school, at girl scouts, at soccer. But I just do my thing and tell the old farts how me and Lady H did shots together last weekend. (kidding) Like the other commenter says, I own it. Fuck the rest of ’em.

  28. You know all those “other mothers” that are “waiting, hidden somewhere” for you to be mom-napped, are jealous, don’t you? Cause they totally are. 😉

  29. I still don’t feel like a mother (*snicker*) most of the time. I was old when I started having kids (and, as fate would have it, I get older during each pregnancy) but where I don’t fit in is with the people who only have one child. They don’t seem to understand that I can’t just have a playdate any old time because me taking four (!) kids a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e by myself is just too damn hard. At the same time, I don’t think you should HAVE 4 kids if you can’t…I just haven’t figured out how to do it YET. Either way, people judge. All the time. I just try to remember that there are only 5 people whose opinion on how I’m doing matters. If they’re OK with our situation? Then I win at LIFE, Aunt Becky!

  30. Preach on Sista. Daffy and I are only 14 years apart. While I’m not the biological parent I do most of the parenting.
    I loved walking into school to register him and there was a section asking for his date of birth, followed shortly by mine. Good times.

  31. I’ve felt like a fraud for years…I am 34 and I have a 15 year old going into high school. I’ve been the mom for years who appears to be signing herself up for school right along with her children. I actually had a crossing guard tell me one time how sweet it was that I was walking my little brother to the bus stop.
    I think we young parents rock. I can train for a half marathon with my kid, we can play Wii boxing until our arms fall off, and heaven help me I understand their teen angst because I can still remember it all so vividly.
    I draw the line at big shirts and stretch pants.

  32. My oldest is going into 3rd grade too. How is that possible? How does anyone allow me to be a “mom” to anyone? I mean, really, people. I usually don’t think about it, but some days, I’m just like, “OH MY GAWD! I’M THEIR MOTHER!” I probably shouldn’t tell CPS this.

    I wanna see a picture of those bangs!

  33. High schooler of the 80’s – and I love everything about it (THEN). Had it all too, the big hair, the bangs – teased of course, the neon colors, and taking my baby (she’s 10) to back to school shopping was like being back in all that glory. SOOOOOOO glad I don’t have to do that all over…..of course trying to get my DD to NOT purchase neon was like pulling chicken teeth…………..

  34. Dude today at the mall i swear I saw the dress i wore to my 8th grade dinner dance (circa 1989), so not cool. Can mall bangs and swatch watches be far behind. I may have to call a halt to it all and just ignore fashion for a few years.

  35. Oh, sweet Jeebus . . . I think I am in love with you. I was 26 when Cooper was born, but when I drop him off at preschool I seriously feel like the babysitter. (1) Because I can’t believe that I have kids, (2) I can’t believe that I have a kid in preschool, and (3) I derive an immense amount of pleasure in laughing at the soccer moms in their designer jeans who are sipping their iced tea and talking about the latest sale at Nordstrom. (We bought a foreclosure home in a neighborhood that we normally would not be able to afford – I feel like the white trash girl from across the tracks.)

  36. I felt the same way when I first put my daughter in school. (She’ll be a junior this year, wtf? How did that happen?) Most of the moms were older than me. I always felt out of place. I can’t say that’s really changed, most of them are still older than me, but the age difference doesn’t seem as important now. I still don’t socialize with them. And I avoid parent teacher conferences because they might realize my kid is a nut because her mother is too. Maybe by the time your other kids are old enough to be in school, there will be more parents closer to your age, and you’ll feel more comfortable. Or just not care about it anymore. LOL

    We went to H&M in Georgia, because we don’t have one here. My SIL always brings my daughter something back when they go on vaykay in VA, so we had to get her something this time too. I had never been in one and I busted out laughing when I saw the clothing in there. Gag me with a spoon! I did find some cute, basic stuff that won’t go out of style when the 90’s come back.

  37. I am SO not OK with the 80’s coming back. That is pure bull shit! Like it wasn’t bad enough the first time around? Now we have to be reminded of that decade by all the “cool kids” wearing that shit? School shopping is going to suck ass this year *sigh* hold me?
    *HUGS*

  38. I was 13 in 1980. The 80’s were *MY* time!! And I firmly believe that they should stay in the past. I saw stirrup pants in Wal Mart the other day and had to a take a photo and text 3 of my high school friends with it.

    They already knew because they have teens themselves. I on the other hand waited until I was 35 to have my first and when I go to back to school night I feel so old. I’m on average 10 years older than any other parent there, unless this is their fourth kid & they assume it’s mine as well, which is always awkward.

  39. Aunt Becky – I’m 31 (well, on Friday, I will be 31), look 25 (seriously, the old guy at the grocery store where I was buying wine last month thought my ID was fake and had the manager come out, they were ready to call the cops) and I have a 7 yo, 5 yo and 2.5 yo. I feel so old and so young at the same time ALL THE TIME!! How can I have a second grader? I still remember second grade!! (granted, it was pretty a traumatic year – we moved twice within that school year, first from NC to my grandparent’s house in VA and then to our new house about an hour away when it was finished 5 months later than original delivery date). So, I joined the PTA looking to fit in. now I know everyone and am known as a reliable person so much so that I’m the VP the year…

    I happened to like the clothing of the 80’s so I’m having a field day shopping for my girls – skirts and capri leggings, vivid colors, a hair crimper – and, oh yes, dozens of bangle braclets!! My son’s a different story though – boy clothes are either ultra preppy or dark and grungy.

  40. I hated the 80’s when it was the 80’s. I am so old I really do not remember when NKOTB became famous…I was too mature for that crap.

    I feel like a fraud with these moms that have the latest snack containers or perfectly sliced and diced snacks for their kids. Hell, I never remember to bring snacks for my kids. And when I do they contain the deadly peanut.

  41. Hahah! Oh the bangs! My mom gave them to me for years, till I shaved my head one night while she was sleeping. *That* got her to leave me alone at bangs. (And no, I wasn’t 6 or 7. I was 16.) There is nothing quite like bangs to make you self-conscious about having a “short” forehead. (There’s like under an inch between my hairline and brows. The half inch gap between my hip bones and rib cage is equally ridiculous.)

    Little Man goes to public school even though he’s 3 (special ed) so I always feel outta place. Plus, having school kids is something *my* mom did, not something *I* do – right?

    I got your cards and took funny pictures. Now I just have to get a ride to put them on CD so I can send ’em to ya 🙂 I think you’ll like my artistic interpretation (read “people made of business cards”).

  42. Technical shirts better not be making a comeback, because Yuck! And if it makes you feel any better, i am too old for NKOTB (although not so old that I don’t know what NKOTB stands for!)

  43. Get your shit together, Becky!!!
    I trace my inability to form friendships to my mother’s inability to form friendships with my classmates’ moms. She had no friends, I have/had no friends –
    You are scarring your children for life!
    Get some therapy girl! You need to join the PTA and start baking cookies for bake sales and offering to chair whatever lame ass committee needs chairing!
    There is still time – get moving!

  44. Um, yeah. I had my oldest 2 days before I turned 21. He’s 12 now and starting 7th grade. I look around at the other parents and they look SO OLD! I really am hoping I look significantly younger. Oh, and I have a 5 yo, and 18 mo. old. So I’m totally the “young” mom and the “old” mom at the ripe old age of 33.

  45. Hey – I remember Fast Times At Ridgemont High AT THE THEATER.

    So let’s you and me mount up on our Rascals and go run down some stirrup-pants-wearin’ poseurs.

  46. They could very well be blaring NKOTB because they, like stirrup pants, are back. Ugh. And I even really enjoyed the 80’s. Probably because I was a little kid and didn’t know any better.

  47. Seriously. I think of myself as my son’s mom… but I’m not A MOM. Like specifically I feel that I am his mom, considering I wipe his butt all day and all, but I don’t identify with the general category of MOTHERS. Am I making any sense? Probably not. Never mind.

  48. Once, when my daughter and I were at a Girl Scout meeting of hers in a CHURCH, I looked at her and said, “Let’s blow this popcorn stand and go get tattoos.”
    She looked at me and said, “Oh, Mom.”
    Good times.

  49. loooove the Bog Daddy references, and oyu five year plan? Yeah. Sounds like mine. I have never gotten over the fact that I don’t fit in, I have just quit trying now. Too much time and energy in trying to fit in with people whom, frankly, I don’t even like much. Hard to find other friends who do like me the way I am (I am up to THREE! Whoot!), but, you know, those pitchfork-yielding soccer barbies scare me. In fact, the minivans scare me, and I just decided that if I had to, I would tie one of the four kids to the luggage rack on top of my blazer before I would driver one. Because then I would have crossed over to the other side, and i might as well be dead. And no, I don’t want to hear how convenient the minivan is, thankyouverymuch.

    That said, I saw yesterday a kid who weighed about 34 pounds-a boy-wearing bright aqua blue skinny jeans and he had hair just like mine was in high school-back in the day. I wanted to hug him and tell him to go home and look in the mirror.

  50. I so know what you mean about feeling a fraud! The other mothers do things like bathe their kids EVERY DAY! (I’m not anal enough for that.) And they remember when swimming is without being reminded. I’m the one running back home to fish the kit out of the dirty washing.

  51. I have plenty of friends who have kids and you should see the looks she gets from the other moms, it’s so lame! They’re just jealous of you! 🙂

    And you’re “bang’s story” reminds me of when my mom cute almost all my hair off in 1st grade, I looked like a little boy…with a cowlick. Not cute, I tried to burn all those photos, only 1 remains. Maybe I’ll post it on my blog one day…NOT

    http://fondlyoptimistic.blogspot.com/

  52. Oh Aunt Becky, you always make my day! I’m sitting here wearing my baggy shirt with my puffy yellow skirt and my bejeweeld earning pearl wearing self. Oh, and I’m also wearing bangs, just for you 🙂

  53. Mini vans make everyone’s ass look fat, darlin’!

    Hey, I’m older than most of the mommies that have eight-year olds in our school, but I look better and act like a 15 year old boy just to bug them. Either way, the mommy pack will hate you. Why let it stress you out when you’ve got cool friends on the computer?

  54. I have a 7th grader. I turned 33 this year. So I feel your pain there. Fortunately I live in The South and while I’m one of the younger moms, I’m not usually the only one. They even have families with 4 kids and moms my age! OMG!

    But yeah…. the 80’s. Fortunately I went to HS in the 90’s. And I still love me some Hawaiian shirts. Especially with tank tops underneath, and crop pants… The perfect Miami Vice look. WOOT!

  55. Don’t forget the big white pleather belt to cinch that oversize sweater in. And the jellies on your feet. Oh and those crappy plastic bangle-y bracelets. Holy crap, I’m having a Duran Duran flashblack. Aaaack!

  56. When I was in second grade my mom permed my already short hair into an “Annie” haircut in an effort to make my hair thicken up. I suppose she was following a hairdresser’s advice. At least I tell myself and pray that it’s not because she really hated me that much.

  57. I love you. I just do.

    And I know exactly what you mean. Being a mother at 19, in the communty we lived in before this one, was really hard. I was in the same situation, everyone was at least 10 years older and it didn’t help that at 25-30, I still looked like a teenager. All the other parents assumed I was the teenage babysitter and didn’t deign to give me the time of day. Even now, they assume any of my younger kids are my first babies. And when they see me and hubby together with the kids, they think I am the second wife and only the littles are ours together. (he is one year older, but grey.)
    I am really happy to finally look old enough to be a mother though, even if it means a few lines in my face.

    Hope you have a lovely Thursday.
    K

  58. I have a friend who is TOTALLY MISUNDERSTOOD at school by all the other moms. She is talked about, etc… because she is aloof, always dressed to the nines, carries a variety of the latest designer bags, and has a three carrot solitare flanked by two one carrot diamonds as an engagement ring – with matching diamond encrusted wedding band.

    She is a lawyer, but chose to stay home with her first baby, and has not gone back. She has kind of made volunteering her profession – at school and at the community. If you met her she would make you feel life you were a big piece of crap.

    But what no one knows is that she was a VERY poor little girl from a mom who married and divorced lots of times! She remembers leaving in the middle of the night to get away from one of her mother’s ex husbands. She remembers shuttling back and forth to grandparents’ houses. Her life was tough.

    She stared a file. She would look through magazines and cut out all of the beautiful scenes of families. She would cut out holiday scenes, beautiful furniture, beautiful clothes and jewelry. She promised herself that one day she would have all that – and look just like the mothers who took pity on her as a child. She felt that once she became that woman, she would know that life would then be good.

    Well, she did with a vengence. But now she turns people off because they automatically feel she must be judging them if they are not dressed well, or do not have much money. She is very aloof and professional because she is the same insecure girl in all that designer clothing and jewelry, and people just think she is a bitch.

    The only thing we ALL have in common is the feeling that we are not quite good enough. Once you realize that great equalizer, things get a little easier.

    But from Chicken Little to Aunt Becky – I still would not want the alpha psycho soccer moms to have this kind of peek into my private thoughts. *shiver*

  59. At my house we called them ‘kindergarten bangs’ – and my Momma gave them to me with a vengeance! “Stop moving, I have to even them out!!” *cut, cut, cut, trim, trim* (scream, cry, scream)

    When we go to my sons school – yes, same school hubby went to – we are the old parents. I was almost 30 before I had my first son – due to infertility issues. We were recently ‘surprised’ with a 2nd son. The reaction was soo funny! It’s like people thought we were to old to Fuck!
    So this year, I’m dragging a 2nd grader to school with a 6 month old on my hip. In my fucking -kick-your-ass 4.2 liter mini van – bitches!! (I love to race little rice burner cars….we smoke ’em off the line everytime!!) All the other Moms can ‘suck it’ and suck it hard. :o)

    And the only time I felt old is when my son asked for plain white underwear, he said he was to ‘old’ for the cartoony ones. *sigh*

    My 10 nieces and nephews and I were all on vacation together (all the families were) and the kids wanted to go down to the pool, but they needed a grown up to go with them. My one niece said, “We can go, Aunt Nikki is coming with us.” To which my oldest nephew replied, “Yeah, but we need a GROWN UP.” And he was serious. I said, “Good grief, I am 37 years old.” He said, “But your not a grown up.” True dat baby boy, true dat.

    I just follow the advice of my Maw Maw…Keep smiling baby girl, piss ’em off good. :o)

    Oh, on vacation in D.C. all my nieces got splatter paint souvenir shirts in bright neon colors. I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

  60. The first time I took my son to soccer practice, his friends’ and teammates’ parents stared at me like I was from another planet. I overheard 1 kid say to his mom, “that’s his DAD?!”. I asked my son what that meant and he said, “Uh, it means you’re cooler than the other dads”.

    Liar.

  61. The only time I’ve ever cut my own hair was to trim my bangs in college. Well, they LOOKED straight, ok???
    Be yourself, your kids will appreciate it more, even if they dont’ know how to show it. And really deep inside, those other moms are jealous of how cool you are!
    Have you ever read Hip Mama?

  62. haikus for Aunt Becky:

    Back to school night sucks
    Soccer moms lurk everywhere
    They can kiss your ass

    open house tonight
    stomach already in knots
    aren’t cliques for high school???

    Seriously. Our open house is not until 6pm tonight and already I feel ill. Actually, absolute dread is a better way to describe it. I feel like I’m walking WG in to meet her doom or something. She has feet, thank god, but she is also a 5 yr old with anxiety problems / ocd. Last year she tried to leap out of the moving car on the way to school, and that was to the nice safe special needs pre-k where they don’t bat an eye when a kid has to read the care label on everything in the classroom. No IEP yet and I feel like we’re handing her to the wolves.

  63. Bangs make me *shudder*

    And no, that minivan does NOT make your ass look big. But the Depends might. Good luck w/ that.

    Sigh. Real school. Not ready AT ALL.

  64. This is hilarious – because my youngest is 5 and starting kindergarten this year and I am 37 – and I feel 100 because when I go to the school, it looks like a bunch of pre-teens who I think are there to find babysitting jobs – are there with their own kindergartners. WTF? Dude. When did I become the OLD MOM? Shit, man…

  65. Oh, I’m so excited that I’m not the only mom who requires a drink before parent night and tries to dress older to fit in with those parents who are older and yet believe i’m not old enough.

  66. Oh gosh. Bangs.

    I had horrid straight ones, too. And then my mom CURLED them with a TEENY curler for pictures. So they were straight straight straight then randomly curled under and I looked AWFUL. Then they made me hold the pet turtle and my brother got to hold the dog.

  67. God, the other day, I caught myself yelling at the kids to “Turn that dooowwwnnn!” when the iPod speakers were up too loud. I HATED the shit out of my parents when they used to do that. I also was grilling T about where he was going and what he was doing, and with whom. I am old. I hate back to school bs functions too…it always seems like everyone thinks they are better at this parenting gig than me. Hey, if my kids are fed, clean, and alive? I’m doing something right. fuck ’em.

  68. OMG! I’d like to say you grow out of some of this shit, but you don’t…. or, I haven’t. Imagine the fraud I feel like getting my son registered for 7th grade.

    Oh jeez.. and lets not mention the parent/teacher meetings where the teacher gets on to me because I don’t stand over his shoulder for 4 hours every night to make sure he gets ALL of the homework done… because if I mentioned all of that, I’d also have to mention a certain ‘mother’ calling the teacher a homework facist and reminding her that his homework cut into both of our Warcraft raiding schedules…..

    So, uh, yeah… I know all about the unmarked van paranoia

  69. I always feel like “the new kid” whenever I take Monkey to school. I am also a lot younger than most of the other parents and I feel out of place in a big way. I’m used to being the social outcast but I’m just hoping that doesn’t end up translating to my kids being social outcasts. I feel like the parents are whispering in their kids’ ears: “Don’t talk to that kid, his mother’s a FREAK!”

    I had a minivan before I had kids, hahaha.

    I don’t know anything about fashion and even I know the shit from the eighties should stay in the eighties.

  70. elle told me a few months ago (fashionista that she is) that i had to “take her bangs away.” the other day, i saw a picture of her with bangs and i was horrified…and SHE will be horrified one day, and be really mad that i did her hair like that. HAHA!! fucking bangs.

    minivan: i had triplets and STILL denied the minivan!! i got the wagon, and suffered for the first 3+ YEARS!!! i finally broke down and got the friggin mom vehicle last year and it was the best thing i ever did. i’m an idiot.

    other moms: i hate them. i love that they snub me at the park; i wear tank tops with my humongo tattoos out so they can snub me even more. i hate their conversations. i hate that they want to do nothing else, talk about nothing else in life than kid shit. they are obnoxious and want to talk to someone new for no reason but to wait for the other person to say something to make them feel better about themselves. maybe i’m the asshole, but i’d rather not join that group. BLEH!! i think about the kids going to school next year and i know it’s gonna suck in a way…omg the other moms…i just hope the teachers are OK.

    the eighties clothes…i laugh when i see high school kids wearing it…those kids are THE ONLY PEOPLE who should be…………

  71. I have faith that one day we will meet in the back of a dark van while gagged and blindfolded, abducted by the soccer moms that which to cleanse the school/neighborhood of the moms that don’t comply with the unwritten rules.

    I have a 5 yo and 2 yo and I swear to you I keep thinking that their mother must be really proud of them, because they are awesome and then it dawns on me that I’M their mother, and then I feel really bad for them. I have no idea what I’m doing.

  72. Don’t shake your cane too hard – you’ll break a hip!

    Oh, the memories of those bangs, and how!long!they!took!to!grow!out!!! still make my eyes itch and my forehead sweaty. Yuck.

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