(ring ring)

Dave: “Hey, just calling to see what time you’d be by to pick up the kids tonight.”

Me: “Erms…kids? I have kids?”

Dave: “Well, I think so.”

Me: “Huh.”

Dave: “But… they do sometimes make mistakes with these things.”

Me: “Must’ve been a burrito and an overworked L and D nurse.”

Dave: “Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too.”

Me: “Well, I guess I’ll be by to pick up these so-called “kids of mine” between 6-6:10 depending upon the train.”

Dave: “That works.”

Me: “I mean, if they ARE my “children” after all.”

Dave: “They’re actually reporting to the NSA about all the times you go to the bathroom.”

Me: “I KNEW there was something funny about the way they looked at me when I said I had to go to the bathroom again.”

Dave: “Ha-ha.”

Me: “I’ll text when I get close.”

Dave: “OH! And have you looked at the settlement agreement?”

Me: “Well, I did notice it was lacking in something very important.”

Dave: “What?”

Me: “Nowhere in it does it stipulate that I get a pony.”

Dave: “I must’ve left it out.”

Me: “Well, that’s a must. Please write it in or I won’t sign it.”

Dave: “I may have to cross “And Becky gets a pony” out of the final settlement.”

Me: “So long as the judge takes note of that.”

Dave: “I’m sorry I overlooked such a viable part of your future.”

Me: “You and me both. See you tonight!”

Dave: “Laters!”

Me: “Bye, yo.”

It didn’t dawn on me until after I hung up the phone that I didn’t specify if the pony had to be alive or not. Devil in the details and all that.

15 thoughts on “A Divorce of a *Different* Color

  1. Divorce doesn’t always have to be a raging shit show…especially when both parents are trying to make the best out of a bad thing…my ex and i get along quite well….most days…we have our moments where we both want to punch each other in the face over and over and over…but we get over it quickly and get back to being parents…we both love our kids…it’s just each other we don’t love anymore…hang in there Becky….you’re doing an amazing job!

  2. I love you. If I had gotten a divorce it would have just been ugly so instead my husband killed himself. Problem solved. Post more, lady! We deserve more Aunt Becky.

  3. This is my dream divorce. Seriously. He must understand that a draft should include pony. And I understand the logistics of raising a freaking pony. Draft, edit, done.

    I hope you’re doing really well. Having a parenting partner who makes the difficult decisions a bit easier is amazingly wonderful.

  4. If the dead pony is stuffed it’s way better than a live one. You don’t have to feed it, it won’t stink, and you can sit on it while you watch TV. If it’s dead, but not stuffed send it back … unless you’re into that sort of thing.

  5. Hahahaha! We’re like divorce buddies! Mine is at about the same stage, and the ex and I both joke about it. We’re even exchanging notes about our forays into internet dating. If I knew it was going to be this pleasant I’d have done it years ago… 😉

  6. This sounds a lot like me and my ex husband. When we separated, we put the stupid shit behind us and moved forward as partners in parenting. We still have our tense moments now and then but, for the most part, we’ve found a way to be friends again. Both we and our kids have benefited from that bit of maturity.

    p.s. You should definitely get that pony! (hopefully a live one)

  7. If that had been my divorce, the Hex would have promised he’d write in a pony and then three days later say, “I never said that.”

    Oh. Wait. No. He didn’t want anything in writing. Dragged it out for four years before the courts put it in writing for him.

    And he wonders why I don’t want to be his friend. ‘Cause he’s a liar-liar-pants-on-fire, that’s why.

    Dave rocks. So do you.

  8. It makes me smile to read this… I can’t explain without writing a novel about how much I can relate to this. My ex-husband and I can talk and joke now, better than we did while married. Some people are truly better off apart, than together. Happy for you!

    I agree with gorillabuns… Give it to ME, nowwwwwwwwwwww!

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