I’ve never been one for family beds.

Before you fire off angry hate mail, let me remind you that I said “I” wasn’t one for them. You can sleep as a family all you want. I just happen to value my sleep and when I have an errant toddler kicking my kidneys, oddly enough, I can’t sleep. And shit knows, I’ve had ENOUGH problems sleeping, I don’t need kidney punches to compound them.

So I’ve done everything I can to make sure that my kids never ended up in bed with me.

Until now.

Amelia seems to have caught my mysterious Oregon Trail disease – or she’s teething – and has decided that sleep is bullshit. No. Sleep is FUCKING bullshit.

Which makes me sad in the pants. Because of all the things I love in the world, sleep is at the top of my list, right alongside cheeseburgers, dating television husbands and celebrity gossip magazines. I simply cannot understand how anyone who shares my genetics could be opposed to sleep.

You’d think after Alex I might’ve learned, but no.

So every night, right around midnight, she wakes up tearful and exhausted. Rather than just rolling over and going back to sleep, our conversations go like this:

Aunt Becky: “Are you hurting, baby pants?”

Mimi: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “Do you need another binkie?”

Mimi: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “Do you need a blankie?”

Mimi: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “A million dollars?”

Mimi: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “A pony?”

Mimi: “NO.”

Aunt Becky: “Okay, what gives?”

Mimi: “BED.”

Aunt Becky: “Girl pants, you ARE in bed.”

Mimi: “MOMMY’S BED.”

Aunt Becky: “Mimi, no.”

Mimi (begins to scream): “MOOOOOOOOOMMMMY’S BED.”

Aunt Becky (fearful the other two will wake up): “Okay, okay.”

And off I go, toddler in arms, to go rest in my bed. And by “rest,” I mean, “get kicked in the vagina” or “get kicked in the face” until she decides that her bed is less bullshit than mine. At which point, I scoop her up and plop her into her own bed.

I wish someone would give ME a pony when I couldn’t sleep. I’d have a pony FARM by now.

————

How do you guys handle family bed? Do you do it? Can Mimi join you?

———–

I wrote this post about the first thing I thought when I held my son for the first time for ABC’s Million Mom Challenge. It’s worth a read. Even my son liked it!

Also: GULP. I cannot believe I actually wrote something my kid would read!

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

66 Responses to Bed. Um. Rest?

  • Halala Mama says:

    We do not intentionally have a family bed unless our son is sick. Then we are so fearful of a seizure that we intentionally put him in our bed. Any other time it’s because HE”S decided it’s 3 AM and he needs to know where mommy is and Mommy counts the time left tick tock tick tock until the clock goes off and it’s time to be productive and those last two hours are too valuable to convince him to sleep alone.

    Eventually they settle for just putting their feet under your ass instead of kicking you in the head. Good luck with that!

  • Renee says:

    Yeah 2 boys in my bed…. I’d kill someone for some sleep.

  • marie says:

    #1 was like that. came up to our bed every night. when I got preggo with #2, we made her a little area to get her OUT of our bed, and onto the floor. Then, as delivery approached, we slyly put the bassinet in that place. OH THE HORROR! She reluctantly moved to hubby’s floor side of the bed, and we also moved her into a twin bed rather than her crib/toddler combo. She thought she was hot stuff in the big girl bed, so the problem subsided. #2 never slept with us regularly, only Every October when he has Nightmares about Monsters. It is now November and he’s good again. #3 thinks our bed is bullshit, but likes his crib. We’ll see what happens next year when he gets switched.

  • Auntie Dee says:

    My ex and I had twin boys, 1 cat and 1 dog sleep with us…very cozy and very sleep deprived. However, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

  • Emthe says:

    Mine’s not much of a night-time cage match, though ever blue moon I do take an elbow to the face. Mostly, she’s just a cover hog; steals them, gets too hot and then dumps them over the side of the bed, leaving me shivering.

  • Raven says:

    I too hate the family bed. I love my sleep. I do not love getting kicked in the face/vag/stomach/butt by a flailing child. Our son used to come into our room at night so I would put him on the hubby’s side of the bed. He didn’t like getting kicked either. He took care of the problem. Now, sometime in the wee hours, lil man gets up and makes a nest on the couch. Hoorah!

  • My first child slept with me for years. It was the ONLY way I could get to sleep. We tried everything to get her to sleep on her own, but I’d finally give up and give in because I desperately needed sleep. Mind you this is the child who has been difficult since birth. Everyone laughs at that but I am not kidding. She is now 17.96 years old and thank God stopped wanting to sleep with us around the 5th grade. My youngest is 9. She likes to sleep with me once in awhile – like last night when she was throwing up every two fricking hours. A new king size bed helped take care of the punches and kicks in the sleep.

  • Starlene says:

    Sleeping bag and pillow next to your bed. Let her pick out a cheap princess/sponge bob/transformers bullshit sleeping bag and don’t let the boys touch it. It worked for my son. Pissed his sister off though. She wanted that fucking ninja turtle bag. Bad.

  • Jenn says:

    There’s no family bed here… except for the occasional weekend cartoon watching time. I too love sleep more then air. Our little is fighting sleep now too. HARDCORE!! He yells and screams, and jumps on the bed, and the ONLY thing that helps is to leave him in his bed till he calms down and goes to sleep. Sometimes it makes you feel pretty terrible, but its all that works… if you take him out in just gets worse, and vag punches PLUS crying kiddo is not my idea of a party either. Hold on… i hope this is a teething related stage. * sigh* I hope it’ll be over soon!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think we should be BFF. Sleeping is my hero.

      • kay says:

        there is nothing I love more than sleep. It sucks sleeping with the littles, forget kicking (although obviously the kicking wake me up) I wake up every time they sigh or roll over, and I am a 10 hrs a night girl. Kids sleeping with you is bull shit

  • Julie says:

    My older son always slipped into my bed (with about 17 stuffed animals, no less) and I never noticed until morning. He was that good, non even slightly disruptive.

    However, having my youngest join me sucks hard and he never actually sleeps. I’d rather lay on nails than let him in my bed. We not only get the kicking and punching, we get the thoroughly creepy stare-at-you-until-you-open-your-eyes thing, and when I give in his flipping eyeball is righttheresoclose.

    • marie says:

      #1 would do that to my hubby, he said she looked like the girl from “The Ring” and scare the shit outta him! “daaaaaddddeeeeeeeee” whispered into his face, lol

  • AB, I also hate co-sleeping and love sleep, cheeseburgers and celebrity gossip magazines (not sure how to date television husbands). Just take the advice of whoever that wise ass person was that said, “This too shall pass” and let her sleep there until her diphtheria wears off or your will to live does.

    Julie

  • Maria says:

    My #2 loved to put his diapered bum next to my shoulder, and rest his chubby legs across my neck. Gaaaahhhh.

  • Natalie says:

    We had a family bed right up until about 9 months old. Which was, concidentally, right when she started walking. Suddenly sleep was not a cool then, she’d rather crawl all over me, try to walk on the bed (giving me a heart attack) and generally NOT SLEEP. The whole I love sleep thing is actually why we ended up bedsharing… for many many months it was the only way to get her to sleep longer than 30 minute stretches. And I need my fuckin SLEEP. It was so peaceful when she was little.

    Now? 17 months old? Well let’s see. We had a massive power outage so we brought her in bed to keep her warm, and she slept roughly 2 hours rolling around sleepily, kicking us in the face and moaning. That was fun. (NOT.) Once she finally fell asleep it was total awesomesauce because she slept until 11am (NOT JOKING). I love that part. If she would fall asleep quietly and calmly I’d totally still do it. But she doesn’t, so she’s in her crib and we’re all happier. (Except her, when she’s teething.)

  • melanie says:

    my daughter has tried to get into my bed, and we let it go on for a bit (she was another one to wake up at 1am and I worried about her waking up her school age brother)…. but then one friday or Saturday night I decided to let her freak the shit out… call me mean, but I was EXHAUSTED, I cannot sleep when she is in our bed, and she wasn’t sick (anymore) and there was no reason she couldn’t stay in her own damn bed. She did wake up her brother, but since it wasn’t a school night, i felt like we could all make up for the lack of sleep over the course of the weekend and then it was over.. THANK GAWD

    • Kimmy says:

      Yeah, that’s what my son did when we shifted his butt to a crib. his sister had turned off my intercom because she thought it was funny when he shrieked and didn’t want me to ‘turn off the toy’ anymore. took me 3 days to figure it out ;o

  • The Mommy says:

    We don’t, er, DIDN’T do the family bed either…and then we had our 4th and by then, well, I was just desperate for a few more minutes (seconds, even) and I bring her in in the hopes that she will at least rest peacefully until a decent o’clock. But? No. And Daylight Savings Time – I HATE YOU. Sorry. Had to get that out. Good luck with sleep. And if you’re up, know that you’re not alone.

  • I REfused. RE.FUSED

    If I don’t get sleep I eat humans and cry for no reason. So…for the best really.

    For everyone.

  • Becca says:

    Mmmm… No. There is no family bed in this house. Now my critters are considerably older than yours, and when they were itty bitty cranky critters I would let them sleep with me. Crys would come home and put them in their own beds, and I did that a lot because sleep is the most important thing ever. Now that we are both on days the youngest child gets relegated to the couch. I don’t share well. :(

  • Kimmy says:

    we only did the ‘family bed’ thing for the first few weeks with Baby Brother. My 2 year old was having EXTREME Daddy-love issues because Bubba slept between Mommy and Daddy. Bubba got Mommy, SHE wanted Daddy. Soon as we moved him to a crib all was well. I honestly think she just didn’t want to be left out. as soon as we put the ‘new toy’ in her room she was a happy camper!

  • aubrey says:

    My boys never slept in my bed. Unless they have a nightmare. My girls though. UGH! My 3 year old still does. every.night. AND she is a heat seeker. No matter how far away you push her…She is right on top of you and you have about an inch of bed to lay on. And she twists my hair. But I like sleep and after an hour or so of her screaming she has to sleep with mommy..I give in..Maybe if we had more room where 4 kids didn’t have to share a closet that has been classified as a bedroom things would be different.
    My favorite nights are the ones where all 4 kids, the dog and the cats end up in my Full size bed. I usually leave and sleep on the couch. :)

  • Jennifer June
    Twitter: theladyslounge
    says:

    Thing 1 Family Bed until she graduated to Big-Girl-Bed (tiny futon on the floor next to my bed) which made its way closer to my bedroom door every night and eventually inched down the hall until it finally settled into her room.

    Thing 2 Didn’t believe in sleep of any kind in any bed. Lost 1 year of sleep.

    Thing 3 Slept through the night since birth but snored as loud as her papa did. I moved out slept on the sofa.

  • Stephanie says:

    Sorry you all have “the blob”!
    My first daughter had colic and wouldn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a time unless being held by someone…so yeah we co-slept the first year because postpartum hemorrhage+severe anemia+colic=family bed. We managed to get her in the crib by six months. Now unless it’s after 4 a.m. she gets sent right back to her bed. I need my kidneys!

    Second daughter is only three weeks old so it’s early days yet but she already sleeps in her crib in her room and only gets up three times at night. So easy!

    No advice except to say do what you gotta do….

  • Dark Mother says:

    No kid in the bed. Been the rule since day one. The only time my son has slept in our bed was when he is sick with asthma or bronchitis. When he is healthy, he is in his bed. I will go batshit crazy without sleep and he is cranky when he doesn’t sleep well too. Also, I like having the bed as a place for me and my husband. A place we can go and be us, not just parents.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Oh poor mama. Losing sleep sucks in a big way. Can you put something in her own bed/room to make it more appealing to stay there? Can you go sleep in her empty bed when she gets in yours? Will threatening to do so make her stay in her own bed?

    My kids think it’s cool to fall asleep in our bed and get carried to their own beds when we go to bed. We’ve never had a family bed, but I will admit that I love sleeping next to my sweet girly IF we’re the only ones in the bed. Cuz I need my space and I likes mah sleep. I think the snoring husband & dog keep the kids out of our bed. I just wear earplugs to deal, because as I said, Sleep = awesome.

  • Amy says:

    Maybe put a comforter or something on the floor next to your bed for a makeshift bed. Offer THAT (with a blanket or two of course) as sleeping with Mommy. If you stand firm either she gets used to sleeping next to you in nights of need or decide damn this is uncomfortable and forgo the nightly treck.

    Or go sleep in her bed :)

  • Caetb says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, I feel your pain. The spawn of my loins happen to be the UFC of the family bed. This too shall pass. A kidney stone. Or something equally as painful.
    Sorry, I am SO not helpful….

  • steph gas
    Twitter: stephgas
    says:

    does it count as a ‘family bed’ if it’s just awesome husband, three or four cats, and myself? our cat jake doesn’t always like to sleep with us.

    of course, samantha always sleeps right between my knees. when i’m lying on my stomach. so movement is not an option.

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    My parents only let us in their bed when we were really sick (at in 103 degrees or higher) or maybe for about thirty seconds after a nightmare. I still have a complex about being deprived of the priivilege of sleeping in ,my parents’ bed with a 102/8 fever.

    The only exception was when I donated bone marrow to my mom. She felt obligated to let me hang out in her bed then.

    If you’re willing to be as much a Nazi as my mom, tell Mimi when she gives you bone marrow that will entitle her to sleep in your bed for awhile. Then again, it is it really worth all the therapist bills you’ll eventually have to pay?

    Alexis, whose parents very strongly disbelieve in the whole “family bed” concept

  • Lara says:

    Four kids, no family bed. The only time a kid has slept in my room aside from those first few months after birth is during puke sessions. And they definately didn’t get the bed then. Who wants puke in the bed. But they got a nice cozy bed on the floor next to mom so that mom could control the clean up. You can still hold a hand and comfort them, otherwise its move to the Lazy-boy and cuddle/snooze together there.

    My 2nd always woke up about midnight. I would walk him back to bed and sing the rainbow song with him. It always made him smile. I would tell him to think about fun things or happy things. I would give him a kiss, rub his back for a minute, and go back to bed. I made sure I did the same routine each time and he was able to let whatever anxiety go and fall asleep again. Decide what works for you and them. Then stick to it.

  • Aimee says:

    Oh, I know the lure of mommy’s bed. Every morning at promptly 6am, my 19 month old stands up in his crib and starts asking plaintively, “Lay down mommy bed? Lay down big bed?” If I ignore him, it becomes screaming. Occasionally in my bed he will go back to sleep for an hour, which is like ambrosia. Most times…kicks in the vagina. Yay.

  • kay says:

    I was always relegated to the floor as a child, and I don’t feel bad sending the brats there, but at 7 yrs old she still wants to come and get in bed, having never been aloud there her entire life! she’s scared, she’s sad, she wants her mom…. too freaking bad! call me heartless, but at 7 she can sleep on the floor next to the bed when I’m in a generous mood. otherwise she needs to stay in her own room with her sister at the least, and in her bed at the best (it’s not that mean, she’s not alone! she’s got her sister for company)

    • kay says:

      p.s. brats means I love you, just ask my mother. that’s what she called us growing up, and it was a term of endearment…. supposedly.

  • ree ree magee says:

    Try picking her up and holding her, rock her back to sleep (I know she isn’t a baby and is ZOMG HUGE to hold) but she will get tired of laying on you and will eventually let you put her down. Well, at least that works with my kidlet. Though to be honest, sometimes I’m too fucking tired to deal with that and I succumb to kidney and vagina kicks LOL

    Good luck!

  • I went through this same thing Aunt B. My kid slept with me until she was 4. I was like you…completely against letting your kid sleep with you but like you I didn’t want her to wake all the other damn kids in the house.

    Anyway, my point is once she started school she grew out of it. Also another thing that I did the get the kids to sleep in their own damn beds was let them have tv in their rooms. Yeah, Yeah I know. I suck as a mother. Meanwhile my kids all sleep in their own damn beds now and that’s what counts. My kidneys are alot happier.

    Good luck!

  • Mrs D-Zo says:

    We’re dealing with this too, but mostly because after three months of newborn sleep patterns I’m too damn lazy (and tired) to sleep train. Baby wakes up for a 3 AM feeding and we plop her into bed with us and everyones sleeps until morning.

    Needs to stop? Yes. Blissful right now? Yes.

    • Kimmy says:

      Smart woman. You know he needs to sleep in his own bed, and know better than to try before your getting enough sleep to make him!

  • Sanda says:

    This won’t help much, but one day very soon you will miss that warm little body sleeping (or kicking) you. Of course at 3am this thought sucks .

  • Marta says:

    My 4.5 year old sleeps with us every night. Not exactly by design. He’s goes to bed in his own bed and always has. Then at some point he wakes up and makes it to our bed. This started happening when he was around 3. Since we’re asleep we usually don’t notice and since our bed also contains a 80 lb Weimaraner and a 50 lb black lab we’re used to things kicking us and contorting our bodies around these infiltrates. I can’t say I MIND that he comes in. I think its cute. I MIND the dogs. And I’ve tried to remove them, but unfortunately their stubbornness is one for the books.

    This week my son has decided that in addition to sneaking into our bed at some point at night he undresses from his pajamas, picks a daytime outfit, puts it on, and then comes to bed. ITS THE STRANGEST THING.

  • leanne says:

    No family bed. For the most part. I think about the only time either child has been in our bed has been for daytime napping — like when our son wanted to give up on naps when he was 3 or 4, but he still kinda needed them. He would actually nap on occasion (and we could get a nap in as well — SCORE.). Our daughter… not so much. We’ve pretty much given up on getting her to nap on the weekends.

    Instead of a family bed, we would sometimes climb into their big kid beds if they were having trouble sleeping at night (and yeah, fitting an adult and a child in a twin-sized bed is interesting). But it didn’t happen very often. And less so with our daughter — the last time after about 10-15 minutes she told me to go back to my own bed. That was a few months ago now.

  • katrina says:

    I miss those days………Yeah, of course you don’t sleep as well. For me, after giving birth, i’d wake up for ANY tiny noise anyway, so it made no difference if it was in the next room or in my bed. Looking back, the kicking, crying, poking, hair twisting…all seems so miniscule. What warms my heart, even today (20+ yrs. later)…. is the memory of that warm, cozy loving feeling that we shared.

  • Lauren Elyse says:

    Sick Duckling can join us and I’ll cuddle in her bed while she settles if she’s having a really rough night. But she sleeps in her own bed. It’s important for her to do so.

  • Erica F says:

    We have our bed frame on 3 sets of risers, we can barely get into it, there is no way our kids can lol Thankfully none of my 4 spawn have wanted to sleep with me though. When I was pregnant with #3, I used to nap between the oldest two every day, it was the only way to get my daughter to lay down, we had to pretty much lay on her, she was so terrified she was going to miss something exciting. #2 laid so still we felt totally comfortable letting him sleep on the couch with the cat since 6 months old, that kid never even twitched when he was sleeping, I’d share a bed with him any day lol My youngest, the 5yo, kicks and flings himself about ALL the time, my husband refuses to get within 10 feet of him when he’s sleeping for fear that he’ll get kicked or something lol

  • Momma Chaos says:

    I started out firm and strong.. No kids in the bed ( I was young and naive , apparently). Kid #1 & #2 slept in their own beds with the exception of when we fell asleep in the recliner rocking their bratty butts to sleep. And then we started with the adopted crew and things changed immensely. (I’m numbering by when they joined the family not ages) Kid#3 slept in a cradle right next to our bed, due to her birth issues she didn’t sleep well to begin with but the ONLY time she would sleep was if I was touching her. You wanna talk about a clingy child? We had to Hold Her Flippin FOOT in the car until she was 3 or she’d scream bloody murder.. HAD to be touching me always. Kid #4 had enough medical issues that I wanted him right there so I always knew he was -well still with us. He refused to sleep in the bed but would sleep in his own bed beside us.. Rotten. Kid #5 was a refluxer and slept in a carseat or swing for the first year of life.. Then he promptly climbed into our bed and at 3 ½ still hasn’t left. There were issues (sleep apnea bad enough they wanted a 1yr old on cpap which he still won’t tolerate & now seizures) that helped me allow him to stay in but OMG it’s like sleeping with an octopus. I cannot wait until I can get the monster to sleep in his own bed, hopefully before he hits the smelly teen years! Kid #6 came to us at 5yrs old and thank goodness never has asked/begged for my bed.

  • Crystal says:

    mine started that a few months back too. At first she’d wake me up and now she just crawls in and makes herself comfy. I don’t like it but since I almost never know until I get a kidney kick there isnt much I can do unless I stay aake all night to kick her back to her bed.

  • Valerie Hawthorne says:

    Nope. Not a chance. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

  • I was/am a big supporter of my child sleeping in her own bed. She, like me, talks, walks and beats the crap out of people in her sleep. I have enough problems with insomnia, I don’t need that. When she was a baby, she slept in her own crib in my room. Close enough that I could find the binkie with out getting out of bed, but far enough away and separated by bars so neither one of us ended up with black eyes from each other.

    As she got older and graduated to her own room, I was pretty adamant about her sleeping in her bed. And every morning when I went in to her room to get her dressed and found her laying sideways or completely flipped around and the blankets on the floor, it reinforced the no bed sharing thing.

    Then when she got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes I couldn’t have her near enough. For nearly a year after diagnosis she slept in my room, either on a bed made up on the floor, or in my bed. However, since she still talks and walks and kick boxes in her sleep, that meant that I got no sleep for nearly a year. I was wildly unpleasant to be around.

    I have been pretty judgemental of co-sleeping, because it seems to go hand in hand with not vaccinating and breastfeeding until your child is 30, but I’m trying to readjust my thinking. I’ve been reading lots of stuff about the benefits of co-sleeping and talking to people who do it, trying to become more open minded. However….I still really like having my entire queen-sized bed to myself, so I don’t think I’ll be inviting my kid back to my bed any time soon….ea566

  • kbreints says:

    Yeah– no. I hate sleeping *with* my kids. For some reason the youngest has been ending up in my bed every morning though for quite a while now and luckily it is just right around the time I have to get up anyway.

  • Di says:

    E slept in our bed with us until he was 1 – it was just easier from a boob juice perspective. Then he started getting too big and kicky, so we got him a small-kid bed from Ikea… it has rails on three sides and is smaller than a twin bed. It’s not as high as our bed, so no kicking potential. Sometimes he’ll come up to the “big bed” if he has a bad dream, but mostly he sleeps well in there, knowing we’re close. It’s preemptive.

    • Martha says:

      That’s freaking genius. Mine is 10 months old and too big for the cosleeper but too small for the toddler bed…it’s time she moved out of the family bed…

  • Coco says:

    Girl, please. I’ve never gotten my kid out of our bed, and I finally got sick of trying. Family bed isn’t what I had planned six years into motherhood with my son, but it’s the only way anybody is getting any sleep around here. He will literally wake up and come into our bed if I leave him sleeping alone. Every. Single Night. And walking him back? Keeping the door closed? Cry it out? Ha. Hahahahahahaha. That boy will forgo sleeping entirely. FOR DAYS.

    I figure he’ll move out of our bed sometime around his first sleepover. Or his first girlfriend. Whichever.

    That probably doesn’t make you feel any better, though. Sorry.

  • Melissa says:

    I decided when Evan was barely a zygote that there would be No Family Bed. Because bunking with a toddler is like snuggling with a wolverine having a seizure. and I too love me some sleep. So every time the boy tried to hop in bed with me, I’d toodle him down the hall and back into his own bed. I think there were only a couple really rough nights in there before he figured out that Mom wasn’t caving on this one.

  • Robyn says:

    Mimi can come sleep with me. and my son. and my dog. We will all have a wonderful night’s sleep whilst being kicked in the face. and the kidney. and the vagina. I’ve gotten used to it.

  • Erin says:

    I started out as one of those YAYYY FAMILY BED WEEE! mothers and now my kid is almost two it’s more like, HOW AM I GOING TO GET HIM OUT OF THIS BED? His “lovey” is my ear, and believe it or not having your ears rubbed in the middle of the night makes getting kicked in the vagina look like a spa day. It’s utter torture, but it’s the only way to get ANY sleep at all.

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