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California: The Highest Human Pedigree Except For Me. Obviously.


What? What’s…this shit, Aunt Becky? I can hear you screaming from miles away. My delusions of grandeur are mighty, I know, but I’ve BROKEN THE CODE and posted a NON-Go-Ask-Aunt-Becky post today. I’m sorry. I’m tired and I’m a bad person and you should probably disown me now.

Except that I’m that annoying aunt you simply can’t shake. Kinda like the clap, but more annoying and pestilent. But yeah, I’m in California for Binky Spohr’s baby shower RIGHT NOW AS I SPEAK (I informed Heather that this means that I get to shower WITH her because OBVIOUSLY she’s easy) and if I tried to answer questions they’d be all, “Purple should be a flavor, dammit!!”

So I offer you this post instead and my deepest, most patheticist apologies.

Also, I stole a Sky Mall magazine to laugh at it and felt shifty and ruthless until Dave pointed out that I was SUPPOSED to steal them. Apparently, I do not get out much.


Every winter, ’bout this time, when the cold days have dragged on and on to the point where a 100 degree day (Celsius even!) sounds more tolerable than bundling up the kids AGAIN and having the boogies in my nose freeze for the forty-millionth time that day, and when getting the mail at the end of my driveway seems like a drastic undertaking, I start to have this fantasy in which we move to more temperate climates.

And because, in my fantasy-land, I am also slightly practical and don’t have visions of moving to a completely foreign country and having to learn a new language (you mean people don’t speak American EVERYWHERE?), I envision us moving to one of the coasts.

For a good 290 days of the year, I like where I live, honestly I do (and probably in part as a defense mechanism, as moving out of state would be brutal as far as custody arrangements go for The Big One), and besides a small jaunt away from here several years ago, I have lived in the same town most of my life. It’s a sweet river town, and it’s great BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS.

But, for as teeny as my family is, I do happen to have some that live out of state in California, where I have been any number of times. And I genuinely love it out there, it’s interesting, it’s clean, people are nice, and if it weren’t for such amazingly high property prices, we might live out there for reals.

Well, the cost of living AND the fact that I am not positive that I am good-looking enough.

California is weird like that, and I’ll never forget being there as a teenager to attend my cousin’s wedding. A busboy (a BUSBOY!) in the joint where we were dining nearly caused me to choke on my steak, so uncanny was his resemblance to Brad Pitt (the 12 Monkeys/Seven version, whom I had many a naughty fantasy about).

A couple of years later, I was back again, and I noticed that even the bums on The Haight were sexy. BUMS were SEXY! Even the one who flashed me his penis was good looking (and well hung)!

It was like entering an alternate universe.

As I got older and every time I went back to Cali, I noticed more and more unlikely and attractive people. Airport baggage claim guys were hot! The chick at the rental car place looked as though she’d stepped off the runway to make my car rental experience a complete nightmare. I kept expecting the dude who took my toll money to start selling me shampoo, so magnificent was his shiny mane of hair, so full of body and style.

Just based on experience (and without real knowledge), I would even venture to guess that the people who worked at the DMV were extras on a movie set in their spare time (away from being nasty to people who were stupid enough to get into the wrong line– EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T LABELED).

I don’t know about your state, but typically the DMV workers are thought to be the bitchy Missing Link anthropologists are always harping on about (I wonder if their studies would take them to the DMV, because it should), but I would venture a guess that in California, they, too, are beautiful, attractive, and of the highest genetic pedigree.

Even if I were rich enough to buy a shack in California, I’m fairly certain we’d be turned away at the border for being undesirably unattractive.

For now, I will take comfort living here in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago, knowing that while we may be ugly and dumpy, at least we’re landlocked, so no hurricane will make it to our doorstep.



posted under I Suck At Life
51 Comments to

“California: The Highest Human Pedigree Except For Me. Obviously.”

  1. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:59 am Al_Pal Says:

    Oh, please, you’re both totally cute.

    We do have a lot of hotties here, though. & in LA there are a lot of people in wide and varied jobs trying to make it as an actor on the side.

  2. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:33 am Linda Says:

    Unless you are a total liberal willing to give away everthing you have so the state can keep on existing, I suggest you move to a different place than California…say Belize, where they at least speak English. They may get a hurricane or two, but at least they aren’t under the threat of a major earthquake separating them from the mainland.
    P.S. Jello sucks.

  3. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:34 am Fran Says:

    Brad-Pitt-12-monkeys-style *drool*
    I was born in San Diego and lived there until I was 12. Then we moved to Houston. I have lived through winters in Germany, Georgia and East Texas where we live now. California winters ruined me for the cold weather, I am a total wimp. 60 degrees is cold to me. I think snow is pretty but we only get it for minutes at a time years apart so it has never really been a hassle for me. I know I would never survive a winter further north that the Oklahoma border!

  4. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:48 am Beth Says:

    In an effort to escape the frigid tundra of flippin south Georgia (in America… not the Russian one), I would seriously consider living in a box in California. I might not be attractive enough – but do they really pay that much attention the bums? Yes? Would it work if I flashed them? My boobage is still somewhat perky.

  5. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:58 am Liz in Virginia Says:

    Not too many earthquakes in the midwest, either. Me, I’d like to live in Arizona. Love the desert, love the idea of being about to get to the mountains easily, love the slower pace of life. Or I could live in London for the rest of my life, because have mercy with the accents, and the hip and dry humor, and the good manners (I typed “good manors” which is also true), and the history — and obviously it’s a lot like Arizona.

  6. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:13 am Hilly Says:

    Living in Southern California was a total self-confidence mind fuck for me. Beautiful people everywhere made me feel bad about myself and hey, I’m no sock puppet.

    Northern California is where it’s at…believe me. I was born and raised up there by that lovely bay area and it’s the best place in the world. Um, to me.

  7. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:23 am Ms. Moon Says:

    When I was in California I noticed the same thing. Everyone is freaking gorgeous. Well, in the LA area. It’s a mythological land for sure.

  8. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:25 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    DH believes California is way too liberal for his views of gun control, which I think involve starting proper gun handling & use classes in preschool and presenting every child with their own 22 rifle on their 8th birthday.

    Thus we are left living in either Virginia or Texas.

  9. On January 10th, 2010 at 9:11 am Patty Punker Says:

    i always wanted to move to cali and thought this about the californians too. then it occurred to me: it’s the weather making them so beautiful. who doesn’t feel better about their hair, skin, weight, and energy level when it’s warm and sunny? i say we move there and give it time.

  10. On January 10th, 2010 at 9:17 am Bj in Dallas Says:

    I could do California for a while, especially right now while is it 19 degrees this morning-

    And I felt the same way when I moved to Dallas from Tulsa, like DAMN, my hair NOR my car is shiny enough-
    then I found my ‘group’ and that feeling went away

    Sounds like you are up north ?) The haight comment, and man I love SF, could SO live there if I won the lottery

  11. On January 10th, 2010 at 9:20 am Kadye Says:

    Memphis was voted #2 for a kind of “Best Bang for your Buck 2010” thing. Move here… that is if you don’t mind all the drugs (I know you don’t), murders (I know what you did last summer), and rednecks (I know that must be the deal breaker). And while we’re not on a coast, we’ve got the Mississippi River. Which means absolutely squat.

    I’ve only ever been to CA once, and that was for a band trip to San Fran my freshman year of high school. I loved it! And now due to insufficient funds and my obsession with Disney and NYC, I’ll probably not be back for a while.

    Sadly, I guess that means I get to live vicariously through you. DON’T DISAPPOINT ME!!

  12. On January 10th, 2010 at 9:25 am Elly Lou Says:

    …and that is why I live on the opposite coast and not so secretly covet the SoCal weather. Then again, I could only score a visitor’s pass to NYC and I’ve been relegated to the great state of Jersey with Snookie.

  13. On January 10th, 2010 at 10:08 am Scatteredmom Says:

    What? You got to go to Heather’s baby shower? I’m soooo jealous! How awesome is THAT?!

    I could easily live in California. We’ve been there lots-although I’m not one for the big city so southern doesn’t interest me, but I did like the Redding area and eastern Cali, like around Angels camp and Jackson. Nice. πŸ™‚ We considered moving there before Hubs was offered a job where we are now. If the economy wasn’t so bad, international moves, and health care so expensive, we’d be there in a heartbeat.

  14. On January 10th, 2010 at 11:03 am Lea Says:

    My Other Half is a keener at work, and got himself a trip to San Diego in April that I get to tag along for. I’m super excited, but now I’m paranoid that we’ll land and my pasty white Canadian arse will get booted back up here. Thanks Aunt Becky!

  15. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:05 pm robin Says:

    My best friend in Chicago won’t let me come visit her during the winter. She insists on only summertime. She also insists she come visit me in LA during the winter. Works well for everyone involved.

  16. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:06 pm robin Says:

    BTW, you guys are totally adorable and would fit in well!

  17. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:17 pm Lisa Says:

    I don’t know about you, but over here in Texas people are no longer aging. With boob jobs, botox, teeth bleaching, (I would say hair bleaching, but duh, that was invented after fire)and juvederm my entire community is NOT AGING. The last PTA meeting I went to made me feel like a total HAG.

    Aunt Becky, get ready… The midwest is no longer safe. Soon it will be inject, fill, bleach, repeat- EVERYWHERE!

  18. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:31 pm JennK Says:

    Cold weather or not, you will probably never find me in California. Unless you drag me there with the promise of being so cocktailed up that I won’t care that I am as pasty as a jelly fish and that I’ve been eating red meat before I had all my teeth.

  19. On January 10th, 2010 at 12:55 pm Alyssa Says:

    Almost everyone in Cal, wants to be an actor/actress or something famous…Too vein for me BUT you could hang there you are cute enough don’t put yourself down!

  20. On January 10th, 2010 at 1:21 pm Mikey Says:

    I just moved from “The Haight” in SF. Having grown up in California my whole life, and I guess that makes me spoiled about the hot people. I did notice that when I went to school in Arizona (UofA) that the people there were even hotter.

    I think there is a direct relationship between how hot the weather is to how hot the people are. From this conclusion I’ve started organizing a fact finding mission to Death Valley to see just how hot the locals are.

  21. On January 10th, 2010 at 1:37 pm dg at diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    I’ve never been to LA so I have never seen the fembots and chiseled jawlines of the folks in the service industry. I say you’re good enough. You’re smart enough and doggonit, people like you.

  22. On January 10th, 2010 at 1:52 pm Lauren Says:

    Were you singled out at the airport again?

  23. On January 10th, 2010 at 2:02 pm amie Says:

    That is because everyone in Cali, well at least Los Angeles, wants to be an “actor” and I put actor in parenthesis cause they all mostly just want to be famous–like 15 minutes of fame get-me-on-a-reality show-famous. And the very few that don’t want to be actors, want to be screenwriters.

  24. On January 10th, 2010 at 2:03 pm existentialwaitress Says:

    We get a lot of California types here in Vegas (lived in LA for 3 years myself) – infuse California types with a little stripper and voila, Vegas! (I’m sort of kidding a little bit. I myself am most certainly NOT a stripper type so there must be some normal people here, right? Don’t answer that).

  25. On January 10th, 2010 at 2:30 pm moonduster (Becky) Says:

    LOL! You just made me snort my drink out of my nose! (Decidedly un-Californian-like.)

    I was born and raised in California. I live in England now with my English husband, but I will always miss California. I can’t afford to move back though. The housing prices are outrageous!

  26. On January 10th, 2010 at 2:56 pm Melanie Says:

    Have fun! Remember, in California you can get away with eating 500 calories a day and they don’t view it as being anorexic. They think it’s HEALTHY. I know, I used to be one of them…

  27. On January 10th, 2010 at 2:57 pm phd in yogurtry Says:

    Those earthquakes are what worry me. And the cosmetic surgery. I mean, how do Californians afford both the real estate AND the surgery? Are they all pimping themselves, or what?

  28. On January 10th, 2010 at 3:21 pm Rebecca Says:

    You are so pretty Aunt Becky so you shut up! And The Daver is a cutie pie. He could play Brad Pitt’s younger (smarter) brother. The Daver looks like a smartie.

    Take photos of California cause I want to live vicariously through you.

    Also, I went to Miami when I was about 21 and let me tell you, there were so many ‘just walked off the runway’ hot women and men there (and gay guys) that I felt like a short fat troll (I was only about 95 pounds at the time and am 5 foot tall). But still, in the land of Miami Beach, I felt severely obese.

    Have a good trip!

  29. On January 10th, 2010 at 5:22 pm Brianna Says:

    Dude, I’ve been to LA AND Vegas AND Miami, and let me tell you, hotties ABOUND. Not that there aren’t normal people, but it seems like everywhere you look, there’s some actor/actress/stripper/Chippendale/beach bunny walking by, making us average folk feel like dumpy losers. It’s saddening. Really, it is.

    And I wouldn’t live in CA if you PAID me to sit on my ass and eat bon bons day in and out. I’m too attached to my guns.

  30. On January 10th, 2010 at 5:48 pm linlah Says:

    You’re wlecome in Cali anytime, you pretty up the place just fine.

  31. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:30 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Oh, I could live in Northern CA (San Francisco to be exact) in a heartbeat. In fact, that’s one of our goals: to someday live in SF for at least a year. I LOVE it there soooo much!

    And YOU are adorable!

  32. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:38 pm mumma boo Says:

    Hubby would love to live in San Diego. I, on the other hand, prefer to live in a place where recycled poo water is NOT used for drinking. Silly, right?

  33. On January 10th, 2010 at 7:52 pm Nancy C Says:

    My experience with California is that it takes lots and lots of time, effort, and grooming. Since I have to remind myself to take a shower, this is not the place for me.

  34. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:08 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    a) You two are adorable. Seriously.
    b) It’s 42C where I am right now. That’s about eleventy billion in farenheit. And I’m pretty sure you northern hemisphere bastards stole our ozone layer! On the upside, I’ve never had to worry about my snot freezing inside my nose (and that line made me giggle and scream at the same time).

  35. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:46 pm a Says:

    So not a fan of California. But I’ve only been there twice – maybe the third time would be the charm. My husband is trying to get me to apply for a job in San Diego…

    Is that really the Daver in that picture? He looks like he’s about 12!

  36. On January 11th, 2010 at 11:00 pm The Daver Says:

    Yeah, that’s me. I’m 16 now. Got mah driver’s license and everything. πŸ™‚

  37. On January 10th, 2010 at 8:54 pm Fizzle Says:

    I grew up in “The Region” (That’s Northwest Indiana, for you non-Chicago people)… and I never really went far. I moved a few hours away for college and now med school, but I still have to go back de temps en temps to visit the parents. I have a firm hatred for cold, as well as extreme heat, so this blistering winter is making me crabby. But recently, I have been kicking back on my couch, watching BUCKETS of lake effect snow absolutely crap all over northwest Indiana. It is then that I giggle with glee, and thank goodness that (though I’m freezing my ass off) it’s not AS bad here.

  38. On January 10th, 2010 at 10:13 pm Melissa Says:

    Dude – You are totally beautiful, and you and the Daver look like teenagers. That may be because I am 41 though. My baby brother who is 28 looks like a teenager to me too. I however am deluded to think that I look like I am in my late 20’s. As are most of my friends who laugh at kids in their late 20’s who think they look old.

    Weirdly enough though. Those emo teenagers look like they are in their 40’s.

  39. On January 10th, 2010 at 10:16 pm The Only Girl Says:

    Awww – how cute are you guys!

  40. On January 10th, 2010 at 11:01 pm Jenn Says:

    Purple IS a flavor, in my opinion. “They” SAY that it’s grape but I’ve tasted grapes (all different kinds!) and it tastes nothing like purple. So yeah, purple is a flavor and it’s THE BEST ONE. (I take this shit seriously.)

    Also. You guys are super adorable and you know it.

    Have lots of fun (some for me too) while you’re there! xoxo

  41. On January 10th, 2010 at 11:21 pm Nyx Says:

    I’ll have to e-mail my favorite anthropology professor and suggest that she go to the DMV to check out the peeps.

    Huh. Maybe I should write a book about DMV culture… πŸ˜‰

  42. On January 10th, 2010 at 11:22 pm Nyx Says:

    also…totally thrilled by the anthropology reference. most people are always like ‘huh? what’s that? the study of ants?’ whenever I mention my chosen major. le sigh.

  43. On January 10th, 2010 at 11:44 pm Mrslala Says:

    Happy to hear you’re enjoying our pretty little state.

    Weather has been a bit freaky (freaking HOT?!) lately though.

    Enjoy your vacation. =)

  44. On January 11th, 2010 at 12:03 am Kristin Says:

    What an awesome reason to go to California!

    I love that in one post you’ve managed to make vague sex references, made education related jokes, and are so self-deprecating about the gorgeousness and awesomeness that is Aunt Becky.

  45. On January 11th, 2010 at 8:40 am ColinP Says:

    Well at least you are bring culture to the Californians.

  46. On January 11th, 2010 at 10:35 am mysteryj Says:

    Cute picture, but obviously he is holding your drink (is it a cosmo? )When I hold someone else’s drink, I make sure that I am not touching top part of the glass, especially if I have not had a chance to wash my hands first. You look like you are having a really good time. Next time I am invited to a wedding, will you be my date? My husband would rather hang out at Home Depot, anyway.
    Come to Florida, It’s been about 5 years since our last hurricane. You can either take the kiddies to Disney or you and the Daver can investigate Key West (a more adult Disney World). Maybe the Key West trip could be tax-deductible.

  47. On January 11th, 2010 at 10:40 am amber Says:

    Around here we have a saying – there’s cute, and then there’s Midwestern cute. It’s a whole different set of standards… if you have all your teeth, wash regularly and have gotten a haircut sometime in this century, you may qualify.

    Because in Indiana? Holy crap are there a lot of ugly people. It’s a state populated by the People of Walmart.

  48. On January 11th, 2010 at 10:57 am Shin Ae Says:

    Hahaha! My husband is from CA and his whole family is still out there. Sometimes we think about moving there, but have always decided not to do that, not due to attractiveness level (I’m way too clueless to have noticed how hot everyone is…I only notice extreme and rampant ugliness. Don’t ask me how I know.), but due to OPTIMISM level. We went to an Independence Day fireworks display by a lake and there were women in white dresses spontaneously dancing around. We are just not that kind of people. I knew then and there that not only would we not fit in very well what with our surliness and all, but that we might be contrary enough to bring the whole state down. We stay in the northeast as a public service.

  49. On January 11th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Dude, you totally just need to move to Oregon. Oregon is way awesomer than California. We have lots of attractive people here, but they let others in too. πŸ˜‰ Californians have summer houses here. :p

    Besides, the state would be JUST THAT MORE AWESOMER with the Aunt Becky in it. Although, it might combust…having Mimi and Baby Soup in the same state….

  50. On January 11th, 2010 at 3:11 pm Vinomom Says:

    i’ve lived on both coasts. I could never ever ever deal with the midwest weather though. The winters are just too extreme. Seattle winters are typically very mild, Maryland winters are cold but short. I don’t know what I would do w/ myself in the Windy City.

    I can’t get over how young The Daver looks. Does he still look that young? You both look adorable in that picture.

  51. On January 16th, 2010 at 1:53 pm Carlynn Says:

    Your man is adorable, just want to eat him up. How do you get out of bed in the morning?

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