(over at the Stir, this is how I will make my millions)

Now that I’ve lost the lion’s share of the baby weight – and yes, I WILL call it baby weight even though my daughter is two – I’ve taken to shopping again. For clothes, I mean. Clothing is more fun when you’re not staring at the tag, weeping about the number there.

(I learned to cut off the tags, but it didn’t help)

So there I was, at The Target, perusing the summer stuff, when I saw it. The Maxi-Dress.

Maxi Dress

Pranksters, I wanted so badly to love this dress. It looked like it would provide a nice crotch breeze while allowing me to continue my “pants are bullshit” campaign. And yet. I couldn’t.

My mother, a hippie in the 1980’s, lived in these things when I was a child – the very sort of thing I railed against. It was droopy and unpatterned, listless and tired, even fresh off the clothes line. As someone who favored twirly skirts, tiaras, and all the makeup one could slap on a face, I was horrified that my very own mother would wear such monstrosities.

Examining it closer, I realized that, like capri pants, the dress would look good on no one. Except, perhaps, models.

So I put it back, sadly denying my crotch an opportunity to vent in the breeze.

And then I saw this:

rompers

Motherfucking ROMPERS.

Have you seen these, Pranksters? ROMPERS. FOR ADULTS.

If I could manage to somehow get over the issue that these are ROMPERS for ADULTS, all I can see is the vagina wedgie you’d get while wearing this monstrosity. I mean, CAMEL TOE anyone?

Even worse, they’re ROMPERS for ADULTS.

I stopped wearing rompers at the same age that I stopped wearing diapers. Perhaps when I WEAR diapers again, I’ll go back to wanting to dress like an overgrown child. But somehow, I doubt it.

And don’t get me started on pajama jeans.

mom jeans

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

77 Responses to Crimes Against Fashion AND Humanity.

  • Linz says:

    I like maxi dresses, even though wearing a strapless bra on me is uh.. .a crime against gravity?

    Anyways, rompers are the devil.

  • Jessica says:

    Hilarious.

    Maxi dresses are my favorite in humid ass Louisiana. Buy ROMPERS?! I think 99% of designers smoke crack. Like seriously the runway outfits are terrible.

  • KJ Collard says:

    Totally guilty of maxi dress. Some days, crotch breeze is worth the frump.

  • KJ Collard says:

    Totally guilty of maxi dress. Some days, crotch breeze is worth the frump.

  • twinmummy says:

    Oh I still love maxy dresses, they do cover so much of my baby ( babies ) weight… My two are 10 months and I still look like 6 months pregnant… But I guess one has to be quite tall to pull it off ( I am 5’8 so I guess I am OK )And those romper suits are bullshit! Not even kids look good in those!

  • Caroline says:

    I *heart* that pretty dress, but I’m too damn short to wear something that length. I’d trip around like a drunk elephant with my brick-house legs, eventually falling on my face. Curse you short, stumppy legs!

  • Ms Dreamer says:

    I heart that dress as well…but we don’t like the girls out in the breeze. We have to wear a bra, and we’re allergic to the vinyl/rubber that sticks to the skin to wear a strapless. Fuck. I do love the maxi-dress, though…look like an overgrown whale in it, though. :)

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    If pants are bullshit (which they are) why would I want to wear a romper (pants that cover my boobs and give me crotch wedgie?)

  • Tershbango says:

    I’ve yet to see a romper on anyone but a Kardashiass. Let’s hope the trend stays there.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse will be wearing pajama jeans.

  • Rompers for adults ARE cool! Where can I get my pair?

  • Sarah says:

    I want to love the maxi dress too. It looks so cool and comfortable. But I can’t. I can’t love most fashion openly because I am over a size 12/14 and I’m short. The most things that come in 12+ are dirty teal or dirty plum and/or shapeless. Or I can’t afford it.
    The Romper looks ridiculous, even on the models. It needs to be killed.

  • Beccarella says:

    I put a romper on my daughter today. She said it made her vagina feel sad.

  • Beccarella says:

    I put a romper on my daughter today. She said it made her vagina feel sad.

    • HeatherS says:

      Effing hilarious. Grandma bought one for my daughter an couple of weeks back (almost 6) and she got very confused putting it on. Brought it over to me and I felt confused myself. Thought it was a dress at first. Then shorts. Then I said, oh no, it’s a skort. Wrong again. It looked sad in the vagina. Seriously.

  • I’m 5′ 3”, so maxi dresses just make me look like a child dressing up in her mother’s clothes. And the rompers?! They look cute on my 3-y-o. You know why? BECAUSE SHE’S 3!!! I relinquished my own “cutie pie” status about 25 years ago, and I do think there is no going back. And pajama jeans? Don’t get me started.

  • Layne says:

    I can beat the rompers AND Pajama Jeans – yesterday morning at Target I saw THREE women wearing swimsuit cover ups as dresses. No swimsuits underneath, just terry cloth cover ups so short I could have been their gyno. And this comment officially makes me an old lady.

  • MommyLisa says:

    I love a maxi dress – mine need sleeves and I got two at Target – but rompers look good on NO ONE over age two.

  • Cookbook says:

    Yes. I have railed against rompers since I first saw someone sporting one in public last year. They flatter NO ONE.

  • Angie H says:

    I applaud you for putting it back on the rack. I have made the mistake of purchasing 3 of the bastard maxi dresses to find that while I sure do think it would be great to look great in one I simply do freaking not. Plus, they are too long for my closet and my boobs are too long for the dress? :(

    As to those rompers… I would spend half my day digging the romper out of my crotch and half the day pulling the bitch up to keep my boobs from spilling out. Plus, when was the last time you thought, “I sure wish I had an outfit I had to take almost completely off to go to the bathroom”?

  • Layne says:

    Actually, my 15 year old daughter who is 5’9″ and weighs a buck got some and they are cute on her.

  • SharleneT.
    Twitter: SolarChief
    says:

    I don’t like the maxi dresses but I do like the maxi skirts. Rompers belong nowhere on no one at no time… But, that’s not a maxi dress, regardless of the advertisement, that’s a floor-length dress. The maxi’s stopped just above the ankle and were horrid, doing nothing for the wearer. Get a floor-length daytime dress and give your crotch a rest.

  • Liz says:

    Hmmm…maybe a loose on top maxi dress would enable me to finally wear dresses out again. Maybe. I need something I can get the girls out of easily, but isn’t so loose that DS can get them out himself. Must think on this.

    But a romper? O.M.G. I pee too often to bother with something like that. (My mom bought me a polka dotted one when I was pg to wear around the house. I told her I preferred to be naked.)

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Sadly, I am too short to pull off the maxi dress look with any panache. And, I firmly believe rompers for adults were created by a misogynistic fashion designer with enough clout to pretend they are stylish.

    Did I tell you my MIL pointed out the pajama jeans when we were out shopping and was all confused when I started laughing my ass off about them?

  • Betty M says:

    Rompers for anyone over 21 are grotesque. Plus over about 14 need to be exceedingly willowy and beautiful to get away with it.
    I hum and ha on maxi dresses. Even though I am 5th 9 and skinny I feel like a galumphing baboon when I wear one. Plus in a city they are super impractical.

  • Kristi says:

    It’s baby weight. My youngest is 3 1/2. I’m forty. That’s freakin’ baby weight and I will bludgeon anyone who says otherwise.

  • Anna says:

    I have actually been wanting to get a maxi dress since I figured I could wear it because I haven’t yet lost the baby weight (baby is 6 mo.). Not sure how it will look on, but I am 5’8″ so hoping I can pull it off. I’ve been putting off buying any clothes until I lose the weight and the wardrobe is getting pretty slim around here.
    Rompers? No thank you.

  • Anna says:

    I have actually been wanting to get a maxi dress since I figured I could wear it because I haven’t yet lost the baby weight (baby is 6 mo.). Not sure how it will look on, but I am 5’8″ so hoping I can pull it off. I’ve been putting off buying any clothes until I lose the weight and the wardrobe is getting pretty slim around here.
    Rompers? No thank you.

  • My tits are too big & fake for maxi dresses. They make me look pregnant. And the only people I see that look great in rompers are women that are built like 12yo boys – stick straight.

    Us women who have asses etc, well, I look like a 40yo trying to look like an 8yo in the 70’s.

    Ewwww…remember culottes? (Yes, I had to google the correct spelling)

    • Liz says:

      I wore culottes in the 70’s. And early 80’s. They are the devil. They were hand-me-downs from my 4 older sisters. Yes, 4 older sisters who couldn’t wear out the freaking clothing before I got stuck with them. And I think my oldest sister got them from my aunts. Seriously. Fashion forward we were not. I hate 70’s/80’s trends coming back. They were a crime then, they suck worse now.

  • Liz says:

    I still call it baby fat even though my baby is 6 and starting the 1st grade. The flappy parts are from having babies. The fat is because I
    eat while feeding my babies, thus it is baby fat. Pants are the devil. I want to like maxi dresses too, but because of the baby fat, I get asked when I’m due. Nervously, like my water’s about to break. I actually do smile and tell them that I’m just fat and thank them for the confidence booster.

  • Melisas says:

    I like the idea of maxi-dresses, but have yet to find one in my size (fluffy) that isn’t an ass ugly print that belongs on 70’s wallpaper. And rompers? They can just go fuck themselves. ITS A ONESIE FOR ADULTS, PEOPLE!

  • Wow, you have one where your vagina would thank you (maxi) and one where your vagina would curse you (romper).. I say it’s all bullshit..

  • Charlotte says:

    Maxi dresses look fine.
    -On pregnant women.

  • Tracie
    Twitter: fromtracie
    says:

    I’m still calling it baby weight and Katarina is going to be 8 next month.

    I do not understand the rompers. Who is wearing them? They are clearly insane.

    Maxi dresses call out to me, but it never ends well.

  • Spikiecat says:

    I have two maxi dresses, one with sleeves and one without. Though they look good on me, my vagina and legs feel suffocated. I like the above-the-knee dresses to get the full effect of any lil’ breeze coming my way (I live in the south).

    As for baby fat, yeah, it didn’t all come off with my last child. She will be 22 in 3 months…

  • Johi says:

    I will continue to rock the ever so stylish yoga pants.
    Rompers? Seriously? Do they come with crotch snaps so one can pee without letting the girls out for some unwanted air?

  • Suzi says:

    OMG – My mom totally wears rompers for adults! It drives me crazy!

  • As I am a fifty-something person, I can use the fashion rule #7, “if you wore this look back in the day, you need/should not wear it again”. The maxi dresses are great if you want to fall up or down stairs. While the romper on a hot day working up your thighs to be a wadded bunch in your crotch….priceless!

  • KaraB says:

    Droopy and tired are my middle names, sign me up for a maxi dress! I hated rompers as a kid and I still do, no change there.

  • Momma Chaos says:

    Heck, I claim baby fat for my youngest two (5 & 3) and I didn’t even give birth to them.. lol. Stress from them caused the weight, so it’s baby fat. Simple as that.

    Rompers are bullshit.

  • Robin says:

    I love me some maxi dresses. They totally make my boobs look great and they hide my fat.

    And yes. I’m childless and fat. My excuse? I got on the treadmill less times than I picked up a chicken wing. I’m owning that shit. HARD.

  • Heather says:

    I did finally buy my first maxi dress after they’ve had them on the market for about two years now. Now rompers, they are only meant for cute little things in their 20s, like Blake Lively. The rest of us adult women should just say no.

  • Maxi dresses are too hot and too impractical for my taste. And rompers? I think they look pretty ridiculous on anyone older than your daughter.

  • brahm (alfred lives here)
    Twitter: alfredliveshere
    says:

    Love love the dress, the looks like designed for anorexic 14 year olds.

    Mom jeans are wrong. Rompers are more than wrong… pls dont let them come back! EVER!

  • Tracy says:

    If you won’t put your baby in it because it’s too much hassle to get on and off for a diaper change, why would you want to wear it as an adult? However…SOMEONE buys them or they wouldn’t be hanging in friggin’ Target. I love the long dresses even if they look funny on me.

  • Elspeth says:

    You are clearly a woman after my own heart.

    No grown woman (not even my one friend who INSISTS on wearing the fucking awful things at every possible opportunity) should be wearing a onsie.

    Apart from maybe the ones designed for wearing to bed.. but then.. midnight pees might be hard. I don’t know. They’re still ugly.

  • Jenn3128 says:

    Camel toe? Hell, the girls I’ve seen rocking the rompers have all had moose knuckles.

  • I want pajama jeans.

  • I…I…I wear rompers.

    And I am totally accepting of your judgment.

    Because if there’s anything 437 childhood viewings of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas taught me, it’s fashion.

    And I’m okay with that.

    (p.s. Apparently this comment was posted too quickly. Clearly I rushed in my excitement to reference Dolly Parton. I apologize for the error.)

  • Kelly says:

    My phone autocorrects, Maxi to Nazi. I’m not even kidding.

    Talk about making for an awkward conversation when I was telling my oldest daughter that I was going to have her little sister wear her “Nazi Dress” for pictures.

  • Halala Mama says:

    I took my son to the splash pad park today to waste a few hours and another mom there was not only wearing a romper…it was a strapless, halter type thing…and it was denim. It was not, not a good look…

  • Marta
    Twitter: marta28
    says:

    This sounds shockingly like my twitter feed this past weekend when I was shopping. I have no idea what the hell rompers are. What kind of self respecting woman wears these? There is no reason to have your shirt and pants be attached to one another unless your catwoman.

    Also, I’m telling you maxi dresses look like they would look horrible on you, but shockingly you put one on and they actually look good and are amazingly comfortable. I got two at Old Navy even though I swore I never would wear one!

  • Rebecca says:

    The last time I was at the store, strapless rompers were everywhere. Noooo. Really, someone has to be buying these…?

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    Dear Aunt becky,
    You (inadventently, i’m certain, as i’m sure you wouldn’t do this to me on prupose) brought back ghastly memories for me. I was a 2 lb., 2oz. preemie who is still struggling to catch up to where I should be in size. My parents were not dirt-poor when I was young, but they were still paying off a few of my dad’s medical school loans, so when others offered my mom hand-me-down clothing, she gladly accepted it. I had some clothing that was purchased especially for me, and I only wore hand-me-downs that were in decent condition, but I did wear clothing that had been worn by the children of friends and relatives. When I was four years old, I was still wearing eighteen- and twenty-four-month sizes, which meant that some of the hand-me downs were (please pause while I run to the bathroom to be ill from the memory)ROMPERS. ROMPERS were easy for diapering though a bit of a pain when using the bathroom independently, but I was expected to be smart enough to figure it out.

    If anyone ever gave me as a gift now a ROMPER, I’d throw it back in his or her face. I know that would be rude, but not as rude as giving someone a ROMPER as a gift. What self-respecting adult or older teen would inflict such humiliation on herself?
    Alexis

  • 1. Maxi-dresses are liars because they make you think that you will look thin and flowy and thin, when in reality you will look like you are wearing a muu-muu — even if you are thin, which I am not.

    2. Rompers? Oh, the humanity!

    3. It’s absolutely baby weight. Is for me too: it’s been there since I had the baby who is fourteen — but it’s been there since she was born, so obviously.

  • Betsi* says:

    The ROMPERS are not only causing angst in the misses section of Target they have quietly and with great subterfuge, slipped into your local maternity store.
    I am currently quite pregnant and found myself in a M’hood Maternity (yo) desperately seeking crotch freedom in the lightness of sundresses when my mother passed me another “sundress” to try. It turned out to be a romper. I laughed so hard that by the time I pulled back the curtain to display my guh

  • Betsi* says:

    The ROMPERS are not only causing angst in the misses section of Target they have quietly and with great subterfuge, slipped into your local maternity store.
    I am currently quite pregnant and found myself in a M’hood Maternity (yo) desperately seeking crotch freedom in the lightness of sundresses when my mother passed me another “sundress” to try. It turned out to be a romper. I laughed so hard that by the time I pulled back the curtain to display my guh

  • Betsi* says:

    (oops)
    Guh-loray there were two store clerks, a pregnant lady and a purse toting bored husband waiting to see what was so funny.
    The pregnant lady crossed her legs and nearly fell over with laughter and I don’t think the bored husband will ever recover.

  • Betsi* says:

    (oops)
    Guh-loray there were two store clerks, a pregnant lady and a purse toting bored husband waiting to see what was so funny.
    The pregnant lady crossed her legs and nearly fell over with laughter and I don’t think the bored husband will ever recover.

  • The Sweetest says:

    I have purchased and returned so many maxis and rompers it’s ridiculous. For some reason, because they re out there, I feel that I am supposed to wear them. I have been almost-convinced that they will give me effortless style when they only make me look stoopid.

  • I do have a pair of rompers. I wear them around the house as bathing suit cover, or as something to cover up on when I need to do hair and makeup on a hot day. However, I don’t think they have ever seen the sun.

    As for the maxi dresses, that would swallow me up! If it was just below the knees, it would be awesome.

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    I still keep trying on maxi dresses and hoping that someday one of them won’t look like crap on me. It confuses me that they look so bad since some of them are the same cuts as sundresses I have, just longer… and yet…

    And rompers were a crime against humanity even when we were kids. We are not that anymore.

    And the new blog layout’s swank!

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