On a boring night during my eighteenth year of life, a couple of my friends and I were driving around looking for something, anything to do. We had the staples: smokes, gas, dinner and coffee and were aimlessly driving around. As we passed a video store that I had recently procured a membership thanks to another friend of mine, I had a brilliant idea. ‘œHey guys,’ I suggested, ‘œHow about we pop in the video store to pick up a gross porno to watch?’

The idea was considered golden, and we headed inside.

Back in the restricted adult section, we went to town. Scrupulously we scoured the shelves for something ala Fatties Hump Old Men or Midgets Do Manhattan. Porno after porno was rejected as none was quite up to snuff in comedic value. Finally, after what seemed like hours of searching, we found our diamond. The movie was called ‘œAnal Clinic’ and it was to be our entertainment for the evening.

We headed back to my ex-boyfriends house to watch our little gem along with a bottle of (stolen) red wine, giggling like schoolchildren on the way home, someone saying ‘œAnal Clinic’ at odd intervals which would be met with peals of laughter throughout the car.

We popped downstairs, after rounding up some of the usual suspects and settled in to watch Anal Clinic. The movie was nothing like we’d thought it would be. It was a European porn, full of men with men having anal sex with various people.

AND IT WAS SUBTITLED. WHO WATCHES SUBTITLED PORN? What are you going to miss, exciting plot twists? It’s a PORN, ergo it HAS NO PLOT.

After about 15 minutes, we decided that the porno was too lame to even be watched, so we formulated a new plan. We decided to go naked hot tubbing, throwing ourselves down in the snow and running back to plop into the hot tub to warm up.

We were brilliant, brilliant people.

As I was getting ready to leave for the evening, I popped back downstairs to the basement to collect my disappointing porno so that I could drop it off on my way home. I checked the VCR, but it was totally empty. Figuring that someone else had decided to watch something less boring, I checked the area immediately around the entertainment center. No go. Thinking that it may have been shoved into the couch, I checked between the cushions. Nothing, save for a gold brick (seriously. My ex-boyfriend was very, VERY rich. But this is a story for another day) and a couple of dollars in change. Pocketing the change, but leaving the brick, I summoned the rest of the kids to help me look for the porno. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero.

I waited furiously for the next couple of days to see if anything would turn up. Nothing did.

Figuring that the movie was already late, I wanted to circumvent any phone calls to my house, as I could just IMAGINE my parents reaction, ‘œRebecca? The video store called and they need you to return Anal Clinic, ‘ I popped by the video store so that I could pay for my lost stolen porno.

Walking the ultimate walk of shame, I headed into the store. I approached the pimply-faced 16 year old kid working behind the counter and said in the most clear and least shamed voice I could muster given the circumstances, ‘œI need to buy Anal Clinic.’ Turning such a deep red that he looked iridescent purple, the pimples a stark white contrast to his face, he sputtered that I would have to come back when his manager was there. Trying not look ashamed, I walked out, head as high as I could make it go.

Several days later, I headed back to see the manager. By this time I was an old pro at this. I marched right up to him and said the exact same thing, ‘œI need to buy Anal Clinic.’ I didn’t bother to explain WHY I needed the movie, or what had happened, as I was certain that he’d heard it all before. I paid the $36ish dollars, and upon waiting for my receipt, the manager mysteriously disappeared to the back room.

He returned several minutes later with a movie box in hand, the title obscured by his ginormous man-hands. He handed me the box along with my receipt, and I was on my way. After hopping back into my car, I allowed myself to look down at the box in my hands.

The manager had given me the original box for Anal Clinic, complete with cover art and bold blaring title.

Just what I’d always wanted: a $36 box of the most shameful porno in history.

————

All right, lovers, dish to Aunt Becky. What was one of the most shameful things you’ve ever had to do?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

42 Responses to Dignity? What Dignity?

  • Amanda says:

    Seriously, subtitled porn?! I don’t think I have anything that comes close to rivaling that. The closest I can come is during my freshman year of college having to explain to my parents that the condoms that were on the floor in my room weren’t mine, but my roommate’s. :-)

  • Linda says:

    Good LORD that’s a GREAT story. I’m sure it wasn’t at the time, but now…it’s a keeper!

    I once laughed so hard at a very large girl who got stuck on an inversion machine after Christmas caroling that I peed my pants. It may have been the very upset, very German mother of a friend who pushed me over the edge.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    I have nothing to compete with that story. I rent all my porn under a fake name, so if it gets lost I’m not out the money.

  • Elizabeth Ann says:

    I had to fess up to my parents hot aussie neighbor that it was I who puked (blue puke nonetheless) on his mailbox the night of my 21st birthday. I fessed up a few years after the fact when he told me that he blamed it on some kid that lived down the street. He assumed I was off shining my halo somewhere, and would never commit such a heinous act as yakking on someones mailbox after drinking excessive amounts of blue curacao and long islands.

  • Kristen says:

    Ha ha ha!
    I was a ‘halo shining’ girl too. So when I came home from seminary, engaged and knocked up, it was a pretty big pill to swallow.

  • Karen says:

    So what ever actually happened to Anal Clinic?? Hmmm.

    I will have to think about my times of shame. None are blarring out at me right now.

  • Vered says:

    OMG, I laughed so hard at this story.

    My dear Becky, you are so good for me. I am laughing so much more since I’ve “met” you.

  • Hilarious.

  • kc says:

    What do you want to bet that whoever stole it still covets that VHS to this day? Hahahaha – Anal Clinic. That is gold star stuff right there!

    As for my shameful moments? How much time you got?

  • Ms. Moon says:

    That doesn’t come close to any of my most shameful moments which I would NEVER talk about in a public forum.
    By the time you get to be my age (old) things like The Anal Clinic Incident are only funny.

  • Carrie says:

    Your story will take the cake to my “walk of shame.”

    A handful of us sophomore basketball players decided to t-peeh the coaches house. After completing the deed, as well as for many other senior’s houses as well, we left the subdivision. The lead car did NOT put on their headlights, and we were all immediately stopped. We had to pick up the damage done to the coach’s house. The coach came out to watch and laugh at us as we picked up all of the toilet paper.

  • No, I won’t tell you.

    But I will tell you this story instead.

    When I was an undergraduate at the University of Toronto I lived in the Innis residence. Innis had great apartment-style suites, and there were five of us guys sharing this space. Me, my beer-friend, my Indian-friend, my cool-Asian-friend, and my too-old-to-be-in-the-residence-friend.

    One night someone, I think one of my other friends, came over with the best video ever: “Doctor Butts IV: Anal Asylum.”

    We huddled in front of the television, laughing at the strange, Sono Bono-looking Doctor wearing the huge horn-rimmed glasses and sporting an awesome, awesome moustache. When we couldn’t watch any more, we took the video out and left it on the table.

    The video disappeared overnight. We only found it at the end of the year while cleaning out my Indian-friend’s room (he moved back to India after blowing all of his father’s money at the Brass Rail, a strip club in downtown TO). There was the good Doctor, hidding behind a pile of beer cans.

    A couple of weeks later my beer-drinking-friend came home: “I just saw Doctor Butts.”

    “Yeah, we know, it was in Vic’s room.”

    “No, no. I mean I saw him on the street.”

    “What?”

    “I swear it was him. I was crossing the street and I saw him coming toward me and I did a double-take. He looked up at me, and I swear to you that guy smiled at me and nodded, as if to say “That’s right, kid. I’m Doctor Butts.””

    We divvied up most of my Indian-friend’s stuff at the end of the year. And once again, “Doctor Butts IV: Anal Asylum” disappeared, with no one willing to own up to taking it.

    It wasn’t me.

  • Wishing4One says:

    Aunt Becky you are TOO much! What a story…

    You make me laugh, you’re sooo funny and I love that I found you’re blog!

    I’m so sorry, I cannot share any of my shameful deeds. It was another life, gone and long forgotten (well most of it). Believe me, it is better for all this way!

    xoxoxoxo

  • E_Sharp says:

    My most shameful story cannot be shared on the internet. Even though I would dearly love to, because it’s quite funny. That was the apex of my shame, and have had no other experiences to speak of.
    No, really.
    Had to say though, I literally laughed out loud.

  • Dr. Grumbles says:

    I might have to blog about this one:

    Right before I met D, I had been single for 3 whole years. I ordered two porn videos marketed as “female friendly” or something. I was living in a grad student dorm at the time, so I had to have them sent to the campus post office of all places!

    No biggie, right? Unmarked box, right? I go to sign for my package and the student work study dude can’t find it. Then the manager comes over and says, “Now, I know I saw a package for her…”

    Then he slaps his head and says, “I think I gave your package to the chemistry dept for Dr. (Last name very similar to mine).”

    He sent the work study kid to go fetch it, leaving me to stand there, sweating with the manager guy looking at me, wondering if the package had been opened, wondering if he somehow knew what it contained…

    Turns out it wasn’t opened, but the worry was enough to completely freak me out!

  • Jenn says:

    Nothing I’d post on the internet. But I love that you do. :)
    Did you ever find out what happened to it?

  • CLC says:

    Too funny, Aunt Becky. And you have way more balls than me to post that on the internet!

  • shay says:

    I’m so not good at coming up with anything when asked directly lol. It’s the weirdest thing. Plus Im totally boring, unlike you…hilarious!

    I wonder who took it?!?!

  • Chris says:

    Yeah, I wonder who took it too?

  • b says:

    I was totally waiting for the punch line..like your ex boyfriends parents stole the video to spice up their marriage. Where is that porno? I think someone liked that video more than they let on and stole it. By renting that video, you were probably the catalyst to said person becoming the ass bandit that they are today.

  • Sara says:

    I was (and still am) very boring. I’ll have to think about this one for a while!!!

  • T says:

    Okay I laughed out loud for (at?) you. What made you think of this? And who would steal a video when there is a gold bar laying around?!?!

    And I would gladly share my shame on the internet if I could think of something beyond: I broke a friend’s vase and lied and then had to go back and admit I did it.I was under 10 at the time…

    Now I will have to think about this one.

    Porn is a great one for shame but I stopped feeling shameful once I became able to meet the eye of the other person behind the “shame curtain” in the video store.

    Besides, once you’ve had a kid, you have no shame.

    And very little need for porn. But that’s another story…

  • Lainey-Paney says:

    Sorry, but I’m totally laughing at your expense. That story is hilarious. And I wonder….who secretly stole the video???hmmm…..

  • Edward says:

    WEll I was not ashamed but I was really embarassed. I wanted to surprise my DH big time so I went to a porn shop about 7 months pregnant and purchased 2 movies and 2 dildos (one vibrating). The guy behind the counter was embarassed for me and dropped one of the vibrating dildos and broke it! He was fumbling all over himself and trying to put it back in the package all the while I was standing there 7 months pregnant with nothing but male customers waiting behind me to pay!

    When I got home it turns out my DH wanted to surprise me too and had stipped the floors and waxed them lol! I still think my surprise won out!

    Poor guy behind the counter wasnt sure how to handle a big pregnant mama buying to really hardcore nasty videos and two toys lol! It would of not been that embarassing has the guy not dropped the toy, broke it, and then causing a back up in the line.

  • honeywine says:

    ROFLMAO Subtitled porn. I’m sure somebody said, “Hey, Yakov, ya gotta put in the subtitles; I can’t follow the storyline!” lol

  • Katie says:

    Here from NaComLeavMo and this post cracked me up. Who knew they had subtitled porn. I least you were able to hold your head high!

  • Ames says:

    I have to tell you that I was seriously laughing for about 15 minutes straight on this one. As far as my most shameful moment… I’ll have to think really hard about it. Maybe it will get me out of this horrible writer’s block I’ve been in

  • birdpress says:

    Wow, that was freaking hilarious! I read all your comments waiting for someone to top you, but apparently there is no topping the Great Aunt Becky!

  • Io says:

    Oh my. I think I might love you.

  • tash says:

    Who knew anal porn was such a hot commodity?

  • Candid Engineer says:

    I totally believe that there is subtitled porn out there. I was just in Montreal this weekend, and they have porn on their regular night TV, and this porn was dubbed over in French. It didn’t really work, but hey- grunting and moaning are the universal language. Enjoyed your story. :o)

  • Manda says:

    Oh. My. God. I laughed till it hurt. We found once that porn with closed captioning turned on is funny as all get out. Seeing the words “muffled grunting… slap slap slap” will make you laugh till you pee, I swear.

    Just wanted to stop by and thank you for leaving such a thoughtful comment for me today!

  • Michelle says:

    That’s really hard to top. “Anal Clinic”…I’ll be giggling for days :) Stopping by through NCLM..will be back!

  • Holy Crap … you have me crossing my legs from trying not to pee in my pants!

  • Susan says:

    Too funny!

    When we were dating, my now-husband convinced me to go into a porn shop. I’ve always been a bit of a prude, so he was mostly doing it to mess with me.

    Much to his surprise, I was facinated by everything in there. I had zillions of questions and kept picking everything up and fondling it. I had quite and audience and dh was soooo embarrassed. Serves him right! LOL

  • Jenn says:

    Dignity is overrated. But that is a serious walk of shame. Twice.

  • Holly says:

    OH lordy lordy. I can not stop…

    stop…
    stop…
    laughing.

    Oh man.

  • Emily R says:

    Nothing like that. I did once ask my sophomore science teacher what “golden showers” are.

  • deb says:

    I just noticed that I can scroll down on your pic of the kitties on the header of your blog. I will try to cut back on the masturbating-did not know I was commiting such a heinous crime (lol). Also, feeling a little stupid that i JUST saw it. Oh well …

    I cannot come up with any shameful story that would rival the hilarity of any of the ones lised so I shall not try.

  • After watching Parenthood in the movie theater with my mother, I asked her what “slapping the salami” meant. I also asked my very sophisticated aunt what “circumcision” meant after watching something on PBS.

  • By the way, they both explained what was meant. I bet they were at least as mortified as I.

  • Denise says:

    That is one of the most hilarious things I’ve read lately! I’ve seriously got tears running down my cheeks!

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