I am not a crafty person.

See also this:

Yes, yes I made that. And I wasn’t trying to suck AT ALL.

I know, understatement of the year, right? (why I just joined Pintrest is beyond me – prolly so I can feel bad about myself MORE often)

That’s why it’s beyond me why I decided to do a themed birthday party. Frankly, I could’ve just thrown a few bottles of vodka and a couple of shitty take-out pizza boxes out and called it a day and everyone would’ve been all, “sweet ass.” But no. I had to renovate my fucking house.

Then I had the brilliant idea to do a CandyLand themed birthday party. Seems simple right? A couple of bags of fucking candy WITH some pizza and beer.

Not so much. Because I turned to Google and was all, SHOW ME YER CANDY THEMED PARTIES. And then I cried. Because they were so awesome and I couldn’t recreate that kind of awesome without the aid of the Lollipop Kids. And it turns out, the Lollipop Kids are like dead now.

And the more I thought about it (and the more I realized I hated the cartoons from the game), the more I realized that I’d be stuck as Gloppy, so CandyLand was PROBABLY a bad fucking idea. I mean, who wants to be covered in Gloop half a day?

So I decided that a generic Sweet Shoppe themed party (oh yes, I went there with the “e” on Shop) would a) be adorable and 2) be easy.


Lollipop trees? I figured I’d be able to quickly throw some balls on a stick and poke suckers into them. Turns out? You need a fuckton of lollipops. I’m pretty sure the guy at Party City thinks I’m now a hoarder – of lollipops. I keep coming in to buy more. Turns out that lollipop topiaries take about a hundred zillion lollipops.

And the garland I’ve decided to make out of Froot Loops and twine? The sugar dust that is now coating my house is slowly turning me into a diabetic.

Great. Now I’m a diabetic hoarder.

Tell me that doesn’t look like unicorn poo.

I sure hope my kid appreciates her party. Thanks to my new Type 2 Diabeetus diagnosis (self-diagnosed!), my foot might fall off for her and I’ll never be able to find it in the gobs of lollipops now living in my house. See also: hoarder.

At least I have what appears to be unicorn poo living on my table. Things can always be worse. Even if my foot falls off.

80 thoughts on “Crafting Is Bullshit – Or How I Want To Become Paula Deen

  1. I love the idea of being crafty (ooh PLUSH NYAN CATS!) but the reality is always such an EPIC FAIL. Post photos of the party tho, your idea is awesomeness.

  2. When you said “lolipop tree” to me last night…I had no clue it was this awesome. Because that lolipop tree is AWESOME! I need one for my house.

    This party is shaping up to be mom of the year kind of huge.

  3. um…did you see my mod podge fail a/k/a clipboard makeover post?
    i gave up on “themed” b-day parties a long time ago, mostly cuz i have boys and boys’ themes are stupid (fuckin power rangers). The little one’s b-day is end of may, his party is always what i call “classic birthday”–balloons in every primary color, streamers, confetti, and a big ass chocolate cake with 7-minute frosting. older kid’s is end of october, so he gets a “halloweenie roast” in our backyard and (if i’m feeling up to it) a graveyard cake.

  4. It’s always a win-win when you can get the kids cranked up on sugar and then send them home for their parents to deal with!

    And the foot falling off? Sell it on ebay to pay for the prosthetic. You could even decorate it with glitter for the awesome effect.

  5. So THAT is what the Fruit Loops were about. Now I can stop wondering if I need to be stringing them for something reason like Save the Tucans.

    Anyway, the lollipop tree is adorable and you did a great job! Your post gave me a great idea too. Vodka pops! Lollipops infused with vodka or rum or whatever you like. What do you think?

  6. There is actually a “recipe” for Unicorn Poop on Pinterest. Of course I can’t find it anymore dammit. It’s more turd-like, but quite colorful. Stick with the fruit loops.

  7. “Then I had the brilliant idea to do a CandyLand themed birthday party. Seems simple right? A couple of bags of fucking candy WITH some pizza and beer.”

    Wait a lollipop suckin minute here…..what happened to the VODKA?!?! You clearly said VODKA then switched to beer. I can’t go to parties of the Candyland or Sweet Shoppe varieties if there isn’t some VODKA within arms reach. Don’t do this dude…..think about the children. And the thirsty alcoholic adults.

  8. That is pretty hardcore right there :p

    My mum used to do stuff like hang lollipops and other sweets from actual trees…so you’d have to find them/climb them to get at the sweets. (I think it was probably more small trees and bushes in retrospect, rather than giant conifers or anything.)

    But – candy trees! Probably didn’t take many lollipops to do, and it got us outside 🙂


    “I sure hope my kid appreciates her party. ”

    You’ll feel like all your hard work is rewarded when the kids FREAK over that much candy on display ^^

  9. Lollipops are way better than cigarettes any day! Love the tree and the necklace. The necklace made me think of those Smartee type ones we used to buy when I was a kid. Always have your treat right at hand when you are wearing it!

      1. My dad bought some of those candy cigarettes at some novelty store. I don’t know how cool they looked, but damn, they were tasty. If I had a choice between filet mignon and candy cigarettes, I’d choose the candy cigarettes any day of the week.

  10. I just assume that there will be vodka soaked gummi bears. Because, obviously. Right? Please don’t break my heartz.

  11. I loves the Unicorn Poo (course, Fruity Pebbles is the best. cereal. ever.). And I would be anal enough to separate the lollies into either color coded sections…or single flavour sections…like all the greens and browns would be on the bottom, and all the blues on top, and then I’d do a rainbow one; and then I’d see how many of them I could pull off the stick without breaking the lolly; and then maybe play a game of marbles with the stickless lollies.

    Well, hell. I obviously don’t need a CandyLand themed party. The cupcakes for lunch dessert was enough to send me off the deep end.

  12. When I got down to the lolli topiary I’m pretty sure I lapsed into a diabetic coma. I woke up two hours later with a lime lifesaver stuck to my forehead and twelve snickers wrappers in my pocket.

  13. OMG … I’ve got to learn to NEVER read your posts while enjoying the sweet nectar of Diet Coke. It burns. It burns, Aunt Becky, as it flows through my sinuses. It burns bad. Thanks for a much-needed burst of happy in my day!

  14. Holy Shit, when you said Lolipop topiaries I could just pictured it in mah head….and then I scrolled down! That Loli Tree is nothing short of TOTAL.WIN. !!!
    I would be hella excitted to have one of those (made of only blow pops please) at my next birfday party (cough* April 27*cough) it doesnt matter than Ima be 34, do it?

  15. I think you’re pretty fucking crafty, AB. Those lollipop trees and Fruit Loop garlands look badass. I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY!

  16. Oh wow, that topiary is just tempting me with it’s sugary deliciousness. Also i fail at crafting as well. Like seriously can’t walk into craft stores without getting a panic attack it’s bad. So super kudos to you for doing something hard and that you might not like for your darling daughter. I’m sure she will love it. Especially in ten years when she looks at the pictures. 😀

  17. When I was little I would have committed mayhem just to attend a Sweet Shoppe party, much less to have one help in my honor. This is a bettr idea than you think it is.

  18. You are Queen Frostine! The lollipop topiary is the cutest thing ever! And I agree about the vodka soaked gummi bears- I had them at my pigroast last year and they are total awesomeness! Although mine ended up more like gummy loaf- they melted all together afte a couple days of soaking. But we cut them and ate them up yum anyway and they were fantastic if not pretty!

  19. You know, I’ve (of course) looked at those candy tables at people’s weddings, birthdays, showers, baptisms, graduations, hairyeyeball events, and I think, WTF. Seriously, like WTFWTF.

    Because really? These parties, these perfect settings have a fucktonne of candy in shiny vases and shit without any fingerprints from the mom who put them their after making some craft with gummybears, I mean how the fuck doesn’t she get fingerprints on everything.

    And then. Don’t start me on the bunting, m’kay?

    Just send those lollys home with everyone, after you wrap them in unicorn poop garlands and you will not lose a foot, nor will you have the world’s biggest sugar crashed kids. Oh, right, who am I kidding. No matter what, you SO WILL.

    Happy Birthday Mimi!

  20. This is why I don’t have children. Little turds would make me realize how stupid I am, and how super uncrafty I am. I would glue gun my way into depression.
    Mummy, why is the sky blue?
    Oh god, shut up.
    Mummy, make me a Halloween costume.
    Oh god, whyyyyyyyy!

  21. Laughing my hinny off…not even out of my jammies and thought i would stop by…started my day with a hoot!!! Unicorn poo…..hilarious….I might never eat another fruit loop!

  22. Would it be creepy to line my walls with fruit loops? ‘Cause I think that looks like the coolest unicorn poop ever. Also? That question is completely hypothetical, as I am far too lazy to ever actually make that garland.

  23. She will love it! When she’s turning 30 she will be telling everyone about her awesomest party every on her 3rd birthday, and her AWESOME mom made lollipop trees and strung froot-loop garland, and the whole thing was kid-heaven!

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