1,495,485: Number of times I have openly guffawed when I saw a bumper sticker on my neighbor’s car that reads “I (heart) My Wife.”

1,495,485: Number of times I have wondered if hearty laughter was an appropriate response to this.

16.7: Number of boxes of cupcakes eaten between Amelia’s birth and surgery

0: Boxes I’ve eaten since I’ve been on a diet

856: Times I wondered if anyone would notice if I ate a whole stick of butter

0: Times I couldn’t believe it’s not butter.

0: Pounds I’ve lost since giving up cupcakes and butter as a food group

25: Times I’ve wondered if a tapeworm was actually a decent idea

5: Days Daver will be gone to London at the end of the month.

4,364: Times this has made me stabby with jealousy.

2: Red cats named Pete I’ve foisted upon my brother and sister-in-law

6.3: Hours spent online looking for a replacement blankie for Alex

1: Pair of crocs I bought to haul my fat butt out to the garden in

48: Times I wondered if it was suicide time for me. Again.

2: Meme’s I’ve tried to do before I realized that meme’s are Of The Devil.

98: Times I’ve compared eating Splenda to licking The Devil’s butthole.

739: Times Daver has mocked me for loving such songs as “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” and “Something About The Way You Look Tonight.”

762: Times I’ve mocked Daver for listening to I Am So Deep And Meaningful Emo Music citing that it makes my balls itch.

9,576: Times I’ve fantasized about getting a vanity plate for my mini-van that says “Goes To 11.”

34: Times I’ve said, ‘Holy shit, that baby DOES look like an ostrich.”

87,463: Times I’ve gained–then lost–the nerve to post an older, very graphic yet high-fucking-larious post about yeast infections.

647: Times Dave and I have acted out a Valtrex commercial.

“I have genital herpes” (me)
“And I don’t.” (Daver)
(in unison) “And we’re going to keep it that way.”

647: Times this has made me bray with laughter.

0: Times I’ve eaten bacon since eating half a package while pregnant.

576: Times I’ve wished desperately for an Enzyte pen to go with my Valtrex, Wellbutrin and Viagra ones (my father is a pharmacist).

45: Emails from Nigerian princes who are going to give me money!!! I didn’t know Nigeria had so many princes who were related to me!!!

45,821: Times I’ve wondered what would happen if I really did try and order Vicodin through the Internet. Would a smiling pharmacist REALLY be filling my order?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

50 Responses to Better Than A Paint-By-Number Jesus

  • Amanda says:

    I’m jealous of your pen collection.

    When I’m at work I use a “Farmer John’s Sausages” pencil. It brings me much joy.

  • Hahahaha!!! I don’t know what’s funnier, the title of this post or the actual post itself.

    In regards to numero uno: you KNOW the wife made him do it.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    7: times I reread the part about bacon before I accepted the fact that you haven’t eaten bacon in months

  • Marie says:

    I think everyone agrees that we NEED to hear the yeast infection story.

  • Inna says:

    LOL! you’re funny.

    47,123,212,128: Number of posts by Aunt Becky I hope to read in my lifetime.
    3: Number of pills of allergy medication I took today
    3,234: Times I spent wondering whether or not sleeping on one’s lab bench is appropriate
    3,434: Wondering why don’t they make allergy medicine that works (for me) and isn’t drowsy.
    Can I borrow your dad, the pharmacist?

  • Mrs Soup says:

    omg, I want that vanity plate too! :D And I am now jealous of Daver too!! I wanna go to London!

  • swirl girl says:

    2= the number of times I read this and laughed out loud.

    3 month supply = the amount of vicodin I want if you are successful in ordering it over the internet.

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  • a says:

    I think Splenda is evil too! Ice cream should not give me a headache 2 hours after I eat it!

    I, too, am jealous of Dave. Maybe I could leave my daughter with my you and go to London with Dave. Would that be OK with you?

  • Soxy Deb says:

    Well of course he’s smiling. He’s counting “1 for you. 1 for me. 1 for you. 2 for me. 1 for you . 3 for me.” Son of a bitch is stoned.

  • Betts says:

    Bring on the yeast infection… the story, that is. If I never get another one, it’ll be too soon.

  • Danielle says:

    If you yeast infection doesn’t include the sentence “my mom had to show me how to use the applicator” then I think you should post it. If it does, then I’d say “naw you’re good, we’re ok with not knowing all the gory details”

  • GingerB says:

    Aunt Becky, Your niece Ginger wants you to live to do the meme you bought a vote with so stop fucking eating Splenda – it is chlorinated sugar and wtf good will that be for your insides? What?? Bacon is much better for you than Splenda, especially if you buy Whole Foods’ bacon made from vegetarian pigs who live in real houses watching movies with pastoral scenes on their little TVs.

    When the Daver flies out will he have any special foil covered vegetables in his pants? Just wondering . . .

  • michelle says:

    1. you can order a tapeworm on the internet.

    2. My mother in law worked for an Ob/Gyn. She gave me a pen from a rep once that when you turned it over, a little plastic sperm floated down towards a big plastic egg. There was a very thin diaphram that blocked them from meeting. It was my favorite. Somebody in my college dorm stole it.

    3. I hope the pen thief got knocked up very prematurely. for sperm-pen-thivery.

  • Sunny says:

    I’ve thought of getting that bumper sticker for my hubby and putting it on his car because it’s so hilarious.

    We actually had an argument about it a few months ago. He goes, “I think that bumper sticker is secret code for MY WIFE AND I ARE SWINGERS.”

    When I was able to regain control after hysterical laughter, I was like, “WHAT?! No way.” And of course I looked it up online and showed him where it really comes from and means. (As in: “I love my wife.”)

    Turns out he was remembering this former classmate of mine from grad school. He had that bumper sticker on his car, and he and his wife were confirmed swingers. (Not confirmed by US, naturally.)

    Nice association, hubby. LOL

  • 2: Times I’ve had bacon in the last twenty four hours.

    Really, no bacon? I can’t fathom the thought.

  • Mama Bee says:

    I ::heart:: you and your posts but I have to beg to differ: There quite possibly is NOTHING better than a paint-by-numbers Jesus.

    Just sayin’…

    ;)

  • Mimi says:

    Becks, thanks for the guffaw. And yes, we NEED to hear the yeast infection story. I’ve got a couple of my own that I’ll share in return. Deal?

  • Mimi says:

    Oh, and my dad is an allergist, so I’ve got a (wait for it) Flonase paper-clip magnet holder shaped like an enourmous shnoz. Boogers not included.

  • Betty M says:

    No disrespect to Dave but I’d much rather you were coming here…

  • mumma boo says:

    0: Number of times we’ve acted out the Cialis commercials. Who the hell thinks getting into separate bathtubs on top of a mountain/at a beach/in the meadow is sexy?

  • Badass Geek says:

    Yes.

    YES.

    We need the yeast infection story.

  • Fiddle1 says:

    I ABHHOR splenda. Well said.

  • Kristine says:

    Shouldn’t the second cat have been named Re-pete?

    Also, would love to hear the yeast infection post, as I have my own special (hatred) relationship with yeast infections.

  • Hope says:

    1 – Number of senior moments I’ve had since I started typing this comment.

  • We really, really need to see that Yeast Infection post! Puuuuuleeeeaaasssseeeee!!!!

  • Have some bacon. Fry it in butter. Better still wrap it around some chilled blocks of mac & cheese and then fry it in butter.

    Burn the Splenda in effegy but stand downwind because that stuff is toxic

  • kalakly says:

    only 1/2 aq package….come on, man up! I’ve put away a whole one before and still consider it to be one of my favorite food groups:) along with diet coke, scotch and of course, cheese. Speaking of which I think I’ll pass on the yeast story it may ruin my gentile appetite.

  • 234 – times I’ve wished I was as funny as Aunt Becky

  • Wishing4One says:

    You are too much! Where are your books? Get em published soon. I too stay awake at night thinking “how can i too be as funny and tasteful as Aunt Becky?” Nothing yet.

  • Coco says:

    If you won’t post the yeast infection thing here, you absolutely have to e-mail it to me.

    0 – number of times I have ever considered acting out the Valtrex commercial. But the fact that you guys do it cracked me up.

    5,278,976 – number of times I have wanted to hunt down the makers of those Enzyte commercials and rip out their eyes. If I have to hear about the gift that keeps on giving one more time I will personally make Smilin Bob into a eunuch.

    758,000 – number of times this week I have fantasized that I was on a tropical island getting a massage from Ryan Reynolds, clad only in a loincloth.

  • Angellee says:

    okay Aunt Becky. Seriously. You say that you want to work for our votes. Some silly ass website about cake is beating you, I havent checked the status of dooce. cake claims to be hilarious. I checked it out. Todays post? Chuck Norris. How lame is chuck norris? How could you let something that talks about chuck norris beat your madness about wanting to write about yeast infections. I personally would love to read the sick humor regarding the dreaded yeast infection. It is never funny when it is happening, but afterwords… funny. I also am interested in learning about your battles breastfeeding. I am having some of my own right now and I could use your humor as encouragement. just a suggestion. :) And your little girl is absolutly gorgeous! If I could figure out how to post my brand spankin new little man I would share pictures that you surely wouldnt care about!

  • Lindsay says:

    I love this! I laughed. That’s a lot these days. Can you please try the vicodin thing and just let us know. Just as a little FYI (not because we too want to order some of course).

  • heather says:

    Dang, I wish I knew you wanted an Enzyte pen when I knew a guy who worked for them. I think he quit though after they got raided by the FBI a couple years ago.

  • sarah says:

    Goes to 11!!!! I love it!!!

  • Potty Mouth Mommy says:

    “762: Times I’ve mocked Daver for listening to I Am So Deep And Meaningful Emo Music citing that it makes my balls itch.”

    omfg…. i need air… i have not laughed so hard in ages!!!

    oh- and the splenda- I TOTALLY agree it’s worse than giving Satan a rim job…

  • Karen says:

    My teen neighbor’s boyfriend has an airbrushed license plate that says “I LOVE LISA” on his car. He is so gay and just doesn’t know it.

  • mnsm31 says:

    yep yep
    we as your constituents WANT the Yeast infection story!!

    hopefully WHEN you post it, I can comment, “oh no she didn’t!”

    that would be awesome!

    P.S.
    good job on the no bacon, and or whole boxes of Cupcakes..

  • First I was all, “98 times you’ve compared Splenda to licking the Devil’s butthole? Because that is…awesome. Yes! Yes, it is awesome!” But then I got to the part about you and Dave acting out the Valtrex commercial, and omg, that is even more so!

  • zelzee says:

    The bumper sticker………..I think wifey stuck it on, and he has no idea it’s there. He’s driving around oblivious…………..

    You always make me laugh!!

  • niobe says:

    Cupcakes come in boxes? Why did noone ever tell me this?

  • Lots: Times your blog has made me laugh out loud.

  • Nity says:

    How on earth do you remember some of those #s?
    Happy FRIDAY!!!

  • lady lemon says:

    “87,463: Times I’ve gained–then lost–the nerve to post an older, very graphic yet high-fucking-larious post about yeast infections.”

    DO IT.

  • tryingin2007 says:

    I soooo love my w.lorenz surgical, invanx and acute aortic disease pens. I can’t get enough of those.

    I wish I had the nerve to post a very graphic and fucking hilarious post on my prolapsed uterus. just can’t do it… yet.

  • Michelle says:

    Putting in a vote for the yeast infection story as well…

  • Meghan says:

    I soo wanna read the yeast infx one;) Make me laugh girl…I need it.

  • Sarah says:

    0 – number of times I’ve followed women driving cars with I <3 My Wife stickers so I can high-five them for being proud gorgeous lesbians only to find out their dumbasses are just driving their husband’s cars, but what an awesome awkward moment while they try to figure out if I’m on their team or just REALLY FREAKING WEIRD and should they run away?! Think how many fewer stickers like that we’d see if everybody started doing that! Bwahaha.

    19 – times I’ve really wanted to!!

    But the Valtrex thing is what made me inhale my own hair and choke and gag so loudly the kids came downstairs to check on me. Well played, my friend, well played indeed.

  • Lola says:

    6: The number of bacon slices I’m going to put on my BLT for lunch. Thanks a lot for putting that in my head!

  • ava says:

    omg!! i cnt get enough of cup cakes and butter too…and diet never helps!!! heheehh..

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