2,869: Twitter Followers that follow me.
2,800: Twitter Followers that make wonder why SHIT they want to follow me. As proof, I give you an actual tweet that I tweeted last night: “I’m writing about all of the things I would do if I had a penis.” I am not classy.
5: Days I have currently been too sick to even moan about the house moping to angle for awesome presents and/or compliments.
100: Degrees of fever, which is apparently not high enough to warrant Tamiflu.
INFINITY: the amount of pain and suffering that my fever feels knowing that it is NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.
34: times my fever has wondered if it can go to the People’s Court to sue for pain and suffering for knowing it’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
0.4: seconds it takes for my daughter to move from my arms to stuffing her chipmunk cheeks like a squirrel with dog food across the house.
INFINITY TIMES TWO: how gleeful she is about playing in the dog water before I swoop her up because she knows she’s not supposed to be splashing in there.
12,000: decibels that Dave manages to chew potato chips, burrowing into my aching head like a sea of mini jackhammers with each.and.every.single.crunch.
87: times I wondered if I could sue pigs or whatever for the swine flu.
87: times I wondered if that could be a People’s Court episode.
42: times I thought that the pig appearing as the defendant had to be wearing loads of gold medallions
14: times I’ve thought about writing and rapping a hardcore gangsta rap album this week under the name The Notorious B.E.X.
Want to be my back up singers?