Yesterday, I woke up and Billy Motherfucking Mays was all:

IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY, YOU DIRTY SLUT, SO GET YOUR LAZY BITCH-ASS UP AND GET READY TO FUCKING SPARKLE ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.

When Billy Motherfucking Mays is the first voice in your head in the morning, you shut your whore mouth and you listen.

Gingerly, opened my eyes and thought about my plans for the day. I had an appointment with my neurologist who looks, incidentally, like he stepped off the set of a spaghetti Western somewhere (I’ve diagnosed him with GERD)(gastroesophogeal reflux disease)(he should really get that taken care of). Over by the neuro was the mall. At the mall were STORES. At the stores were PRESENTS. Presents for ME.

Today, I thought, was going to be a very good day indeed.

I sat up. Easy-peasy, I thought to myself. Eye of the Motherfucking Tiger!

Then, in an alarming fit of poor judgment, I stood up. Whoops! My bad. My legs felt like wobbly stumps, thanks to the migraine and Imitrex. Well, shit. Hard to take on the world without properly functioning legs.

I hummed “Life’s Been Good To Me So Far,” as I made my way to the bathroom. All right, I cheered. I got my fucking sea-legs.

When I looked in the mirror, this is what looked back;

Woah. That’s hot. I should probably become a model or something.

(BARBIZON, BE A MODEL, OR JUST LOOK LIKE ONE)

I tried to scrub the ugly off my face but it just wasn’t happening. The Ugly Cry has it’s aftermath.

I wobbled down and drank some coffee, giggling at all of the anti-VD Tweets (I have other holidays I feel similarly about) and tried to peck out a post. I’ve been writing in the mornings for so long that if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing an arm.

But I couldn’t.

I was wobbly in the head, too.

Billy Motherfucking Mays piped in:

“SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND WRITE A GODDAMNED POST, YOU LAZY DRUG-SEEKING BAG OF WIND.”

But luckily, Bob Motherfucking Ross was right behind him:

“Happy Clouds, Aunt Becky. Focus on the Happy Clouds.”

I tried to see those happy fucking clouds and write my goddamed post at the same time and I just couldn’t do it.

Then it came to me. I needed to go where I’d never (willingly) gone before to do something I’d never (willingly) done before: look at laptops.

We all know that my technical knowledge begins and ends with I push a button and the Magical Elves in the Email Machine come alive! So the very notion going to a computer store for the express purpose of looking at computers for myself is as laughable as me painting my kitchen with my tongue.

Normally, I only go to Best Buy if ambushed:

Daver, My Dad, or My Brother: “Oh HEY there, Becky/Rebecca/Stumpy, let’s go to MCDONALDS!!”

Me: “OOOOOOOOH CHEESEBURGERS.”

(I get into the car like a rube)

Me: “HEY WAIT A MINUTE THERE’S NO CHEESEBUR…GAH, OH MY GOD THE BLUE AND THE YELLOW AND FUCKING SHITBALLS IT’S SO BRIGHT IN HERE. LOUD. LOUD. LOUD. HALP ME HALP ME HALP. MAKE IT GO AWAY.”

Daver, My Dad or My Brother: “You think you’d learn, but you never do.”

Then I hover, invading their personal space, until they get fed up and leave. Alternately, I insist that they buy me something exorbitantly expensive. Like a pony.

To actually want to go to Worst Best Buy is the equivalent to hell freezing over. But I need a lappy and I don’t have a lappy and every time I try and look for one online, this is what it looks like,

And then I get really annoyed because there are so many fucking NUMBERS and I don’t actually CARE about most of them so then I go and watch Dexter mutilate people and feel better until I realize that I still should figure out which laptop I am going to buy because, hi, this staying home all day bullshit is making me twitchy.

Also: I need to take the Internet away from Jimmy Wales and Mark Zuckerberg because it’s time for a GIRL to be in charge. I need to RUB MY VAGINA on the internet, Pranksters, but I have to be able to be MOBILE to dominate the world and shit.

I proceeded into Best Buy after perfecting my GET AWAY FROM ME GEEK SQUAD look in the mirror.

See, if you don’t watch out for them, they sneak up on you and the next thing you know, you have to hear a sermon on why you should buy their stupid anti-virus protection or whatever, but you’re just standing there, mentally rearranging their features kinda like Mr. Potato Head but geekier. So you have to be wary of them. Very wary.

I snuck to the back of the store where the keep the lappy’s hostage, ogling the desktops as I went past.

And there they were: row after row of laptops. Finally, I could stop obsessing about my inability to decide and just fucking decide already. This was too tedious, even for me, to obsess about.

I rolled my eyes at the tiny netbooks. I didn’t need no stinkin’ netbook. Child’s play.

And there it was. A light, a beacon of light, shone down and I saw exactly what I needed. A laptop that said, “hey world, I’m a fucking blogger. You’d better take me and my 17 inches of swinging death seriously or I am going to go all CPU (whatever that means) on your ass. I’ll punch you in the throat if you don’t take me and my oversized screen and too many memory chips and stuff fucking seriously because I am a blogger and this is an absurdly awesome computer.”

A laptop that was absurdly absurd. Too much computer. WAY too much computer.

Just like I like it, baby.

Just as soon as I sell a kidney, Imma get me a fucking big ass 17-inch MacBook Pro. So I can go all (insert a bunch of nerdly phrases that I don’t understand here) on the Internet’s Ass. I’LL SHOW ZUCKERBERG WHO’S BOSS.

Just as soon as, uh, I get it. And stuff.

SO TAKE THAT, ZUCKERBERG. In um, a, um, couple of months…and stuff, I’m going to take over the INTERNET.

#BOOYEAH

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

55 Responses to Best Buy Totally Hates Me

  • LMAO I love that Billy Mays just mentally berates you first thing in the morning it is hilarious.
    I also throughly enjoyed the pictures. I feel like that daily. Imitrex is the devils drug I tell you. But all my drugs I suppose are.
    And Bob Ross I miss Bob Ross and his Happy Trees.
    And Zuckerberg and his soft palms better be scared. I’d spot you the money but Uhhh I’d also need to sell a kidney and I would like a Mac as well. So maybe if we both sold kidney’s and parts of our livers we could both own one?

  • Jessica says:

    “Rub my vagina all over the Internet.” Best. Line. Ever.
    You make my heart feel all sparkly.
    Jess

  • Kelly says:

    Here you go, you can afford to take over the MFing internet…just go to this website…

    http://kidneykidney.com/

  • Amy says:

    I can’t tell you how much I love that you hashtaged a blog post!

  • Mrs Jenna says:

    I’m wondering if you should be alarmed by the fact that both of your “power animal” visitors are speaking to you FROM THE GRAVE.

    Maybe that’s what happens to drug-seekers?

    Anyway, you should be able to find all the drugs you need via the interwebs you’ll access with your new laptop. I hear they sell better drugs to people who use MacBooks.

  • Rubbing your vagina on the internet is just what is needed in the world of code and numbers and mis-placed dots and dashes.

  • txjennk says:

    Billy Mays doesn’t talk to me in the morning, most mornings it’s Beetlejuice when he’s getting his head shrunk “Whoa, whoa, whoaaaaaa!!!” And Best Buy is evil. The only thing that will get me in there is the granddaughters. Unfortunately they’re only 4 and 5 so I imagine there’s a lot of Best Buy hell in my future.

  • amberlashell says:

    I totally want a mac book too, but am way too poor to actually own one. In fact, I’m too poor for most Apple products, and everytime I get a PC Laptop,, they crash on me. I just want a laptop where I can look at my porn w/out it crashing. IS that too much to ask for??? Great post aunt becky!

  • Lisa says:

    OMG do I need to start a petition for you to take over the Internet? Because I totally will.

  • the mrs says:

    I can’t wait until a few months from now!

    PS Giving Zuckerberg a couple of month’s head start? Are you sure that’s wise? I mean. You know he reads your site religiously and now he knows your plan. I’m scared, Aunt Becky.

  • I was wondering if there were any ugly men that you forgot to put in this post. I don’t think so.

    That is all

  • Crystal says:

    Girl, You gotta get that Billy Mays out of your head. He yells WAY too much…that is no way to wake up. Plus, I LOVE that painting guy! He gives the best ambiance for a sound nap. And Best Buy freaks me out. I don’t know anything….and I think they can smell my dumb when I walk in their door. Makes me shudder! I would love-because I totally NEED- a new laptop…but I have 0 knowledge on what to look for. Heaven help me if somebody ever stole my hubby!!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think that Best Buy is STAFFED by The Dumb which is why I am more annoyed when Geek Squad is all, “OOH SHE HAS A VAGINA, SHE WANTS ANTI-VIRUS PROTECTION.”

      There are so many places I can go with that.

  • Great, Bob Ross has now been my earworm for this entire afternoon. If I post this on Facebook, will it go away?!!

  • Fuzz says:

    All owners of Apple products have implants to receive messages from the Jobs.

    I’m wondering where your implant will be…

  • Jason says:

    I love your blog. It rocks! This blog put a smile on my face. I’m having a rough day today. I am on a very short fuse with stupid people & the people I work with on a daily basis. Anyways… If you have the time, crack open a bottle of VSOP and enjoy today.

    Sincerely,

    Jason
    Cyrus_Jay@twitter
    Jason Y.@facebook

    PS – “Stealing gives you syphilis.” -Mommy Wants Vodka.

  • Amelia says:

    So many mental pictures. Mental pictures of gloriousness!!! The one of you dry humping my computer to go with rubbing your vagina on the internet was my favorite though.

  • If you don’t like Best Buy, then you’ll fucking hate Fry’s Electronics. It’s like Costco and Best Buy had a drunken one night stand and after the condom broke, Fry’s Electronics is the daily, lifelong reminder of one giant, motherfucking mistake.

    • AngieM. says:

      i laughed for 10 minutes, then 10 more. then i proceeded to read this comment to my co-workers. fucken hilarious is what it is. AND so TRUE!!!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Fry’s is the devil’s asshole. I’ve been (also because I’ve been promised a cheeseburger) and I weep when I go until I remember that they have astronaut ice cream. It’s a sad comfort.

  • AngieM. says:

    i salivate whenever i browse the apple store, but sadly my toshiba will have to do :/

  • Rebecca says:

    I want a laptop or notebook or whatever they are called so I can blog while I’m in the line for parent pick up waiting for my kids.

  • Laura says:

    Aunt Becky, the fact that you don’t currently own a laptop is a fucking travesty, and just as soon as I win the lottery I will make that right.

    One thing I will tell you, as a woman who suffers chronic pain and all that shit, having a laptop has been the best thing that ever happened to me…you know besides pushing a 10 pound person out of my girl parts without the assistance of any drugs…because all my favorite people live in the computer and on days when the pain monster says “Bitch, don’t you even think about getting out this bed.” I can sit in my bed and hold my laptop and read the awesomely funny shit you and my other internet hero, The Bloggess, write and contemplate actually posting on my itty bitty shitty blog…

  • Halala Mama says:

    Yer gonna rub yer WHAT on the Internet?? Honey, I think that’s been done. It’s called p*rn… I’ll still love ya though! :)

  • katrina says:

    Ha ha ha…really i can picture you….rubbing….vagina….internet! You made my day! But hey, now that you know what you want, you don’t have to go back to Bitch Buy….you can just order it online…or have The Daver do it.

    Somebody NEEDS to takeover the damn ethersphere…..i’m happy it will be you— you have the balls of glitter to DO IT!

  • jillsmo says:

    You GO, girl! Just… you know…. be careful. And buckle up because I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be driving.

  • Colie says:

    You = HILARIOUS. Look out internet!

    That is all.

    Colie

  • steph gas says:

    don’t buy your macbook pro from worst buy. buy it ONLINE with apple.com. you can have it customized! like if you wanted it to be EVEN MORE of a computer.

    they also usually have $100 rebate on printers. i just got me a 21.5″ imac with a printer/scanner/copier/fax machine MONSTER that cost me $25 after rebate.

    ALSO. they have college student and faculty discounts or discounts for like certain corporations. like if you worked for ford or something. best buy can’t do that shit.

  • LOL! I love Bob Motherfucking Ross. “And this happy little tree lives here.” But if Billy Motherfucking Mays spoke to me during a migraine, I’d skip the Imitrex and go straight for the DHE! That stuff is the bomb!

  • andygirl says:

    I’m sorry. I didn’t hear anything after “rub my vagina on the internet.”

    holding that image in my head now. I may need some alone time.

  • krlr says:

    Dearest, dearest Aunt Becky – As awesome as your story is, I feel compelled to point out that you apparently have not 1, not 2, but THREE techy-geeky people at your disposal. Use the dark force, my child. DELEGATE! No man can resist siren call of technology. Explain your non-laptop is weak, and needs to be culled from the herd (I mean house), ask them your bestest cutesy-little-girl voice to escort you into their world, & to share their wise manly advice. Once they arrive @BB they’ll swoon at the giga-thingys and, wanting to appear manly in front of the pimply Bestest denizens, will buy you the bestest, fastest, sparkly-est laptop with the most giga-thingys available.

  • Ami says:

    I just had to say you have damn fine taste in computers mi’dear. :)

  • Sarah P says:

    RIGHT? I have such a lady boner for the Mac Book Pro, but I also have not enough money for one.

    I hate having a PC like a mother fucking commoner, man.

  • Aasiya says:

    So, this is my first time on your site and I must say this post is hilarious. You say the word FUCK a lot………. I like it! This is the first of many visits to your website. I just started blogging. Check me out if you have time http://www.utterlypicturesque.blogspot.com It is mostly about photography.

  • Kristy H says:

    Just started reading your blog today, and have a feeling I’m going to be reading the whole day!! LOVE IT!!!
    I cannot stop laughing at “Rubbing my Vagina” on the internet, I spit my Mountain Dew out as I was reading : )
    Mommy Wants Vodka is now in my Favorites, thanks for the awesome posts!

  • M.M.Mama says:

    Okay I just have to say that this blog made me laugh so hard at my desk that I had to call my husband and share. I was in a total funk and then I red this entry and it totally made my day! Thank you! Love your blog!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

 

About Twitter Band Back Together Facebook Muschroom Printing Subscribe

blog advertising is good for you
Buy Cool Toys for Your Children at Everbuying.com at a cheap price.
Helping students solve academic writing problems through guides and manuals. TheDailyWilton.com - college newspaper devoted to essay writing.

Archives

Marchin’ for Mimi!


blog advertising is good for you