Even I figured that I was slightly mad for trying to squeeze in major surgery five weeks before I was going to rip the shit out of the strip in Vegas, but EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER is the way Your Aunt Becky rolls* and really, it’s no more insane than the normal stunts I manage pull off. And I always manage it one way or another. Why? Because I’m Aunt Motherfucking Becky.

But I underestimated precisely how laid-up I’d be by this surgery, which, frankly, is a good thing, because otherwise, I probably never would have gone through with it and although I may be in a lot of pain, so far, it’s been totally worth it. I’ve cut my dose of Topamax in half. I’ve had less headaches; less spasms. AMAZABALLS.

That all said, I’m still leaving for Vegas on Friday (by my lonesome) which means that I have to navigate the airport by myself.

The airport itself is no big deal. I’ve flown in and out of O’Hare a kajillion times. The problem is, well, me.

We’ve established that I’m a lightening rod of bad luck for security searches and weird, random stuff happening. Last January, the plane I was on nearly crashed. In May, my luggage was pilfered and stuff was stolen out of it. It’s better that I travel alone, lest I bring down the fury of The Airplane Gods, but still, it’s not terribly easy to walk to the bathroom, let alone try and travel a couple of hours with twenty pounds of crap.

Which means that I’m going to have to voluntarily bring myself out into the open at the airport, rather than the person who tries to behave like a nice ficus, blending into the background.

I’m going to have to be That Person.

I’ve thought about it thirty different ways, and there’s simply no other way. I’m going to have to ask for Airport Help. I’m going to be The Passenger With Special Needs. I may need a skycap.

Now, you might be saying, Aunt Becky, that’s okay. Who cares?

Well, if you’re the person who has been so thoroughly desensitized to the TSA’s searches that the NEW searches make you say, “Um, wait, that’s NOT what normal people have to go through?” then you know that calling more attention to yourself is like standing in the middle of a rainstorm on a golf course with a lightening rod. I’ll be the asswipe who needs to be screened in private because I cannot stand in a security line for an hour; the contents of my bags under total scrutiny. Can you say, “body cavity search?”

(I can)

So maybe I’ll just play into it. I’ll wear my white patent leather hooker boots and an extremely short skirt.

Maybe I can find a strap-on somewhere, just for shits and giggles.

I mean, if this is going to be a disaster, it might as well be a disaster of epic proportions.

*Never, EVER to be confused with Rick Rolled.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

43 Responses to By “Interesting,” I Mean “A Disaster”

  • I think you definitely need dildos in your carry on. Ones that play music if possible. And maybe some furry handcuffs & a paddle.

    You have the potential to make some TSA agent’s life incredible interesting for a few minutes. You can give them a story they will still be sharing over Xmas dinner.

    “and then we found what looked like a replica of a shaved hamster!”

  • karen says:

    Heya Aunt Becky …

    thought you might want to read this before you subject yourself to the rigidity of flying as “disabled” … this is a friend I’ve had since brownies (girl scouts, a group I only grudgingly admit I belonged because I MISFIT it so bad … but I met Glenda, a woman classified as “non-verbal” – snicker – there so … all good)

    http://www.doitmyselfblog.com/2010/felt-up-and-tied-down-the-thrills-of-flying-the-friendly-skies-with-a-mobility-impairment/

  • Just be careful. From what I’ve heard those TSA people are really robots without a sense of humor.

  • Oh my Motherfucking Aunt Becky…you are one brave soul. Perhaps you’re a demi-god of Poseidon and Zuess is trying to mess with the airways? ( A little Percy Jackson and the Lightening Theif for ya).

    I mean, well. It’s obvious you’re a demi-god. I’m just throwing Poseidon out there.

  • Chris in PHX says:

    There is a great store on North Halstead called Cupid’s Treasure. I guarantee you will find something amusing :)
    *sigh* I miss Chicago

  • KC (The Resident Bitch) says:

    Dude, I’m telling you … wear a trench coat and a string bikini. First of all … HOT. Secondly, it’ll be amusing. But definitely make sure there’s awkward stuff in your bag. Maybe nothing but dildos, condoms, and sparkly outfits? Then you can impersonate Julia Roberts and do the famous laugh and TSA will be all like, “Oh she’s just a classy hooker.”

    Good luck with traveling to Vegas. I definitely wish I were there and not stuck making overpriced cakes for underappreciative customers *grumble grumble*

  • Neeroc says:

    ‘never, EVER to be confused with Rick Rolled’. Ah, but isn’t that how they get ya? ‘whoa, lookit the crazy shit Aunt Becky’s doing now! ‘. BAM rickroll (typing on an iPhone sucks monkey balls – just in case you were wondering)

  • Neeroc says:

    ‘never, EVER to be confused with Rick Rolled’. Ah, but isn’t that how they get ya? ‘whoa, lookit the crazy shit Aunt Becky’s doing now! ‘. BAM rickroll (typing on an iPhone sucks monkey balls – just in case you were wondering)

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  • Melissa says:

    So at LAX there was a lady with a disability who wore skimpy ass lingerie to make it easier for tsa. I’m talking lacy thong and bra holding foo foo dog. They wouldn’t let her on her flight. Look it up, cannot make this shiz up.

  • tash says:

    and by “A Disaster” you mean “Really fucking HIlarious,” right? Please video this and post when you get through? Because now I’m just aching to know what happens . . . (possibly aching in that way, time will tell).

  • Elly Lou says:

    If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so all the sordid thing necessary to get you to Vegas also stay in Vegas?

  • Jana A says:

    But hey, at the other end of that disaster is ME! I’ll wheel you around the casinos like you’re a rock-star Grandma!

  • Sam says:

    If you were my neighbor, I’d have The Man escort you. He’s military, and when he’s in uniform, he gets all special treatment. They’re all “front of the line sir!” and then people buy him alcohol on the plane. It’s pretty bad ass. Last time he got home from a trip, we went straight to grab dinner, and the server brought us a gift card for our meal that another diner had bought for us. I’m all “SWEET! Can you wear that EVERY day?!” But since we’re hours away….well….god speed, Aunt Becky. I’m wishing you the best! (Maybe you’ll get a ride on the little golf cart.)

  • Heather says:

    I’m totally voting for the strap on idea. LOL…

  • Mari says:

    lol. hopefully you will have a great trip in vegas! your brave to be out n about so soon after.. good luck party hard. can’t wait til we see pics posted.

  • Cannot WAIT for the story of THIS trip. Good luck and take care of yourself!!!

    HM

  • Rebecca says:

    Wear those big dorky glasses with a spy camera in them. I wanna watch the interesting disaster.

  • I’ve never been on a plane. And? I’ve never been to a concert. It’s like I was raised Amish, but really? I’m just poor.

    I recommend going to the airport in a full on Cat Woman costume. Then purr when they ask for a strip search and talk like Eartha Kit.

  • MommyLisa says:

    I bet if you have a skycap you get LESS attention.

  • Gen says:

    Vegas, Baby, VEGAAAAAAAAAAS! I wish I were going to Vegas. But I don’t wish that I was going to have to get strip searched by TSA. So, we’re even. But really, you win. Figures.

  • beta dad says:

    Yeah, you’ve gotta wear the strap-on. And ride through the airport in a cart.

    My poor sister had both her hips replaced at age 40, and is just full of hardware. But she’s kind of like you–has just grown to expect that everything will be at least a little weirder and more extreme for her than it is for everyone else.

  • Alitalyn says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky I feel for you. But if you’re going to mess with TSA, go big, girl! Just not so big that you get arrested or barred from the flight. Like you, I don’t travel/fly well either. On my last blog post I wrote about my trip to NYC where I spilled my drink in my lap on the plane, peeing on the airport bathroom floor and my husband not letting me practice opening the emergency door. I think that people like us are better off on the ground. Best of luck to you!

  • Kelly says:

    You’ll get to fly around going a million miles an hour on a golf cart through O’Hare, with the guy beep beeping his horn at everyone! Fun! People will give you dirty looks, but still fun!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Please, please promise to have a video camera rolling. The pure comedy potential MUST be exploited.

  • Katya says:

    Get yourself the special assistant… if nothing else you can pretend in your head that you’re a REALLY high priced hooker with an assistant who you pay to carry your bags around and to mediate with the sadistic fucks who work for TSA for you. “No, I’m sorry Mr. TSA agent, Aunt Becky is too famous and important to subject to an anal probe…”

    And totally put the 24 carat gold dildo into your carryon. Nothing better than gold to cheer you up in the airport bathroom. LOL J/k… I don’t think the mile-high club counts if you’re *ahem* flying solo…

  • pattypunker says:

    you have to fight fire with fire. blog and tweet pics of the tsa people looking at pics of your bedazzled strap-on.

  • Nancy P says:

    Is it bad that I can’t wait to see your post about what happens?

  • AUNT BECKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! OMG, I’m just catching up with the last 6 posts I missed. I could comment every single one of them, but seriously, that would be lame, so instead I’m saying I LOVE YOU, have fun on your trip, and if you get an itch to go somewhere other than Vegas, Boise is about one additional hour away should you choose to just keep on flying. Granted, Boise is no Vegas, but I’m here and I’ve been known to drink heavily and take off my clothes which is almost totally the same thing.

  • A Vapid Blonde says:

    I’m going to get an afro wig and stuff it in my pants and see what happens when I get *screened*. I let you know how it goes if you tell me how they like your strap-on.

  • katrina says:

    You be careful Aunt Becky! You know TSA stands for ‘totally sadistic asswipe’….tho maybe some are nice. Have fun…Vegas doesn’t have a chance!

  • a says:

    Maybe the disability ploy will have the opposite effect of your normal appearance. But just in case, I think you should get one of those clear plastic raincoats and wear that and nothing else.

  • Sarah P says:

    Make a tinfoil beanie and refuse to remove it for the scanners because “they’ll” find out where you are! What could go wrong?

  • After my hysterectomy, I had to ask total strangers to lift my 4 year old into the cart when I went shopping. Often, the store employees will help out. It’s awesomesauce!

  • Robblogger says:

    EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER

    You’ve been nominated for an entirely questionable, but legitimate award, The Blogger of the Month Award. For details see, http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-of-month-award.html for more details, and you can encourage your viewers to vote.

  • Peter says:

    Good luck, kid. Wave at me as you go past northeast Texas.

  • I hear skycaps keep masks in their little glove boxes.

  • Cris Clarke says:

    Its all in your perspective. IF you get the special TSA massage consider it lucky. In another setting you would be paying $60 for that! Think of it as a spa treatment.

  • SharleneT says:

    One of the reasons you’re not quite as ‘spring-ey’ as you used to be is that you’re not as spring-y as you used to be — and, soon you’re going to be totally fall! heh heh heh… I can remember those days… a thousand years ago… Frankly, I’m a little nervous for you taking this trip by yourself. So much weird stuff can happen. But, use any available help you can get… Don’t want you having an operation redeux… And, ENJOY!

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