2,869: Twitter Followers that follow me.

2,800: Twitter Followers that make wonder why SHIT they want to follow me. As proof, I give you an actual tweet that I tweeted last night: “I’m writing about all of the things I would do if I had a penis.” I am not classy.

5: Days I have currently been too sick to even moan about the house moping to angle for awesome presents and/or compliments.

100: Degrees of fever, which is apparently not high enough to warrant Tamiflu.

INFINITY: the amount of pain and suffering that my fever feels knowing that it is NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.

34: times my fever has wondered if it can go to the People’s Court to sue for pain and suffering for knowing it’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

0.4: seconds it takes for my daughter to move from my arms to stuffing her chipmunk cheeks like a squirrel with dog food across the house.

INFINITY TIMES TWO: how gleeful she is about playing in the dog water before I swoop her up because she knows she’s not supposed to be splashing in there.

12,000: decibels that Dave manages to chew potato chips, burrowing into my aching head like a sea of mini jackhammers with each.and.every.single.crunch.

87: times I wondered if I could sue pigs or whatever for the swine flu.

87: times I wondered if that could be a People’s Court episode.

42: times I thought that the pig appearing as the defendant had to be wearing loads of gold medallions

14: times I’ve thought about writing and rapping a hardcore gangsta rap album this week under the name The Notorious B.E.X.

Want to be my back up singers?

178 thoughts on “Bring Out Your Pink Patent Leather Swine!

  1. I bet my husband chews louder than yours. I wonder if we could take them on Judge Judy and sue them for making us FUCKING INSANE with the LOUD CHEWING AND THE CHEWING WITH THE LOUDNESS?

    Seriously. Why the hell do men chew so loud?

    1. They are pigs – that’s why! Hey, wait a minute. They are “PIGS”! Maybe swine flu is not from the kinda pigs that roll in shit. It’s the other pigs – “men” – they are the route cause of swine flu. I freaking knew it.

  2. classy tweets are boring. so, please, don’t get classy on us. I’ll be a back-up singer, but only if I can wear pink patent leather.

    feel better.

  3. That tweet fascinated me. Can’t say the same of the one where you had Owner of a Lonely Heart stuck in your head, because that shit has been running around my brain since you tweeted it. But seriously, stay awesome on Twitter. You and ShitMyDadSays are my only daily reads.

    1. Now you have inspired me not to change my doggie, er, Twitter styles.

      And that stupid song is like the worst song EVER. I’m really sorry about that because no one deserves that in their head.

  4. If you have swine flu aka H1N1… Tamiflu isn’t going to help you anyways. It’s just not effective against that beast.But, please feel better soon. Keep your sense of humor going cuz I love your blog & your tweets!

  5. I like your ‘numbers’?? blogs. Whatever you call it when you do the blogs like this.

    743 times I’ve wanted to move to a warmer climate during the month of October.

    321446992212 Times I’ve imagined myself kicking myself in the butt for NOT accepting the job I was offered to teach in Pensacola BEACH, Florida…..

    8939 times I’ve complained that it’s too cold to do anything since “fall” hit.

    ……..I could go on and on in Aunt Becky style but I shouldn’t cause you’re the best at this game.

  6. I honestly can’t believe that you have the swine flu and you are STILL POSTING. Are you a machine?

    And I would be your backup singer, but then we would have to be the Notorious B.E.X.es and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

  7. Lover I would never be a back up singer. No one puts baby in a corner. I will however get your infected ass on TPC. You probably won’t win but you could be on TV! You may get a whole new bug called “Reality TV Whoredom.” You’ll find yourself wrapping your beautiful babe in bubble wrap and attaching a string to her and trying to fly her in the backyard.

  8. 20 times in the last two minutes I’ve prayed that something. ANYTHING. fried will appear before my fat face.

    I love your number posts. And I’m pretty sure dog food has protien in it. So it’s all good.

    1. I have plenty of fried things you can have, like the chips I can wrestle out of Daver’s mealy paws. Food is kinda gross right now.

      I love it. Dog food DOES have protein in it! Good call, yo!

  9. I totally want to be a back up singer. Since your post while in the midst of swine flu is the inspirations, I think it should be the Notorious B.E.X. and her sows.

  10. Oh my God…a pig pimp with gold necklaces & rings on every finger! Ya know, because the swine flu has made you it’s bitch, ha! Hope you feel better soon!

  11. I’d love to sing back up for the Notorious B.E.X. and as long as I don’t have to do more than say stuff like ‘uh huh”, “That right” and “mmm-hmm” I doubt the audience would mind either.

  12. {{sounds of the vinyl scratching on the turntable and that weird beat box noise that those guys make }}


  13. You ARE the “Notorious B.E.X”! and your first conjested rap album should be titled:
    “Bring me my vodka beeotch”
    “The Vodka Chronicles”
    “Don’t rock no crotch with the swine flu puffs”

    Yeah, apparently I need more coffee or xanax. I can’t decide.
    Love reading your blog. It makes me laugh, smile and snort.

    1. You have to run in and demand a paternity test. It doesn’t matter that we’re both female. Then you have to be my angry witness. After that, we tear our shirts off in anger when it’s revealed that I am not the father.

  14. I think your fever is getting an inferiority complex. I hope that means it will go and hide in a corner and leave you alone.

    1. My fever totally feels inferior since the nurse at the doctor’s office was all ‘IT’S NOT HIGH ENOUGH’ in this haughty voice and then I cried because I NEVER run fevers and I felt like I was a special snowflake for once in my life.

      Turns out, I’m not.

  15. Bex, you are a machine. Normal people go to bed when they have the ‘flu, you know. I will be your backup singer. I couldn’t carry a tune if it had a handle but I have a lot of spunk and I like to shake my ass a lot. But no spandex. No. NO.

  16. I will only be a back-up singer if I get to wear a black sparkly top and have an awesome ‘fro.
    Sorry about your flu. I get the “seasonal” flu once every 15 months. I finally got a flu shot this year, and the lady behind me in line says, “You know that’s not for swine flu.” I told her I hadn’t had my ass kicked by it yet, so I’m sticking with protecting myself against the flu that I actually get. “You could still get swine flu.”
    “You keep breathing out your mouth like that, and we all will.”

  17. 1: the number of staples it would have taken to secure the envelope

    12: the number of staples actually used to secure said envelope

    3: the number of wounds received trying to remove contents from envelope

    27: the number of times a day I remind myself how thankful I am to have a job

    Stay hydrated, don’t kill the Daver and feel better soon.

  18. The only time I’ve been the backup singer was when I was on my honeymoon and totally wasted (yeah, that’s a surprise). I was told though that I was pretty good. I actually remember it so it must not have been too far into the night. 🙂

    I’ll be a backup singer if I can stand in the dark and say ooohh baby baby baby. I’ll sound like I’m coming out of the speakers but I figure that’s okay with you. 🙂

    I hope you feel better and that Dave stops munching tater chips. Really, he should know better. *giggle*

  19. forty-six: times in the last four days I have asked, “Why, God, do you allow a baby to become so congested that he cannot breathe, which means he cannot SLEEP?”

  20. No, I won’t be your backup singer. I would, however, be your drummer or cage dancer.

    Feel better, girl! I’m teetering on the edge of sickness myself. The menfolk have been toxic for days and seem determined to take me down with them. The fuckers!!

    Oh, and the pig flu started right here in the US of A, not Mexico, so leave the Mexicans alone!

  21. I DO hope that when you dream of what you’d do with your wang, you have made yourself LARGE and in charge. Because, it is critical that you are able to fling it over your shoulder, jump rope with it and of course have enough wee wee to sign the snow Love and Kisses, Notirious BEX.

  22. I’m sorry you still don’t feel well!

    As for the penis thing.. you do realize that all of your followers are really expecting that post?? I know i’ve been anticipating it since your tweet last night!

  23. If you had a penis you could chew really, really loudly. I know because the only person in my house with a penis does not understand the concept of chewing quietly. In fact, penises seem to be so mystified by the chewing quietly concept that the penis in our house, dared to say to me, “You’ve got a problem,” when I went off on said penis. Sometimes, I have to leave the room when the penis is chewing.

    And go ahead, kick that swine flu’s ass. You know you can.You are indomitable, the proof being in that you are blogging and tweeting and listening to your husband chew, all while being held hostage by the mean, old pig, Feel better.

    1. I do not understand why they chew so loudly. I do not understand it at all. I think I should sue penises for chewing so loudly. THAT would make an epic episode of The People’s Court, don’t you think? Aunt Becky Versus A Penis.

  24. My ex didn’t chew loud – in order to chew loudly you have to actually chew your food!

    I am sitting at work spreading cold germs everywhere. Got off the bus on the way here and started sneezing. Don’t want the hamthrax so it is a cold and just a cold!

    Great I get a 3 day weekend and a cold.

    Get better Notorious Bex – if you don’t write, I won’t laugh out loud at work.

  25. Dammit Becky – Now I really want a penis. It is the one thing I need to complete my ultimate goal in life. Pee my name in the snow. Yup, I need a penis.

    Oh, and you need to keep tipping that glass of vodka. It will kill what ails you. Cheers, to feeling better.

  26. I don’t want to be a back-up singer, I want to be your GROUPIE!
    I will buy a lighter and scream and cry while you are on stage.
    I will send you many many letters written in lipstick.
    I will send you Canadian vodka . . .

    Oh oh oh it is Bex! The Notorious B.E.X.
    Picture me swooning at work.

  27. Aww, sugar, I’m sorry you’re feelin’ puny. That’s Southern for “sick as a dog”. Not that I’m southern, really…I wasn’t born here and despite living here long enough to have gone native, I’m still legally a “Damn Yankee!!”


    Anyway, I hope your recovery hurries the hell up…and if I could think of a way to get it to you before it spoiled, I’d send ya some home made soup.

    As an aside – my grandmother had a recipe for soup she swore by for curing the flu. Only trouble is, the main ingredient is just a little unlawful to grow or consume, thanks to prohibition. Sigh…another example if how government interference with healthcare screws the consumer.

    Meanwhile, if you soak the Daver’s chips in the dog water, I bet Amelia would be delighted and the chips wouldn’t be as crunchy. Just a thought.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  28. In your current state you’d appreciate the email I received this morning that I posted on my blog – all about the “wine” flu.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  29. I just read everyone’s comments. My daughter just asked me why I’m laughing so hysterically at my computer.

    I want to be the road manager to this awesome group of gals. I can’t sing worth shit.

  30. Tell your singers to back up if they are “mouth breathing snot faucets” (GLEE). And remember the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one is the taste.

  31. If I had a penis I would totally write my name in the snow with pee.

    You can use that one if you didn’t already have it down.

    You’re welcome.

  32. So, does this mean you don’t care if I steal your penis blog idea? Because, really, that would be awesome… mostly because you’re powerless to stop me.

  33. Thinking about “if I had a penis” is making me think of “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” Right now I would rather have a Klondike Bar than a penis.

    I have no skillz for this freak show of awesomeness.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  34. The fuck? THIS got 111 comments? Oh, I see you replied to everyone. Twice.
    I hope that you feel better. I’m sure that your People’s Court episodes will be picked up. Judge Wapner would be all over it. And you.

  35. This little piggy threw down
    Dirty Sow
    Truffle bag boy… I don’t know, I’m too tired..I tried.

    Thank you for the chip thing and your inadvertent validation.
    My boyfriend gets to stick around a little longer, chomping and smacking his way through Cigarettes and Romance. It’s not a big deal. It’s just… that how often does one get to hear James Gandolfini AND Steve Buscemi sing in a musical?
    “Wha? crunch, munch, slobber, chew.”

  36. OMFG. What. Please, please, tell me. What. Is. So. Good. About that frigging dog water? I can’t keep my kid out of it, either- and “gleeful” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I caught her before she got to it last night because she was crawling towards it and pausing every few seconds to stick her hand up in the air and scrunch her fingers into a fist (practicing, because that’s what she likes to do with the water). It was particularly silly.

    1. Alex did the SAME thing! It was SO GROSS. I caught him drinking out of it before I could stop him (how do they get so FAST?) and man, the water table I got for him is going to be so happily used by her.

  37. chewing noises are equal to and as bad as fingernails on a chalkboard. MY husband had speakers installed in his jaw muscles just to driver me nuts(ier). at least that is my only explanation for the ungodly loud sounds coming from across the couch. NOBODY chews that loudly without doing so on purpose, and with amplification.
    hope your poor head and fever feel better soon, or at least get upgraded to “tamiflu worthy”…

    1. I think that Daver totally had speakers put into his jaw too! And his throat! So he could gulp while he drank in a way that made me want to kick his throat in!

      OH! And I cannot comment on your blog. Your word verification thingy won’t scroll down for me. And then I cry because I want to comment. SAD FACE.

  38. I can’t be a back-up singer. I’m sorry, it just isn’t in me. But I would so totally be the rockin’ bitch on the drums, wearing the black leather short shorts and black Doc Martens and the black leather push-up bra that the girls are practically falling out of. (And we’ll pretend that I actually have the body to wear said outfit, because that’s my fantasy rock’n’roll bitch outfit.) Or I can wear the same outfit and play bass. Or pretend to, which is OK, because Sid Vicious couldn’t actually play bass either, but that didn’t stop him from becoming rich and famous. (And dead, but that’s beside the point.) We’ll have to find someone to be the floor sweeper, though, ’cause the guys are all going to be totally drooling over the sex appeal with this bunch on stage.

    And then I’d have a really good excuse to keep my pink hair. And yes, it’s really got pink stripes in it. Fuchsia, really.

    1. Pink hair is why I think I might be in love with you. OKAY, nevermind, I was in love with you before. And you can totally play drums. OR you can just strut around looking surly or sexy. Or some combination thereof. Whatever you feel like.

      1. Well, I’m totally good at strutting and looking surly. I do it every morning before coffee. So I’ll have to play bass. Because no matter how cool you are, you can’t really strut and play drums at the same time. Unless you’re wearing those marching-band kind of drums. It’s hard to look cool if you’re creating flashbacks to high school band geeks. Even with pink hair.

  39. You are too damn popular, and I can’t spend time reading all these comments to see if anyone else busted their sphincter laughing to the image of a pig bedecked with gold chains. High-larious. Bedecked makes me think of bedazzled, too, which I think this pig’s sunglasses were.

  40. Track #1 “Tricked Out Pig”

    Yo’ fever spiked a Benjamin
    Yo’ forehead feels hawt as sin
    Shakin’, sweatin’, head poundin’
    Sure as shit, ill soundin’

    Ya gotz the swiiiiiiine flu
    Whatchya goin’ do?
    Bitch and moan ’til we feel bad for you?

    Nah, take it to the blog! Take it to the blog! The blog, the motherf*ckin’ blog! Hey Internet (What?) Hell Internet (What, what?)!


    Bravo for being a trooper, I know it must suck, but you’re making us all laugh, and that’s gotta count. If the CD ever gets off the ground, I want to be part of it. I can be the one holding your gold chains in the background.

  41. OH EM GEE. While normally I *always* side with All Things Holy (such as any woman’s side of the story), I have to give The Daver some sympathy. Apparently, according to my husband (The Man) I ONLY eat crunchy food (to torture him) and my mouth is exceptionally thin because he can hear it across the room. Thus, Doritos cause him significant distress. Normally his complaining makes me want to hit him in the face a little, but I guess maybe he just has bionic ears. It *obviously* isn’t ME. Love him Becky, it isn’t his fault. Unless he chews with his mouth open, and then all bets are off… 😉

  42. New people keep following me on Twitter and I haven’t tweeted in months. They seem to think it’s cool to follow a lot of people. I think you should be sent to the Mommy Farm immediately (see my post on that last year) and TOTALLY pampered until you get well. Tamiflu pills should be placed in a necklace around your neck so yuo can have one whenever you want.

  43. 323-Number of my Twitter followers who are not you
    1-Number of my Twitter followers who ARE you (because there is only one you)
    6-Number of times you have commented on my blog
    17-Number of times each day I check to see if you’ve updated
    3,547-Number of times you’ve rolled your eyes, deleted your email, read my comments, etc. and wondered how you could get rid of your very short stalker with a girl crush

    1. I would NEVER delete an email or a comment from you! Besides, I need more stalkers. Especially if they’re not scary. And you’re not scary.

      You’ll get more Twitter people. I promise.

  44. In my mind I can dance AND sing. Maybe that’s still the flu talking. But my kids don’t seem embarrassed by it yet. So I’m in, if you’ll have me 🙂

    (just ignore my coughing for now… it does go away eventually, I’m told. Though it does make my voice sound even sexier… )

  45. Yes, I’ll be your back up singer. Actually, I can’t sing, how about we get a stripper pole and I dance on that? I’ve got PLENTY of skimpy clothing for the job. Plus, rappers=strippers! At least that’s what the videos are telling me. We’ll make it rain bills, yo!

    Get better, love!

  46. Aw, Bex! I wish I could swoop you up and drop you in a quiet kid/pet free place while you recooperate from your piggy sickness:(

    Love you, doll! Feel better!

  47. I’m praying for peaceful days while you recover. I hope you feel better very soon. Take it easy, and sleep as much as possible. If you’re still sick and reading this, put a movie on for your little angels and go to sleep.

    1. If I could put on a movie and not have Alex try to peck out my eyeballs, man, that would be awesome. I’ll be okay. I think I’m on the mend (crosses fingers).

      Thank you so much for your prayers, my friend.

  48. I’m a loud chewer (is that seriously a word?). As a matter of fact, I read your post while eating Funyuns. They are the food of the gods, in case you didn’t know.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  49. I would totally be your backup singer. And after my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night with cranky husband and child and weird dreams about showering in the dining room (why am I always showering in inappropriate places in my dreams?)… the image of the pid defendant on the People’s Court made me smile. Thank you!

  50. They say gangsta rap is dead! I dissagree, we’re just changing the way we do things. Check out Kryptik – V.I.P Ft. Crooked I It’s a fusion track, straight Banging! I put their link in my info, or you can just google the track. It’s available everywhere… key like

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