Dearest Darkly Dreaming Dexter,

When I first heard of a television show where a vigilante serial killer murdered the bad guys that the police weren’t able to catch, I admit that I was intrigued. But I am also very cheap, so while I have basic cable, the premium channels, my love, well, I don’t have them. Shh, shh, there there, it’s not you it’s me! Why, I don’t even buy premium vibrators and those go on my cootch!

But I was intrigued. Because hello! Being a D-list blogger is ALMOST like being a vigilante serial killer except not at all, but let’s totally gloss over that, shall we?

Then I had some more kids and sort of lost my mind and forgot about you, current love of my life for as long as you hold my interest or your show stays on the air.

But it was like The Fates, or as I like to call it, Twitter, brought us together again when I asked them casually one night if I should maybe watch your show. The result was a unanimous “FUCK YES,” and so I did.

And I thought it was great, although I will admit to finding you more like a bumbling friend than a fuck-buddy. People who like to kill other people just don’t make my vagina tingle. But you’re charming in the very same way that my husband charmed me, so there’s something about very sweet guys like you and he that I find just ADORABLE.

So, Dexter, my friend, we were platonic for months as I dated such television husbands as Vincent D’Onofrio, Anthony Bourdain and Dr. House.

And then three things happened at the same time:

First, I got infected with The Swine Flu and required buckets of this:

Dexter 1 (The Good Shit)

This is the Good Shit. The cough syrup that Daver gets carded for every time he goes to the store to buy it for me. Also, there’s a big fat warning label which means that if you take too much of it, it pretty much rots your brain. No, it does, so be careful.

At the same time, I managed to buy this:

Dexter 2 (Waggly Eyes)

And I was all, This is full of The Awesome, it was on sale for like a gazillion dollars off which made me moist AND high and I justified it by saying that Dave could give it to me for Christmas! But then I left it on the kitchen counter because how depressing is it to hide YOUR OWN Christmas presents in your room?

So you sat there, beloved Dexter, where you looked creepily at me any time I walked by to drink this:

Dexter + Syzurp 3

The last thing that tipped me over the edge was when I found this, while rummaging through the pantry looking for some purple flavored Kool-Aid:

Beefy

BEEF STICKS. The most repulsive, repugnant, disgusting thing I have EVER seen in my life. Not only were they NON-REFRIGERATED TUBES OF MEAT, Dexter, BUT THEY WERE GENERIC. While I am a connoisseur of most things encased-meaty, this, THIS was going TOO FAR.

I needed a new husband…

…..and cupcakes, FAST. Both were conveniently located IN MY KITCHEN!

Dexter + Cupcakes = AWESOME 4

Because nothing says, “I love you and like to murder and maim bad people like sprinkley holiday cupcakes! They’re so festively gruesome!” Suddenly that sinister creepy look is kind of a come-hither look. I bet YOU don’t like generic beef sticks, Dexter. Because you are a man of EXCELLENT taste.

Dexter Holiday Bits 5

Dexter, I don’t know much, but I know that you must think that any bag labeled “HOLIDAY BITS” must be totally FULL of The Awesome just like I did. So when I opened this, I was fucking FULL of holiday cheer all of a sudden. It was like Christmas exploded in my kitchen and my funking pants. I was suddenly whistling “Joy to the World” out of my butthole and it sounded like a choir of fucking angels!

That, Dexter, is how a shiny bag of Holiday Bits makes me feel.

Dexter Eyebrows 6

And look at my whimsical fucking snowman cupcake liners, Dexter! It’s like I have Christmas Spirit flying out of my every orifice like funky sputum! When we are married and you go off and kill people while I stay home and, uh, blog and sit on my butt offering up the illusion of doing things, I will occasionally do stuff that is so corny that it’s almost cute. Then I will pepper it with swear words and gross imagery and it will almost make up for the fact that I did something normal.

You’ll get used to it.

Dexter 7

I swear that no one can add oil, eggs, or water as skillfully as me. Except for The Pioneer Woman, but she has a cookbook and I failed Home Ec, so there’s that. Don’t you agree, Dexter? OF COURSE YOU DO BECAUSE I HAVEN’T REMOVED YOUR SHRINK WRAP YET.

There, there, sweet-cheeks, I will. I will. Give me time. I am taking our relationship SLOWLY.

Dexter Likes It When I Beat Him 9

And look at me, all PHOTOBLOGGING. I swear, there is NOTHING I cannot do. Except for cook, and photoblog and really write anything of any value or, well, I could devote a blog to my many shortcomings, but that’s kind of depressing. Dexter, I am sure that you would want to see me beat things because you like to murder people.

SO LOOK AT ME BEATING STUFF.

Heh. Beating stuff. LIKE MEAT. Heh. She said beating meat. Heh.

MOVING ON.

Dexter Holiday Bits 10

This is me, whistling “Joy to the Motherf*cking World” because we are in the presence of some HOLIDAY BITS PEOPLE! HOLIDAY BITS!

There is nothing like Holiday Bits to get ME in the mood for some festive fucking EGG NOG and maybe a whimsical light up REINDEER SWEATER that sings “Santa Claus is Coming To Town.” Because he KNOWS who has been NAUGHTY and who’s been nice. ME.

BRING OUT THE MISTLETOE, assholes!

Dexter Spooning 11

If you don’t like cake batter, you’re dead inside. I mean, I know you kill people for a living, but cake batter is one of the true joys of this earth if you don’t like it Sweet Baby Jesus will cry. Also, I will be forced to store the Beef Sticks on top of you.

Dexter Likes Cupcakes 12

While at first, your look said, “I don’t know about these motherfucking holiday cupcakes, Aunt Becky,” your eyebrows now say to me “Not only do I love of the holiday cupcakes, but I also want to make desperate love to you. I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY HOLIDAY BITS.”

So to you, my new boyfriend, Dexter, I say this: steer clear of beef sticks and that fuck bag in Season 2 with the black hair because so help me GOD if she goes near you again I will kick her in the crotch.

I love you, never change, except win some Emmy’s and send me some diamonds. Dexter, My New Husband From TV

Your New Wife,

Aunt Becky

P.S. I mean it about the bitch with the black hair.

P.P.S. And the beef sticks. That’s just…wrong.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

197 Responses to Dearest Darkly Dreaming Dexter

  • Carrie says:

    Hi there – came from Jenepper’s blog and was delighted to find a post about Dexter. We got rid of our cable this year so I am having some withdrawals right about now knowing that season 4 has started and I can’t watch. I have to wait until next September for it to come out on dvd – which is just horrible. :(

    And you are so right about the sinister look turning into a come hither look… yeah – Dexter is hot.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m DYING knowing that I cannot watch Dexter OR Weeds right now. Seriously, it’s like torture. We should start a support group.

      Also, it’s nice to meet you! I love Jenepper. She’s my homie.

  • Molly says:

    Haaaaaa…..you said “Holiday Bits”…haaaaaaaaa

  • calliope says:

    sweet!! This means that Vincent is MINE!!! all miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!!

  • I like Holiday Bits. Or at least I used to. Now I associate them with Dexter & that is sorta too creepy for me. Creepy Christmas Cupcakes with Holiday Bits and a side of beef stick. I know what I am bringing to the holiday party!

  • Amie Simmons says:

    you are a genius. too freaking funny.

  • Jenn says:

    You are hilarious.
    Now I want cupcakes.
    Kent likes those beef stick things. I think those are the ones – is “beef lips” a main ingredient? (eww)
    I’m off to watch Dexter.

  • Cute~Ella says:

    Dexter, Cupcakes and Delsym oh my!

    If that doesn’t say speedy recovery, well I’m not sure what would.

    I <3 me some Dexter, but I too am too cheap for cable. Oh Amazon…

  • Libby says:

    Did you put the cough syrup in the cupcakes? Because that would be awesome.

  • Gimme a holiday bits cupcake, byotch, and nobody gets hurt!

    I love it when people finally discover Dexter, and they gorge themselves on it. I’m currently watching this season (which is almost over, what?!) and I have to say that as much as I loved it, and I even switched from my beloved HBO to showtime JUST so I could watch it, I’m just kind of like…..eh. I’m almost glad to be able to switch back to HBO very soon.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I would marry that show if I could. I am itching to see Season 4 and man, OH MAN, what I wouldn’t give for some Showtime.

      Also, I have TONS of cupcakes for you.

  • gorillabuns says:

    so, did you eat the beef stick? did it leave a disgusting film on the roof of your mouth?

  • Nicole says:

    back off lady I’m all over MCH!!! You just might have to fight me for him! :)

  • Coco says:

    “I’ll be forced to store the beef sticks on top of you” is my new favorite threat of ALL TIME.

    Also – note to self – do not read Aunt Becky while drinking hot coffee. That’s an important safety tip, kids. Write it down. You’re welcome.

  • mepsipax says:

    That is some funny shit. But the picture gets kinda creepy. But then it is weird and you don’t want it to leave you. Why don’t you look me in the eyes like that anymore. Oh yeah the restraining order.
    And…. mmmm cupcakes

  • a says:

    The holiday bits are sprinkles and they hurt my teeth. Do you know that my husband will not eat cake batter because it contains raw eggs? No wonder he’s such a cranky dude. Life would be miserable without cake batter and cookie dough.

    Dexter is awesome – and I love how his expression suits any occasion!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Your husband is missing out, and you know what? I bet Dave doesn’t eat cake batter either. That SOUNDS like something he would do. He’s very boring like that.

      Mental note: ASK DAVE.

  • Laura says:

    I’m way too poor for Showtime, so once a year, when mine eyes fall upon the glorious face of Dexter in the “new to DVD” section, I practically dance to get that shit into my shopping cart. Then I disappear from the rest of the world for three days and marathon my way through the entire season. I know I should try to savor it. But I can’t!! The depression after I finish the season and know I have another year’s wait ahead of me is enough to make me devour a whole batch of Holiday Bits Cupcakes! Seriously though, now I’ve got a major cupcake craving…

  • Ah, yes… There is such a fine line between madness and genius. I’m not sure on which side you fall and it frightens me that I’m so drawn to you.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m pretty sure that’s why Dave married me and why everyone in my house follows me around like I’m the master of a parade. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO NEXT ;)

  • I gotta tell you that at first I thought Dexter was a bumbler, but as he has killed more and more, he has become sexier and sexier. He can come over here and strap me down anytime.

  • Badass Geek says:

    I’m thinking of so many inappropriate jokes right now.

  • Lindsey says:

    I ? Dexter! He is so sexy and insane. A perfect pair.
    There is only one more episode left of Season 4 and it makes me want to cry {sniff sniff}. But its so fucking good!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I am going to do the happiest Happy Dance ever when it comes out on video, because I haven’t seen Season 4 (DON’T SPOIL IT) and there is a void there. A BIG HOLE.

      I can’t wait.

      • Melissa says:

        He kills someone in every episode this season.

        Oh, sorry :P

        Seriously I havent seen the show. But I was wrangling with my cable company (Verizon)and they gave me free Showtime for extending my contract for a year. Score!

  • Lindsey says:

    I heart Dexter! He is so sexy and insane. A perfect pair.
    There is only one more episode left of Season 4 and it makes me want to cry {sniff sniff}. But its so fucking good!!

  • Julie says:

    I have Dexter saved on my Netflix, and I’ve been saving myself for him for months now. I know that once I start watching, I won’t be able to stop…..and yes, Holiday Bits are the freaking business. And yes…beef sticks…what in the hell. I overheard some nasty dude talking about how he had a “yard of beef” in his freezer…that needs to not happen..like ever.

    Love the blog!

  • Shandal says:

    Hey I just read your post over at Jenepepper’s! Great post and really funny! I’m following you now!

  • Sandy says:

    I want cupcakes with holiday bits!

    Do they make prescription cupcakes? Cupcakes that require carding? Because I think I need those.

    There is a BIG BLIZZARD heading my way, so if you don’t hear from me for awhile…send beef sticks.

  • Jennifer B says:

    I too recently discovered the Awesomeness that is Dexter. But I got an even better deal, FREEEEEEEE. The library has it! I switch off between that and the Tudors, which is good but in a totally different way. BTW, can I have some holiday cupcakes, I’m a total cake addict, and those holiday bits just look scrumptious!!!

  • Ed says:

    Dude, I’m totally going to name my weenie “Dexter,” and use this post as a sort of foreplay script for those moments when I want to treat myself — ahem — special.

  • melanie Kerton says:

    I am too delusional with THE FLU so the only comment I have is send me the Delsym!!! I ran out two days ago………

  • Maria says:

    Ha. THAT SHOW IS WEIRD.

  • kimmad says:

    I see you have come over to the dark side. But that man is MINE! I’ll fight you, see if I won’t!

    I especially love it when he’s killing people and shit… it’s hawt…

  • Tiffany says:

    Totally laughed out loud which is good cuz I swear a co-worker said to me today “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays”.

  • I’ve just started a relationship with Dexter, too…. We’re just getting into season 2 and me and my husband are both kind of hot for and majorly creeped out by him.

    I may not know him as well as you, but I think I can say with complete assurance that he would absolutely, positively disapprove of holiday bits in his cupcakes.

    Me, on the other hand?? Well, let’s just say I’ve never met a product with eggs, sugar, butter and flour in it that I didn’t desperately love. :)

  • Emily says:

    This post TOTALLY made my day. I read it while eating lunch at work, and now have tears and snot running down my face because I laughed so hard I cried.

    My favorite parts: Dexter’s face looking at me seductively over the empty cupcake liners, the holiday bits, and “maybe a whimsical light up REINDEER SWEATER that sings ‘Santa Claus is Coming To Town.'” I will forward the link to everyone I know so they, too, can have happy snotty faces.

  • Melanie says:

    Now I want cake. I’m going to go try to exercise the cake thoughts out of my head. ;)

  • Evolgirl13 says:

    I prefer the generic variety of beef stix due to my high tolerance for ass wax, Dexter is hell-venly, and you, madam, verge on genious!

  • Jeni says:

    Oh I love me some Dexter! I’m seriously depressed that there is only one episode left of Season 4. Especially considering my BF and I gorged ourselves on Season 3 one week before it began to catch up! Think I’m going to pick up the novels and start reading those to fill the hole left in my heart after next week :(
    And now I must have cupcakes with holiday bits!!!

  • MK says:

    Seriously, you had me at “D-list blogger” – but really – those many many pictures of Dear Dexter, glancing eerily at me…makes me quiver.

    I’m not sure it’s in a good way.

    And I’m stocked up on that syrup, mmm. Hmmm.

  • Heather says:

    How wonderful that you have finally discovered Dexter. I feel like a horrible friend that I did not ever offer to set the two of you up…I mean, I have been darkly drawn to his antics, but I hesitate to play matchmaker.
    Cake batter is the shit. Have you tried Dreyers Slow-Churned Cake Batter Ice Cream? Not only is it wickedly delicious, but it has less fat and calories too. You could justify eating it with your sprinkly bits cupcakes. And afterwards, you will feel compelled to have another child and name her after me.

  • swirl girl says:

    Don’t you find it odd that Dexter , the serial killer was first David, the homosexual mortician on Six Feet Under? Odd, in an intriguing-that-he-turns-me-on-kind-of-way-because-he-gets-them-coming-and-going-kind-of-going.

  • Elly Lou says:

    Hearts. I’m sending you big fluffy cartoon hearts for you and your holiday bits. I think even MY bits are smiling after that round o’ raunch.

  • Kristine says:

    My husband loves Dexter. I just can’t get into it, I guess. Ehh – to each his own. Now I need to make some cupcakes.

  • Fran says:

    You know how sometimes there’s a movie you absolutely LOVE and you see it’s on TV so you click over to watch it and then you get all pissed because you know they are cutting things out and dubbing “airhole” over “asshole” and stuff? Well, I caught most of season 1 of Dexter when they tried to air it on CBS and it was NOT full of the awesome…it sucked…but only because you could tell how TRULY AWESOME it would be without all the stupid dub-overs and crap they were cutting out. So alas, I have not seen any more Dexter and since we are too cheap to buy the good channels I will have to get them on DVD someday. I guess I could rent them but I haven’t been to our video store since “the incident” :(

  • Jamie says:

    That is fucking funny. And I can tell, he’s TOTALLY stalking you back!

    I love my Aunt Becky

  • Rebecca says:

    So, you “failed Home Ec” huh?! Guess, what…they never even let me in the class. Every time I signed up (2 times) I was told the class was full. I think they must have heard about the time I tried to bake a frozen pizza and caught my grandmas apartment on fire. There was only damage to the oven……..She didn’t even need a new one. But the fire….nobody will ever forgive me for the fire.

  • I can’t seem to get a divorce from Michael Westin. Just can’t do it.

    (I am having an affair with Dr Daniel Jackson from Stargate SG1, but it doesn’t count, because that show is no longer on the air.)

  • Christa says:

    On a day that is a full on nightmare to be here at work, I thank you. Sweet Aunt Becky. I laughed till I forgot about my crazy boss and cranky customers. Thank you.
    You should photoblog/get sick more often. Now my only issue is a serious craving for Holiday Bits.

  • linlah says:

    Maybe if Dexter’s mom had let him lick the spoon (or the beaters, or the bowl) his life might have gone in a different direction.

  • Erin says:

    I could not agree with you more about psycho ho from Season 2! I sat on the couch seething everytime she sauntered her needs-a-sandwich ass on screen. “Get away from our Dex, tartlet!” The woman every guy’s dated (aside from the killing, hopefully) and each of his female friends loathes.

    But I’ll admit to a deeper, more analytical & thoughtful reason to be annoyed by her – wait for it, going to rock your world – what was up with her moving her mouth so much? ;) Have you noticed that? I wonder if she thinks she’s in a kung fu movie, her mouth is moving double time for the words coming out…

    Ok I’m done. That was bitchy.

    I’m, um, sure she’s like a really nice person in real life heh heh…*sheepishly walks back to my corner*.

  • Erin says:

    I called Lila a psycho whore enough times that J once turned to me and said “Yes, she’s a psycho whore, I know.” But you know, truth will come out…

    My Dexter season 3 disc 3 is waiting for me at home. Gotta love Netflix.

  • Pete in Az says:

    So…

    You’re comparing your husband to a psycho killer, eh?

  • Trista says:

    I’m practically hyperventilating because I’m trying to laugh quietly at work, which is going to backfire when I pass out and they check what I was “working” on…BRING OUT THE MISTLETOE, assholes! Can I steal this for my personal motto, pretty please?
    I love Dexter – my husband and I have a standing appointment with him on HBO Canada on Sunday nights. Every season we say “I don’t know how they can keep the story going” and then they do something ridiculously good. Heeellooo, crazy John Lithgow.
    Yep, Lila is a fuckbag and I can’t say much more in case you haven’t seen the whole season, but jeesus she had it coming.
    I’m running to the grocery store after work to see if I can score me some Holiday Bits.

  • Bobbi says:

    I’m so glad you’ve left Anthony Bourdain for me. I’ve decided to impress him by substituting butter for the oil and milk for the water in my Holiday Bits cupcakes and then trying to pass them of as Not From A Mix. I think it might work. And if not I can fill him full of tequila.

  • fiddle1 says:

    I SALIVATE over Dexter too. And when Dex is in the mailbox, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. It does creep me out that he’s married to the woman that plays his sister IRL. but seriously, when Michael C. Hall played David Fisher on Six Feed Under, he was brilliant. And I never thought I’d get used to him playing someone else. But now I can’t even remember David, b/c he is all DEXTER.

  • LOVE DEXTER. And screw these trying economic times. My kids are small and don’t eat much, thereby justifying the price we pay to have Showtime. Season 4 finale is next week and O..M..G – I’m on the edge of my seat.

  • Oh God, Dexter is going to haunt me in my dreams. Hilarious posting, as always.

    Love,

    Me, the lame-ass commenter.

  • Miss Spoken says:

    I used to know a girl nicknamed Holiday Bits … no, wait …. it was Meat Stick. Her nickname was Meat Stick.

  • LOL! I love this post.

    I just borrowed seasons 1-3 of Dexter from a friend, having never seen it before but having heard so much about it. My boyfriend and I have only watched the first episode of season one so far though, but this weekend we’ll get into it more (now that he’s done university, FINALLY).

  • Calamity_Jane says:

    Oh man, Aunt Becky, I am so happy you have finally found enlightenment. Dexter and cupcakes with holiday bits. Too freakin’ fantabulous. I think I watched the first three seasons of Dexter of Netflix in the span of three or four days It would’ve been a nonstop marathon, but hey, a woman gots things to do other than oogle her man as he kills all the bad people, am I right?

  • Bette says:

    And I thought I was the only person who thought purple should be a flavor!

    I think we may be soul mates!

  • gaylin says:

    Best Photoblog EVER!

    This is why I come to work, it is not so I can eat or pay rent, it is so I can read this blog and have a happy moment at my boring job with all the boring people. I am too cheap to have the interweb in my house so I wait anxiously all weekend so I can get to work and read Aunt Becky write the awesome things like: I was suddenly whistling “Joy to the World” out of my butthole and it sounded like a choir of fucking angels!”
    Really – Youtube is waiting anxiously for this! Millions will watch and be amazed – you could end up on America’s Most Talented!

    Whistling out your ass and making cupcakes. Your talent abounds!

    Stupid allergies means no cupcakes for me . . .

    I have tried watching Dexter and end up meandering away and doing dishes or phoning people, my bad.

    I will wrestle you to the ground and thump you – Stay away from Dr. House. He is mine!

  • Cohiba says:

    Dexter FTW!!!

    I so salivate every time the show time free preview comes around because usually they throw in showtime on demand and i can usually catch up on my dexter. But lately..

    Shh shh shh.. I’m getting showtime for free. My box is messed up and 1 off the wall showtime channel up in the HD teir comes in, so i’m able to watch Dexter in high def. To bad my TV isn’t highdef just a generic monster 36″ 200lb Cathode ray tube. Course the way you used the box in your photoblog, I feel like he’s watching me like any minute i’m going to turn around or go for another wonderful christmas cookie my wife made and there BOOOM is going to dexter looking at me.

  • Vinomom says:

    I had to skim over the comments in case there are any spoilers. Dexter inconsiderately comes on on Sundays during football season. Then theres the Monday night game. So I don’t get to watch until Tuesday.

    That being said we watched the first three seasons on DVD, but actually ordered Showtime for the new Dexter season. And we NEVER EVER watch anything else on that channel except Dexter. Cuz the moveis suck ass.

    I hope Dexter liked his cupcakes.

  • Susan says:

    What’s wrong with meat in unrefrigerated, roll form?

  • Sunny says:

    Wow, Aunt Becky, this post has it all. Vaginas, serial killers, industrial strength cough syrup, beef sticks, and cake batter. Someone better get YOU a show on Showtime!

  • Liz says:

    Thanks, Aunt Becky, for distracting me at work!

    Lila is a crazy. I spent a good chunk of season 2 yelling at the screen. Now I’ve seen 2 episodes of season 3. Once I quit being hormonal and crying during “Glee,” I’ll resume watching.

    And holiday bits+cupcakes is a match made in heaven. The hubby and I ate 24 cupcakes (with not-so-holiday bits) in less than 24 hours a couple weeks ago.

  • amber says:

    Dude, you cannot steal my ONE talent…that of adding oil, eggs and water skillfully! I am the most skillful of skillful, ‘kay? Otherwise, I got nothing. Nothing, I tell you.

  • Kat says:

    I being a massive couch potato have two dvr’s and hbo and showtime. Last nights episode was awesome and if you love him now you’ll be over the moon when you get caught up.
    P.s You, me , Dexter and holiday bits. Just think about it.

    • Kat says:

      Oh and I’m gald to see I’m not as insane as my family thinks because I love a show with a serial killer. I mean if it’s still on the air a lot of people watch right. Right. Now the fact that I get turned on by a serial killers is another story in its self.

  • Stefanie says:

    Hi-larious. Creative, funny, elaborately insane. You and Dexter belong together.

  • kalakly says:

    You know, ther are ‘other’ things you can do with beef sticks, and them not being refrigerated might be a bonus….I’m not saying I know this, I’ve just heard about it.
    :)

  • Jay says:

    I really dig the Dexter tv show and I’d heard the books were even better, so this summer when I saw the latest instalment in the library I grabbed it. And was so very, very confused. I thought, naively, each season mirrored one particular book but it seems after perhaps the first book they decided to go a whole different way.

    I loved this post, no surprise there — mainly because I’d never seen a blog post written by someone off their tits on cough mix. But I warn you, keep away from the books in this condition…

  • Everyone says B looks like Dexter!

  • Susan says:

    Yes, Becky. Beef sticks are wrong. But not as wrong as not paying top dollar for a PREMIUM vibrator. Skip a few meals, reuse some diapers or, better yet, tell me where to send the check. But get a top notch vibrator for fuck’s sake!

  • Mom Wald says:

    I’m not brave enough to touch on the subject of Dexter.

    Don’t be knockin’ the hiding your own gifts. If you have a short memory like me you end up with really great surprises. Which may be the only way I will be pleasantly surprised.

    I need to make a bumper sticker, “Sprinkles Make Everything Better”. Well, it’s more socially acceptable than “Show me your colorful bits.”

  • Kat says:

    Also a perk of showtime Dexter on demand.

  • Jessica says:

    I have a story about beef sticks…and the munchies.

    Apparently, very satisfying…though when stolen…not exactly so delightful anymore (sorry, kid on the pier in NC. I swear I wasn’t the one who told on you…)

  • Hell and yes! I love me some Dexter. I now must wait and wait and wait for season 4 to come out next fall on DVD. Because I will not cheat and try to watch it illegally online. Ahem.

    Also, beef sticks are of the devil. Unless you have a nice pepperjack cheese with it, then maybe just a little sliver.

  • Krissa says:

    Oh, gawd. You gots it bad, don’t cha’ girl? The hots for Dexter and swine flu too…?

  • OMFG! Fucking hilarious! I laughed through the entire blog! Not only do I love me some Dexter Morgan, but I HATED LILA! Oh man Aunt Becky, this is your best blog. Seriously funny shit. I am going to link this on my Facebook for others to read.
    MUST.BE.READ.BY.ALL.

    Now I need to read the other comments.

  • Mad Woman says:

    Oh my sides…they ache from the laughing and the snorts. Ooohh. Dexter was mine for two years, so I’m willing to pass him on to you now. But I must warn you..that bitch with the dark hair? Yeah. She puts up a good fight!

    Enjoy the cupcakes!

  • Padiwack says:

    I adore Dexter, and you are growing on me quickly too!

    Finding your blog is on my top ten list of Very Good Things That Happened to me in 2009. :-)

  • Nyx says:

    Dude. Lay off the Delsym.

    And while I haven’t seen Dexter, I wish to watch him as well. I get every channel except for showtime :(

  • I wanted so much to hate him and everything his show stood for.
    I chastised my children for trying to watch the show when I wasn’t looking, I ranted and raved about conditioning people to be so numb and detached that even brutal murder seemed “normal”.

    Then I watched and episode (in secret of course, and after the children were in bed) and found myself intrigued. Ashamed but intrigued.

    By the third episode I had not only normalized his crimes in my own head buy psychoanalyzed his character and justified my undying love and devotion to him….

    Ah Dexter..something about the way you wrap people in saran wrap and drain their blood out through a tube that really gets a girl going.

    http://www.theladyslounge.com

  • SciFi Dad says:

    There’s a type of encased meat that Aunt Becky won’t touch?

    I think I see a vortex developing over the central United States where space and time are folding in on themselves.

  • Mrslala says:

    Hmmm, I think I need to get myself some of that cough syrup!

    And Dexter…ahhh yes. But I always feel like I want to beg him to put on some damn chapstick! Has anyone else noticed that he always looks like he has uber chapped lips?!

  • Mwa says:

    And there you go writing the PERFECT POST, and all I can do is worship at your altar.

    LoveLOVElove it! x

  • Congratulations on your new TV Marriage, Aunt Becky! We were all waiting for you to fill the emotional void left by that insensitive Vicodin-hog, Dr House.

    Also, you should probably check out The Tudors or Big Love. Both deliciously yummy shows that I’m only able to follow when they’re on dvd. But oh so guiltily worth it!

  • My new boyfriend was Dexter for Halloween…HOT, yo!

  • sarah says:

    Dexter cannot be your fuck buddy because he is mine.

    And this was your funniest post. Ever. EVA.

  • Kristin says:

    I’ve been rather intrigued with this show but I don’t have Showtime either.

  • Toni says:

    Not sure if you’re a book reader, but the books are awesome too.

    BTW, I think we should be friends… :) “Holiday bits”…gotta love it.

  • Since you dropped an eggnog reference, I get to tell my favorite eggnog joke by Dave Attel: “You know what eggnog REALLY is? Elf cum!”

  • Lucy Cooper says:

    I’m to GD lazy to read all the comments, and besides, I don’t CARE if five people already said it:

    ENGLISH TITTY VAMPIRE

    maybe the funniest thing ever said on that show. That or “metric fuck-ton.”

    Aunt Beck and Dexter- two great tastes that taste great together. It’s just too good.

  • Nicole says:

    Hi Aunt Becky, just found your blog a few weeks ago. Don’t know how i ever lived without it. I have been inspired to start my own blog – “De-Life-Full”. Maybe one day i can be as eloquent and funny as you. I figure I’ll just have to hone my skills in public, despite always wanting to have everything perfect.

  • Karen Sugarpants says:

    Fuck I love you.

  • Stephanie says:

    Fucking yum-cakes. Hey, as long as you leave my TV-husband David Boreanaz alone, you can have as many of the others as you want. Holiday bits? Full of the awesome (Halloween bits? No.) Egg nog? Fucknasty.

    I think I’ll have to check out Dexter on Hulu (internet channel of the gods – the only way I can watch Glee and Bones).

    If I’m gonna have beef sticks, I want my husband’s beef stick (he he he). Oh, you showed us beef sticks you can buy at the local store. I’ll take the Jack Link ones or the venison ones I get from the hunter-gatherer side of my family.

    You still fucking rule, Bex.

  • I’ve been meaning to watch Dexter and haven’t gotten around to it. Now I’m going to have to, because obviously that and the holiday bits are why I am not able to make a decent cupcake.

    Also, this is the best photoblog ever!

  • Backpacking Dad says:

    You can watch season 4 (the one that’s on right now, last episode airing next week) on Cast Tv. I don’t know anything about the legalities of it, I just know it’s there. You might also get a computer virus, but that’s what the Norton Computer Condom is for, right?

  • JennK says:

    Funniest fucking post ever. I mean it. You probably *should* stop now. Photoblogging??? With food??? You’re coming into your own. Next post: Aunt Becky gets high on perkies and whips up some brownie batter. With holiday bits, of course!!

  • boobarella says:

    daaaaaaamn Becky, thems some nice cupcakes.

  • ang says:

    you entertain me so much. love dexter.

  • Nona says:

    You should have your own show on the Food Network: Aunt Becky Bakes the Bits. You’d totally kick Sandra Lee’s ass.

    I’ve never watched “Dexter” because my dog’s name is Dexter and it just feels wrong.

  • You can start a cooking with crazies blog! Tomorrow brownie make with Lizzie Borden!

  • Manda says:

    That guy is effing creepy.

    And cupcakes just make me angry for about the next 8 weeks.

    But Aunt Becky, you are still full of The Awesome.

    John Stamos will forever be my TV husband. He kissed me once. On the mouth. Swear to baby Jesus. And he grabbed my butt. Shortly thereafter he left Rebecca Romain…you do the math.

  • Tracy says:

    I’m not sure about the generic beef sticks. It looks more like someone vacuum-packed a tongue! A big, red tongue. Maybe it’s the Kool-Aid man’s tongue.

    Oh, hang on. I see it now. I thought the red was the meat, not part of the package. I was all freaked out.

  • This will hurt. Gulp. Are you sitting down?

    I don’t own a t.v.
    I’ve never seen Dexter.
    I heart beef sticks.

    It’s cool, I know this means we’re totally breaking up, but we’ll always have that night in that Tijuana brothel. Ah, such memories.

    Bex, this post made me snort chocolate milk out of my nose.

  • Dexter is creeptastically sexy. Although I do have a bit of a problem shaking the gay off of him from Six Feet Under.

    I like to watch Dexter in the nude. I just have to make sure my grandmother’s wheel chair is facing the opposite direction of the T.V….

  • panamahat says:

    Just finished season 3. Waiting until someone gives me a copy of season four (yes, I’m cheap), meanwhile, last episode of season three of the Wire to watch. Thank god there are two more series of that still left. THEN whaddamagonnado?

  • Anjali says:

    This post has me all hot and bothered.

  • pickel says:

    When you are done with that bring it over to my house…I just bough the Delsym and could totally use some Dexter and cupcakes. I tried ordering it from Blockbuster but they sent me everything out of order. Stinks.

    And, I’m only across the river…

  • Hope your Holiday Bits were moist.

  • GingerB says:

    I can’t believe you left Vincent. Maybe that is no problem, we can still be friends. I can console him. Vincent is all mine, now. Good riddance.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      You can HAVE him. ALL YOURS.

      (the original post, I should send you, I got linked to by a bunch of rabid fans who were pretty, uh, brutal. They didn’t seem to get the satire bit of it)

  • mumma boo says:

    What’s with the nipple shot appearing next to the bag of Holiday Bits? Are you emancipating your Holiday Bits for us, Becky? *waggles eyebrows*

  • AHAHAHAHA, holiday bits! Nice! *dreamy sigh* hi Dexter, you look mighty FINE all wrapped up in plastic. Mmmmm yummy! Both the cupcakes AND the man! Hope you enjoy both, a lot.
    *HUGS*

  • SugarShok says:

    Sorry to break it to you, but that serial killer is MINE

  • Mrs Soup says:

    Dude, about time you fell in love with Dexter. Now I can take Dr. Gregory House back into MY Holiday Bits! w00T!

  • WebSavyMom says:

    –>Now I want cupcakes. Greattttt……

  • Ummm….Becky….Really? Seriously? Vincent D’Onofrio?

  • Quiet Dreams says:

    I *heart* Dexter.

    And Vincent, too, FWIW.

  • Catootes
    Twitter: Catootes
    says:

    Ohhh, Darkly Dreaming of Dexter.

    He could so smear me with cake batter.

    I guess we can share him.

  • MamaSkates says:

    hilarious! & the last pic with the candle had me rolling on the floor!!!

  • SO funny . . . so funny. You’ve left nothing for me to say.

    The photo-blogging was sensational BTW. Please include it as a weekly feature. mwah!

  • unidledad says:

    I love Dexter, it’s one of my favorite shows and your post was awesome. It made me want cup cakes.

  • Tara says:

    I know I am late. But that post was kinda hilarious!

  • Kendra says:

    We’ve been watching Dexter since the beginning (that’s right, I was in on something from the start!) and he’s gone from “creepy but intriguing” to “I would totally set him up with my sister and would just explain that it seems like this serial-killer thing would be a fault, but he somehow makes it work.”

    I’ve spent the last several Christmases cranky, starting about the day after Halloween and ending a little after the new year–all the “why are you going to be spending that part of the holiday with that part of the family?” But Holiday Bits and the thought of a light-up Rudolph sweater, plus Dexter’s smoldering almost-smile, are making me think maybe I’ll put on the Reader’s Digest Christmas record after all!

  • Iva says:

    I think he is stalking YOU…and not you him ;)

  • Great I am fucking hungry AND stabby now. Which is perfect since Dexter and I will be having our last date of this season next sunday! We can eat beef sticks and stab together.

  • giggleblue says:

    you have got to stop making fun of PW!!!

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  • Hi guys,, I need you to tell what is the name of the episode when Dex sleeps with Lila the first time? I cant remember :S.. thanks!

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  • Emily Jones says:

    I love Dr. House and i always watch this TV series after my day job.**~

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