My name is Becky Sherrick Harks, and this is my, blog Mommy Wants Vodka. Not quite – but close – to the most boring blog on the Internet. This is 100 boring things about me; Your Aunt Becky.
Also: if you’re looking to buy an ad, email ads.mommywantsvodka.com.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Don’t Call It A Life List, Because Life Lists Are Bullshit.
1. Pants – like life-lists – are totally bullshit.
2. In July 2012, after being together nearly 10 years, my husband and I decided to get a divorce.
3. I guess Mommy Needs Vodka, but I think it’s mostly that Vodka Needs Mommy.
4. Orange Flavored Hostess cupcakes are the best food in the world.
6. When my kids get older, I am going back to school to pursue my dream: becoming a microbiologist. Or one of those people that directs planes.
7. I hate saying, “I have a dream,” because it makes me sound like I’m about twelve. Or about to say something REALLY important, which I’m never about to do.
8. Because I hate sick people, I make a terrible nurse, which is why I retired from the profession at age twenty-five.
9. Diamonds really ARE a girl’s best friend.
10. I’d happily start a PICC line of coffee just because.
11. I’m happily addicted to diet Coke.
12. For my fake thirtieth birthday, I went to Vegas. I did NOT, however, see Tom Jones. Instead, I saw Leonard Cohen.
13. Seeing Leonard Cohen at Cesar’s Palace in Las Vegas was probably the highlight of 2010 and a life-changing experience. Because obviously.
14. Ending sentences by explaining nothing is awesome.
15. If you want to mock my love of Rod Stewart, that’s okay. I can’t hear you. I’m too busy listening to “You’re In My Heart,” on repeat while crooning lovingly into my collection of Rod Stewart records.
16. I’m kinda Doctor Doolittle with animals, except not like Eddie Murphy, because that would be creepy.
17. What the fuck is a “life list?”
18. I hate raw meat.
19. Kids music is created by Satan himself.
20. I have 4 tattoos: one per foot and a gigantic phoenix on my back.
No, I do NOT have a foot-fetish.
21. I’m planning out my next tattoo. On my arm. Which is one of those things I’d always wanted but was never sure I had the balls to do. You know what? I have the balls. Imma do it.
And I did:
22. In 2010, I changed my birthday because my REAL birthday is cursed.
It’s now July 28, 1980. I am never going to celebrate my birthday again.
23. My eldest is autistic.
24. Thanks to this page, people are always finding my blog after searching for “boring things.” That makes me love the Internet so much more.
25. Purple should be a flavor, dammit.
26. When I was an wee thing, I downed a whole bottle of grape cough syrup when my parents weren’t looking. Then I had to drink Ipecac. Kids are stupid as hell.
27. I still shudder when I smell that damn fake grape flavor.
28. I grow orchids. My orchids are more than a hobby. They’re kind of an obsession.
29. I should probably be ashamed by how much I love to vacuum. Also: I am not one of those 50’s housewives, even though I’m starting to sound like it.
30. Gardening is one of those Old Lady hobbies I picked up in lieu of knitting, which I would totally suck at. Gardening runs in my blood and my orchids and roses could probably kick your ass.
31. I am allergic to bees, latex and shellfish. Oh, and mornings. Totally mornings. And honest work. I’m also allergic to that. And cooking. Totally allergic to cooking.
32. My daughter was born with an extremely rare neural tube defect called an encephalocele.
33. This means that while her neural tube was developing, something sinister happened, and her skull was malformed. Some brain tissue ended up growing outside of her brain from her malformed posterior fontanelle.
34. She had neurosurgery at 1 month of age and is being followed closely by the state to see if she’s suffered any ill-effects from this rare condition.
35. I’ve never mastered fractions.
36. I’d prefer to have too much to do than not enough to do. And stuff that doesn’t involve cleaning up after someone else.
37. Cooking is bullshit.
38. I am so uncoordinated that I was afraid that neither of my kids could find their way out of the womb. Thankfully, they all did (with a bit of medical coaxing).
39. Here’s what I can tell you after many years of blogging.
40. If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d probably never get out of bed.
41. My hair is so thick that I have to have my stylist thin it out. Otherwise, I might resemble the last white chick on the planet with an afro. I think the idea, while appealing in theory, would be quite ridiculous in execution.
42. As far as I’m concerned, no food is too spicy.
43. And I think McDonald’s is my favorite dinner.
44. People should spend more time allowing their kids to BE kids.
45. Purging my closet is the best thing ever. One time, I found diamonds.
46. Turns out that if you get a subscription to Playboy “for the articles?” You’ll probably never read it.
47. I have three kids. I’m done for now until I have a Love Child some day. Because, obviously.
48. I couldn’t be more thrilled to have a daughter after having had two sons, but I admit, I’m hoping we don’t war too much when she becomes a teenager.
49. I hate brass and wallpaper. I haven’t seen brass wallpaper, so I can’t be sure how I feel about it.
50. I’m a beast in the mornings.
51. I think if I could only have two foods for the rest of my life it would be Cherry Pez, Orange Hostess Cupcakes and Diet Coke. Oh wait. That’s three.
52. If this were my diet, I’d be sure to have scurvy and rickets. But then I could talk like a pirate, which would totally make up for it.
53. If I don’t write something on my blog most days of the week, I feel like my arm is hanging off.
54. Vodka is kinda awesome.
55. We don’t live in Redneck Country, but I love Miller High Life Lite. If you look up classy in the dictionary, my picture is probably there.
56. I was born here.
57. I grew up here and after a year away I’m back. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
58. I once fixed a toilet with a paper clip. It was awesome and I felt all MacGuyver-y for a whole hour!
59. If they manufactured a bleach-scented room spray, I would totally buy it in bulk. I love bleach (don’t give me this “bleach alternative” bullshit).
60. My favorite word of all time is “fuck.” And not because I can’t think of anything else smarter to say, but because I think it’s the world’s most perfect word.
61. I hate video games. Mainly because I currently have in my home like seventeen different systems.
62. I’m terrified to sell stuff on eBay. I think it’s because of the grifters. And shipping stuff. I suck at that.
63. I call my blog a “blob,” because I think it sounds way awesomer than, “I am totally the world’s best person because I write a blog about my cats.”
64. I genuinely think laughter is the best medicine. Aside from whiskey. And Vicodin. And Vicodin Chip Cookies.
65. I am colorblind. This should give me a pass for some of my worst fashion ensembles, for my kids and I both. But until I test them, I fear my children may have inherited it. Poor kids.
66. Everything should be bedazzled.
67. I missed my Junior prom because I was too wasted at a party and we all genuinely forgot about it. We were naked hottubbing.
68. I showed up blisteringly high to my ACT’s and still manage to spank it. The Gods were smiling merrily down upon me that day.
69. I hate the color orange partially because it was a school color, but mainly because it just sucks and should be banned.
70. I went to high school where that huge mold outbreak occurred.
71. I love cantaloupe, but I hate the texture. Makes me gag. Yogurt does the same thing, although I can’t say that I love it. I choke it down while dieting because it’s good for me. Or it better be.
72. Without a doubt, my favorite color has been and will likely always be pink.
73. I have a ridiculous obsession with expensive purses and diamonds.
74. Which is weird when you consider that I also do most of the manual work around the house.
75. My obsession with Anthony Bourdain has NOTHING to do with eating or cooking – I’m just impressed he managed to work the word “pube” into his show.
76. The first two albums I bought when I was a kid were Pearl Jam’s Ten and The Red Hot Chili Peppers Blood Sugar Sex Magic. I still listen to them.
77. I am not to be trusted with CD’s or DVD’s. I ruin them.
78. I often have dreams that I’m being chased by the Mafia. Perhaps it’s the Chicago in me, or maybe I’m a reincarnated Mafia Princess. Or a princess of some sort.
79. Sparkly is totally a color.
80. I’m completely terrified of earwigs. It’s like a phobia. I dread the time of year that they start coming out because I know I’m going to have to run into them and kill them and before that EWW.
81. Going to the gym and putting the hurt on myself is so incredibly satisfying to me.
82. Spaghetti Sauce makes me gag. Actually, anything in a can makes me gag.
83. I’m allergic to any metal except for platinum and gold.
84. I loathe yellow gold; but am starting to warm to rose gold.
85. I helped dissect a cadaver in my A and P class because I was Super Becky Overachiever.
86. I was a teacher’s assistant for Inorganic, Organic, and Biochemistry.
87. I made a terrible nurse and I’ve never regretted walking away from it.
88. I have nerve damage from lifting an obese patient.
89. In high school, I had a backpack that had “Slayer Rules” written on it.
90. I have a “Dresses for Amelia” line in my budget. Which means she’s going to grow up to be a tom-boy.
91. I traveled across Europe twice with my orchestra. As Continental as this sounds, I don’t actually think we were very good.
92. I’m probably going to move to California to start a disco band.
93. I hate the color green, although many of the rooms in my house are painted that color.
94. When my kids are older, I’m going to get a Jeep Wrangler.
95. I got a full abdominoplasty in November of 2010. I’m thrilled by this.
96. I could drink vinegar by the bottle. I read somewhere on the Internet (so you know it’s true!) that craving vinegar means that you have liver problems. Or kidney problems. Or something.
97. I don’t often wear makeup but I always wear perfume.
98. I have a slight obsession with flip-flops.
99. I enjoy popping pimples so much that I’m often told I should have been a dermatologist. But I will never be one because they’re all so creepy. Dermatologists, not pimples.
100. I have a wicked sense of humor and laugh at just about everything you can think of.
You deserve a cookie if you got to the bottom of this. Or bourbon. Or a cookie dipped in bourbon. So get one and come on back and tell Your Aunt Becky about YOU.
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Stealing causes the clap.