Time to dust one off from the vaults. Too busy sitting on my ass and pretending to be important. What? I’M VERY IMPORTANT, YOU SEE.

Now you may have heard people whine about it before, but I promise that NOTHING humbles you like maternity shopping once did. Thankfully for us now, being pregnant is so ‘œHollywood’ that it’s almost fun to buy the clothes. Gone are the tent-like mumus and the belly panels that go up to your chin. Gone are the denim-free faux-jeans that I wore while last gestating (whimpers: HOW can jeans be DENIM FREE and still called JEANS? I give up).

Hell, if you wanted to, you could easily shop in the maternity stores without being pregnant. Aside from the ‘œBaby on Board’ shirts you’d be good to go. A little roomy (perfect for the bar) but damn comfy.

This afternoon, I dragged my loving husband out to get new pants for me. Sounds cruel, I know, but I promise that he had the checkbook in mind when he took me today. I grabbed the pair of pants in my size, he picked me out a shirt, and away we went.

I got home and gleefully pulled my pants on (in the privacy of my own bathroom, of course. I happen to look quite like a hippo these days) and was immediately vexed. WHY was I having a hard time pulling my pants on?

The waist fit.

The hips fit.

The calves fit.

Holy shit, these pants are caught up on my ANKLES?

Yes, faithful readers, I had inadvertently bought Skinny Legged maternity jeans.

What nimrod decided that what pregnant women REALLY NEEDED is to wear pants that make them look fatter and more oddly shaped? Sure, they can look good on SOME people, but really? Most pregnant women would look gawky and uncomfortable (not to mention shaped like a hippo in toe shoes) in these.

So now I have to go back to the trendy maternity store and carefully inspect the leg of each and every pair of jeans I can find. Hopefully, they’ve left some jeans with some flair in them. Otherwise, it’s off to the tailor I go.

So tell me, fair reader, what’s the biggest fashionable thing that you abhor? What makes you want to gouge out your eyeballs when you see it on someone else or yourself?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

38 Responses to Baby: This Season’s Must-Have Accessory

  • Bree says:

    While I’m no fashion plate (unless you’re looking for a plate o’ “It’s OK that I have a Teva tan… I don’t wear fancier shoes anyhow”), I h.a.t.e. those girly little slide shoes where the “heel” is placed at approximately the arch. They only elevate the wearer about 3/4″ from the ground, yet still manage to make her teeter around like Miss Piggy.

  • Emily R says:

    Uggs. Especially with shorts. If it is hot enough for those tiny shorts, it is not cold enough for fur-lined boots.

  • Mrs.Spit says:

    Umm, dresses and pants. You may wear a dress. Or you may wear pants (hopefully with a shirt). You may not wear both, unless you are two, wearing a button that says “I dressed myself”.

  • Jenn says:

    I hate everything fashion related, haha. I often lament the fact that I wasn’t born in caveman times.

  • giggleblue says:

    mom jeans and cameltoe (and god, hopefully not together)

  • giggleblue says:

    have you seen the wiki cameltoe article??? it’s really funny – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cameltoe

  • ame i. says:

    I second dresses with pants!!!
    I will now admit to getting my boobs totally stuck in a dress in a dressing room not long ago. Luckily my mom was there to free me.

  • Lola says:

    Skinny jeans on me are horrific beyond belief.
    High-waisted jeans have got to be the worst look of all time, especially if you tuck your shirt in. Oh, and I hate the new capri sweats with the elastic around the bottom. What an incredibly stupid idea. They just make your legs look like, umm, sausages.

  • Wishing4One says:

    Ok i absolutley HATE the skinny jeans even on teenagers and I would hate them for sure on a pregnant women no doubt. I know, I know they are fashionable, but i’m sorry I will always love pant legs with a bit of flair or even straight leg but not SKINNY! And pointy shoes, BLOW! And sneakers with a heel OMG!!!

  • chris says:

    Skin tight jeans on guys. I just don’t get it.

  • swirl girl says:

    Do I have to pick just one (un)fashion funk up?

    Let’s start with : Yoga pants on non Yoga do-ers . Unless you are at the gym, and have very low body fat ratio, you shouldn’t wear your gym very tight, slightly pilled , ankle tight , ass illuminating, thigh bulging stretchie pants out of the house – unless you are in the picking up only line at Micky D’s , the bank, or the school – and don’t get out of the car.

    And, I whole heartedly agree with the skinny jean thing…especially the ones where the waist is slightly above the ‘poohpic’ area creating the ever flattering muffin top and low hanging crotch. Who comes up with these ‘fashions’?

  • andi says:

    Skinny leg maternity jeans? That is surely proof that Satan exists.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Skinny jeans (in regular sizes, let alone maternity) just look odd to me.

    But seriously? Skinny maternity jeans? What’s next? Maternity micro mini skirts?

  • Heather says:

    The high-waist, taper-leg jeans of old. Where do people still find these things?

    Solid back sneakers that old people wear (like my ILs) with white socks.

    These silly teenagers (do I sound old and bitter?) who refuse to wear a size that *actually* fits and instead wear the size they wish they were (or think they are) thereby creating a lovely, fluffy muffin top and dimples-a-plenty, not to mention crack attack. Pleeeeease. As if this looks better to anyone.

  • Babystep says:

    Sorry I haven’t check in with you in a while….thanks for your comment on my blog. It made me feel much better. :-)

  • Patty says:

    I absolutely hate sagging pants. When the pant loops actually hang below their butt and they actually have to hold on to their pants in order to walk? People who dress to these extremes cannot even walk.

    Now I don’t think loose fitting, low riding pants are all that bad. I don’t dress that way, but, whatever. But the extremes that some take this fashion trend is ridiculous. All I can say is- “Say no to (butt) crack!” I don’t think there should be laws governing how we dress, but damn, people- pull ‘em up!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/30/fashion/30baggy.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

  • Tanya says:

    I HATE it when people wear sandals with pants. With capris it’s fine but if it’s cold enough that you need to wear pants you shouldn’t be wearing sandals.

  • Kymberli says:

    Oh dear, there are far too many to name. I am not a fashionista by any means. I’d be happy if I could wear t-shirts with stupid sayings and sweatpants all day. I absolutely HATE to see bigger women wear clothes that just are obviously not for them. Like…the size 20 who walks around in a halter and hot pants. Or, the girl with the gut who has on a half-shirt and low-rise jeans. Just because they make it in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it. And for the record, I’m not one of those skinny cows who sit around and talk about heavy people. I’m currently a fat ass sitting on a size 18 (thank you, cycling weight gain) who knows to skip the Daisy Dukes and opt, instead for the roomy capris.

  • MsPrufrock says:

    I don’t like looking at people wearing skinny jeans. They always look painted on and I just can’t fathom how uncomfortable that must be.

    I also hate shoes with pointed toes. HATE. I don’t care if my favourite designer (Louboutin) makes them, they are ugly as fuck. Also, I did not name drop Louboutin as if I wear the things, as I most certainly do not. I try and disguise my mass in dull clothing (I typed “clit” – HA!), so I guess who am I to judge?

  • Edward says:

    Can’t even imagine myself in womens clothes anymore but back way back when I tried so hard…I hated the low rise jeans! As a female nothing looked good on me and I could rarely just go into the store and buy stuff off the rack without hating myself by the time I left the store…oh excpet maternity…I could do maternity. Easy to hide in that suff and your supposed to look big and oddly shaped lol!

    As a man, I don’t try shit on….just grab stuff that I like take it home and Wala…it fits and looks good. You know what I really hate? That natural bulge in every guys pants but mine lol!

    Enjoy your next round of maternity shopping! They sure do offer some cute stuff these days and pg ladies are so cute!

    Oh hey went I was 17 and pg I actually had these stupid shirts with little bears on them! Can you believe that? 21 years ago they used to actually make us buy that crap because there was nothing else….lucky woman you…you have chic choices now.

    Now as a

  • Amanda says:

    After careful deliberation, I’m going to have to go with Uggs and Mini-Skirts and Tights/Leggings. Just say no.

  • Karen says:

    I don’t mind most fashion trends…on the right person anything can look ok. But I absolutely abhor choker necklaces. Why would anyone want to feel like they are being choked? And they make everyone’s neck look fat.

  • Holli says:

    I have many, many fashion don’ts in mind.

    Uggs and shorts, seriously it’s ridiculous.

    When women/girls wear shirts that purposely expose their bra and bra straps. That is one of the trashiest things I’ve ever seen.

    When girls/women wear pants knowing that their thong is showing. Again, trashy.

    When men wear speedos on the beach (or anywhere!). Especially when they are old and out of shape. Honestly, even if you have a good body, it still does nothing for anyone. You just look stupid.

    Also when men wear nut huggers (tight jeans). PLEASE STOP THIS! Why would you ever think anyone likes this.

    Oh, and when anyone where’s anything that Dog The Bounty Hunter wears. I could take up a whole page writing about that guy. He is a fashion disaster. The best part is he seems to be unaware of how he looks. He must never watch his own show.

  • honeywine says:

    GAUCHOS! Hands down! And I can’t believe that SJP brought them back from the 80’s. The horror!

    And, I beg to differ! Mumus are ALWAYS in style! lol I have 2 caftans/mumus that I wear a lot when there’s company visiting (dressed up with earrings that would make Mrs. Roper blush of course :) ). I also saw something on Angelina on tv the other day (Fashion Team, I think) about her wearing nothing but caftans & maxi-dresses during her latest pregnancy.

  • kbreints says:

    omg. skinny legged maternity pants?? WHAT pregnant woman would buy those? oh yeah…. all those trendy teeny wheeny mommy’s to be that always made me want to hurl.

    I would have to say that I cannot stand those maternity looking shirts…. on non-maternity people.

    ugh! IF you don’t have to wear them…. than why? other than for bar hopping of course… haha

  • docgrumbles says:

    Do you REALLY want to get me started???

    Besides what you wrote about, what’s with spaghetti straps or no straps on everything? I couldn’t wear them pre-pregnancy, I certainly can’t do it now!

    And capri pants? Does anyone look good in them?

    And leggings with a short top – even if the woman is fat-free enough to have a smooth silhouette, it looks WRONG!

  • Anjali says:

    Boy does this post resonate with me.

    I’ve been doing some post partum clothes shopping, and it’s been painful. The tops are all these really loose, thin knit things that cling to your body and overemphasize the pooch. Then the shorts hang low on the hips, emphasizing the pooch even more.

    I’m only 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy wait, yet I look about 4 months pregnant.

  • Betty M says:

    First – totally happy everything is looking fine and dandy with the baby.

    Second – clothes hates:
    – uggs with anything
    – primary coloured Crocs on anyone over 20
    – thongs with low rise trousers
    – flip flops in the office
    – spray on jeans
    – all those floaty, princess line tops that make me look about 5 months pregnant when I am so not

  • Frozen Star says:

    Like many others, I hate the skinny jeans. Not many people can wear them, and if you can, you should probably go eat something.

    Other than that, I cannot stand pointy shoes, showing bra straps, skin tight anything and people who wear their pants below their ass.

    I also have a passionate hate against plain white socks, but that’s not really because it looks bad, but because of previous trauma involving white socks.

  • Sandy says:

    I hate those wedge sandal/shoes with cork like bottoms. I have yet to see a woman who did not look absolutely hooker-ish and ridiculous in them….especially at your 7 year old kid’s baseball game. I mean, come on!

  • DC says:

    Crap. I’m decidedly UNpregnant and I could still never pull off skinny jeans. HATE them. Ugh.

  • Chaps.

    And in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I can’t believe that there are at least 233 other Stinkybutts on AOL.

  • Heza Hekele says:

    Crocs. Yes. Those things. Every time I see them, I imagine someone took their rubber boots, sawed off the top and drilled holes in the toes. This image is especially frightening when seeing bright yellow crocs on the feet of adults who have no idea that their entire image is thrown out the window by their adolescent choice of footwear.

  • A Soldier's Girl says:

    bwahaha!!! Skinny jeans for pregnant women? Hilarious!!

    I hate those things anyway ~ for non-pregnant or pregnant, skinny or fat, anyone…I just hate skinny jeans!

  • Candid Engineer says:

    I once lived in a place where (in the winter), the girls would wear tiny tank tops and tiny mini-skirts (so short that you could sometimes see twat). And, because it was cold outside, they would put on their ugg(ly) boots and a scarf. “Oh my god!” they would screech. “Did you see that girl with the pants on?!?! Like, totally not cool!!!!”

  • Holly says:

    I dispise skinny leg jeans – any and every kind. Drives me insane and unless your twiggy (which I am not) you look funny in them. UGH.

  • trish says:

    If I was a better writer I would dust off some of the archives, too. Maybe someday. :-)

    Anyway, you know how you see a girl with a shirt that doesn’t quite reach the top of her pants and you can see her gut? I hate that.

    And the person who said that sandals shouldn’t be worn with pants because if it’s cold enough to wear pants they shouldn’t be wearing sandals? That person needs to take a look at other fashion no-nos, because sandals with pants isn’t a big deal. IMO. And cork-bottomed shoes? Yeah, not that bad. Again, IMO.

  • ewe_are_here says:

    Crocs.
    Uggs.
    Clothes that are too small for the wearer.
    Pants with dresses.
    Skirts that you can’t sit down in decently.

    And I think that a lot of women over 30 who are actually in fairly good shape but who wear clothes that are really short and tight should remember that just because they technically ‘can’ doesn’t mean they ‘should’. Just sayin’.

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