So, first things first. I know most of you read my blog in a reader *waves at reader people* which is all good, because I would too*.

Today, however, you need to pop through. No, seriously, get your ass over here and be amazed at it’s awesomeness. Now, when people ask about web designers, I have two in mah back pocket. Princess Jenn (who did the coding but ALSO does WordPress blog designs) and Lindsay Goldner (who did the blog design itself).

Now you know who can make your blog FULL of the awesome.

—————-

So there’s this GIGANTIC blogging conference in a couple weeks, right? I haven’t seen the ZOMGBBQFAQ posts on The Twitter or The Facebook, mostly because I’m ignoring them. There’s only so much of that I can handle.

Having been now, to two BlogHer conferences, I feel I can share my wisdom with you. And by “wisdom,” I mean, “bullshit.”

0) Um. Chill the fuck out about it all of you type-A people. You’re making me nervous.

1) No one but you is going to give a shit about your shoes. By all means, by new ones if it makes you happy, but don’t make it into a ‘ZOMG IF I DON’T PEOPLE WILL SHUN ME.’

1) The conference is intimidating. That’s okay. After your first time, it won’t seem overwhelming. Heh. Kinda like The Sex.

2) Introduce yourself to other people. Why? Why NOT?

3) Remember that for some people, thanks to gaps in geography, this is the only time they’re seeing each other all year. They’re hanging with their online besties and may seem hard to infiltrate, but seriously, most people are kind.

5) If they’re assbags? Fuck ‘em. You don’t need ‘em. Come find me. We’ll hang.

8 ) There will be a hell of a lot of sponsors. Just accept it and move on.

13) Most of the swag you get is bullshit. Unless you need 9573636 flash drives, in which case, well, you’ll be in luck. But there is NO REASON to interrupt a perfectly good conversation with someone to make a mad dash for a swag bag.

21) There will be drama. Stay out of it.

34) If someone introduces themselves to you, be kind.

55) Be very, very wary of the drive-by social networker.

89) Actually attend the sessions. Your fellow bloggers work hard as hell to put ‘em together.

144) I wasn’t invited to a single party, either. *shrugs* More time to get liquored up and do something I regret in the morning.

233) Unless you’re me, you DON’T want to be debaucherous in front of a zillion people who can live-blog it.

377) You’ll walk a hell of a lot more than you’d think.

610) For the name of all that’s holy, if you want to be recognized, do NOT do what I did my first year and use this as your avatar:

mommy-needs-vodkawhen you look more like this:

Swimsuit chainsaw

because no one will know you.

987) Send your swag home via UPS. You can thank me in gifts and/or cash later.

1597) COME HANG OUT WITH ME. No, I’m serious. We should hang, get liquored up and make asses of ourselves ALL OVER San Diego.

What am I missing, fellow BlogHer veterans?

*If I subscribed to myself, which I don’t think I do, because that’s kinda weird.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

73 Responses to Aunt Becky’s Piss-Poor Guide To BlogHer

  • Tracie
    Twitter: fromtracie
    says:

    The new look? Full of the awesome!

    The guide to BlogHer? I’m so not reading that, because I will melt into a puddle of jealousy and then someone might slip and sue you. I’m thoughtful like that.

  • Pamela says:

    not going to blogher this year, but this is a great list!

    I’d totally get shitfaced with you!

  • magpie says:

    are you bringing The Daver? can’t wait to see you.

  • Yuliya says:

    Well this is SNAZZY. Nice new digs.
    Is there an official prank we are working on at BlogHer? Are you attempting to be a celebrity again? I can play an excellent “handler”…see you in a few!

  • crazypants says:

    I think that sums it up nicely.

    The key things I learned last year are to expect nothing, and to not worry when someone you thought was fabulous turns out to be a complete douche.

    I definitely did not do enough random networking last year, it was more “I want to meet this person or that.” This year I’m gonna be more “hi, who the hell are you?”

    Also, and this may seem like a no brainer, but if you happen to be sharing a car/cab/whatever to some event, don’t tweet about the crab-bag in the vehicle with you and what a pain in the ass whiner she is. She just might happen to follow you and it just might be someone you actually like on the interwebs. (Note: I luckily thought better of this about .08 seconds before the tweet was sent last year. Crisis averted.)

    Two more suggestions that I’ll be including in my as-yet-to-be-written post on BlogHer are to bring blank labels in case they eff up your conference badge or the font is too small. And, to touch on the end of your post, I’d suggest printing your avatar and sticking in your badge holder. (Photo or cartoon, doesn’t matter…)

    I shall track you down and find you for conference debauchery.

  • crazypants says:

    And yes, am big fan of nuevo layout-o.

  • mandy says:

    meet you outside, per usual.
    can’t wait to see you betch.

  • The shoes part, the avatar part, and the shipping your shit home part are all good pieces of assvice.

  • Momma Chaos says:

    Well hell if I knew YOU were going, I totally would have overcome my anxiety and put my name in the bag for a free ride.. Ahh well, maybe next time?

  • wowsa…love the new design:)

  • Jennifer/jhbtook says:

    Loving the new look. Didn’t know you could be so classy!
    Have fun at BlogHer, and make your pranksters proud-get arrested!

  • I didn’t know you have a rogue strip!

  • Michele says:

    Your advice about shoes is the best ever! I wore new shoes last year. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

  • Ry says:

    AB,
    Love the new look! Tres upscale! I am sure SanDiego will never be the same after your visit!! Give em hell girl! shake that ass all over!

  • Marta
    Twitter: marta28
    says:

    I came over my reader and its sooo pretty!

    Also, I am not attending BlogHer, but if I was I would gladly track you down (stalk you) and drink with you (buy your love with liquor) and have debaucherous fun (and possibly get arrested.)

  • Briar says:

    My advice? Doesn’t really matter if your blog has been dying a slow, sad death beacause no one really knew it in the first place so feel free to use the conference as an excuse to leave your life and flee to San Diego to see all your fun blog friends just for the hell of it. SEE YOU THERE!

  • Angie H says:

    I’m more than a little jealous!!! I am super duper good at getting drunk without a party dammit! Have fun and thanks for the tips!

    PS. Love the new layout
    PPS. I want that purple dress in the chain saw pic!

  • Crystal says:

    Love the new look, thought it’d be more purple! Won’t be at BlogHer but I’ll still get trashed with you!!! I’ll bring Vodka you bring Rum!

  • Ari says:

    Holy Crap, Aunt Becky! The new blog layout is the awesomesauce!

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    I love the new design!
    And the advice. Which I promise to use someday when I get to go to BlogHer.

  • Vinobaby says:

    Love the new layout and this funky font I’m now typing in as well. Nice.

    As a looser who has no sponsorship and no moolah I believe I am one of the few bloggers NOT attending BlogHer. You all suck. I hate you every last one of you lucky and (mostly) talented bitches. But if I won the lotto and could make it to San Diego I would totally buy you a drink…or five.

    Cheers.

  • Trinity says:

    Okay fine, you brought be over from the dark side of hiding in my reader….in all honesty, I can only use reader from my compliance stricken computer at work. BOO! But, for you AB, I hopped on over to my handy, dandy iPad to check out your putty blog. It looks freaking awesome! Great kudos to your girlies!

  • Christina says:

    I also love the new look! Wish I could meet you at BlogHer but I’m too new to blogging, maybe one day though!!! I’d love to hang out with you!

  • Halala Mama says:

    Becky – will the chain saw be coming to BlogHer? Otherwise, how will anyone recognize you now?? Love the new design – it’s awesome.

  • Denise
    Twitter: acctodenise
    says:

    The new look is full of the awesome! I really want to go to this one day. They need to have it in DC.

  • Katie says:

    mmm hmmm…like the new look. like it a lot. glad I clicked through today.

    Also? I am a BlogHer virgin. Be gentle to me if/when we meet.

  • Andrea says:

    If I was savvy enough to change my comment font color, it would be green…with envy—I want to go to a big fun bloggy party—I almost didn’t recognize the fancy new digs, but then that woman’s t-shirt suggesting I shut my whore mouth told me I was home!

  • Hey! I jumped the reader to come check out your new design. Awesome!!

    If I see you at BlogHer, I may stare and then quickly run away. That’s just how I roll. I’m super awesome that way. ;)

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    LOVE IT! Monday orgasm for the win! Thanks for the internet pr0n. (I know – it doesn’t take much to get me excited on a Monday!)

  • KYouell says:

    By the time I get to a BlogHer you will be bored with it and not be coming. I, however, have just started using Evernote and will “note” this post so that someday I can find your advice easily and follow it. Just like teh new layout, and teh bootiful font in this comment box, your advice is clearly awesome-glittery-sauce.

  • Angi says:

    Wow, your site looks amazing. Kudos to your amazing staff. :)

  • Kizz
    Twitter: Kizzbeth
    says:

    Just a warning: I will introduce myself to you in San Diego.

    Looking forward to it!

  • Maria says:

    Awesome new look. No blogger/blogher whatever stuff for me. Too many chilluns and too few greenbacks.

  • Kori says:

    If I was going or ever thought I would have the opportunity to go, I would tell you those are GREAT tips. But since I can barely get enough energy to actually write a blog post every three weeks or so, I highliy doubt if I went that ANYONE would know me anyway. Meh.

    I love the new look-it is perfect for you!

  • AmberLaShell says:

    You know, I have never been to any kind of convention like this. There were tons of people who tried to get me to go to some Harry Potter conventions, but while I love Harry Potter, and I love blogging, I’m just too cheap to shell out the money for tickets and transportation…

    Your new look is very awesome… feeling a little jealous over here. :)

  • Kadee Barrett says:

    As a person who is so in love with her Google Reader (Best! Thing! Ever!) that it’s almost a crime, thanks for the heads up about clicking through to see the pretty new blog! It looks awesome!

  • Heli says:

    Thank you so much for all the advice you give. I’ve been blogging for a few years but only recently trying to make it in the community. From your “Blogging for Dummies” to this most recent post, you inspire me. I look forward to all the future tips. At the risk of sounding really cheesy, you have become a mentor for me…ok, I’ll stop now :)

  • Zakary says:

    Love your new look.

    I can’t wait to buy you a drink in San Diego.

  • The Sweetest says:

    Gorgeous new design! Hot! I would die to hang out at BlogHer. Going to change my avatar now…

  • The new design is super snazzy, the swirly things above the d’s, k’s and b’s look like halos, so bonus points for the irony, and now, more than ever, I really want that bathing suit.

  • Joules says:

    Ohhh, shiny pretty!

  • Meg N says:

    scritch..scratch…a new look….hmm. I likes. I would have pegged it for burple-purple and possibly a scratch and sniff though. =P

    Oddly makes me want a mocha or other chocolatey thingy so not bad either. SF sounds fun but I’m grounded…not for being naughty (yet) but from planes….haven’t even made it back to Evanston to see my parents. Have some for me!

  • Meg N says:

    Oy! I mean SD…I should wear my glasses but I hate to…maybe..just go tear up all of Cali…how’s that?

  • MamaRobinJ says:

    First, holy awesome design! Love it.

    Second, I know. This is my first BlogHer and first ever blog conference. I am not freaking out. I have my own small nervousy things, but I am not freaking out.

    And I’m so gonna come find you. (Except not in the way it sounds, as though someone has a hit out on you.)

  • Kelly says:

    The new look is awesome, and makes blogger templates look like an asshole.

    The chance to hang with Aunt Becky is almost enough to get me to offer to volunteer (shudder) to get that free ticket. Maybe next year. Have fun!

  • Claire says:

    oh! good about the shoes i’ve been panicking about when I will find time to buy new ones. It would be really nice to have a drink with all you lovely ladies.

  • Nanette says:

    Wheeee! Excited for the opportunity to hang with Aunt Becky again!

  • Johi says:

    The new blog design is fierce.
    I SO wish that I could attend the BlogHer Conference. Maybe next year? Have fun!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    The BEST BlogHer post because you aren’t taking yourself too seriously.

  • Miranda says:

    Point the first–holy awesome new layout. I was all “the fack!?” and then the header appeared and I was all “O_O” at the awesome. (That’s a wide-eyed face, in case anyone in the interwebs wonders…)

    Point the second–this is my first BlogHer and while I *did* buy new shoes, they are more as a “facking sucks you have to go back to work, dude” consolation prize and less for BlogHer.

  • andy says:

    pretty blog!!!

  • E3
    Twitter: e3writing
    says:

    I heart that purple dress A LOT. I want one! :)

  • Dear Aunt Becky,
    Thanks for the great advice on BlogHer. Yes, I’m going too, and I’m a BlogHer virgin, and I am feeling a bit nervous about my “first” time. I would love to hang out and follow you around like a large white poodle….hopefully, we can connect among the masses. I will be the pale white, middle-aged woman in the corner panting excessively. Don’t worry, I shape right up if someone simply pets me for a few minutes or tosses me a swag bag. If the swag bag has any type of processed food in it, then I’m good for at least several hours.

    Love the chainsaw, they come in so handy.

    Timidly,

    Your New Best Blog Friend, Nancy

  • Amanda says:

    So I only really blog for the cathartic fun…so obviously I’m not shanzzy enough to be going to this conference. BUT I think you’re terribly hilarious and full of the WONDERFULLY AWESOME and I LIVE in San Diego yo. Can I stalk/hang out with you still?! :-)

  • Robin Hillyer Miles says:

    I must tell you –

    You’ve got a wee typo in the first #1 –

    1) No one but you is going to give a shit about your shoes. By all means, by new ones if it makes you happy, but don’t make it into a ‘ZOMG IF I DON’T PEOPLE WILL SHUN ME.’

    By all means, buy new ones …

    Have fun!

  • Tesla says:

    I haven’t been to BlogHer (not being a blogger myself), but I have generic convention survival tips aplenty for you:

    1. Gel soles: wear them. You will be on your feet waaaay longer than you normally are (no matter what you do IRL). This will not only keep your feet and back comfy, it will also keep your energy up longer since your body isn’t wasting its time whining.

    2. Remember to eat. You’re going to be off your normal schedule, surrounded by people to meet and cool things to look at, and racing to panels that aren’t scheduled in any sensible way. You’ll forget to eat, and then you’ll be cranky and tired. I always carry Clif bars in my shoulder bag. Also, stay hydrated.

    3. Stay healthy: Con Crud can be prevented by liberal intake of vitamin C (Emergen-C mixes WONDERFULLY with a screwdriver) and hand-washing/hand sanitizer. Also, try to sleep occasionally.

    4. It’s ok to just chill in the lobby/lounge/hotel bar/other non-structured hang-out space. You’ll probably meet cool people and find interesting conversations to insert yourself into. And isn’t that the main point of meeting up in realspace?

  • since I ALWAYS do what I’m told, I popped over from Reader……love the classy new look.

    and I still owe you an email re: working with you on bbt…..

  • Grace says:

    The new look is fantastic and the BlogHer advice is spot-on. Hope to see you there!

  • Erin says:

    Good info Becky! This’ll be my first time so it’s good to know what to expect. I’ll come armed to defend myself from drive-by business cardings.

  • blacklisted says:

    I hate that I’m no longer in California and you’re there! I’d have driven the crap out of the 5 freeway to come by and pluck business cards out of your vodka. Alas.

  • Mel
    Twitter: OUBad
    says:

    Never wanted to go to BlogHer until I read this post. Now I wanna skip BlogHer and just hang with you. That’s full of WIN, right?

  • AngieM. says:

    I don’t have a blog and I want to go to blogher..just to hang with you!!

  • Pete In AZ says:

    Why are we recycling a two year old blog post?

  • I guess I’m maintaining my Perfect Attendance record by not going. I’ve been blogging since 2005 as one identity or another. I’m a public school teacher, so I can’t reveal who I am and that sort of screws me over a bit. I’ll live.

  • Megly Mc says:

    Ugh, I so wanted to go, but, alas, I did not. If I go next year, I will totally hold your hair back for you, if you want.

  • Love that pic! Blogher sounds so interesting. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do something like that someday.

  • alexisAR (you can call me Al)
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    Some day . . .

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