Maybe it’s because out of the 11 critters in the house, only 3 of them actually possess delicate lady bits, thereby solidifying my title of Reigning Queen Of The Sausages, but I’ve become obsessed with the penis. Well, not really obsessed with them, just wistful. I don’t want to be a dude, but I would genuinely like to borrow a bulging member for awhile. Like 24 hours or so. (Remember that King Missile song, “Detatchable Penis?” It’s full of The Awesome).
You see, I have some things I’d like to do with it.
1. Smack someone in the face with it. Give someone a Mushroom Print. Not hard enough to hurt, just to make my point. I’m not certain I could actually smack someone in the face with my vagina, right?
2. Write my name in pee in the snow. As a lady? Impossible. As a dude? VERY POSSIBLE. I think I might weep if someone did that for me.
3. Scratch my ball bag. Balls are like hand magnets and I want to determine what the fuss is about. It must feel really, really good.
4. Pee standing up. Now, I’ve seen public bathrooms defiled by a Lady Squatter, and that’s just not the same thing, primarily because there is now piss all over the toliet seat. I know (oh BOY do I know) that dudes don’t always aim or hit their targets, but still. Having the option would be sweet ass.
5. “If I knew it was gonna be this type of party I would have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes,” from Waiting… But, see I wanna do that.
What else am I missing here?