I feel somehow cheated by my depression. No, not out of “living a full life” or “having fun” or even “being happy,” none of that stupid feely bullshit.

I feel cheated because, like every January that I sink into this pit, I don’t get any of the cool depression critters following me around.

Sure, I have the omnipresent sadness, but do I have a cartoon raincloud following me as I listlessly select some apples at the grocery store? NO. No, Pranksters, I do not.

As much as I’ve tried, I don’t have that wind-up blonde lady toy either. You’d think, with as bone-crushing and soul sucking as it is, I’d probably be at LEAST entitled to that. A wind-up toy in exchange your soul? Seems fair.

I don’t, as much as it pains me to admit this, even have that chokey fuzzy bathrobe, either. I’m not partial to bathrobes, myself, so it’s not a huge loss, but that’s what the commercials say happens when I barely have the energy to slog outta bed and brush my teefers. SO WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BATHROBE TO CHOKE ME?

But what really fucking pisses me off is that I do not have the Abilify black hole to follow me. I could use a constant companion, like a black blob, to hang out with me while I’m at the doctors, or laying in bed after a nightmare. I had real plans for having him be my BFF. We’d go everywhere together. He’d fetch me soda while I laid on the couch, hating life. He’d rub my feet and offer me pedicures while I sobbed about nothing at all. And what do I have?


I haven’t seen hide nor fucking hair of that black blob since the depression hit.

I’m starting to think that we’re NOT BFF after all. That depression doesn’t come with a cool bathrobe that chokes you to death or a wind-up toy, or even a black blob.

I demand a recount, depression. That’s fucking bullshit.



86 Responses to Depression – Now With Less Companions.

  • Paula says:

    It IS fucking bullshit! Even though I don’t have trouble sleeping enough to need it, I’d take Lunesta if it meant I’d get to see pretty butterflies flittering around my room, too.

  • Heather says:

    Isn’t there one where instead of people, the commercial has little olives? I’m mad I haven’t turned into an olive yet.

  • Roxanne says:

    I know. I totally get it. Those TV depressed people have company. I feel I’ve been ripped off as well. Perhaps if folks could see my depression buddy they would understand, if I could say “Look! Don’t you see that? He/She is with me all the freakin time. You’d be in a bad mood, too!” Well, whatever.

  • JTook says:

    I think I’d like the butterflies, too.
    Or at least less animals following me from room to room. The kids are too interested in something electronic to care to follow me. But, damn, if the dogs and cat don’t follow me every. where. I. go.

  • kate says:

    I feel kinda like that little black blob creature lately. I could probably follow you around as long as you’re okay with me sobbing right along with you. We’d have to take turns rolling off the couch to get each other sodas though.

  • sashalyn says:

    I suspect that TMBG may have been writing about depression when they wrote this:

    “I’m your only friend
    I’m not your only friend
    But I’m a little glowing friend
    But really I’m not actually your friend
    But I am”

    Depression is such a liar- and totally not our glowing, cloud, bathrobed blob friend.

  • Teala says:

    You know, that IS bullshit. Where are all the really awesome things/critters when allergies, depression, and anxiety hit?! Bastards.

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma

    No. SHIT! WTF up wit date, world? I demand some adorable depressed cohorts!

  • Shana says:

    Well, I can’t offer a living bathrobe to be your constant “sadpanion”, however, I CAN bring my spiffy new Jedi bathrobe to your house for Amelia the adorable’s party.

    I think the commercials should really show a hole in the depressed person’s head anyway, because that’s how I view my little depression monster, I need the little jerk as much as a hole in my head.

  • Sarah P says:

    Oh God. It’s just another damn thing that wants something from you. And you’d probably have to feed it.
    I’m slogging through the depression of the winter, although not the winter of my depression, right now. Ugh.

  • Fallah says:

    You know what else is total bullshit? I’m taking Zoloft and I don’t have a Happy Zoloft Blob following me around! (http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/01/02/arts/02aurth.jpg)

    One of my friends jokes about medicine ads in general in this manner: “Hey! If you take Zyrtec you get a free happy puppy and a blonde child on the beach! Sign me up!” “Oooh, this medicine comes with a serious man in a fedora.”

  • Mayor Gia says:

    Aw, sorry you don’t get something cool with your depression. I want to get a cat for this purpose, and make it follow me around.

  • a says:

    How about the grey hoodie that makes you look homeless and strung out? Oh wait, never mind – that’s the STD commercial…

  • Once again, you’re right.
    I don’t have a fucking companion animal/creature and this depression is fucking crushing!

    However, I have cheated. I’ve adopted Churchill’s black dog. Sure, he’s imaginary, but who the fuck cares?

    I hate January, it’s the worst month of all the months and it’s too goddamn long.

    Can I go back to bed now?

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral

    I think my neighbors probably think I’m being followed by that blob, because every time I open the door to let my geriatric dog in or out (she moves slowly), I’m standing there for what seems like hours wearing my big, fleecy bathrobe. Turns out I’m just lazy.

    Also? That blob looks suspiciously like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. Minus the hat.

    Feel better.

  • Caroline says:

    I think the key is you have to star in a commercial. Instead of asking for payment, you ask for an anthropomorphic creature. Maybe it could be a hybrid Sad Care Bare/Snuggie combo.

  • Grace says:

    Not in the mood to be funny. So I’ll just add, DEPRESSION SUCKS!!

    Wish it would just go away for good.

  • Vinobaby says:

    Do you want me to send you a fuzzy bathrobe, Hon? How about some flannel p.j.s with clouds and rainbows? Wait. Damn. The p.jj.s weren’t on the commercial, and they’d probably make you puke.

    Ooh, how about that remote control stuffed monkey who makes “cheeky” comments or a Muppet Whatnot for a BFF?

    January just sucks. Hang in there. Rant away. We’re listening.

  • andrea says:

    ah, the abilify black hole. cute little fucker. maybe you should make a depressed build-a-bear and drag it behind you with a leash.


    • Anna says:

      This might be the most awesome idea ever.

    • TheBeerLady
      Twitter: TheBeerLady

      EXcellent. But you’d have to make sure that it’s really understuffed so that it’s kinda flat and really floppy and looks like roadkill on a leash.

      I still really want something I saw advertised in the back of Rolling Stone about a million years ago – Earl The Dead Cat. Yes, a marginally stuffed cat with a tire tread imprint across the back. Magical.

  • Catfish says:

    Agreed. Sometimes I also wish that I was actually too depressed to get out of bed. Because I CAN get out of bed, but then I sit around feeling numbed out. I thought depression meant you got to stay in bed all day and watch bad TV. Depression, if you’re going to suck so much, why can’t you at least be an excuse to get out of work!?

  • Anna says:

    That’s as much bullshit as pants. And, be thankful you don’t have the Abilify black hole – that shit did CRAZY things to me. Instead of being totally depressed I was depressed, jittery, anxious, constantly in motion and scatterbrained 24-7. BLECH.

  • Mrs. One Day says:

    I can dress up in a black hole suit, which I’m sure I can pick up at Target, and follow you around if you want? I don’t have anything better to do.

    Actually, would it be okay if it was a Grimace suit? Isn’t the word ‘grimace’ fitting anyway?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      Dude. Go for it. I think that the Grimace suit may make people laugh, which will make ME laugh and then I’m no longer depressed…so….um. Maybe you should market yourself as the next depression treatment.

      • Mrs. One Day says:

        I like that idea. Mrs. One Day…the Grimace suit wearing depression buster! Hire me to chase those blues away. I’ll follow you around in all my purple glory making jokes and Grimacing about. For extra I’ll shake my Grimace ass to “Party Rock Anthem”.

  • Depression is bullshit. I don’t need a cool toy or cracker jack prize. What I need is for it to materialize into something I can beat the living crap out of. I’m sick of depression being this shapeless fog that I can’t wrap my hands around or see through.

    Fuck depression. Let’s go get margaritas. How far are you from Minnesota?

  • HeatherS says:

    Every time that commercial with the wind-up doll came on last year, my then 5 yo would watch intently and then say, “That’s a doll for moms!” Yes, yes, it is. Have been on anxiety edge the last few days and fighting off the morph into a full-blown depressive episode as we speak. Trying sooo hard. So sorry for those that already got hit. Hold on tight people.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka

      You gotta wonder – why is it so BAD this time of year?

      And hold on yourself. This is gonna be a wild (read: sad) ride.

      Love you.

      • HeatherS says:

        Honestly, AB, there are so many things that effect me this time of year. Coming off of Christmas burnout where I try to make it so fun and perfect for my kids. Where I try to hold on to traditions and visit with all the different sides of my dysfunctional family..and I start to miss my grandparents, who were always such a big part of the holidays that have passed away over the last few years. Then we hit January. The tree isn’t down. It’s a super busy month with kid school/cub scout activities and my business. The house is all torn apart from the holiday madness. And yesterday morning when I woke up it was 12 degrees out and everything looked like a dead, frozen tundra. I felt on edge all day with it but pushed myself to get things done and then had a down and dirty panic attack last night. It just all comes together and hits at once. I am hanging on. Just tried to relax and medicate today so I could stay mellow. Sad but true. Feeling a little better. Felt bad that the day was unproductive but it did help keep me from spiraling. Anyone else relate to this?
        Thanks AB! Love you, too!

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka

          Um. *raises hands*

          It’s a chore to BATHE. That’s a bad fucking sign.

          • HeatherS says:

            Yes, AB…my husband told me to go take a shower and maybe I would feel better and I was like, “I think I’ll have a panic attack if I go into the shower where I am undistracted by the tv where I’m manically switching channels every 5 minutes.” Thank GOD for emergency ativan RX.

  • Jeans Y says:

    I’m trying to think of something witty to say but I think my blob-thingie sucked all the funny out of me. January can bite me. Probably February too. Can we just go directly to the birthdays in these months and skip the rest?

  • KaraB says:

    I’ve been there with the depression, currently I’m doing pretty good. My mom kicked cancer’s stupid ass so I’m good. I can follow you around like the black blob. I’m really pale though so I guess I’d be the ghosty blob. Yeah I totally have the blobbyness all taken care of.

  • Oh man, does the little voice in my head that tells me I suck count as a companion? Cuz I’d rather be alone.
    I read that a person should do things that cause happy thoughts to help fight depression (well DUH) so Imma read your blog every day and count how many times you say Fuck for my happy thought. NO PRESSURE.

  • Al_Pal says:

    Your Aunt Becky says:
    January 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm
    EXACTLY. I think you’d get more sympathy if some strange critter was all up in your shit.

    You’re the best. ;D

  • freestyletacet says:

    I read this post, and all I could think of was this:


  • Maria says:


    That girl knows what it’s like too.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream

    I think depression hits so hard at this time of year because the expectations of the holiday season are so damned high.

    And, dammit, how dare your depression deprive you of a cool companion.

  • Suniverse says:

    Depression buddies are notoriously bad about showing up for work. They think that because they’re involved in the depression industry, they can call in meh to work. Fucking cankers.

    PS I would totally hang around with you, but we’d need someone else to fetch sodas and rub feet. I’m thinking a house elf.

  • TheBeerLady
    Twitter: TheBeerLady

    Totally agree. It’s SO not fair that I don’t get cute little blobs or the strangling bathrobe or the sad little dark cloud. Even a Teletubby would do. Just something to walk along behind me and tell people, “Dude, seriously – do not EVEN start with her when you see me hanging around. Just back away quietly, and no one gets hurt.” The Teletubby could also stop the next person who tries to tell me “It’s because you don’t have faith – if you just give all your troubles to Jesus he’ll cure you,” because that next person may find out that while my depression doesn’t give me the urge to hurt myself, it sure as hell gives me the urge to throw people off a bridge when they annoy me. (And yes, I have a co-worker who has the brass balls to say something along those lines any time she sees me take a pill.)

    I made it through December by the skin of my teeth. Well, and Xanax. I’m sure January will be a delight. On the plus side, at least my BF’s symptoms pretty much peak with Christmas and then get better, because there’s no reason for both of us to be in the pit at the same time. (Can I rant briefly on a slightly related note? My BF called his pdoc’s office early in December and asked to see the doc because he was hearing voices. They told him they had an appointment available in 3 weeks. Seriously? A patient calls and tells you he’s started hearing voices and the best you can do is “See you in 3 weeks”?)

    • Kathleen says:

      I need that Teletubby! I’ve been known to go out with a hat on because combing my hair is just too much effort. The only thing that’s kept me from doing some bridge tossing myself is 1) It’s too much effort and 2) There are no bridges around here. This part of Georgia makes ,e wonder if the earth is actually flat.

      As for the “give it all to Jesus” folks, my Goddess is the Morrigan, and she don’t take no shit. http://www.pantheon.org/articles/m/morrigan.html Pushy Christians give me a pain.

  • Red says:

    I don’t get depressed seasonally, but when it does hit, I gotta say, I’d just want to slug the little olive following me, shred or burn the stupid bathrobe, and …well okay, I’d probably crawl into the black hole and feel warm and cozy.

  • ronetta says:

    i definitely just wrote a post about being freaking depressed out of my mind (on my blog)…it really does suck. and although you’ve got the daver and the awesomest crotch parasites ever, sometimes you just want that little blob of abilify depression to accompany you everywhere.

    i know i do…sometimes i’m like damn, that blob and i could pal around, he could follow me everywhere. but i don’t get him either, so don’t feel bad.

    *sigh* i wish we were closer in proximity. i could be your abilify blob :’)

  • Mary e says:

    HA!!, thank you, just…thank you!

  • Pish Posh says:

    ARGH! I know what you mean. The commercials suck and this time of year is horrible for my depression and this year is worse than most. I think you should make a choking bathrobe and little mugs – or shirts we can wear – with dark depression clouds and cartoon characters. Maybe you could even make a real-wind up depression lady doll that we could all hold when we feel miserable. Pull her string and Debbie Downer says “this shit will get better don’t worry!” or “get the fuck out of bed!” or something like that. Maybe even just something like “momma likes vodka slushies…”

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