I’ve alluded to the fact before that I don’t particularly care to listen to NPR, but that’s actually not quite true: I do actually like NPR, especially This American Life (when I remember to listen to it).

What I hate about it mostly is that it reminds me of Nat.

Now, I’ve listened to NPR before I met Nat, my parents alternate between this station and the classical music station, and anyone who has been to my parents house knows that the radio is always on. Truth be told, I never minded it. I like the commentaries, I like the programs, I like to make fun of the way that the people speak (a la SNL’s Shweaty Balls sketch), and it’s usually pretty interesting.

I’m no longer in the car for 4 hours a day, so when I am, I prefer to rock out to some real music rather than listen to talk radio. Besides, music drowns out my kids, talking will not.

But back in the day when I dated Nat, he listened to NPR like it was his job. And for awhile, it pretty much WAS his job. He’d gotten laid off and refused to find another interim job while he searched for another Help (less) Desk job. My sympathy was non-existent considering I was in nursing school full time and worked as a waitress to buy insurance, formula and diapers for Ben.

Anyhow, back to the story.

One of his favorite insults to throw in my face was that I lacked a “social conscience,” which never made much sense to me, considering even though I sucked at it, I was going to nursing school to care for the sick. Whereas he worked as a Help(less) desk pion at a company that manufactured garage door openers.

You be the judge of who lacked a social conscience.

Since I didn’t listen to NPR religiously, preferring to listen to stuff in the car that, oh, I don’t know, KEPT ME AWAKE SO I DIDN’T FALL ASLEEP AND KILL PEOPLE WHILE I DROVE, I obviously didn’t give a shit about the world.

He’d like to impart on me all of the terrible awful things that were wrong with the world, and then become inflamed when I told them that I didn’t need to hear them. Sure, he liked to TALK about these horrible things, but that’s all he really did: talk.

And as for me, I’d prefer not to rally against things and despise the world for being such a shitty place unless I was planning to do something to make it better. Of course I could sit around talking about how fucking sad it is that a famine is killing people in (insert country here) but unless I’m going to start organizing food and sending it over to (insert country here) I don’t need to be depressed about it. The world is a very depressing place if you look at things in one light, and if you look at it in another you’ll see that it’s also a very wonderful place.

Nat didn’t get that. He assumed that I would bury my head in the sand because I obviously didn’t care at all, and took any opportunity to tell me what a terrible person I was for this.

Now remember this: Nat didn’t really have a leg to stand on when it came to intellectual discussions. Although he’s a smart enough guy (his parents are both physicists) he barely graduated high school. His main aspiration in life is to talk loudly about stuff and do nothing good about it at all. He’s a veritable bag of hot air.

His ideas aren’t bad ones, recently he told me how he and his friend were talking about building some solar panels for a house (Nat lives in an apartment with his brother), but I guarantee you, I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS CHANEL, it will never go past the talking stage. Ever.

Nat is a judgmental bag of wind.

Take for example a simple conversation that I am reenacting from memory for your pleasure:

Becky: “I love those Nissan Pathfinders.”

Nat: “How dare you?!?”

Becky: “Especially in yellow. I usually hate yellow cars.”

Nat: “You’re such a fucking bitch!”

Becky: “What the FUCK are you talking about?”

Nat: “DO YOU KNOW WHAT SUV’S ARE DOING FOR THE ENVIRONMENT?”

Becky: “Dude, you drive a V-8 Crown Victoria. Is that somehow different?”

Nat: “YOU HAVE NO SOCIAL CONSCIENCE!”

Becky: “You do remember this car that you’re driving isn’t exactly fuel efficient, right? It gets what, 16, 18 MPG? HIGHWAY?”

Becky: “Besides, I said I LIKED them, not that I was going to BUY one.”

Nat: “YOU BETTER NEVER BUY AN SUV, BECKY. Did you hear about the earthquake?”

(end scene)

Trust me, if you want more mini-plays, HOLLER. You’ll especially like the one about…OH I CAN’T RESIST. ONE MORE, ONE MORE FOR MY INTERNET LOVERS!

(scene, Becky and Nat take baby Ben to the doctor for his 6 month check-up. The doctor has just berated Becky for starting Ben on solids before 6 months, something Nat has yelled at her about before. This is the car ride back to drop Ben and I off at my parents house)

Nat: “I can’t believe you started him on solids so young. I TOLD you it was a bad idea.”

Becky: “I thought he was such an asshole because he was hungry.”

Nat: “I TOLD YOU IT WAS A BAD IDEA, DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID?”

Becky: “Eh. Whatever. Not a big deal.”

Nat: “IT’S A VERY BIG DEAL, WHAT IF HE GETS ALLERGIES AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!”

Becky: “Bwahahahahahahah” (wipes tears) “bwahahahahahhaha”

Nat starts driving erratically because he’s now furious that I’m laughing at him. Keep in mind the baby is in the backseat here, and driving erratically is far more dangerous than solid foods.

Nat (through clenched teeth): “Oh GREAT, Becky. You’re possibly killing the baby with cereal and you think it’s funny? DO YOU?”

Becky: “Bwahahahahaha!”

Nat then squeals his tires into my driveway, I hop out, pull Ben out, and Nat storms off furiously, leaving a trail of burned rubber on the street directly in front of my house. It joins the rest of the patches of burned rubber.

Now, this makes Nat sound more dangerous than he really is. He’s a douche-bag for sure, and he’s pretty abusive towards me, but the situations are always funnier than they appear.

And you know what the moral of the story is?

BEN IS THE MOST HEALTHY KID I KNOW. And Nat is still the same douche-bag.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

23 Responses to Aunt Becky VS NPR

  • b says:

    What a fuck wit. But the Crown Victoria..we had one when I was in high school..that was a sweeeeeet ride. I could fit like 20 of my friends in that car! Didn’t you know that garage door openers would one day save humanity Becky?

  • Ashley says:

    Dude. You forgot the “I’m changing teh environment, ask me how” bumoper stickers he threatened to put on all offending SUV’s.

    Reminds me of Susann and her inability to enjoy Christmas with all of the terrible things going on in the world. I think she rivals Nat’s douche-ness.

  • Heather says:

    That’s what I’m talking about! Bwahahahaha! He’s such a nut job. That was hysterical — feels like Christmas morning here at Aunt Becky’s Place.

  • Vered says:

    Wow. Toxic relationships are terrible. I am so glad it’s behind you. I can’t imagine what this can do to a person’s self-esteem, although it seems like you’ve handled it quite well.

  • andi says:

    Oh my, doesn’t he sound lovely…

    I love all these people who are changing the world with their hot-air, claimed loathing of the evil SUV, random ribbon cause stickers on their cars, and turning off their lights for a whole hour a year. Ooh la la. All that inaction is bound to solve so many problems.

    I’ve decided much the same as you – unless I’m willing to get off my ass and help people in need, I refuse to be all depressed about the state of the world. I’ve even stopped watching the local news, because, meh, I could give a shit about the latest car accident or stabbing. What am I supposed to do about it?

  • Leslee says:

    Heh. My ex-husband is one of those bags of wind as well. Except his ideas generally involve some way that he’s envisioned that he’ll get easy money cuzz, you know, the world owes him and what not.

    I started Alex on solids WELL before 6 months and he’s awesome. Cereal went in the bottle around 2 months and jars of food were at 4 months. He WAS an asshole cuzz he was hungry and the amount he ate and grew I think proved that nicely. :-)

  • Kristen says:

    Wow, I am sorry that you still have to deal with that guy. I hate it when people bitch and whine about what everyone else is doing wrong in the world but do nothing about their own miserable lives.
    On the other hand, he does make good fodder for stories…

  • I stopped by via Honeywine’s page. I have a douchebag of my own. His douchiness is different from your ex’s douchiness, though. Sucks, doesn’t it?

  • Emily R says:

    Nice guy. Really nice.

    And? My pediatrician told me to go ahead and put the boys on solids at four months. By 5 months, the younger one at chicken every day because he was so fucking hungry ALL THE TIME.

    I am sure there was a piece on NPR about this… :)

  • kc says:

    Oh, you forgot about how he helps the world by spending a bunch of time on Adbusters and yelling at me for being in the industry. Meanwhile, isn’t Adbusters just responsible for a bunch of ads about how bad ads are?

    Dude.

  • Kristine says:

    Thank you!

    My husband is all up in arms about this Trans Texas Corridor thingy that they’re trying to build…I don’t want to talk about it…he wants to rant but he doesn’t want to attend a meeting about it or anything. But he thinks I just don’t care, but I really just don’t want to get all worked up over something I’m not going to do something about.

  • tash says:

    Ok, NPR is the only news I can stand anymore (save for the NYT). But like you said, that’s for when I want news. And many times, like right now in the thick of an election where I think people on all sides are acting like assholes (although I’m here to tell you I’m more plugged in than you might realize) I just need to go surf Pink Is the New Blog for a bit. Doesn’t mean I don’t care. People who get self-righteous about their news source(s) — no matter the flavor — need to CHILL.

    Nat sounds like he had other issues. Ahem.

  • Jenn says:

    WTF? I started my son on solids at 5 months because he was constantly trying to eat off my plate and he met all the other conditions. Bah. My daughter on the other hand pretty much refused to eat solids until she was 8 months old. To each his (or her) own.

    And yeah, Nat’s a douche-bag.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Hi. My name is Ms. Moon and I am an NPR junkie. I admit it. I can’t help it. I am powerless over my addiction.
    But I try not to rant. Really. Although sometimes I just…uh, go on and on. I know I do. I can’t help it. Because see- I’m powerless.
    Also, a nerd.

  • Becky – I see a Parade of the Douche Bags on the blog – I would be happy to contribute 1 or, maybe 5.

  • Wow he sounds exactly like the type of person I love to make fun of – more Nat stories please!

  • Sara says:

    Dang you and your lack of social conscience!!! You really should care and complain about all that is wrong with the world. Really now!! Gah!

    (I don’t have one either, by Nat’s standards anyway, so I would have done exactly as you did. However, I think Xterras are the second ugliest car on the road. A close second to the Honda Element, they don’t come in yellow because they would get mistaken for the short bus!)

  • Mumma Boo says:

    I turned off NPR and the local news when my daughter turned 3 and started asking waaaaay too many questions. As for Nat – yup, he’s great fodder for stories, but I’m sorry you have to put up with him!

  • Heather says:

    See there? I told you Nat would be a veritable gold mine.

  • Jenn says:

    What a *GREAT* guy! /sarcasm

    Seriously, were we with the same guy? My ex is a douche like that too.

  • birdpress says:

    I love how you dealt with him! Sounds like you always came out on top in arguments.

  • chris says:

    Man, I’m so pissed I missed this yesterday. I got too busy I couldn’t visit…Hey does Nat have a blog?

  • heather says:

    Sometimes I think the only thing that saves exes like that is not having a place to hide the body.

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