I’ve said it before, and I’ve meant it every time: I don’t tend to win stuff. I mean, I win at LIFE and all that, but that’s one of those things people say to The Losers when really they’re snickering behind your back because shit, no, you really don’t win anything. Sucks to be YOU.

Here is a brief rundown of the things I have not–and will not–won:

  • The Lottery. While I don’t ever PLAY it, I’m as shocked as you to report, they don’t just give you the winnings for saying off-handedly to the overweight and stoned cashier that you’d like to win it one day as you bought your large Diet Coke.
  • My 3rd Grade classes 3-legged race. Because I fell down and ruined it all. Hey, what else is new?
  • Prom Queen. Because I was too busy being drunk and hot-tubbing at a party to remember to get all gussied up and shake my booty to a PG version of “Brown Eyed Girl” with the whole “makin’ love in the green grass” part taken out. Because THINK OF THE CHILDREN! *cue handwringing*
  • The genetics that would make me 5’11 with long blonde hair (that is always romantically windblown, even inside), a teeny waist, and a nice rack.
  • Class President. Now, I wasn’t campaigning for it, nor would I have wanted to actually BE Class President, but I need to tell you that there was no grass-roots movement to get me elected. I KNOW, right? The UNFAIRNESS of it all.
  • An Heiress. I’m not really particular about which family, so long as I can sleep in a vault of money and pay someone to wipe my butt after I poo. While I know this isn’t something that’s really “won,” it’s another example of how wanting something badly enough doesn’t do any good.

After all, not everyone can be an astronaut.

When I was nominated for Funniest Blogger, a contest I didn’t even know was going on until a sweet Twitter Gnomie put me up for it, I was shocked. I told The Daver that I was now up for the award and then proceeded to laugh as I listed my competition. Because the competition should have kicked my lily-white ass to the curb and then made me buy it breakfast at IHOP.

And yet.

And somehow.

I won.

I tied for winner with Cake Wrecks, which is pretty much saying that Dooce and I won the same award. It’s like winning something alongside THE POPE. Which, hi, not going to happen. Except when it does. Because it did.

I’m as shocked as you are.

I’ll give you a minute to let this sink in because I’m still all, “I thought Punk’d went off the air when the dude from it married that old lady from Ghost.”






Done? Angrily writing nasty-grams to the organizers of the Social Luxe awards informing them of how very wrong their decisions were? I kind of want to send one myself, although, not for Cake Wrecks. They were a shoo-in. Starting hate blogs devoted to me yet? Telling Barrack Obama that he should fire me from life?

But no. They’re never going to pry the awesome award out of my nubbly little fingers as long as I live and breathe. I’m considering naming the trophy something like, “Bob” or “Earl” or “Princess Grace of Monaco” and sleeping with it at night. Maybe I’ll take it for carriage rides and long walks on the beach; maybe I’ll dress it in the teeny-tiny new baby clothes that my children will never wear again. Maybe I will take it out to dinner in lieu of going with my family members.

Because that’s what Winners do, right?


Wait, I thought you were up for Funniest LOOKING Blogger, Mom!


Nom, nom, nom, so THAT’S what victory tastes like. Hm. Minty.


Keep your hands off my deranged looking husband, and I will cut a bitch if you go near my award. I have a feeling absolutely no one will try and touch the award now. He’s like my own personal vault. Only human.

Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me, even if you’d interpreted it as the Funniest LOOKING Blogger. I really, honestly couldn’t have done this without you. Shut up! I am NOT crying! I have ALLERGIES. And a GLANDULAR problem, people!


Here are the other winners as I don’t think they’ve been put up online yet. You should absolutely go and check them all out:

Blogs We’ve Learned the Most From: I Heart Faces & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Most Inspiring Blog: Nie Nie Dialogues & The Spohrs are Multiplying

Most Provocative Blog: The Bloggess & Her Bad Mother

Tastiest Blog : This Week For Dinner & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Funniest Blog: Cake Wrecks & Mommy Wants Vodka

Best Eye Candy Blog: I Should Be Folding Laundry & whatever

Guiltiest Pleasure Blog: MamaPop & Craftastrophe

84 thoughts on “Because I Win At LIFE

  1. I didn’t think you were up for Funniest LOOKING Blogger, I knew it was FUNNIEST! Congrats to you and all the winners!

    That awar is very cute. As is the one munching on it.

  2. Pingback: Posts about Dooce as of July 26, 2009 » The Daily Parr
  3. I know I tweeted you my congrats, the other night, but I’m sure it got lost in all the confetti and shit – but I don’t mind saying it again (in more than 140 characters): Congratulations! I think you should put it on one of those rapper-style humongous gold chains and wear it whenever you go to the emergency room – THAT will command respect. And put them on notice… 😀

  4. Congratulations!

    I read about your award on Cake Wrecks and came here to see what the ruckus was about. True story.

    At first, I was confused. How could a blog be funny without pictures of Cake FAIL? But after reading MWV, my eyes are opened. You are now in my blog reader. On speed dial. I’d even put you above Cake Wrecks but the list gets sorted alphabetically, so you’d need to change your name to something starting with a B.

    See? Winning is good press and gets you new readers. Not that you need readers–you won, so apparently many people already know about non-cake-based humor. I’m still getting used to the idea. But congratulations again. You are the winner. And you did it without cake, which also means you win the tie.

  5. Finally all that bribery paid off! I kid, I kid. Well done. I voted for you like 8732498237598423759843275 times. Just a little more proof that you’re pretty kick ass.

  6. Congratulations! Cake Wrecks actually linked YOUR blog in her list of winner announcements and here I am. I’ve put you in my Google Reader and am looking forward to your blog! 🙂

  7. Which just goes to show that no one can touch Aunt Becky for The Funny. (except CW of course, but I think I’d rather be here than there), because what you have, beyond The Funny, is heart and that makes all the difference.

  8. ACCCCKKKK!!!! OhMyGosh! Congratulations, that’s so much fun! I’m so happy for you. And I agree with RJ Flamingo – it’s just *begging* to be made in to jewelry 🙂

  9. Are you at BlogHer to accept your award? Do you have a long and wonderful speech dotted with funny things and amusing anecdotes in the offing??

    and just look at Amelia’s chunky monkey baby legs and sausage toes!! Nom, nom, nom is right!!

  10. Totally cool. Totally deserved.
    Woo hoo!!
    And you know, I had NO idea people got really real awards for those things. So that’s pretty awesome. Like you. 😉

  11. Hooray for Aunt Becky! Does this mean we can say we knew ya when…? I can’t think of anyone who deserves awards and lots of praise and money more than you, babe. I mean, a blogger who gets tons of hits and comments, yet still actually goes and reads OTHER blogs and even sometimes comments there, too?! You’re a rarity, and a gem. And those pictures? Fucking hilarious and totally adorable.

  12. Found you from Cake Wrecks. I have been laughing out loud and going back and looking at your archives. You are now in my reader and I am SO totally looking forward to reading your blog!

  13. You deserve it, lady. You are witty, genuine and fun to read.

    When I read your blog, I find myself wishing that we lived in the same town, so that you could come over for a beer and some Rotel dip. And that’s the highest compliment I can give a blogger.

  14. I just read about your award over on Cake Wrecks and bebopped over here to congratulate you! I <3 Cake Wrecks but I’d been voting for you so I’m glad y’all tied.

  15. Congratulations! I’m so glad you won! I’ve checked out Cake Wrecks since the contest (never heard of it before), and it’s pretty funny. But I have to say, it’s one thing to point out other people’s funny; it’s another thing to make it up yourself. You totally deserved this award!

  16. Oh, so totally well-deserved!!! And you are the most gracious, sweetest person on-line that I know. And probably in real life..though I don’t know you IRL. Seriously. We all love our Aunt Becky.

  17. I found you because The Bloggess mentioned that you won. Congratulations. First of all, I won a cakewalk once. In fourth grade. Which totally rocked. But that was pretty much it so I feel you. Second of all, I agree. Why the hell isn’t anyone writing about the rib pain in “what to expect”. I filled a sock with rice and microwaved it and held it against my ribs for about four months until it got full of bugs. Kinda helped.

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  19. *applause*

    YAY! Big congratulations. Tying (is that spelled right?) with Cake Wrecks is huge. And now all their readers will come here and you’ll have like one million people a DAY reading your blog. BRAVO!!!

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