Besides, “how does ANYONE put up with you*?” and “would you describe yourself as more achingly or hauntingly beautiful**?” people are always interested to know why the fuck I call myself Aunt Becky.

Because I am Your Aunt Becky. I adopted you. Sorry about that. The upside is, the Internet is a large place and it’s entirely likely that I WON’T show up on your doorstep on Thanksgiving in a festive Christmas Sweater, reeking of vodka and vomit, demanding that you cook me some motherfucking stuffing because I have other nieces and nephews to annoy. The downside is that I might.

There’s plenty of Aunt Becky to go around.

But I wasn’t ALWAYS Aunt Becky. Before I was Aunt Becky, I was Stimpy on my old blog, Mushroom Printing, when I could remember to be all cloak-and-daggery about my name. Pashmina, who I talk about here as my college roommate and the person I humiliated with the Butt Sex Check, was Ren.

When I moved here, I was just Becky. Because it’s my name and it’s full of The Awesome the way it lilts off the tongue, you know? Anyway.

Proving my theory that people with half a brain can pick any-fucking-thing to be incensed about, one day I was commenting on a friend’s blog and I saw someone else named Becky. Well, I thought to myself. Her parents were obviously very smart for naming her that. She must be a rocket scientist with a name like that!

Skimming the comment left by my new friend–I already had our slumber parties planned out because we just HAD to be friends–I sighed when I realized that she couldn’t spell to save herself and her grammar appeared to have been pecked out by a blind mole rat, but I decided that in the name of our friendship, I’d forage onward!

Several days later, revisiting the blog of our mutual friend, I happily checked the comments to see if my new BFF had commented, eager to see if she’d seen that she had a friend in me! I was shocked to note that where the space for “name” had been previous filled with “Becky” it now said “THE REAL BECKY” and the comment made hideous references to an IMPOSTOR BECKY.

Then she had the audacity to make some snide remarks about me and the “cussing” on my blog and how tasteless I was!

Oh HELL NO Becky, oh HELL NO you didn’t. For your information, I do not “cuss,” I fucking swear. I will be put down by someone who can spell without the aid of a spell checker, and I will happily correct my own grammar with a motherfucking SMILE on my motherfucking face when it’s pointed out tactfully to me, but I will NOT be put in my place by someone who accuses me of PRETENDING to be some toothless mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, slack-jawed yokel who happens to go by the 22nd most popular name of 1980. The year I was born.

Fucking bitch probably collected Precious Moments dolls.

Like I’d MAKE UP MY NAME OR SOMETHING.

What, you want proof or something?
becky sherrick harks

No, I am not cross-eyed. It’s the water damage distorting the view of my AWESOMENESS. And no, no one had just threatened to kill me if I smiled. SHOCKING.

Maybe I was just remembering my earlier years. Like this one:

aunt becky mommy wants vodka

When my parents had BRUTALLY made me pose in front of a bear like that. Look at the mock terror on my toddler face!

Or maybe I was thinking about this:

aunt becky mommy wants vodka

The time when I was left with the creepy guy who I wanted to get away from.

(he was actually my dad, and I was TRYING to get into the greenhouse)

Anyway.

So, I figured that I’d have a couple of different personas for my blog and change them around depending on my mood. I’d be Smoove B one day, Aunt Becky for a week and The Notorious BEX the next. Sometimes, I’d just be Becky, As Herself. Or Becky, In Real Life.

Well, guess which one stuck? (hint: it’s not The Daver) Can’t be all bad. Especially since it means that I’ll never have to cook for the holidays ever again.

Are you a nickname person on The Internet? Do you go by something else on your blog other than your real name? How did you come up with your nickname? Also, should I cock-punch The Other Becky***?

—————

*Bad karma in a past life OBVIOUSLY

*Why have OR when you can have AND?

***I swear on all that I am that I am not lying. If I could find the blog, I’d show you the comment but I never went back because I knew my head would explode.

Comments are love, or some bullshit like that. Either way, they make my heart happy. leaving a comment and SUBSCRIBE to my RSS feed or I will send my Chicago "friends" after you, yo.

64 Responses to The Evolution of Aunt Becky

  • BRay says:

    Daddy wants beer!

  • Charity says:

    Aunt Becky, you are hilarious! I like your style. And, yes, I think you should cock-punch The Other Becky. Bitches with bad grammar need a swift kick in the kitty.

  • Aunt Becky, we just met and I already can’t get enough of you. I go by CMG and A on the internet. Mostly to avoid crazy stalkers. I’m pretty irresistable.

  • It’s hard out there for a Becky, yo.

    I have a Becky’s Club on my sidebar. We don’t do anything, really, but one day we will. Maybe.

    Okay, fine, it’s just a list of Beckys because we decided Sir Mix-a-lot ruined everything for us a few years back and now we have to stick together. Can I add you to our Becky Club?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Dude, YES! Someday, we Becky’s will RULE THE WORLD. Do you have the Real Becky on there? Because SHE would be incensed that you had OTHER Becky’s. She’s the only one, you know.

    • Becky says:

      Damn I’m glad I’m not the only Becky out there who thinks the fucker ruined shit for us.

  • Emily says:

    You should totally cock punch her. And I’m going to seriously watch you do it. Not only did she collect Precious Moment dolls, but she probably also wore a Whinnie the Pooh t-shirt and Ked tennis shoes. Idiot. I hate her. Now I’m trying to think of a cool name for my blog. But everyone who reads it (all five of them) knows its me.

  • Momlissa says:

    I am loving your blog, your swearing, your brutal honesty, all of it.

    My husband bestowed “Momlissa” on me (real name is Melissa). I think he wrote it on a post it (I love you, Momlissa) as an apology for some stupid, lame thing he had done. The post it stayed on the kitchen tile for months and when it was time to change my online persona (daughter was 1 yr old and I was expecting twins), Momlissa seemed to fit the bill. I was dynagirl68 in a former life, because I was convinced that only cool people would know who dynagirl meant. Turned out I was right and it was an incredibly effective way to weed out lame people (mostly guys, I was big into internet dating at the time).

  • 3xEMonkey says:

    3xEMonkey is a tribute to the awesome name I collected during the wedding. I went from “Broadwater” to “Tripoli” with one swoop of the pen. Tripoli… triple E, get it? Huh, huh?
    The Monkey came because I was in an improv troupe in college called Cult of the Stage Monkey. We call each other Monkeys, so I was monkeyeliza, but by e-mail only. No one *called* me that until The Hub, when we were just dating and sinning together, started tickling me one day, and in a fit of laughter and trying to squirm away, I spazzed out and smacked my head into the window-sill. He laughed and coddled me, saying only, “Aww, Monkey bashed her brains in.” And it stuck. He’s called me Monkey ever since.

  • heydave says:

    Another Becky dissin’ you? Just way the word: http://jerseycircus.blogspot.com/2010/09/deep.html

  • Mary says:

    I think an on-line support group for women that promotes honesty, bacon, and vodka (responsibly, of course) is awesome. As well as fruit flavored vodka. mysteryj = MJ, my initals and it means that I am still trying to figure myself out.
    More about why I love Aunt Becky on my blog. If I get readers, maybe one of them can kick my butt (not hard to do, it’s like the side of a barn) so I will keep up with it. Not a really exciting blog, but it’s honest.

  • Vicki says:

    Sometimes I use vickilikesfrogs (my email and twitter) but mostly I just use my real name, which is (duh) Vicki. Which kinda sounds like Becky if you think about it and you’re looped up on robitussin! Wish I could think of a cool spin to put on it, though, like your Aunt Becky. How ’bout Cousin Vicki? Nah, lame. Mama Vicki? (I just threw up in my mouth a little, but that could be the robitussin). Hellz, I give up. Anyhoo, you’re the shiz, Aunt Becky!

  • Mommy Boots says:

    I’ve been trying to adopt the identity of Mommy Boots but really my name is Natalie. I suck at being anonymous and mysterious. Plus I like to say my own name, because I’m narcissistic like that.

  • Katie says:

    Aunt Becky rocks! I just discovered you and love your site! My online name is Katya646 usually. It’s a variation of Katie and works for me.

    But I dig ya and I agree that you should inflict serious harm on *The other Becky*.

    You know, in High School there was a girl in a bunch of my classes who was also named Katie. Finally one year, she was so tired of us both being Katie that she switched her nickname to Kate for the rest of her life. I think I won. :)

  • Sarah Martha says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    I love your blog so much I want to marry it. I go by the name Sarah Martha when I’m fighting terrorism the best way I know how, which is to whip up a quick Asparagus Casserole.

    The real me is a slightly frazzled and unfocused Cassandra who really hopes you like my 6th attempt at blogging. I absolutely ADORE your style and you are my new hero. I will be stalking your page regularly.

    Kind Regards,
    Sarah Martha Stuart Sunshine

  • pia says:

    I love love love this explanation and your blog

    I’ve been blogging for six years. About teo years ago a pia commented on four of my best blogging friends blogs. So I read her blog. She called all those blogs out for their excellence, no others, and said she had no idea how she came across them.
    My best friends but not me. I was a bit hurt especially as it was obvious she must have done a google search for the name “pia” and I come up a lot. Nobody has to like my blog but if you’re going to like my friends–well I’m imperfect and working on not being the only “pia”

  • Kristi says:

    Yo Aunt Becky!

    How dare she? I mean ferreals.

    I go by Tisti online because my (now 13 year old) niece couldn’t say Kristi when learning to talk. So I’m Tisti everywhere now.

    So anonymous! LOL.

  • You RAWK Aunt Becky! Totally my new IDOL and you now reside on that pedestal right next to my raunchy swearin mama jedi rawkin Pixel Lation!! (more on her later, but obviously she rawks the awesome too)
    Having multiple personalities is totally full of the awesome. I’ve been swinging between character traits and writing styles and I already realized there are about six of me. So making users for each of them would probably help readers keep it all straight.
    My first nick was SunRa. That’s when I was all uber love n lighty transcendental sunny RA. It’s in my real name SaUNdRA, so I thought it was pretty cool. It’s also my DJ name. So yah, you can book me to spin at your family reunion cruise. ;)
    After I gave birth to my fifth child a friend of mine commented on a couple post delivery pics I posted and gave me my new title of Mama Jedi. I thought it was so uber cool I went right out and purchased the domain name. HA!
    You’re teaching me a lot Aunt Becky. I’m so glad I stumbled over you. (Hope it didn’t hurt too much)

  • missfern says:

    Why has no one commented on the incredible awesomeness of the bear photo??? Aunt Becky, please thank your parents for me. That has to be one of the best photos I’ve seen in ages. Brilliant, simply brilliant.

  • My parents named me something even worse then Dead Cow Girl. Actually, it was just my mom. Dad swears he wasn’t in the room and was under the impression that my name was to be Jennifer. Proof positive that women who accept all offered options of pain management during child birth should not be left alone with a blank birth certificate and a pen.

    And hell yeah you should cock punch that little bitch.

  • Cici says:

    Holy, you’re funny! You should punch her in the ovaries. Btw…don’t kick my ass, I am originally from Wisconsin. Lived in IL for a while and now an Okie…anyway…You’ve got a great sense of humor, I have a feeling your blog is going to be a fun one to watch…

    Cici is my current personality…grew up going by Bubs (I know, right…don’t judge me), Colleen to the regulars. I tell my kids I use Cici in different arenas because it is really my initials and it is just easy for me to remember. Truth is…it’s my stripper name. Not that I was ever a stripper, but if I were, I would be called Cici.
    Sooo, in the life I pretend to live it is Cici…

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  • Andie
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    I’d be outraged. That’s some presumption of other Becky to assume she’s the real one. Bah.

    I have severe Multiple Personality Disorder when it comes to online persona’s but my current one is Yandie, Goddess of Pickles, which usually gets shortened to Yandie, or occasionally Pickles. I’ve also been known to go as Little Miss Creant.

  • Becky’s weird. Real Becky, I mean….wait….that’s not right….Becky#2? Whatever Becky is not Aunt Becky, she’s the weird one. There is probably a good reason for it. There usually is. Anyway, alias internet names. No, I don’t use one:-)

  • Alicia Quisenberry says:

    Yay a new (well to me) blog to entertain me during nap time! Once upon a time I was Daizy16 online cause In Jr High I decided I wanted to be known as Daizy (yes with a Z!) and I was 16 when I set up my first e-mail address. In the time since I’m just plain old Alicia, if it’s a good enough name for me it’s a good enough name for everyone else to know too! Love your Blog and look forward to reading more!

  • I have to say that I stumbled across your blog, quite by accident. The Babe led me to you. I have not laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks for being the awesomeness that you are….yes my grammar can be terrible and yes….I use the spell checker often…forgive me!!

  • Vic says:

    Oh my, I think I’m in love.

    Just kidding.

    I’ve just come across your blog and just wanted to say hi. I’m Vic (short for Victoria). Plain old Vic. Nothing fancy. I’ve tried blogging in the past, but obviously have commitment issues since that last for say 5 months!

    Anyhow, thank you for sharing your experiences and your life. Will comment more soon :)

  • Ameena says:

    Aunty Becky – you are awesome. I needed to be adopted. I’m so relieved that someone wanted me?

    I love your blog!

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  • What, my real name? says:

    I use Katie Baker because it’s a translation of my real name. Katie for Catherine and a “fournier” in old French is the man who tends the village bake oven. If I ever refer to my husband, Peter, he’s Rocky Baker. Pierre, Rock, get it?

  • Jess says:

    It’s weird because I don’t really have any nicknames for myself online, but I have a plethora of them in real life. And for my friends. One of my greatest talents is making up the most contrived, annoying-ass nicknames for people who I guilt into loving me. I’m pretty adorable, you see.

    I’m not a Becky however. Sorry. It’s a pretty cool name though. Almost as cool as Jessica.

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  • Jasmine says:

    …and THEN I totally peed my pants. Not because I am pregnant with a baby head pushing on my bladder, but because you are amazing. AH MAZING!

  • Sarah says:

    I just finished a book by Lucy Maude Montgomery and one of the main characters in the book was Aunt Becky.

  • Samantha M. says:

    Aunt Becky, I’d like to introduce myself. I’m Aunt Sam. I think I’m going to like it here. I bring my own vodka, so we’ll be fine. In the halcyon 14.4 baud days of early AOL (I’m a 1981 vintage myself), I used about every version of “Stormy” I could get away with. Then I got my first Hotmail address and cleverly used “sugarbear” out of a semi-obscure Elton John song and a vaguely dirty combination of numbers. I’ll skip the fanfic years…it was bad. Now, I’ve happily settled into my stripper name, Busty Charms. But to all of my wayward friends, the kind you want to hug and sort of suffocate at the same time, I’m Aunt Sam. I’ll leave you with the nugget of wisdom I impart to everyone: Being social breeds disease.

  • Blazngfyre says:

    Hello Aunt Becky! I don’t exactly remember HOW I found you (drunken stupor perhaps?!), but I do know that you are now my favorite ‘relative’!

    As you can tell, I DO have a nickname.
    I’ve had it since 1990-something, but has undergone a few variations.
    I was given the nickname almost 20 years ago from an old lover ….. I just changed the spelling.
    My current variation on my blog, BlazngScarlet was to combine me and the Marvel Comics character Scarlet Witch (A totally obscure X-MEN character).

    I hope to see you at my vodka fountain …. just bring your own glass.

  • Sooz says:

    I love this mother fucking blog and how much mother fucking swearing and overall debauchery there is b/c I too am a mother fucker who likes to live in a cynical sarcastic world. Thanks for lifting me outta the doldrums each and every mother fucking day.

  • Miss Becky says:

    Of course one Becky would ruin it for all! Lame.

    On the internet I generally go by Rebecca. Real life I go by many things – Becky (of course since that’s the greatest name ever), Bec, Becks, Miss Becky, and only very close friends and my mother are allowed to call me Becca. Anyone else will get a swift punch in the teeth.

  • Lost Lilly says:

    I love your blogs Aunt Becky. You are fucking awesome!

  • Miranda says:

    I’ve always wanted an Aunt Becky! So glad I found you, bitch! :D :D

  • Debbie says:

    Oh my goodness are you hilarious! This is by far the best blog I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. I’ll be back often, Aunt Becky, you can count on that. And I will be happy to share!

  • Becky H. says:

    Just wanted to say that I absolutely LOVE your blog. I also love to read your articles on The Stir. Thanks for always giving me something to smile and to often laugh about. I can relate with some of your challenges as I have an autistic son who is 4. Also, it is refreshing to see someone openly voice their opinions! I will definately keep reading! Thanks so much for the great posts!

  • Super Awesome Candace says:

    I think i just peed my self. (not from lack of bladder control- if that were the case, i would not have noticed it, for i would wear good diapers.) My thanks.

  • Uncle Danny (daddy) says:

    I love the way you say “motherfucker”. One of my faves, Auntie.

  • The other Becky should clearly have her name usurped from here. She doesn’t deserve it. I love your high school I.D. Your hair is awesome.

  • Michael Rochelle
    Twitter: mikeyllo
    says:

    That is hilarious. Someone really bothered to change their posting name because someone else shared the same name? Really? Well, who knows where that Becky is, but she isn’t as special and entertaining as our Aunt Becky…who is somehow younger than me…and of a different race…but the point is, you’re The Real Aunt Becky!!!

  • Scroogy says:

    Aunt Becky, as someone whose real name was actually given to 1 out of every 3 children with vaginas in the 1970s, I totally understand you. I too, have the need to be segregated from the pack of other friggin Jens. Yes. Jennifer. I blame the movie Love Story.
    And maybe no other Jens have trolled my blog or stalked my comments yet, but that stupid character in the aforementioned stupid movie said the most stupid thing ever, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry”
    Ugh… Well, whatevs. I am a new fan of your blog. I love you. And I’m really sorry you were scarred for life by that bear statue. Meh.

  • Christine says:

    I just discovered your blog. And I absolutely love it. I can’t see the pictures on this post because the anti-virus software on my work computer thinks that photos of your beauty are a threat to my software. Or is it hardware? *suggestive wink* (Not that I have any “ware” to get hard. I just have a strong compulsion to hit on you right now. And I’m not even gay. You’re that great.) I’ll stop talking now.

    Also, cock-punch her. Hard. In the tits. (Wrong location? You’re so awesome, you can cock-punch her in the tits.

  • Mel
    Twitter: OUBad
    says:

    I haven’t told you this in a while, but I fucking love you.

    You crack me up and I fucking love you.

    That’s all. Carry on with your bad-assery. :)

  • Doug Colosio says:

    Very impressive and bizarre.. Do people still play honky tonk piano? LOL!

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  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    Would you please smash the Precious Moments dolls of the Other Becky? And then cock punch her. On video, so I could enjoy it over and over again?

    My real name is Jen, which was the most popular name for like a decade. So I didn’t want to use it on the internet because it’s never felt like just mine. For a long time I was jerseygirl89 because I didn’t know any other Jerseygirls when I lived in Kansas. And then they started popping up all over the internet. Now I’m TripleZmom, mainly because I’m the only person I know who gave all her kids Z names and I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t already taken.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    there is only one Aunt Becky

  • Joules says:

    Holy balls, that pic looks like Amelia went back back in time. You are her and she is you!

  • Judy Susan says:

    I had forgotten just how funny you are. I haven’t haunted my old haunts in a very long time.. and have changed my blog several times. Much has gone on. You know me as OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE..

    I’ll be haunting you and catching up.. just so ya know!

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  • Mishka
    Twitter: MishkaOP
    says:

    Definitely a cock punch is due…what an ass. I am enjoying the read for sure…found you from a recommendation from my sister (who is a huge lurker).

    I use Mishka or MishkaOP online in every place except for Facebook (where I use my first and middle name instead of last name). When I set up my first blog in 2005, Mishka was just the natural choice for my online identity. Mishka is the nickname I grew up with because apparently it is like Michael in Russian which is what I would have been named if I had been a boy (Michael, not Mishka). My mom started calling me that and it stuck for life. Those that know me in real life know who Mishka is and those that don’t can’t suck it…haha. I prefer to stay away from real names on the Internet since there are some seriously crazy fucks out there, and you never know if they are on the wifi next door.

  • Kathryn says:

    Wow…the response and adulation is overwhelming. If some people aren’t careful, they may drink their own Kool Aid…Cherry.

    Thank God you chose Vodka over Kool Aid! Yo…truely, you are a brave soul and I appreciate you getting well enough to start this website.

    I was about to die I’m purdy sure.

    So, Thank you for your service and all the work you do. xxoo

  • Nat Marie says:

    I found your site on the bloggie awards site…Should’ve voted for you before submitting my ballot. This is full of awesomeness.

  • deb says:

    So funny, and I grew up in DeKalb, so surprised to see you from st. Charles.

  • Ryen says:

    I go by a portion of my real name as a (lame) sense of security. I now live in a really, really small town and heaven forbid these people figure out the internet. I guess for now while I am starting up my blog, I’m convincing myself I will be more authentic this way. (Keep telling myself that, right?) LOVE your blog, been a fan for years. You are the shit and can be my Aunt Becky forever.

  • Michael says:

    I discovered your site because my new therapist sent me the sections on destructive narcissistic parents and in just a few days, it has helped me tremendously. i hope my comments to others are helpful as well (although I haven’t been able to register yet – tried 2 times with different usernames). But as Ryen has said above, “You are the shit and can be MY Aunt Becky forever!” In all seriousness, thanks for being you and thanks for this site!

    Michael – a former college teacher, artist, writer, model (legit), porn model and adult entertainment produce/director (guess that’s not so “legit” but it’s who I am and I’m tired of proving myself to anyone!)

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