I was in the third grade when I had my first nervous breakdown.

No one ever quite knows if I’m joking when I say this – they’re always standing there all nervous-like, wondering if they should laugh or look sympathetic. It makes sense – half the people I know don’t know if I’m joking when I say anything from, “I’m having a miscarriage,” to “I just lost my best friend.” They’re accustomed to the punch-line, the quip, the joke, and when none comes, they stand there, shuffling their feet, looking around for someone to rescue them from what is now a decidedly awkward situation.

I never know whether to laugh or cry when I’ve put myself in this situation.

But it’s the truth – in third grade, I had my first nervous breakdown. I threatened suicide. My parents took me to a shrink, who’s name eludes me, but I want to call him, “Mark,” because I think that was his name. I’d sit there, week after week, staring at the curls on his head, which were tightly wound, as though he’d had a reverse shock treatment or a particularly bad perm. He’d have been the last white man with an Afro, had his hair not been dripping with hair product. His face reminded me of a reddened potato, the tell-tale alcoholic signs apparent to me even then – his nose looked somewhat like a potato, streaked with broken blood vessels and pores so large you could probably read a cryptic Morse code message in them.

I can’t remember what we discussed, but I do recall staring at his gigantic pores, wondering if I could, in fact, take a swim in them.

Eventually, I said enough of the right things to convince him that I was okay and I was discharged from treatment.

I was eight years old.

I’ve had a few nervous breakdowns throughout the years, every now and again when the going gets too tough, the lie gets too big, and the pain is no longer able to be beaten back into submission. I’ve never found a good “cure” for these breakdowns – if I were an alcoholic, I’m sure I’d go on a binge, and hell, I’m half-tempted to TRY it just to make these feelings; this darkness stop.

I’d been spiraling quite awhile, of this there is no doubt. The thanks-but-no-thanks AVID letter was what clued me into it – and I did nothing, hoping the situation would go away, I’d be presented with (or find) another solution, or that this would blow over. That I’d wake up one day and not dread whatever the day would bring. That the pervasive sadness would somehow dissipate and I’d be left to see the world as it truly is, not distorted through the haze of sadness.

It didn’t work out.

Which is why I began my descent into nervous breakdown territory sometime late last week. I spent the weekend balled up on the couch, a weeping mess, unable to find the joy; the hope that had, mere moments before, been swirling about.

Monday, I told myself. Monday I’d call the doctor and get some help – it’s clear my antidepressants aren’t working properly, and the insomnia, maybe he’d be able to offer me something to beckon me to the Land of Nod beyond the cocktail of Benedryl and Melatonin taken in doses so ridiculous that I should’ve been dead.

Finally, Monday rolled around and when it did, I called the doctor. The phone rang and rang, without directing me to their directory “Press One If You Have An STD,” “Press Two If You Hate Medicaid.”

Curious.

Also, it would serve to fit that the one time I genuinely needed to see my doctor, his phone wasn’t working. Fabulous. I’d finally hit my “semi-suicidal” state, and help was nowhere to be found. Unless, of course, I went to the ER, but what were they going to do? Illinois version of the Baker-Act? Tell me it was “all in my head” and make me feel worse? I didn’t know, but I knew that whatever happened there, I wouldn’t be ready for. And The Guy Formerly On My Couch had my car – I didn’t need an ambulance.

The seconds ticked steadily by, each slower than the one before, my panic reaching a fever pitch, the buzzing in my ears growing louder and louder as I ran to the bathroom, clutching my sides, vomiting up whatever was in my stomach.

How did it get to be so bad? How did someone who created a place where “none of us are alone” end up so damn alone? I didn’t know. I couldn’t understand. How did it get to be so bad?

I tried the doctor’s office again – this time I got a voicemail that informed me that the power, water, and phone lines were out. Fucking perfect.

The tears pooled down my face and onto my shirt as I reached out to the one place I could think of: the suicide prevention hotline. I didn’t want to die – I wanted to end my suffering. I wanted to live; and live without that sadness looming, threatening to suffocate me if I wasn’t hypervigilant, watching my back at every turn. It was so exhausting. The temptation to give up, and give in to the calling darkness was tremendous.

Hands shaking, I dialed the number and listened to the prerecorded message about “staying on the line for help,” and listened to the nice soothing hold music, wondering how I was going to spill out the mess of my life to a stranger, sobbing at the mess my life had become.

I heard a click, then silence. Within a couple of seconds, the loud BEEP BEEP BEEP signaled one thing:

My call had been dropped.

The suicide prevention hotline had dropped my damn call.

I’d have laughed if I hadn’t been sobbing.

Comments are love, or some bullshit like that. Either way, they make my heart happy. leaving a comment and SUBSCRIBE to my RSS feed or I will send my Chicago "friends" after you, yo.

81 Responses to Breaking Down

  • Halala Mama says:

    Hugs and more hugs. And then? Even more hugs. Aunt Becky, I hope you got the help you needed so much. Much love.

  • Becks – I love you. Lots of people do and we are so here for you. I mean, not “there” because, obviously. But here nonetheless. That was Monday and today is Wednesday and you posted. So that’ good. But how are you now? Today? Because hopefully tomorrow your dr’s office will be back up and running.

    Don’t go to the ER. Is there an Urgent Care center? The one I go to is VERY attentive to mental health and helping. I hope you’re ok. I hope you know people love you. I hope you know I love you.

    Make the guy formerly on your couch come over. Make someone come over. And call your doctor tomorrow.

    Love you.

    Amy

  • Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you are at this point in your life. It sucks so so bad. Are you doing a little better now? Did you find help? Please find help. The world needs an aunt like you.

  • Christine says:

    When you’re going through hell, keep going.

    There was a time when I had to look at that saying every day. You are not alone.

  • Robin says:

    I have so fucking been where you are. You can get through this. XOXO

  • ragemichelle says:

    You are in my thoughts..

  • Trini says:

    One, I think it’s fucking bullshit that you had to go through so much just to TRY to get help.

    Two, I don’t know how or where or when you’ll find your happy. But I know you will. You’ve made such an impact on so many lives, most you may not even be aware of. Hell, I’m mostly a lurker, but you’ve encouraged me (however indirectly) to be honest and kind to myself.

    I don’t really know what else to say, but you are incredibly loved and an incredibly strong, brave and wonderful woman.

    *so so so many hugs* *and I’ll make you a vicodin cupcake*

  • Barnmaven says:

    If you need to call someone and no one is taking your call, for gawdsakes call ME. five oh nin seven two seven eight one two seven. I mean it. You can say anything. I’ll pretend I’m drunk so you know I won’t remember it.

  • Paije says:

    Wow, I really, really hope you are still there. You know you can get through this. You are one tough lady. If not, there’s always fruity vodka drinks. Kudo’s to you for writing this and for all your writing. We need more women like you, that can write and make us want more. We need you!!

  • Sandy says:

    This breaks my heart. Becky, I love you and am only a phone call away. Day or night – you’ve got a friend and an ear to listen. Please promise not to go it alone when things get bad.

  • Big hugs to you, Becky. I’m here if you want to talk on email or Twitter or whatever. Hang in there.

  • Nikki Bee (@nikkib1920) says:

    If you need to talk to someone, please email me. I’ll listen. OMG, I am with Robin, I have so fucking been there. More than once. *hugs*

  • Sven says:

    *sending good thoughts, hugs and much love*

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    oh, Becky, my heart hurts for you. I wish there was something I could do for you. If you need me, call, please?

  • Beth says:

    Oh, Becky. Becky. This made me cry, because I know just how helpless/alone the quest for someone to listen to your anguish and give you compassion can make you feel. I’ve been reading you for years and have never commented, but I want you to know you have inspired me so many times, and Band Back Together has probably saved my life once or twice. You are awesome and one of my fucking heroes, and I mean that. Like Barnmaven above, I would be willing to take your call at any time if you needed someone to listen. Send me an email and I’ll give you my number. You are amazing and you are so loved. Sending you the biggest hug I can give.

  • Sending lots of love to you, Becky. Lots. You’re one of the strongest, bravest women I know. Please. If I can be of any help whatsoever, please reach out. I promise there will be no dial tone, just a friend willing to listen. xoxoxo

  • Cindy Medina
    Twitter: medinacd
    says:

    I have been there AB. Hang in there. Sometimes life is a rainbow and pot of gold. Sometimes a pile of shit. Your kids and your Pranksters (and The Daver and other Ben) need you. Even if you are not all happy crappy pants. We just need to know you are on the planet with us. K Becks? K?

  • Oh hon, I wish I could come and sit with you and hold your hand while we figured out where you can get help. My thoughts and prayers are with you Becky, and a big internet Hug too.

  • GIANT Hugs. You are most certainly not alone. I had my first nervous breakdown at the age of 6. And I too am in a very very dark place right now, the antidepressants they gave me worked backwards and instead of making me better they sent me into a deep sea of blackness and depression. I am always here for you to listen and offer much support whenever you need it. I haven’t commented in a long time because I have been so depressed and bleh about life that I couldn’t even come to my internet BFF’s blog. But if you need anything at all you reach out and I am here. LOVE you!

  • Pgoodness says:

    Sending lots of love and strength and HOPE

  • BakingSuit
    Twitter: bakingsuit
    says:

    Oh hun. HUGS. I don’t know what to say, but I know that my ears work if you need them. I’ll email you my number.

  • I was just there last week. I am thankful that my husband and mom were able to talk me down. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I was sick of living the life that I am in. I have debated about writing about it, but I just haven’t been able to put into words what is going on. I just really hope that you know that we are all here for you.

  • Brenda says:

    Becky – HANG IN THERE. The only way to the other side is through and you’ve done it before and you know you can do it again. It sucks, rots, blows, shits and every other term you can think of but your past experiences tell you that you CAN get through and you CAN be whole again. Now……what can we (I) do for you? Do you want emails? Do you want to call one of us? Do you want us to call you to check on you? I swore that I would never ever allow someone who is in the same kind of and amount of pain I was once in to go unattended, unloved, uncared for. Whatever it is, you tell us (me) and we can try to make it happen for you.

    You are one of a kind in that you drag your gorgeous sorry ass through these times and come back stronger. Tested in the fire and tempered in the flame – that’s why steel is so strong and beautiful. Tell us what you need and let us give it to you.

    Love and blessings and prayers for your fast emergence on the other side! Brenda

  • (hugs)

  • Laina says:

    Aunt Becky, hang on tight girl! I have been there and the suckitude is more sucky than any thing James Dyson could invent.
    Call the hotline back, lean on the Daver(he seems quite the awesome) or the guy on the couch. All the pranksters and bandembers are yelling for you. Much love to you.

  • Carol Anne
    Twitter: NJdreaming
    says:

    You are in my prayers. You can make it through this. I hope you get in touch with your doctor or someone who can help you soon. (((hugs)))

  • Becca says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I know that doesn’t make it better, and neither would me telling you I go through this too, so I won’t say it. I will offer tight hugs and blessings for a time of rest and recovery for you. You are loved, please don’t forget that and you are not alone.

  • ArykaNotErika says:

    Motherfucker. The way you have been there for me in the last few weeks, rallying the troops to be there for me in dark moments, unfycking believable. Reach out and scream for us. You are who teaches so many that we are never alone.

  • CathiC says:

    My heart is aching for you, dearheart. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away. Just keep reaching out and believe that no matter how bad it gets, YOU are never alone, you are so loved and you will get thru this. Take the time you need to fight your way back and know that we’re here to help you fight. xoxo

  • Allison says:

    You are awesome and I love you.

  • Fallah says:

    You know I’m here for you. I wish that I was closer, physically, to you as well. You are an amazing, strong, inspiring person. You have built something fucking amazing with Band Back Together. You have lived through so much already. You are a fighter. Keep fighting. It does get better. It can get better. You have touched so many lives in your lifetime (and in a good way, not a naughty way). Just think about how many more you can reach, how much more you could do. But only if you want to do it. You can do anything you want. I believe in you.

  • lots and lots of hugs… find something and smash the @@#!@ out of it. let it out on it. It helps.

  • kristi says:

    I have been reading your blog for a while and have been where you are. I’m praying for you. I don’t know your spiritual beliefs but would like to suggest you try saying a prayer to God because it really helps pull me back from the dark places.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I love you and you will make it through this . I’ll carry you if I have to.

  • j says:

    The suicide hotline for my city has a near-constant busy tone. I am pretty sure it is just one old lady next to a phone. She is not very helpful at all, and only asks what you’ve called for (sounding quite annoyed when you don’t have any good answers). She doesn’t even have a list of local resources and their phone numbers.

  • Lex says:

    I FEEL this! I have so been there (hell, I’m there now!) and it’s so. goddamn. hard but you’ve got to pull through, if not for your own sake, than for the wee ones.

    I’m confident that you’ll make it through. You just have to hang in there a bit longer…

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    Honey, I love you like WHOA. You will get through this bullshit, I promise. I will work some voodoo shit if I have to. Call me anytime, day or night. You are loved and so NOT alone!!!

  • Jolie says:

    Dude. *holds out hand <3

  • alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    I didn’t know that happened to someone else. I’m sorry because I know how it feels. The person on the line ended my call because I wasn’t cutting to the chase fast enough so she thought I wasn’t suicidal enough to be wasting her time. I’m really sorry it happened to you.

  • Lisa says:

    I am here right now and I so feel your pain. I hope you found relief. We love you so much. Power through.

  • Ami says:

    *hugs* I’m so sorry sweetie. I’ve been tap dancing on the edge myself lately, doing everything I possibly can to keep from falling off. I hope you got some help. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better, but the only magic wand I have is made by hitachi so I’m sorry but I don’t think I should share and also I’m not sure it would fix your problem…. And now I’m rambling AND over sharing so I’m just going to stop….

    So I hope you got some other help. I’m glad you’re still here to post this. I love you lots and want you to know how much good you have done and how wonderfully meaningful your life is to lots of us. Hang in there. Depression is a lying bitch and it will get better again I promise. *hugs*

  • Amelia says:

    Sending light and love with every ounce of my being.

  • Brian says:

    Becky, I’m so sorry you’re in that black place, scratching on the walls, just praying someone, ANYONE, can come along and shine a light down on you. It’s that much more painful when the ones we love the most can’t dispel that unbearable, oppressive darkness.

    Is it a breakdown? Maybe. Could it be a breakthrough? God, I hope so. You’ve certainly helped me and many others not feel so alone. Your merry band of Pranksters and the Band will be happy to carry you for as long as you need us to. Sending prayers, love and light your way. Timshel. http://youtu.be/DCixAyi6GoQ

  • Jess says:

    You are NEVER alone. Never. You have proven that to all of us and now we can prove it to you. I know it’s hard. I know it’s horrible, and it sucks. But you are never, NEVER alone and you have all of us pulling for you. Sending all of my thoughts and all of my love to you…

  • alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    If you feel too bad, maybe you really should try the hospital rather than the suicide line. I don’t know anything about the hospitals near you (maybe try to pick a cushy one and pretend it’s a spa) but if they;re even remotely decent, they can get some sot of medication for you while you’re waiting around for your doctor to have electricity and water.

  • Janis says:

    (((Hugs))) Please know that you are not alone.

  • Joules says:

    You? Are so not alone. Try to kick the depression motherfucker in the junk and remember that you have an entire Band that’s got your back if you need or want it.
    Keep holding on. xoxo

  • Tea says:

    I’m hoping by now you’ve gotten some immediate help, and are starting to feel better. I’m also saddened by just how not alone you are… I was 6 the first time I had a nervous breakdown.

  • Lisa Sinicki says:

    You were able to write about this with a sense of humor. Hope that means that you’re doing better. Nothing more frustrating than needing help and not being able to get it. Been there too.
    Lisa

  • Caroline says:

    I wish I could say something to help but I’m one of those people who don’t have issues with depression. I know it’s a very bad thing that affects a lot of people…..but I don’t understand why people get so sad all of a sudden. I really wish I could say something witty that would make the hurt go away but in these situations I don’t think one would really care for pick me ups from someone who doesn’t understand what you’re going through. It’s like when you lose someone precious and people you barely know give you their condoleances. Nonetheless, I wish you all the best and send positive vibes so you can get through this rough patch quickly. Remember that no matter what, there’s a shit load of people who loves you very much (much more than you think).

  • Cindy says:

    Fuck one day at a time, One moment at a time. That is how you get through it. You are surrounded by people who love you even if you can’t see them. Thank you for trying to get help – I can’t imagine this world without your wonderfulness in it.

  • Jana says:

    You know I love ya more than my luggage, girl. I’m here. Always.

  • Joan Rowlands says:

    Sending you big hugs, love and light AB. Hoping you’ve gotten some help and can start seeing your way back to the light. xoxox

  • Pete In Az says:

    {{{{{{{Aunt Becky}}}}}}}

  • JenniferB says:

    Mama, you are SO strong. This too shall pass. I have no words of wisdom for you, but I offer my love along with all the others. You are so loved and so important to so many. You are FUCKING AMAZING. You just rock. Please get to the doctor and get these meds figured out. Aunt Becky feeling like this is Bullshit, just like pants. Where did the guy on your couch go? Wish I were closer. Big hugs.

  • Maggie says:

    Oh AB, I get it. You are not alone, you are absolutely awesome and your Pranksters have got your back. So many hugs and love, you can definitely get through this. “Tough times never last; tough people do”
    xx

  • Alexandra says:

    Oh, darling beautiful lady: you need to hear how much you did for me, because of your blog and writing, two and a half years ago: when I didn’t know what to do.

    I love you.

    We’re all here.

    You’re not alone, even when it feels like you are.

    I think of this, I read somewhere, “you’re the kind of person where if you were in the hospital, the waiting room would be full.”

  • melanie says:

    hope you get some help and feel better really soon *hugs*

  • It’s amazing — and SO WRONG — how many people reach out for mental health help only to get an answering machine, or a dropped call, or no call back, or told they can’t get an appointment for weeks. I’m so sorry this happened to you Becky. So. Sorry. Hugs. It will get better. You KNOW this.

  • Audrey says:

    AB—
    You are not alone. Reach out for help, again as again, until you find it. It is out there. I had to do that myself today, because life just plain sucks the big one sometimes. I am always here for you.
    All. The. Love. ——–>. You
    Augs

  • Mrs. One Day says:

    Becky, you know how much I care about you. I love you like a sister and you’ve helped me in ways you don’t even know. Before I knew you and The Band, I was doing nothing more than wasting my life away on the couch in front of the television, but now my life has a purpose, it has meaning. You gave me my life back. How do you thank someone for that? I don’t know the answer to that, but I’ll be thanking you for the rest of my life. I thank you for being a life preserver, friend, mentor and sister.

    I love you, AB.

  • So many hugs for you. I hope you found the help you were seeking.

  • MKP says:

    *hugs and more hugs*

    Thanks for reminding me that this fear I’ve been living in is NOT THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. Sigh. Glad you are here with us.

  • Heather says:

    I’m so sorry to hear the way you are feeling. I hope you have found some help and are feeling better soon. Let us know how you are.

  • Alex says:

    Good for you for making the calls. Even if there wasn’t anyone on the other line, you made the call! And that is the hardest – reaching out.

    I don’t tell people this, but about 10 years ago, I took a bunch of pills and booze, and was pissed when I woke up in the hospital. I kept asking the doc why it didn’t work. I spent a few days in a mental health facility, and it was the best thing I ever did. I now know that there are others like me – those that just break sometimes. And need help. And it’s ok! I haven’t been back to a facility, but I now know that it’s waiting for me, just in case I ever need it. So if I ever get back to the place that you so eloquently describe, I know I can get better, if only I ask for help.

    Thinking of you…

  • Titanium says:

    Thinking of you. Fiercely. Sending you a most powerful hug, all the way from the land of ice and glaciers.

    Becky, I’ve been there. Yeah. That spot on your couch is probably from me, I’ve been there so bad. Don’t. Give. Up.

    You’re not allowed. You may, however, kick and scream and curse at me for pointing out that you are NEEDED. Right here, right now. If there ever was a reason to keep on going, through hell and back, it’s named YOUR CHILDREN.

    I know. Because that is the only anchor that held me in this lifetime, on more than one occasion. Good on ya for saying it out loud. All of it. You can do this. I know you can. You know you can, even though it pisses you off.

    Get angry.

    Stay alive.

  • oh, sugar. I wish I had the right words for you…the perfect thing to say to make all the pain go away. But the only thing that ever comes to mind is: I KNOW. I KNOW. I know what this pain feels like….the sadness, the hole you want desparately to be filled, but with WHAT?. The happy to sad, 4-second-WTFJUSTHAPPENED?-switch-around. The, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT FUCKING NORMAL FEELS LIKE. The, why don’t my meds work, and why can’t my shrink just FIX ME ALREADY??

    Dear Amazing Becky who wants to take care of everyone else, I wish I could take care of you – hold you & let you cry ugly, slobbery tears all over my shoulders, and when you’re done, I’ll wipe your hair from your face & remind that you are a badass….that you are strong & phenomenal, and you’ll find a way through this. YOU WILL.

    Crying tears of mental illness sisterhood with you, mama.

    xoxo

  • Elizabeth says:

    XOXO

  • Grace says:

    Oh sweetie! I’m so so so so sorry you’re on the bottom of the roller coaster again. Add me to the list of people you can call if you need someone to talk to. I’ll be right there. I sent you my number before, but if you can’t find it, you know my email. I just wish next month was already here so I can give you hugs in person! I love you dearly. Hang in there!

  • JD says:

    Oh, Becky. I hope you got the help you need. I struggle with depression and anxiety too. I hear ya, sister. Please let us know you are ok. Thinking of you…

  • Pamella says:

    I’ve never commented on one of your posts before but this one…this one spoke to me. I swear I could pull out one of my journals and find an identical story. I have felt what you’re feeling. I know how the despair becomes so burdensome that the very idea of waking up one more fucking day is unbearable. And you know what? In that moment, it doesn’t matter who or how many people tell you they love you. It doesn’t change what’s going on in your head. It doesn’t help you see any clearer.

    But I also know that that love is real and true. Though you may not be able to see it or hear it or feel it right now, it is real and true. If you believe in nothing else, please believe that you are strong enough to get through the darkness you’re feeling right now. And when you part the curtains and finally step through, all that love will be there waiting.

    In the meantime, please continue to reach out. Make them listen. Make them hear you. Don’t let your voice fall on deaf ears.

    Like other commenters, I’m here and I’m ready to help in any way that I can. Drop me an email and I’ll send you my number. {{hugs}}

  • Pamela says:

    Sending love and hugs and prayers….your pranksters love ya!

  • Anon says:

    You are SO, SO not alone.
    You are incredibl, and have helped so many people.

    I’ve been there. Hell, some days I’m still there. I’ve got an old victorian with a white picket fence, a dodge charger in the driveway, and a golden retriever there. You can come live with me, we’ll be ok.

    But really. There’re so many people here for you. My advice? Next time don’t go to the ER. Go to the Urgent Care center, or the Crisis Center, get evaluated and talk to someone. Hopefully they’ll talk you down until you can get an immediate appointment with your doctor.

    Deep breathing. VERY deep breathing.
    You can do this.
    I believe in you.
    We all do.

    Really.

  • oh honey, please remember that depression *is* a lying bastard and that you will come back out of it again. Having been on a similar schedule of bad times as you seem to be I am just coming out of a suicidal depression. I made it. I am still at the wary point where I am not certain if the happy will stick. I also know there is not a platitude to make it better for you now; but you will make it. You are stronger than the pain.
    ~hugs~

  • WellYesYouMay says:

    The first time ever called suicide prevention, I was in the same sort of place. They took my number assured me that an operator would be calling me right back to talk- I just had to hang on. And I did. I ended up falling asleep on the floor, curled up around my phone. And the call never flipping came. Assholes.
    You know you’re in a bad way when even suicide prevention won’t return your phone calls.

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  • Andie says:

    It’l be okay. HUGS.

  • Nicki says:

    My jaw just dropped when you said they dropped your call. I am so sorry this happened to you!!! Please hang in there and know that you are loved so much!!! Don’t leave us!!!!!!!! Update us soon so we all know you are okay!!

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Marchin’ for Mimi!


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