I found this sort of guide to wifery from the 50’s online a couple of years ago, and supposedly it’s called The Good Wife’s Guide. Is this legit Aunt Becky, you ask me, a disapproving tone in your otherwise flawless voice? And I will tell you with absolute certainty that it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s Comedy Gold.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Planning it out in advance is saying ‘Pick up some Chinese food tonight on your way home from work’ at 3pm. Trust me when I tell you that I am concerned about my needs far more than his.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Now I’m not trying to imply that I look like a million bucks when Dave walks in the door, but honestly the last thing on my mind at 7pm is ‘shit! Do I look okay?’ It’s much more like ‘did I accidently microwave the cat, AGAIN? Shit!’

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Dude. I’m always a little gay.

*waggles eyebrows suggestively*

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

What the fcuk is a dust cloth? And I’ll happily make an effort to pick up the clutter the day that Dave does not have a roving sock colony following him around like a wee family.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Are you SERIOUS? I don’t know how to work the fireplace, and I don’t intend to learn. If he wants to relax by the fire, he can light it himself. I don’t know when catering to anyone’s comfort has provided me with any type of satisfaction.

Unless it involved Prada purses.

Then I could cater a lot.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

If there is noise in the home, it means I am home.

I am noisy.

I am loud.

I speak at extremely deafening decibels.

And really, if I am actually doing these household chores, he should be pleased that I’m not pawning them off on him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

My desire to please him?

Bwhahahahahahahaha!

*wipes tears from eyes*

Hahahahahahahaha!

Yeah. Right.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

If I waited until Dave stopped talking to tell him such things as ‘the sump pump backed up and the basement is flooded’ or ‘I want to have a threesome with a midget,’ I’d never be heard.

Dave and I talk over each other with such comfortable regularity that we have actually made a sign that says “Floor” to use when we have Important Discussions.

And wait, how the hell is ‘œthe cpm processor of horhelfsag to the ajfoijhriwndas is jdsa;hfrioenrhiubnf more important than “Our bedroom smells like cheese” or “cherry flavored pez is a wonderfood.” Because it’s totally not.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Who else can I greet this way?

Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

If he stays out all night, trust me, my complaining will be the last thing he’s concerned about. More pressing needs might be “How do I get my testicles back from the sewer system?” or “Where else can I let my roving sock colony live? OH LOOK, SOCKS, MADE A BABY! It’s TWINS!”

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Um, yeah, Michael, how’s it going? Now about that TPS Report?

Unless his arm is falling off, he had better pitch in with the kids, the dogs, buying me dinner, whatever. With a big smile on his face.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

My voice is like a sack of cats fighting over a mouse on a chalkboard. And I yell. Most of the time.

And where would I take his shoes? On a date?

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

MASTER OF THE GODDAMN HOUSE?

Bwahahahahaha!

That’s right, Internet, The Daver is Master of the Bwahahahaha! I can’t even type it without laughing.

I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to say when he says, “I think we should buy a truckload of Twinkies and the biggest Fry Daddy we can find! Fuck our retirement*!!” Color me boring but I don’t think ‘Whatever you say, dear’ would work well.

A good wife always knows her place.

Dude, exactly “my place” is anywhere I fucking want it to be.

*hahahaha

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

48 Responses to Aunt Becky’s Guide To Wifery

  • Daddy Files says:

    Ummmm…maybe I’m a little late to the party here but what are all of you complaining about? Isn’t this how it is in every household?

    These are good, moral, solid suggestions. They all make perfect sense and I’m surprised to hear so much negativity. If only we could go back to the 1950s when things were easier and simpler, we’d all be happier.

    But all of this bellyaching is just disheartening. I mean seriously, we let you have the right to vote! What else do you want??

  • Sarah says:

    DUDE. I think you just saved my marriage. Please tell me where you found this book!!

    So I can dance around it WHILE IT BURNS.

    No wonder our mothers were so damn neurotic.

  • Cassie says:

    My favorite is “he is the master of the house.” LOL. no. just, no.

  • Michelle says:

    It’s not really advise, but I cannot stand being called Mrs. Kevin H***. I feel like I am myself, not just his wife. My MIL sends my birthday cards this way. I know it is the “proper” way, but I hate it! It’s like I lost myself just because I got married.

  • Inna says:

    My favorite comment is “a good wife always knows her place” bwahahahhahahah!!!! Where did you find this awesome book? I’m not married, (yet) but I’m definitely doing everything opposite of ‘the book’… and don’t let my fiance see it!

  • kate says:

    i love the bit about being a little bit gay and interesting. i think that means arrange a menage a trois.

  • Kendra says:

    Oh, I so needed this! Just this very minute, I hit my limit. I have officially had all I can take of other people, which is to say my husband and kids, for one day. While he spent the day tilling and planting the garden, I took all three kids to Zachary’s swimming lesson, then took them all to Target, then did three loads of laundry (several more await me), then took them all to the grocery store, then made supper. And he’s crabby because I’m feeding the kids some of the chicken he asked me to pick up for him. I am either going to have a good laugh or kill him.

    Being fine with whenever he chooses to come home is certainly priceless, and I’d love to meet the wife who says “Oh, that’s okay. I’m sure you had somewhere to be all night.” But “encourage the children to be quiet” somehow takes the cake for me. Has this author actually met any children? Certainly not mine. Encouraging them to be quiet is sort of like Willy Wonka “encouraging” Augustus Gloop not to drink the chocolate river; you know it’s futile, but you feel like you ought to try, just so you can say you did. I consider it a success when the neighbors can’t actually hear the words, just the tone of the constant yelling. If my husband doesn’t like the sound of children screaming, he can just stay at work. But I’m warning him, I’ll just send them there; no way I’m doing this by myself.

  • My absolute favorite is, “you have no right to question him.” As if! Oh, and the whole thing about not getting on his case, even if he has been out all night. Fuck that!

    I actually know a woman in her late 30’s who would have her son put on a fresh shirt and she would apply fresh lipstick before her husband got home from work. Seriously.

  • Ames says:

    “a good wife always knows her place”…you bet your ass I know my place. My place is curled up on the couch with a good book while my husband rubs my feet and caters to MY every need…bwahahahaha

  • kalakly says:

    We have sock spawn in living color here too. And I so don’t get it. You don’t even have to carry them to get them to the hamper just walk there and take them off and STILL they are evryfuckingwhere, rolled in to tiny balls because he doesn’t even use fingers to take them off just slides his big toe down the backside….ugh.
    Oh and he only rules the house when I let him. And he likes it or at least he says he does while gingerly covering his man bits.:)

  • Betts says:

    I can’t pick a favorite. It’s all a crock and was obviously written by a man married to a Stepford Wife.

  • Potty Mouth Mommy says:

    More pressing needs might be “How do I get my testicles back from the sewer system?”

    BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!

    omg.. I don’t think I’ll EVER stop laughing about this…. bwahahahahaahahahahahahahaaha

  • bahaahahah!!!!!!
    i totally found that book at my bookstore in the free bin.. let me tell you.. should you ever need a good laugh to bring you out of a bad day… that book is the bomb LOL…

  • Coco says:

    See? This is the first post I ever read of yours and it is a MUTHA FUCKING CLASSIC.

    The FryDaddy and the truckload of twinkines makes me pee my pants every time.

  • Emily R says:

    i can’t wait to show this to my husband. you look much, um, sweeter than i had imagined.

  • Jenn says:

    I needed that today, thanks!

    Your probably know but your baby girl looks just like you.

  • WiseGuy says:

    WTF??? ROFL!!! How hard must be the lives of those who lived by those words….today I am so glad that I am not a 50s wife!!

    I want to laugh so hard, that the poor hubz may decide to not return for atleast a week…

    Hey, thx for the comment on my blog….you know, that money thing makes the obsessed so very irritating….

  • i’ve read that before, and found it humorous, but you take it up a notch! ;)

  • Swirl Girl says:

    This was pure mastery .
    You are right – comedy gold.

    {and you are adorable – i’ve never seen a picture of you before )

  • Heidi says:

    I cackled out loud when I read that “his topics of conversation are more important than yours”. Priceless!

  • charmedgirl says:

    i think about this all the time. in those days, girls got married and had kids straight out of high school. they never had full time jobs and supported themselves. they went from their parents to their husbands. they would have no way to know how much easier or harder it was to get up and go to work each day, pay the bills, whatever else….than it was to get up 365 days a year with kids and keep house.

    the thing is, the reason i think about this, is because i went to college. i went to grad school. i had a really, REALLY good job and made more money than marc did for years. now that i’m home with kids, (trying) to keep house (NOT my strong suit), he’s got no shot in HELL to tell me what he’s doing is harder or more stressful. i have a point of comparison.

    i feel bad for those girls who bought into that shit…that their husbands came home *stressed* from work, and that their work wasn’t really work. bullshit. this is the hardest fucking thing i’ve ever done and i’m confident, ever will.

    that crap IS hilarious, though.

  • zelzee says:

    “Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.”

    And when he comes home after staying out all night…….
    yes, those are all your clothes thrown in the front yard…..

  • birdpress says:

    “Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

    LMAO! If only this writer knew some of the topics of conversation my husband starts.

    This was written by a man, right? As a joke? No, by a group of men, after a few beers at the local pub, after they were all kicked out for disrespecting the Woman of the House.

  • Jenn says:

    Hahahahah… that shit is crazy. When I was in high school we had a unit in Consumer Ed (formerly known as ‘Home Ec’) comparing & contrasting the role of the modern wife with the 50s wife. I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t have made it as a wife in the 50s.

  • Tatiana says:

    “Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

    What the fuck? Seriously? What he has to say is more important, always? No, it’s not. he’s going to bitch about something work-related that is so irrelevant to my life and so far beyond my understanding. *I* on the other hand am going to tell him something interesting about our daughter or dinner plans.

  • [i]Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.[/i]
    TAKE OFF HIS SHOES?? WTF??
    I’ll arrange his pillow alright,over his damn face….hahahahhaha…

    and I am w/ you aunt becky, nothing pleasant about my voice…i’m loud and sometimes obnoxious..

    If I had to be a wife in the 1950’s I would have been one of those that was committed to the nuthatch…possibly after I killed my husband…lol..

    and you are ADORABLE Auntie Becky!!!

    also, my mother (totally being sarcastic and funny..that is where I got it from..) gave me a print out of this same thing a few years ago…it always makes me laugh hysterically

  • Lindsay says:

    My favorite is that his topic of converstation is more important. Are you kidding me?? And what about the fact that I work outside the home, come home, immediately make the dinner??? He should be offering to take off my shoes! And “puting me in bed with a drink” A cold one. With lots of alcohol. I cannot even believe this post. Fucking hilarious.

  • CJ says:

    When my husband was at work a couple of weeks ago, he was telling a story, and it involved something or other that indicated I am clearly the one in charge in our family. One of DH’s male (unmarried) coworkers told him that I should be catering to what DH wants, not the other way around. I wasn’t there obviously, but apparently the coworker said something like, “You should be saying to her, MAKE ME A SANDWICH, and she should get you one.”

    When my DH got home that day, he plopped on the couch and said, “Make me a sandwich.”

    I flicked my wrist and pointed at him like I was doing magic. “POOF! You’re a sandwich. Is there anything else you need, honey?”

    I think that defines my feelings on the topic.

  • Betty M says:

    You have no right to question him?! Thank heavens we are no longer in the 50s.

  • Eva says:

    I like the bit about whatever he has to say is more interesting than whatever I have to say. SO not true.

  • lola says:

    Brings a tear to my eye, every last word of it. I could not be more proud!!!

  • Mantra says:

    Oh, I don’t know Becky…

    I often subscribe to that type of wifery and greet my husband with more than just a smile and twinkle – if you know what I mean.

    (Hmm, could that be why I always write about leaving him? Maybe…. :) )

  • kate says:

    “totally sent yourself flowers”

    best. comment. ever.

  • Cari says:

    If the wifey guide was a test, I’d have totally failed it. You should write your own guide to wifedom, circa 2009. Actually, the cranky old wrinkle-balled JAs in my office printed this off an email a few months ago and read it out loud cackling about the good old days when a women knew her place, yada yada. I made sure they got the expired creamer in their coffee the next day, LOL!

  • SCY says:

    My question is this? Did a female of the species write this drivel? (the book not your post ;) )

    Ka-razy! He is the master of the house? Yeah right!!!

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Dave doesn’t want to have a threesome with a midget?

  • I was reading the post before this and have to tell you that there is a product called S.E.P. “stop eating poo” (awesomest name for a product. Could have only been better if they named is S.E.S.) that you can feed Cash that will make his poo less tasty to Auggie.
    I can’t help with the cat thing but my friend swears by sep for her dogs.
    Also, she switched dog food (apparently hers was super tasty, even on the way out) and that helped too.

    Hope that helps. In other news when you want to tell someone to eat shit you can just shout “oh yeah well Act like Auggie!” And no one will be the wiser…

  • Brittany says:

    Bwaaaaahahahaha! Oh holy shit. This was the perfect way to begin my week. THANK YOU, Aunt Becky.

  • Dot says:

    My favorite is “You have no right to question him.” As in, you are his possession, not a person. When was this thing written?

  • Minnie says:

    You’re my idea of a perfect wife. If only I’d found you before BS. Geesh! Who knew.

  • “Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.”

    Jesus. Need I say more? I think not.

  • docgrumbles says:

    that was great for a life!

    “encourage the children to be quiet!” ha! as in shout, “Hey kids! Shut the fuck up! your dick of a father is coming home!”

  • Kristine says:

    Oh man, I needed this tonight.

  • mumma boo says:

    You are comedy gold. :)

    “A good wife always knows her place. Dude, exactly “my place” is anywhere I fucking want it to be.” AMEN!!!

  • pamajama says:

    Oh, I love it when you sound happy:) Never a better time than when mocking the idea of being a good wife – LOL. You also look adorable:)

  • Badass Geek says:

    Wow. Just… wow.

    What a life that would be.

  • Jessi Louise says:

    This was amazing. Your comments after were perfection. I like the ones that suggest being cheerful or soothing when he comes home from work. Funny! I prefer being crabby and passive aggressive.

  • lady lemon says:

    I too am always a Little Gay when my man comes home. How could I not be in my silent, clean, dusted house sitting in front of my fire and sucking back a cool or warm drink while dinner rests delicately on the table?

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