Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Guilty Squid is back with a letter I just wrote to my 16 year old self.


I didn’t spend as much time on Twitter today. I was all busy with the work and stuff and then the Internet was down. From our office. And an entire office of technology people stopped and wandered around aimlessly for they knew not what to do. I looked at an actual paper catalog, people. It was bizarre. When I got back on Twitter – from home, you understand, I saw that there was a Twitter topic that was all about Tweeting to your 16 year old self. It inspired this letter. Now, I never write this kind of stuff on my own site. I never get too far from the ridiculous on mine. And Becky wanted me to just do funny, but this was stuck in my head and it had to come out and I sort of hoped that maybe it would be okay too. Because the beauty of Becky’s site is that sometimes, you don’t have to be funny. I hope that this is okay with y’all. I’ve got one more that I can come back and do that is full of the funny, but I had to get this out first. Hugs ~Guilty Squid

Dear 16 year old me,

I’m pretty sure you’re going to have a hard time believing it’s me. For one thing? It’s going to seem really stupid that if I had the ability to send a letter back in time, I wouldn’t actually go back in time my whole self, but science is very confusing for us and we don’t actually understand all of the technology involved, just that it worked. If you’re still in doubt then I’ll tell you that I know on the weekend of your 16th birthday, you cried bitterly and you said something selfish and stupid to Daddy that we can’t forget and even though you didn’t mean it? You wish you could take it back. Also? I know exactly where you got that Def Leppard T-Shirt, and it wasn’t from a concert. Yeah, that’s right. You believe me now, don’t you?

Listen, if I had my way, we’d never need to have this letter. You’ve spent a lot of time wondering how your life would be different “if” and you’ll spend a lot more time wondering. Hell, we probably won’t ever stop wondering. But the truth is you’re going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like it, and there’s going to be lots of days where it doesn’t seem like it, but you will be okay. One day? Someone will understand and you’ll spend many happy moments on the road to “okay”. Hang in there.

School sucks for us and it doesn’t ever really get better. Teachers are going to say a lot of crappy things to you because they don’t understand you. Please stop listening to those awful things they say. They are wrong. They are so, so wrong. Forget about trying to make them happy and do more things that you enjoy.

Not that every teacher is going to suck. Take time to thank Mrs. Simmonds. She’s going to love the things you write and she’s going to spend so much time helping you build your confidence. And your vocabulary. What she will give you will shape who you become later in life, and trust me – she didn’t have to spend all that extra time encouraging you. She’s the first person who looks past the fear you have and sees the amazing person inside. She’s helping the awesome that is inside you. She’s making sure you’ll be ready to shine. Thank her.

Stop trying to fit in. In a few years, everyone will be fighting to stand out from the crowd. You’re already ahead of the game. Fitting in usually ends badly, anyway. All the times that you say no to things even though saying yes would make you fit in, will be something that you’ll be proud of your entire life. Remember, you’re going to be okay.

Hug Daddy more often. Hug him harder and listen to him more. Enjoy being with him. He’s the first man who loved you unconditionally. Do better showing him how much you love him too. The next time you hug him, do me a favor, would you? Take a minute to just breathe in the smell of Dad’s cologne and relax in the safety of his hugs. Then remind us to never, ever forget that moment.

Skip the typing class with the big clunky typewriters and the business class with the actual ledgers. Just trust me. It’s a total waste. I know you’ll want to take the class that most kids take, but go on and take that computer programming class instead. Just trust me on this one.

I know you told that guy Johnny “no” right before school started. And you did the right thing. He wasn’t the one, and it wasn’t right. (Uh, seriously, he ended up on something called Baywatch and no one ever heard his name again. Plus? That acne is not going to clear up on him for years. Which also means you probably just realized we’re still somewhat superficial.) My point is, you were right to say no to Johnny and you really should say no to Brad. You’re going to fall for him. And for a couple of years you’ll make him your world. But it will end, you’ll get your heart broken, and you’ll end up doing a lot of stupid things for a lot of stupid years because you won’t understand that it’s okay to just walk away when you have that first nagging feeling of it not being right. Which reminds me: Start listening to that feeling. Trust yourself. Stop pushing that feeling and that reaction down and moving forward in spite of it. Move in a different direction because of it.

This high school thing is not the best time of your life. It’s not even close. You’ve got a great deal ahead of you and you won’t even believe how you turn out. You have friends. You have great kids. You write all the time. It’s fantastic over here and you’ll be glad you made it to this place. You laugh. You go months without nightmares. You never really get over the whole birthday thing, but those friends I mentioned? They understand it. And they love you anyway.

You’re going to be okay.

We’re going to be okay.

I am okay.

Hang in there.



P.S. Let’s just try to love ourselves a little more, okay?

P.P.S. Oh, and that dress that your Aunt talks you into getting? That blue number with the lace collar? Just, no. No, no, no.

P.P.P.S. Hammer-Time is *not* going to last forever, so don’t get any of those pants, George Michaels is gay, and save your money and buy all the stock you can in something called Google as soon as you can.

P.P.P.P.S. I KNOW! The George Michaels thing seems so obvious after you look back at the old Wham! videos, right?

Hey There Pranksters! I’m taking over while Aunt Becky is full of the knock out drugs.


What do you call a PS that comes before the whole post? A Pre-PS? Pre-PS – The following probably won’t make much sense, so you can totally just skip ahead to the pictures. If you’ve never read me, then it definitely won’t make sense, but if you’re familiar with me, then you know it’s just been another Wednesday.

I don’t know if y’all know me, but I’m Guilty Squid. I’m a self proclaimed Internet Superstar, Unofficial Spokesperson for Urban Spoon and the 2010 Internet Coroner. That last one was by popular vote. So people like me, dammit!

Best of all? I have real friends. On the Internet. And one of those is your Aunt Becky.

Aunt Becky was brave enough to let me at this place while she’s out of commission, because she worries about you people worrying. So I was all, “Dude, updates? I can post updates!” I mean, I’m totally baffled why y’all would even want updates on my day, but you know what? I was all, “Shut UP me. If Becky needs updates, then dammit, that’s totally what I’m going to give her people!”

Also, I’m ADHD and I write like I think so it’s not so much with the carefully thought out stuff, it’s all fast forward and sporadic and covered in crazy. In other words? Awesome.

Yesterday at lunch I gave my boss a disembodied head to drink his coffee from and I have to be honest, I’m totally getting a promotion probably just from that one gesture. Honestly, I’m not sure why I don’t have more friends with my smooth moods. The update here is that while in a meeting this morning, the boss texted me:

If giving your boss a disembodied head is wrong, then who wants to be right?

And then sometime hours after I wrote all that, I finally got away from work and stuff and things and was all, Dammit. This is why I don’t have friends. Because the updates? They didn’t come.

There were a lot of things that happened though. First, two of the geeks in the office wanted me to go to lunch with them, but I was totally planning to do some shopping at lunch so I sent the guys off to have lunch with each other. And then they were all, “You should have come to lunch with us.” which was nice and all, but then it was, “No, you really should have come with us.” and then I was all, “Wait. WHAT?” And then it was, “You help break the ice.” and that’s when it totally hit me. I’m the most social of this particular group. That’s never happened. Which just was probably not as full of the win as I feel like it is, but I’m totally pretending that it is.

But, the overall greatness is that I can totally give you the notes of the updates in a rundown form for Becky and even though this probably seems like it’s getting posted really late, I’m pretty sure it’s just the time difference. If you’re in Japan, then I’m posting this yesterday which would mean that Becky hadn’t even HAD her surgery yet so I’m the best friend ever. How lucky is she anyway? Pretty damn lucky, it would seem.

Anyway, the next thing I knew it was all late and I still hadn’t hit post, so y’all are just getting my notes.

So, yeah. I guess this was a fail. But good news, everyone! I get to come back and post AGAIN this week.

I’ll try to do better then, but to be honest? I’m sort of easily distracted, so that could end up as anything.

And Becky? I got you a little something.

Note to Dave: This is how you get out of trouble. Some bling with her name on it. You can have that advice for free. You're welcome.

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