Now, you didn’t really think I had cured cancer, did you? If I had, my face would be plastered on pretty much every magazine cover, I’d have multiple bookings on Good Morning America and Larry King Live, and the world might award me a Nobel Prize. No, I haven’t quite cured cancer yet, but I’m pretty sure I will. In the words of my high school Guidance Counselor, Mr. Duffy, I just need to apply myself more.

Sure, I’ve applied myself to certain worthwhile pursuits, convinced of my own inherent genius without so much as a glance at the facts. Why, this one time I almost became an artist! A veritable child prodigy! Another time I nearly became a culinary genius, which, despite how they make it look on television is no easy pursuit. Sure, I’ve failed more times along the way than I can count; becoming a nurse instead of a doctor, having a child rather than a trained monkey butler, getting pregnant against all odds, facing the hurdles of autism and death, marrying a man in lieu of traveling the world while simultaneously curing both AIDS and poverty. And fatness. Don’t forget fatness.

But one of these days, I tell you, I’m going to finish curing cancer.

I just know it.

37 thoughts on “Curing Cancer (and other things I haven’t finished)

  1. When I was in high school, I was one of the nerdy smart kids. One of my best friends was too (naturally).

    His label? Most likely to find a cure for cancer.

    My label? Most likely to split an atom with his bare hands.

    Pretty much sums it up.

  2. One of these days you will totally cure cancer, Becker. And then you will build me a carriage house in your back yard and Badass and I will be your neighbors. Live in babysitters…think about it.

  3. I have faith that you will do succeed in your endvors. At leaset that’s what my fortune cookie says today.

    Can’t wait! I wonder if you’d make more money off the fatness cure or the cancer cure…

  4. You’ve already cured Chron’s, geez, go easy on yourself. You are only one person 🙂 Plus, if you cure cancer, I’m pretty sure you would be too busy to write a blog post everyday and that would really make me sad.

  5. When I was young I had all of these dreams of what I was going to do without a thought of changing them, then I grew up and realized sometimes those dreams change and while on the road you will stumble, but I think that I have learned something from every stumble. I am also sorry for the cheesy crap i just wrote above, but I had to take a pain pill so I am all deep and stuff.

  6. Curing fatness would be far more profitable, I think. But if you cure cancer and fatness, you will surely win several Nobel prizes.

    Best I’ll probably ever do is a Darwin award…

  7. I agree, fatness would probably make more money. Especially if it didn’t stay cured. Make sure you allow for relapse.
    That’s where the real money is.

    And can you be my monkey butler? He really needs one.

    pooh. everywhere.

  8. Hey, if anyone can it’ll be you. You’ll discover that the mixture of ketchup, peaches and chocolate cause it immediately.

    And I’ll be there cheering you on!

  9. aunt becky. i am sending you an email…. because I accidently threw away the envelope we recieved the book in so I cant send you REAL mail! 🙂

  10. Somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well be you. And why the hell not? You’re not going to be changing diapers forever. Swear to god, you’re not.

  11. Oh.


    Shit…this is awkward.

    Ummm…that cancer curing thing? I just did it. Like a few minutes ago. After Owen’s bath.

    No hard feelings right? I mean…there’s still near sightedness. Skin tags. Premature baldness. Impotence. All kinds of stuff you can work at…

    Oh fuck…just took care of near sightedness, too. While I was commenting…didn’t even MEAN to.

  12. Meh. I already cured HIV – in fourth grade. We found out that stomach acid killed the virus. THEREFORE we just need to inject stomach acid into our veins.
    I’m still waiting for my Nobel…

  13. I’ve been trying to cure cancer for years! I can’t believe you beat me to it!
    Ah well, I’ll move on to some other big disease or something 🙂

  14. See, my childhood dream was to grow up to be Smurfette. I still kind of hope it will happen–all the white dresses, talk of “smurfing” this and “smurfing” that, plus everyone is named after their personality, so their are no surprises.

    A cure for cancer would be great, though I don’t have that (knock on wood). Fatness, now, that’s a cure I could get behind… so to speak. But if you can find a way to let me turn into a cartoon character from the ’80s? That would be awesome.

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