So, I have a question for all of you, my sweet and faithful readers, because I love you THAAAT much (imagine me stretching out my arms very, very widely).
Part of the reason for my new iMac, is because I had previously messed up my lappy, an iBook G4 from 2005. And I loved that lappy ALMOST as much as I love The Internet. BUT, the screen on it is broken and I am too lazy to fix it (actually, The Daver bought me a new screen for the wrong size iBook).
It’s an expensive fix for a lappy that cost a little over a grand three years ago, and I no longer trust myself WITH a lappy (delicate is not my middle name), but if one was inclined, you could hook a monitor up to it OR fix it (The Daver tells me).
Anyone actually want the thing? I’d eBay it, but I’m a) lazy as hell (previously well documented) and b) I’d be afraid that someone would buy it and sue me or something b/c the screen is broken. I am very, very afraid of selling stuff on eBay.
The laptop has been sitting under my couch for ages, and I would really like someone to use it (if they want). If you want it, drop me a comment. BUT DON’T SUE ME BECAUSE THE SCREEN IS BROKEN OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Or help me figure out WHAT to do with it, please!?!
See how much I love you all? I’m sure I could get AT LEAST $30 from eBay 
And hell, if no one else wants it, maybe I’ll put it up on FreeCycle.
Anyone, anyone? Going once, going twice…
I may have mentioned that I have a slight obsession with cake in the past, which is especially strange since I don’t really want to eat it, but just LOOK at it for many years to come (I have issues. Clearly). I specifically hunted down a local bakery that deals only with making cakes so that I knew I was getting the top of the (cool) line.
And I was not disappointed. In fact, I saw the cake and immediately wondered how I could preserve it so it could live with me forever and ever and ever. (Again with the issues). But I put on my big girl boots and eventually cut into it (maybe I shed a tear or three hundred when I did so. I’ll never tell).
See?
(note the Diet Coke can. Classy AND addicted)
(That CAN’T be a hookah! How could she incorporate DRUGS into her son’s birthday party?!?)
(Fuck YEAH, that’s a hookah!)
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Maybe you can see why my angel babies were attracted to my house for the party. They smelled the sugar.
Before I get into the meat of this post, I need to stop and thank everyone who has started doing kind things for one and other. The Daver has been strong-armed into doing it himself and leaving a comment (but I think he’s disqualified from winning anything but a swift kick in the ass from yours truly) OR posting on his own blog about it. You can do the same thing, comment OR write a blog post (and please link to this in your comment).
It’s easy, see!
So I’m encouraging each and every one of you to DO SOMETHING KIND in honor of all my nieces and nephews waiting to kick me in the shins in Heaven. Shit, if you ALL do something nice maybe I will send EACH of you a little something (somewhere, Dave is now wrestling my Amex from my wallet, but he doesn’t know that I HID IT! HAHAHA!). You have until March 31st to do it, and I *know* that some of you reading right now are coming to Alex’s party where I will annoy you to death about it.
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By nature, I am a lazy person. Not quite as lazy as some (i.e. Cash, who is fine and dandy, so don’t worry) but absolutely lazier than others. Nowhere else does this ring more true than in the kitchen.
I hate cooking almost as much as I hate colonoscopies (which you can imagine, is very, very much), and I avoid it at all costs. Every couple of months, The Daver and I discuss how we really need to start cooking more at home, and then we order a pizza. So it goes.
But, with the knowledge that Something has to be done to lower Dave’s insanely high cholesterol levels, I have begun (begrudgingly) to cook at home. In my very own kitchen.
As a child, my favorite thing that my mother would cook was ordering Chinese food, and it still rings true today. I’d much rather pay someone else to cook for me than cook for myself (even if it could save a few bucks here and there), partially because I gain no enjoyment whatsoever about cooking and partially because I can’t seem to bring myself to actually EAT anything I cook. Especially if it involves meat. Sicks me right the fuck out.
This may be a Very Good Thing, since my thyroid is still not 100% wonderful (I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM, PEOPLE!) and I’m still struggling to lose 17 pounds of Alex weight. It won’t hurt me to skip a meal or 300.
Honestly, my biggest hurdle when it comes to cooking, is the members of my family. The Daver, who claims that he is “not picky” is awfully picky, but not nearly as picky as my Ben (who still suffers from many Spectrum-y phobias about food), and this is just plain old discouraging when I have one of them on my right gagging down his dinner, and one on my left sadly pushing green beans around his plate (EVEN THOUGH I PUT A BIT OF BUTTER ON THEM. BUTTER!). I’ll let you decide who does what.
Alex is the least picky and most apt to enjoy meals, but despite claiming that he was teething for the past, oh I don’t know, 9! months!, has yet to cut a single tooth. I suppose what I thought was “teething” was just him being an asshole. So it goes.
I’ll probably never derive my ego from cooking, and I’ll probably always do it begrudgingly, but the point is, that I will do it.
So what do YOU consider staples in your kitchen? What are some easy meals that I can cook? Oh, let me give you a list of things that cannot be used (maybe then you will have some sympathy. Or not):
*Pork
*Beans
*Red Meat (not often, at least)
*Anything “spicy” (this is a Ben thing, not my own. I fucking love spicy shit)
*Anything too mushy (eggs, etc)
*Anything too crunchy (Alex has no teeth)
*Anything that vegetables cannot be removed easily from (like, no onions in tacos, etc)
I could go on and on here, but it’s too depressing even for me.
Any suggestions?
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