1,495,485: Number of times I have openly guffawed when I saw a bumper sticker on my neighbor’s car that reads “I (heart) My Wife.”
1,495,485: Number of times I have wondered if hearty laughter was an appropriate response to this.
16.7: Number of boxes of cupcakes eaten between Amelia’s birth and surgery
0: Boxes I’ve eaten since I’ve been on a diet
856: Times I wondered if anyone would notice if I ate a whole stick of butter
0: Times I couldn’t believe it’s not butter.
0: Pounds I’ve lost since giving up cupcakes and butter as a food group
25: Times I’ve wondered if a tapeworm was actually a decent idea
5: Days Daver will be gone to London at the end of the month.
4,364: Times this has made me stabby with jealousy.
2: Red cats named Pete I’ve foisted upon my brother and sister-in-law
6.3: Hours spent online looking for a replacement blankie for Alex
1: Pair of crocs I bought to haul my fat butt out to the garden in
48: Times I wondered if it was suicide time for me. Again.
2: Meme’s I’ve tried to do before I realized that meme’s are Of The Devil.
98: Times I’ve compared eating Splenda to licking The Devil’s butthole.
739: Times Daver has mocked me for loving such songs as “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” and “Something About The Way You Look Tonight.”
762: Times I’ve mocked Daver for listening to I Am So Deep And Meaningful Emo Music citing that it makes my balls itch.
9,576: Times I’ve fantasized about getting a vanity plate for my mini-van that says “Goes To 11.”
34: Times I’ve said, ‘Holy shit, that baby DOES look like an ostrich.”
87,463: Times I’ve gained–then lost–the nerve to post an older, very graphic yet high-fucking-larious post about yeast infections.
647: Times Dave and I have acted out a Valtrex commercial.
“I have genital herpes” (me)
“And I don’t.” (Daver)
(in unison) “And we’re going to keep it that way.”
647: Times this has made me bray with laughter.
0: Times I’ve eaten bacon since eating half a package while pregnant.
576: Times I’ve wished desperately for an Enzyte pen to go with my Valtrex, Wellbutrin and Viagra ones (my father is a pharmacist).
45: Emails from Nigerian princes who are going to give me money!!! I didn’t know Nigeria had so many princes who were related to me!!!
45,821: Times I’ve wondered what would happen if I really did try and order Vicodin through the Internet. Would a smiling pharmacist REALLY be filling my order?