Maybe it’s because out of the 11 critters in the house, only 3 of them actually possess delicate lady bits, thereby solidifying my title of Reigning Queen Of The Sausages, but I’ve become obsessed with the penis. Well, not really obsessed with them, just wistful. I don’t want to be a dude, but I would genuinely like to borrow a bulging member for awhile. Like 24 hours or so. (Remember that King Missile song, “Detatchable Penis?” It’s full of The Awesome).

You see, I have some things I’d like to do with it.

Like:

1. Smack someone in the face with it. Give someone a Mushroom Print. Not hard enough to hurt, just to make my point. I’m not certain I could actually smack someone in the face with my vagina, right?

2. Write my name in pee in the snow. As a lady? Impossible. As a dude? VERY POSSIBLE. I think I might weep if someone did that for me.

3. Scratch my ball bag. Balls are like hand magnets and I want to determine what the fuss is about. It must feel really, really good.

4. Pee standing up. Now, I’ve seen public bathrooms defiled by a Lady Squatter, and that’s just not the same thing, primarily because there is now piss all over the toliet seat. I know (oh BOY do I know) that dudes don’t always aim or hit their targets, but still. Having the option would be sweet ass.

5. “If I knew it was gonna be this type of party I would have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes,” from Waiting… But, see I wanna do that.
What else am I missing here?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

49 Responses to Aunt Becky’s Electra Complex

  • Give someone a mushroom print?

    Funniest. Line. Ever.

  • Ashley says:

    Dude. Let me know when you get one and I’ll get one too and we can totally have a sword fight. I think the line from Waiting was initially in a Beastie Boys song on the green CD. Sure Shot maybe? We say that anytime there are mashed potatoes in our family. But that is b/c we are white trash :)

  • Susan says:

    I think I’d enjoy calling it by one of the thousands of pet names for dicks that are out there. You know, Johnson, trouser snake, one eyed monster, etc. Better than pussy and vajayjay.

  • El says:

    I would measure it all day long and see if shrinkage is really that bad after a cold shower…..then I would buy a jockstrap. :)

  • DOC says:

    *Snickers*

  • Ames says:

    Can I just tell you that I seriuosly almost pissed my pants when I read “give someone a mushroom print”… absolutely hilarious.

    Funny… my husband and his friends tell me all the time that they’d love to have boobs for a day so they could just sit at home and play with them all day. I never thought about it the other way around until now…

  • Jenn says:

    Hahaha. YOU are full of The Awesome.

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Mental note: first big snowfall? Pee “Becky” in snow.

  • Holly says:

    ROTFLMAO

  • Tiffany says:

    Ha!
    I love it..
    I so want to pee standing up..me copping a squat in the woods invariably ends in pee splashing on me and possibly me on my arse..
    I have always said guys don’t have boobs coz they’d never leave the house..they’d play with them all damn day..lol..

    scratching the balls in public and not have it be socially unacceptable would be nice too..

    and peeing my name in the snow..FUN…

  • Maria says:

    HA. I have spent so many times wistfully imagining cock-slapping the shit out of somewhat. I’m dead serious. That’s also #1 on my list of things I’d do with my Penis-For-a-Day. We’re like kindred dickspirits.

    My #2 would be standing naked and wiggling my hips and doing that fapslapfapslapfapslap thing.

    #3… probably jerking off.

    …I don’t think my man would be up for it but I’d consider briping him for a BJ as #4.

  • Maria says:

    Out of someone*

  • Mumma Boo says:

    Hahaha! “Mushroom print”. *snicker*

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Uh- let me point out that having lady bits allows you to CREATE LIFE WITHIN YOUR OWN BODY!
    I’m sorry, but peeing in the snow just doesn’t seem to me to have the same, uh, how you say? IMPORTANCE? SPIRITUAL IMPLICATIONS? SERIOUSLY AMAZING ABILITY?
    Girl, you ain’t missing anything.

  • swirl girl says:

    How about ….**warning graphic language to follow**

    Being the scew-er rather than the screw-ee.

  • mandy says:

    i had a dream about it once-it was cool. don’t tell anyone though..

  • Brooke says:

    I would like to pee off a bridge. That would be fantastic!

    I’d also really like to experience sex from a man’s point of view. See if it’s really that hard to control! Haha!

    And definitely the naked hipswivel flapflapflap thing! That looks like so much fun!

  • Phig says:

    Holy jeez….

    I’ve never been here before. I got here from Becky’s blog.

    This might be the goddamn funniest thing i’ve ever read.

    Also, I gotta say that I’ve uttered “if it’s gonna be that kind of party, i’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes” about 7 times this week. it never gets old.

  • Tiffany says:

    OHHH I just thought of another thing..
    hang a towel off my schlong…
    THAT would be fun

  • honeywine says:

    Test that blue ball thing out for me if you get one. I’m not buying it.

  • apathetic bliss says:

    I just discovered you and I think I love you. This is so funny!

    btw as the only girl growing up with three brothers (and obviously having something to prove), I want you to know as grrrlz we CAN write our name in the snow with pee. It is just a lot easier if your name only has three letters!

  • I have the best penis story EVER but you have to buy me a drink to hear it.

  • “Reigning Queen Of The Sausage” lol … love that.

    I’d say the peeing standing up would be a huge bonus. Other than that, can’t think of what I’d want one for. Well … you know what I mean.

  • sara says:

    I love your ideas for the man equipment! I would have to say peeing in the snow or standing up would be a lot of fun. As sick as it sounds – the Amercan Pie scene where he sticks his stuff in a warm apple pie comes to mind. Not sure if that would be my number one thing to do with my 24 hour worth of man parts – but it did pop in my mind! Ahhh, see what sickness you have unleashed??? Craziness, absolute craziness! But absolutely hilarious to think about :-)

  • Cassie says:

    As my husband would say….I like the way you think :)

  • kate says:

    well. there’s that. but i’m pretty effing happy with my vagina. not that i’m judging or anything. but i’m never eating mashed potatoes again.

  • Lola says:

    Well, since I can have several orgasms in a row, I’m sticking with what I got. If I had a dick for a day, however, I’d definitely be looking to smack something with it. Then I would lay down for the rest of the day and play with it. Good thing I don’t have one. I’d never get a damn thing done.

  • Jenn says:

    You’re forgetting the apple pie thing from American Pie…so have to try that out too LOL.

  • MizFit says:

    You
    AND YOUR COMMENTERS
    Crack me the hell up.

    Sorely needed that this morning….

  • Badass Geek says:

    Here are a few things to keep in mind that are not good about having a penis:

    – Getting a boner while driving on a bumpy road.
    – Morning wood while visiting the in-laws.
    – The dreaded “Blue Balls”. Seriously, it’s bad.
    – Accidental injuries from zippage whilst getting dressed.

    But its totally worth all of that to be able to write offensive words in the snow.

  • Nissa says:

    I shot coffee out of my nose on this post LMAO I guess I have never thought of what I would do if I had a penis. Thank you for putting the thought in my mind. I think I would have to wear a speedo for the day just to show it off(or repulse people whatever works) LOL

  • Brooke says:

    I thought of something else last night! If I had a penis for a day, I’d like to get kicked in it. I’d like to see exactly how much this really hurt. Is it really the worst pain in the world, or are men just big wussies? Because if it’s no worse than childbirth, I’m kicking every man I see again in the junk!

  • Michelle says:

    This was a great post….I laughed so hard.
    I can pee standing up…if I’m outside..something i learned as a teenager….a dare;)

    if I had a penis for a day…I’d want to stick ii in weird places..to see why freaks do that.

  • Tiffany says:

    Because if it’s no worse than childbirth, I’m kicking every man I see again in the junk!

    OMFG THAT is the most awesome thing I have read all day!!!
    bwahahahaha..DYING here…lol…
    the mental imagery is TOO much here..lol..

  • A Soldier's Girl says:

    bwahahaha!!!

    My favorite is smack someone in the face with it…I have stories for days about that one :)

  • I love scratching my balls. I’m gonna submit this comment and scratch my balls.

  • Ann says:

    I lurve you. That’s all I got. hehe. You crack me the hell up, girl!

  • Kristen says:

    I knew that this was the place to come for a chuckle tonight! I wanted a penis so bad when I was a wee girl. I so wanted to pee standing up!

  • You’re flippin’ awesome, man.

  • You and your penis are freakin’ awesome.

  • Can you tell it’s really flippin’ late and I accidentally submitted my comment twice. Gah.

  • My son wrote my name in the snow this winter. Fucking awesome.

    But to be able to give the mushroom print? I’d pay MONEY.

    Heh.

    Missed you at the conference, friend.

  • Kristine says:

    I think the major bonus to add to the peeing standing up column is that on a long car ride where the driver doesn’t have to pee and therefore is unwilling to stop…you could pee in a bottle without peeing all over the back seat.

  • Kelly says:

    OMG!!! Detachable Penis was such a big hit in our house (we played it just two weeks ago for my son). Didn’t hurt that I worked with the sister of one of the guys in the band. Thanks for bringing back memories!!!!!

  • Jen says:

    I like to call the face slap a “Hoagie Slap.”
    Excellent list of things to do with a penis. I don’t have much to add.

  • Amanda says:

    I would hump everything in the house to see what it feels like. Furniture. Food. Etc. My husband swears all guys do this when they are teenagers.

    I find it interesting.

    Your post and commenters gave some much needed laughs today!

  • Shirley says:

    I actually am crying from laughing so hard. You’re fantastic!

  • Rob says:

    I’m Paraphrasing: “If some dude wrote my name in the snow for me, I might weep.” Now that’s a type of chivalry that I never heard of. Heh Heh.
    Hi Aunt Becky. I really like your statement called: Aunt Becky’s Electra Complex.
    As a guy, over 25, I have my own thoughts about men + women wanting to be the other gender for awhile.

    There are times that I do get jealous of women and other females. Such as, I think that a woman’s genitals are more compact and would be better for nude beaches than the other type of genitals.
    Such as, women don’t have to worry about testicles on their lower body getting accidentally hit on things while women walk around nude.
    Imagine a nude man accidentally rapping his testicles on a 2.5 foot wooden post. Ow!

    Also, I think nude women can be more carefree about running about and quickly sitting on a wooden picnic table. I’d have to worry about rapping my testes too hard if I sat down on a wooden table like that.

    There are also times that I’d like to have a magic wand that would make a vagina + lady’s reproductive organs appear behind my testes.(I’d do it just for awhile, just for the new experience). If they had a vagina, “There would be so much more for men to do”, while masturbating.
    But, as one cartoonist has said, probably my newly acquired lady bits would likely lose their novelty when “that time” came around in 28 days.

    I really love your blog.It’s a lot of fun. : )

  • Kat says:

    I wouldn’t mind that either to tell you the truth. :D

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