When I was a baby, I’d sleep so late in the mornings that my mother often rushed into the room, certain I was dead. And I was. DEAD TO THE WORLD.

As I grew up, it became clear that I was simply not a morning person. I’d wake up, stomp around the house for half an hour spitting venom at anyone who dared speak to me and then be…okay. Not great, but okay.

Rather than be offended by my mutterings of “I hate you, motherfuckers,” this delighted my family to no end. My brother and father often fought over who got to wake me up. My brother generally won.

So I’d be woken up to his frantic BANG BANG BANG on the door and just as I had rolled over, realizing that I was not, in fact, eating a castle made of marshmallows, he’d burst into my room.

Singing.

Off-key.

Often, he’d include a pot to bang.

“IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP, BE-CKY, IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP NOW!” was a favorite, although generally it was this: “RISE, AND SHINE, AND BRING OUT THE GLORY-GLORY, RISE, AND SHINE, AND SING OUT THE GLORY-GLORY.”

By the time I’d lobbed a pair of shoes at his head, I was downright furious. It’s bad enough to have to live THROUGH a morning, but to be woken up to my brother’s off-key warbling of church songs? That was fucking TORTURE.

Once I’d gotten dressed and stomped downstairs, my family would greet me one by one with, “WHY HELLLLLO, BECKY. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”

I’d let my middle finger respond.

While this brought no end of amusement to the rest of my family, I’d always hoped that I’d grow into a morning person. After I plotted their death by torpedo or frenzied shark attack, of course.

Not so much. Their untimely deaths OR an ability to enjoy anything before ten AM.

I’ve fought against it but it turns out that I will simply never be a morning person.

Mornings are bullshit.

This week, I have to be a morning person. My preschool teacher is gone for a week, which means that I have to entertain a very bored Alex and Amelia.

It’s gin and tonic o’clock somewhere, right?

—————–

Are you a morning person? Can you come over and watch my kids for me?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

70 Responses to Dear Morning: I Hate You

  • Kristine says:

    You’re a woman after my own heart. I’m glad I’m not the only one. Mornings should be outlawed. Waking up before 10 a.m. is totally a form of torture and should go the way of water boarding.

  • megan says:

    I love this!! My sister is the same way, although I’m more like your brother, and got to wake her 2 scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy butt up!

    • Chelsie says:

      Oh my God. Mine too! My mother used to force my brother an I to roshambo to see who had to go in there to wake her up. It was seriously dangerous. As soon as the door creaked open and the pale morning light struck her face, my sister would growl at us. Then her head would spin around on her shoulder. No joke. That girl is still the most evil bitch in the world before ten AM, and even that’s stretching it because calling her a bitch impugns the good name of other (nicer) bitches the world over. I’m so glad she’s married and her husband has to deal with that shit now. Heh.

  • gorillabuns says:

    As a child my mother and I would scream at each other in the mornings. Now, I’ve been blessed with two screamers, screaming at me.

    we all fucking hate mornings.

  • Super Red says:

    YES! My sister used to do the same thing to me…. bouncing on my bed, “GOOD MORNING!! Isn’t a BEAUTIFUL morning?!?! Don’t you want to GET UP and ENJOY IT??”

    …. they’ve never found her body. *

    *I suppose this is where I should add the disclaimer that I’m just kidding and she’s alive and well. :)

  • Aluso says:

    Absolutely not a morning person. As an infant I would sleep for 13-14 hours at a stretch. I have a sneaking suspicion that my baby is going to take after my Dad who get up at 5:30 on Saturday! Who the fuck does that?!?

  • Aluso says:

    Absolutely not a morning person. As an infant I would sleep for 13-14 hours at a stretch. I have a sneaking suspicion that my baby is going to take after my Dad who get up at 5:30 on Saturday! Who the fuck does that?!?

  • Meg says:

    Oh, I very sorry to hear that…You see, I am a morning person. I am one of those annoying happy/perky morning people. I usually tone it down, b/c the fiance is not. I say I need coffee, but between you, Aunt Becky, and me and all the rest of your pranksters, I don’t need it…It helps me get through the afternoon. You see, my down-fall is the hours between 11 and 1. I get sleepy, I get annoyed, and I want nothing to do with the rest of the world.
    So, splash a little bailey’s in with that coffee and good luck!

  • AF says:

    I used to know a young woman who would sing out to the world through an open window, “Wakey, wakey. Rise and shine. Get out of your bed and into mine.”

    I never discovered if she meant it… ;)

  • Aimée says:

    Oh dear God – I am not a morning person and was treated to a song while living at my parents’ house from the age 0-19: “The bright sun comes up, the dew falls away! GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING!!!! THE LITTLE BIRDS SAY!! (yeah, it needed the caps and !!! to demonstrate how annoying it really was…)

    The kicker? I SO sing that song to my daughter some mornings. (not the ones when I’m in morning-mood though)

  • Becky says:

    I think you just found your new t-shirt. Mornings are bullshit. I would buy it and wear it proudly every fucking morning. Sorry I hate mornings and am still trying to figure out how to keep my son from popping up like a piece of toast from fast asleep to fully awake and ready to an raring to go in the morning so I can’t help with your dilemma just know your so not alone

  • I am not a morning person perhaps because I don’t actually fall asleep until like 3 or 4AM so it’s hard to wake up right after you’ve fallen asleep. But my youngest daughter is just like you. If you have to wake her up you better be within a safe distance or you’re either getting hit or cut we’re never sure. She despises waking up. The child would sleep all day if we’d let her.

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    I’ll be honest, the thing that scares me most about having a baby? Even more than the labor and the pushing and the blood and ickiness? It’s the having to get up even earlier to get the kiddo ready. Uuuuuugh. Stupid morning.

  • Good ways to start the morning sometimes include bloody marys and mimosas. Just sayin’

  • Pam says:

    So NOT a morning person either. My dad and brothers used to LOVE waking me up- those assholes. Hubs is a morning person but it didn’t take him long to realize that the NOT morning person was in charge of mornings around here. LOL

  • Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey
    Twitter: greeblemonkey
    says:

    My mom once had to through water on me.

  • Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey
    Twitter: greeblemonkey
    says:

    THROW. I’m still not awake yet.

  • leanne says:

    I’m more or less a morning person. Except when my kids get up at ungodly hours (before 6am). Like this morning. Then I don’t like mornings as much. I’m ready for a nap. And some chocolate.

  • Amen sister I hear you! Only my mom and sister use to fight over who WOULDN’T go wake me up! “It’s your turn!” “Oh hell no it’s your turn!”

    These days I am very thankful I’m married to a stay-at-home dad who doesn’t want to deal with my crank ass in the morning and just lets me sleep. Though it took nearly 8 years of marriage for us to come to that. Even then, on days I have to be at work in the morning, I have to get up at a more reasonable hour (though still a couple hours after he is up with the kids) and it takes 2 alarm clocks to get me out of bed.

    Mornings are bullshit. Maybe even more bullshit than pants.

  • Chris in PHX says:

    NOT a morning person either. Co-workers know to not even look in my direction till at least 9:30.
    Have you thought about jusy locking the ankle bitters in the basement along with the dogs and going back to bed? I think they can entertain themselves for a few hours :)

  • Rebecca says:

    Sounds a whole lot like me. I can’t stand mornings and while I was promised that once I had kids I’d totally change ……….I haven’t. I still hate mornings. Sure they are more tollerable now that I have to little sunshines waking me up, but really? I’d rather sleep until 11:30. Mom tells me of times before I could even walk and her and dad would wake me up around 10am and I’d just scowl at them. They thought this was funny!

  • Jenni Chiu says:

    Seriously… fuck you, morning.
    My husband leaves for work at 5 am. He used to wake me up to make him coffee, breakfast, etc… besides calling him very name in the book, he became afraid I would poison him and now lets me sleep.
    I have never, NEVER been a morning person. I can’t even communicate properly until 10 am.

  • Mrs. Joyner says:

    Add me to the mornings are bullshit crew. My husband would LOVE for me to get up w/him at the ungodly hour of 5:00AM and I would LOVE for him to get up w/the baby 3-4x a night. Yeah. So I let him sleep at night, he lets me sleep in the morning. I agree that mornings are bullshit should be a shirt. I’d wear it to bed every single night and around the house til about 11AM or when I had to get ready for work.

  • Liz says:

    Poor Auntie Becky! Spike that coffee and nap in a recliner or on the couch. Put bowl of crackers or scooby snacks on table.

    As a child, I was neither a morning person nor a morning monster. We fought over who had to wake up my sister. She was a right monster and required a pot of stiff coffee. One Christmas my parents gave her the first espresso machine I’d ever seen, and we lived just outside of Seattle.

    Now I am not a morning person. Ever. Plus I get the afternoon sleepies. Yes, I rot my kids’ brains during the summer with lots and lots of TV. Thank God for Netflix over the Wii. I get in a nice nap on the couch while they vegetate. Daughter will go outside and play. They have even started feeding themselves things like apples and applesauce. And Bread. Sometimes Milk. They wake me up when they want a real breakfast.

    • Liz says:

      Oh, and my Mom sang the whole “It’s Time to Get up” and “Give God the Glory glory” to wake all of us up, loudly, but not to my sister.

  • RuthWells says:

    Mornings are SUCH BULLSHIT. I slept through 8 minutes of ringing alarm this morning, that’s how bullshit they are.

  • Jonah Gibson says:

    Used to be a morning person, but not any longer. Gets harder and harder to get up the more depressed I become over circumstances. Naturally the later I get up the worse my circumstances get. When I’m living in a cardboard box under a bridge I won’t have to get up at all will I? Best thing about getting up? Taking a nap after breakfast!

  • Sandy says:

    If I get enough sleep, I’m definitely a morning person. If morning starts after 8 am. I blame it on having kids. Now that they’ve grown up and left the nest, the cat has taken over for them and hits me in the head at 4 am to be fed. 4 am is not morning, it is the middle of the fucking night. She’s 18, you’d think by now she’d know how to read a clock.

  • Dr. O says:

    Not a morning person and never will be. When Monkey wakes up at 6am to eat, I sleep through it, then sleep through my shower, getting him ready and eating breakfast. Sometime during my 30 minute commute to work I seem to wake up.

  • MKP says:

    omg I’m the same way, and my dad and brother are the same way. My dad delights in waking me when I’m home for a visit, on days when there is NO REASON for me to be awake since everyone’s going to work anyway. No amount of moaning and glaring and throwing things will make him go away. It must be because I’m such a fucking ray of sunshine the rest of the day that’s funny when I’m cranky, right?

    ….right?

  • katrina says:

    I’ll be right over Becky! I love mornings!

  • Joules says:

    I’m all about mornings. As long as they start after 12pm. And involve waking up for a half and hour by luxuriating in having the entire expanse of bed to myself and reading blogs on my ipad.

  • I actually am a morning person. And I blame early morning swim practices in high school for that.

  • Jennifer/jhbtook says:

    I had to lay down the law with my kids for summer-if they ask me what we’re doing for the day before 10am, we don’t go anywhere. It’s worked for the past two days, so we’ll see how it goes the rest of the summer.

  • Jennifer/jhbtook says:

    I had to lay down the law with my kids for summer-if they ask me what we’re doing for the day before 10am, we don’t go anywhere. It’s worked for the past two days, so we’ll see how it goes the rest of the summer.

  • Vinobaby says:

    My child slept in until 8 freaking 30 today. HEAVEN. I want to keep him in summer camp all year long so he stops waking me up at 6:30 as per normal. He inherited that stinking gene from my Mom who naturally wakes at 5 cheerful and talkative. Don’t talk to me until after 2nd cup of coffee.

    Cheers.
    VB

  • Bex says:

    As a fellow morning hating Becky tormented for years by family members I feel your pain. Although I think my mother loved it when we slept in. My husband is one of those fuckers that lives and breathes happiness in the morning…and I’ve caught that asshole checking to make sure I’m breathing if I sleep past 9. I’m afraid to have children because they’re going to wake up and expect interaction from me. But if Aunt Becky can do it I’m hopeful it won’t cause me to eat my young.

  • Lizbeth says:

    No morning is a good morning. My kids know not to get anywhere near me till I’ve had a cup of coffee or it’s 8:30–whichever comes sooner. I don’t know how it’s possible for a person to wake up happy and refreshed. That is a medical mystery…

  • SharleneT.
    Twitter: SolarChief
    says:

    Heh heh heh, I’m a morning person with a song in my heart and on my lips! Actually woke my girls up to ALL the Frank Luther Manners songs, accompanied by guitar. If they didn’t want to hear it all, they got out of bed! Simple as that… Unfortunately, I was surrounded by NOT MORNING people whose arms flailed and nasty words came out of their mouths while I tried to get them up! (I bet I could get you up with some Frank Luther songs….)

  • Nikki says:

    Oh man mornings are HELL!!! My ideal start time to the day would be 11:00 am at the earliest. Somehow, I drag myself out of bed every morning and anyone that runs into me better run… My mom used to sing a song to me in the morning: “TIME TO GET UP, TIME TO GET UP, TIME TO GET UP IN THE MORNING”…. So fucking annoying! I always say, oh it will be cool when I become a mom because you LOVE your baby, so you WANT to wake up early with them, right?! I fear this may never come to fruition and I will be up at 5:00 am pissed no matter what… Nothing will change that. Also, I hate other people in the morning. Just HATE!!!!! So, agreed with your post :)

  • Amanda M. says:

    I’m not a morning person either. Thankfully my daughter is a “wake up at the crack of dawn” person. So I’ll stay up and have my “me” time at night and then wake up with her in the morning. And we are good as long as I don’t have to do much more than turn on cartoons, make cereal and sit on the couch for an hour or so.

  • Diann says:

    I HATE THE MORNINGS!!!!! I tell everyone at work not to talk to my till after 10am. The owner loves to come and give me shit since I hate the mornings and I yell at him and call him old balls and he will laugh and walk away saying his day will be good since he pissed me off:-)

  • BVD says:

    Mornings are DEFINITELY bullshit!!! I think there’s an evil conspiracy out there amongst morning people to torture the rest of us by scheduling so many things early in the morning. Nothing should begin before noon!! Lol!!

  • Caitlin says:

    I’m definitely not a morning person – my mom trained me that way. When I was little, she used to keep me up late so I’d sleep longer in the morning (I’m not entirely sure how she managed to manipulate my sleep schedule so thoroughly, but she did). Growing up it was simply understood that no one talked to anyone for the first hour after they woke up, and I’ve finally got my boyfriend trained on that, now. Unfortunately, I have a job that I have to show up at by 8:30. Throw in an hour+ commute and I have no choice but to be a morning person. I actually have to wake up even earlier so I can adjust to being awake and not snap at my colleagues. My boyfriend will occasionally put up with it – I’m not sure my boss would.

  • gaylin says:

    Ah yes, when I was younger my nickname in the morning was Granny Grunt . . . I was not coherent in the mornings and still find it difficult. I shared a bedroom with an early rising sister until I was 13. The relief to have my own room was immense. Now I don’t like it when she visits me – she will wake up at 6:30 and ‘be quiet’ in my apartment waiting for me to wake up. I can sleep until 11 on weekends easily, if she visits, that doesn’t happen and yep, me so cranky.

    Just 5 more minutes!

  • Kristine says:

    I could have written this post! I am not a morning person either, although in the last couple of years I am finding myself up and at ‘em by no later than 7am! WTF?! Of course having a little makes is a given that you gotta your butt out of bed!! ha ha
    My brother used to have to wake me up as well back in the day … I remember a few mornings when cold water was thrown on my face. NICE.

  • ColinP says:

    Oh dear g0d someone almost died for doing the exact same thing to me once. It was during college, I went upstate to visit my girlfriend for the weekend and there was a conflict because her roommate had her boyfriend up for the weekend at the same time. So they got the room Friday night and I got a back killing couch and my girlfriend got the semi-comfortable non back killingcouch. Needless to say I had had a full day of classes followed by a train to a bus commute from Long Island to New Paltz. When the morning rolled around and the roommate and her boyfriend emerged to forage I slunked into the room to catch at least a few minutes of sleep and my girlfriend hopped into the shower.

    Just as I nodded off to full REM land the roommate got back to the room. She jumped on the bed and started screaming that evil song whilst jumping up and down. I suddenly awoke and the act of murder to make it stop was my only desire. As I snapped upright with every intention to pull her heart from her ribcage my girlfriend just happened to walk back into the room and snatched the roommate from the brink of death.

    Needless to say we got the room for the rest of the weekend.

  • Flannery says:

    The only thing I hate more than mornings are morning people. Perky, energetic, shiny people.

    I just threw up in my mouth.

  • VEG says:

    I am DEFO not a morning person either. Though I would have to say that I am not a night owl either. I’d say 12-2pm is my best time.

  • I hate mornings. And I consider morning the first hour after I wake up. No matter what. My poor, perky family.

  • I hate mornings. And I consider morning the first hour after I wake up. No matter what. My poor, perky family.

  • Beth says:

    Hilarious! My husband is not a morning person and I get to wake him every day. NOW I understand where the trash mouth and finger pointing come from.

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    I swear you and I are long lost twins or some shit. You probably have witnessed it already, but I am one grumpy bitch in the morning. My mom used to come in and wake me up by singing and OMG does she SUCK at singing. She thought it was hilarious when I would throw shit at her and tell her to stop!singing! She would then sit on my bed, hugging me and rocking me while continuing to sing some awfulness about “I love you so and I always will” with some bizarre twang. I just…was traumatized every day.

    I expect I’ll be doing the same with Jack in a few years. He agrees that mornings are bullshit. Also, he already hates my singing.

  • My dad used to cheerfully tell my sister and I “up and at em” every morning as we headed to the shower. I used to brace myself for it like the sentence was gonna hit me upside the head.

  • KaraB says:

    UGH! I’m sooooo not a morning person, that’s why I chose to work until midnight. Even as a wee child, I’d be up late at night, either chilling in my room with a flashlight or sneaking down the hall to watch whatever mom was watching on TV. I get super pissed when someone wakes me up except for myself or my alarm. Everyone knows to stay clear until I’m ready for human interaction!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I fucking HATE mornings with a passion. The only reason I do morning is that my kids demand it. I hate mornings so badly that when I was in college I once decided to stay up all night instead of getting only a few hours of sleep and then having to get up early…it was the night before I took the GREs.

  • Carol says:

    Yes, mornings. I’m a morning person, my daughter isn’t, sometimes I lick her nose to wake her up, just to piss her off. Fun times.

  • Johi says:

    @Aimee- I know that song. It is pure evil if you are on the receiving end, but singing it to others fills me with inexplicable glee.

    I used to be gently awoken by my Dad standing at the bottom of the stairs yelling “Get up Goddammit! You’ve got work to do!”
    Special memories. I am not a morning person either. No interaction with others for a solid hour after my waking is beneficial to their health….

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    So not a morning person. My daughter takes after me. I usually send her brother up to wake her, because he can sometimes make her laugh and wake up. My roomie in college used to sing a song to the tune of réveillé (military trumpet wake-up song) that went, “I hate to get up, I hate to get up, I hate to get up in the mooooooorrrrrrrrning!” Then she’d alter the remaining lyrics to be something about what my hair was doing or something.

    Morning bad. Sleep good.

  • Tamara says:

    Mornings suck!!!

    my mom used to wake my sister and i up singing the Mister Rogers intro song….drove my sister nuts and once in awhile she still sings it just to bug my sister lol

  • Nyx says:

    mornings. There’s a special circle of hell for morning people.

  • Tracie
    Twitter: fromtracie
    says:

    When my mom was pregnant with me, she prayed that I would have brown hair, blue eyes, and sleep in late in the mornings.

    Her prayers are answered on all three points.

    And when my morning-person husband complains that I’m not a real person before 10am? I tell him my mom prayed me that way and he has to take his complaints to God.

  • If you can see the time of this post you will have the answer to your question. The only part of morning I like is the night time morning. 12am, 1am…

  • Sarah says:

    I am the only non-morning person in my house. My husband has come to respect “the cone of silence” and 2 coffee minimum I require to be some what normal. My kids on the other hand? Full on “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy” as soon as they have woken up the chickens.

  • Gretchen says:

    What’s worse than being a morning person? NOT being a morning person and having a boyfriend that IS! My “goodmorning” greetings this past week have been “RISE AND SHINE MY PUDDING POP,” complete with the blankets being flung off and a fan being blown on me; a finger up my nose with a “wakey-wakey sunshine”; a “It’s time to make the donuts!” while throwing a pillow onto my head; and the light being turned on and him shouting “The sun! The sun! It’s exploding!!” with shrieks of terror as if the world was ending. Clearly, he wants to die.

  • Fuck mornings.

    I am a night person. All I want in the morning is to be left alone. Anyone who does not abide this rule may or may not retain their head.

    Also, from the look of these posts? Morning people are fucking sadists. I don’t go jumping around on the beds of morning people at midnight screaming “IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT! GET UP GET UP AND COME ENJOY THE STARS!!!!!”

    I mean seriously. WTF.

  • Gretchen says:

    This is precisely why I don’t have children yet. Because they don’t sleep in until 10am, which, according to the general consensus (and me) is when God wants us to get up, no earlier.

    My mom used to bring ice packs to the bedroom in the morning and rub them all over me to get me out of bed. What a bitch.

  • Carrie says:

    I was apparently born with circadian rhythms the likes of which my mother was not prepared for. Since I was about 3, I have been pretty much unable to sleep more than 8.5 hours. My body simply wakes up and refuses to go back to sleep. And I am prefectly pleasant from the moment I spring out of bed as long as I get 8-9 hours. I don’t even use an alaarm clock and haven’t in years, yet manage to get into the office by 7:30 everyday. I admit that this characteristic is just flat-out wrong. The upside is that I almost never have problems falling or staying asleep. But then, I also live alone…

  • Neeroc says:

    Morning people should all be rounded up and shot. My freaking sister and I used to share bunk beds at our cottage and she would frigging wake up singing, pop out of bed, level with my head and sing-shout ‘Gooood morning’ then go skipping out the room farting butterflies. Hate mornings and I’m ‘blessed’ with a child who calls 6:30 sleeping in. ugh.

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