Having been on a diet more or less since Ben was about two (and I had to lose those pesky baby pounds, erm, TWO YEARS after he was born) has it’s perks. You get very accustomed to having to deny yourself those tasty and delicious morsels of goodness known as non-diet food. And if you’re me, you eventually just don’t care anymore about eating junk food and it becomes your way of life to eat more chicken and tofu than God.
The Daver, however, has never had to indulge in any sort of diet. He’s pin-thin and can tuck away a couple of Quarter Pounders (with Cheese!) with nary an ill effect (whereas I get fatter just typing these words).
My poor sweet, junk food loving husband has got to go on a diet. A new, special low-cholesterol diet.
I’d been waiting for this day, you see, because as I dieted those pounds off, marveling at every (pathetic) loss like it was a shiny new $100 bill, he merrily ate his way through a bag of chips or thirteen. My chicken suddenly looked less appealing than his fatty cheeseburger and fries, and I’ll admit freely that I was a mite bit jealous. Who wouldn’t be?
I plotted and waited until the metabolism that he was given ran out and suddenly HE would pack on the pounds and look for new (and tasteless!) tofu recipes right along side his doting wife. I planned on rubbing it in at every possible turn (silently or likely not), relishing each and every low fat meal he ate as payback for his formerly glorious metabolism.
Until earlier this week, when he got that dreaded phone call from his doctors office, wherein he was instructed that his LDL (lousy density lipoprotiens) levels were insanely high. Suddenly, I wasn’t laughing anymore, and I was struck with an emotion that I almost never feel: pity.
I feel genuinely badly that he has to now embark on a sad new diet, and extremely sorry for myself that I will inevitably have to follow it as well (collective EW! from the Internets, please).
Anyone have any good advice for us? The Internet is smarter than I’ll ever be (sexier too!) and I could use a hand here.