I had a fairly vivid series of dream/wake hallucinations (no, this isn’t a standard blog post about my dreams because, well, my dreams tend to involve eating cheeseburgers and/or marshmallow castles) after The Great Stomach Bug of ‘Eleven, Part II. Those hallucinations were, in part, fueled by the Demerol I’d been given by the ER, but they were fairly important, nonetheless.

See, one of them was all, “Get the fuck off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING.” And by “something,” my hallucination didn’t mean to build a panic room in my tree. It was telling me to get over myself and go to some of those blogging conferences everyone angsts about.

So I did.

I bought my ticket to Type-A Mom the following day.

I’ve been saying “I’m going to Assville” ever since. I’m certain that the folks down in Assville appreciate that to no end, because, well, I’m sure they’ve never heard THAT one before. I sincerely hope I can get a shirt down there that says, “I’ve been to Assville,” because how classy is that? (answer: VERY CLASSY)

I’m pretty excited about going, actually, Assville or not. I know everyone gets all angsty about these conferences, and trust me, I’ve had my cases of ennui (whatever that means), but I’m really excited to see some of my friends.

Most bloggers spend months preparing for this sort of thing – carefully choosing outfits and coordinating nail polish colors – but me? I’ll be lucky if I pack BEFORE the limo comes to pick me up on Wednesday. Otherwise, I’ll make the driver help.

Nah, the only thing I’m doing to prepare is to get a bikini wax. Because, we all know everyone at this conference is going to see my beav. Or care what it looks like. I barely care, truth be told.

Like microwaving Peeps, it just seems like a good idea.

But I’m going to be dead honest with you, Pranksters: I’m nervous about the waxing. I’ve never done one before. Having some tiny, angry Russian lady pulling chunks of my hair out of my crotchal region sounds like the kinda party I don’t want to go to.

I mean, what if she MOCKS MY VAGINA? Because she totally could. And if I was laying there, all spread-eagled on the table, I don’t think I want someone MOCKING my crotch. I’ve delivered three children through that vagina: I’ve been through enough humiliation. I might cry. And then, I’d bet, because she’s all Russian and stoic and shit, she’d bitch slap me for crying.

Pranksters, OMG, what if the Russian waxer lady BITCH-SLAPS ME and then calls her OTHER waxer friends over to bitch-slap me, too! I’m dying inside just THINKING about it.

But if my dream/hallucination is correct, I must get a wax. I must! Well, okay, so the dream didn’t specify what I was supposed to do with my vagina, but you know, I’m sure that it MEANT I needed to wax.

So if you see me at Type A Mom this week, be sure to compliment my vagina.

Or buy me a drink. Whatever.


I’m over at Cafe Mom talking about shared custody which seems especially timely since The Daver wrote about becoming a stepfather yesterday for Band Back Together.

43 thoughts on “Blogging Conferences Are Not As Painful As A Bikini Wax. Probably

  1. Yeah, and ya know, it doesn’t help that she’s mocking you in another language that you totally don’t understand and for all you know she could be saying what a lovely one you have, and whatever, because you can’t understand her and she’s talking to the other Russian ladies and you wondered why they looked at you that way as you were leaving?? Hmmm???

    Anyway, have fun in Assville! And if you find a t-shirt make sure to get one for me, too.

  2. Well, I’m not invited to the Momblogger conference (I hope I get over the rejection) but I’d be happy to compliment you on your vajajay. Just don’t tell my wife. Or your significant other.

    As a matter of fact, just let me say that you have the best lookin’ vajajay that I never have, nor never will see(n).

  3. Bikini waxing is right on par with evicting human being from your womb pain- and cursing-wise. The only good thing about it is that you can get good and drunk before you go do it, and you certainly can’t do that before birthing.

    Take a Demerol before you go. Or an Excedrin. Whichever. Both will help with the swelling afterward.

  4. It’s not a party until the panties come off. I find it amazing that skinny dipping sessions are already being planned before the frozen beverages are in hand.

    And my friend swears that her Jamaican waxer is the best in the world. Something about the accent as she said her bush was “Gi mi sponge fi go dry up sea” had her laughing so hard she didn’t care about the pain. And she drank 2 glasses of wine first.

    Have fun at the beaver conference. Wish I was going (for the blogging NOT the beaver show).


  5. One word for a (down-yonder) wax: OUCH
    Shit hurts like no other. No seriously, HURTS. Good luck babe, you shall be needing it. And if anything you will want to bitch slap Mila (you know the Russian that will be waxing your peach) once you start the process. Be strong!

  6. All this business about waxing the vag! It’s scary fucking business! I’ve called to make an appointment twice and bailed out hours before on both.

    I go though the same thoughts…having spawned two demons, I mean children from my vajayjay I don’t want the woman looking down there and making some comment like, “Wow…they have surgery to fix this mess down here!” Then right after making that comment ripping a wax strip from my vag so fast that it takes skin with it. Yes, I am afraid!

    Let us know if you go through with it. That way the other chicken shits (like me) have an account on if it’s as painful as it sounds!

  7. Waxing is not that bad, well that is, after the first time. I have be getting waxed (vag and legs) for years now. I’ve even had a Brazilian done (one ONLY, because when that mother fucker started to grow back in, the ITCH is insane!)
    So, deep breathe, think happy thoughts (purple marshmallows and chocolate) and it will be done and over pretty quick 😉

  8. Don’t be scared! I recommend asking your esthetician to use hard wax (as opposed to strip wax) because it is less painful. Oh, and hopefully you are no where near your period because it can hurt more if you are about to start. I’m not going to lie, it is uncomfortable no matter what you do, but if you are anything like me, it will change your life. I get a brazilian every month and I love the results! And so does my husband.

    1. I have to whole-heartedly agree with the hard wax recommendation. It also starts to hurt less the more times you go, sort of how eyebrow plucking no longer causes me tears.

  9. Okay, I’m pretty sure that I would not be allowed to participate in this discussion so I am not even going to ask. Some things you just know. I know my life is different from that of most men because, in my house, I am not allowed to touch the thermostat or the TV remote. I have to pick the movies because I am the only one who can remember what we’ve already seen, but as soon as that mama is queued up I have to hand the remote back to an authorized user. I think you know who that is. Hope you have a wonderful time at the beaver flashing festival. Please don’t talk about it when you return.

  10. If the waxer laughs at you, just remind her to shut her whore mouth. Thanks to you, I am encouraging all my friends to say that when they get pissed off at someone. Is that in the urban dictionary or Wikipedia yet? If not, I am sooooo going to write an entry for that phrase.

  11. Now see, I am thinking it would be a tie. Because, I’m not going to lie to you, DAMN waxing hurts (especially the cooch.) But going to a conference where I didn’t know a single person (outside of my computer) (and even if it is in Assville, giggle) sounds JUST as painful. So, good on you for getting up the nerve to go!

  12. The last time I got waxed was right before delivering my first daughter. Because with way stretched skin and increased blood flow, it seemed like a rockin’ time to add that kind of torture. Because lord knows all 87 people looking at my vag during delivery were focused on the state of my grooming.

    I’m cured of that need. Forever. It was the first of many ways I put in less effort for my second child. That “ca-chink” would be the quarter hitting the therapy jar.

    Have fun at the conf – I will in languish in jealousy until August.

  13. The last time I got waxed was right before delivering my first daughter. Because with way stretched skin and increased blood flow, it seemed like a rockin’ time to add that kind of torture. Because lord knows all 87 people looking at my vag during delivery were focused on the state of my grooming.

    I’m cured of that need. Forever. It was the first of many ways I put in less effort for my second child. Add a quarter to his therapy jar.

    Have fun at the conf – I will in languish in jealousy until August.

  14. 🙂 I live in Asheville, and I love it here- I had no idea this conference was here, neat! There are plenty of places to have drinks here, so that’s nice- and not much traffic 🙂 My husband made a BEER MAP to help tourists get around to all the breweries (BEER CITY USA) so check out a brewery and grab a map….oh, and enjoy the conference!!!

  15. Having had two of them, I can say that it hurts less the second time. But I’m blonde, and apparently my hairs are thicker or some such bullshit.

    It takes about twenty minutes(though I did sugaring as opposed to waxing and it’s supposed to be a little less painful since it’s pulled in the direction of the hair growth as opposed to opposite)

    They won’t mock your vagina, because you’re Aunt Becky, and you’re awesome, and who would dare to mock the awesome you?

    It hurts, but (at least for me) it’s like getting a bandaid ripped off– it hurts like a mother, but then it stops and it’s fine. Let us know how it goes! just not with too much detail, because I love you, but, you know….

    Also, I give you my favorite blog post ever on the topic of waxing: http://cynicalnymph.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-to-give-yourself-at-home-brazilian.html

  16. I generally bemoan my lack of physical maturation (i.e. delayed secondary sexual characteristics) but the idea that it’s going to be awhile before stuff like bikini waxings are an issue for me offer some consolation. Since I’m semi-anonymous, I can tell you that it’s going to happen; it’s just a matter of time. Breast budding hit me last week (jeez, it’s uncomfortable, and not the sort of thing one complains to anyone about in person), which would, according to the usual timetables, have me hitting menarche in eighteen months, at a couple of weeks aftr my eighteenth birthday.

    Anyway, I sympathize with you regarding bikini waxings. it sounds like the stuff of nightmares. Best wishes!

  17. Oh my god. I’m terrified to get anything waxed except my eyebrows and even that brings tears to my eyes and that’s JUST my eyebrows. You are a braver woman than me. Type A indeed.

  18. Go for the wax, but don’t just get a bikini wax…. go for the Brazillain. Trust me (the interweb person you have never met) it’s totally worth the pain. My suggestion: take 4 ibuprofin about 45 minutes before your appointment. Don’t sweat the woman doing the waxing…like a doctor she has seen it all. I figure one doesn’t take that job if one can’t handle it. Me, I go to the spa at local nudist resort, I figure they see EVERYTHING there!

  19. Good luck on the waxing, that’s some scary shit. Good luck on the conference, but I’m sure the waxing is going to be worse… I’d say make EVERYONE buy you a drink, just to put yourself at ease… and tell Daver his article at Band Back Together was pretty awesome.

  20. My best friend is a wax specialist. Her best advice=exfoliate with a shower glove the day before and EVERY DAY AFTER! It helps prevent ingrown hairs. I get one every month, it’s clean, it’s low maintenance, it’s awesome!

  21. I have several many bikini waxes and not only has no one mocked, but the beav has never been exposed. Now brazilian…different story, and I too fear the exposure…which is weird because hello 8 rounds of IVF, but since I had a c-section, it seems like the waxing would cause all sorts of very unattractive stretching.

    Enjoy the conference.

  22. I’ve done the Brazilian many times, because if I’m payin’, she’s doing the whole job. It hurt like a bitch, but I got used to it. For me, the most painful part was actually the very lower belly, not the actual ladymeat. I had a white Orange County lady, and she was very nice not to remind me that my labia were not symmetrical. Of course, I was very nice to shower right before I went, so, you know, that’s probably why. I bet if I smelled like late morning at the fish market, she’d have also reminded me that they are different colors.

  23. It seems strange that you need to wax your vagina to go to Assville.

    Worse, I’d think, with the angry Russian is that she might be mocking your greater-genital region, but you might not understand her . . . or, maybe, you might think she’s mocking you, but she’s actually complimenting your vagina in Russian. Only, since it’s Russian, it doesn’t sound complimentary.

    I’m not sure why she’d slap you if the latter was the case . . . though.

    Have fun at the conference.

  24. I’ve never gotten my head around the “why” of why does one need to wax their crotchal region. I mean, I get it…but then, I don’t.

    But, here’s to your vajayjay!

  25. It doesn’t hurt nearly as much as anyone says it does. I used to get my legs waxed (before I got lazy) and I occasionally do my own bikini line and have done my own brazillian before… BE BRAVE 🙂

    And if it fucks up, get yourself a merkin from Amanda Palmer… it’s like bedazzling your bits! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcoreV10hI8]

  26. BWHAHAHA! I would never mock your vagina! I think you need some sort of trophy if you actually go through with it! And it will need to have a beaver sitting on the top of it.

  27. I’m immensely curious about how the whole beav wax is going to go, and not in a super creepy way. Mostly in a I’ve always thought of doing it but am fearful of the pain and the looks of utter mortification as I drop my panties way.

  28. I love the lady who does my waxing, we giggle the whole time! Not a bout my beav, but about regular salon topics.
    I suggest epsom salt baths-helps with redness, swelling and in grown hairs.
    Good luck!

  29. I love the lady who does my waxing, we giggle the whole time! Not a bout my beav, but about regular salon topics.
    I suggest epsom salt baths-helps with redness, swelling and in grown hairs.
    Good luck!

  30. WHERE have I been?!? I think I’ve been stressing over triggers and therapy and feelers and … nevermind real life things which I seem to be stuck in and well, I haven’t been HERE. And now The Wax is over, but it was funny, the buildup to The Wax, so … how was it?!

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