Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Aunt Becky, The Lost Years


Back when I had a life that could be documented in things beyond “seasons,” I took ridiculous amounts of pictures of myself doing bizarre things with my friends. I also threw outrageous parties, got drunk a lot and took more pictures of questionable quality. In short, my life was pretty much full of The Awesome.

Only problem was, I managed to somehow throw away the photo album that documented a lot of my more ridiculous times and while I don’t normally care about things, beyond my iPad, iPhone, iMac and Britney Spears Singles collection, I mourned this heavily. I had no digital copy of these exploits and my friends, while full of the awesome, had no copies of these pictures either.

So while I could TELL you that I did hilarious, nefarious things, I could also tell you that I’m really British royalty and then I could try to sell you shit.

Probably the best thing my mom has given me in years was a box of crap that we’d thrown in her basement years ago when we moved. In it was a couple of framed pictures, including one of me looking like I was about to have sex with a cup of Diet Coke (which, I mean, could be taken today), a picture of Ben in diapers, and an old wedding magazine.

At the very bottom, was my photo album: Aunt Becky, The Lost Years!

I nearly cried, except for crying is really lame and pointless, so instead I hid and looked at the pictures and marveled at how fun my life used to be.

Like this trip to Mexico that I took with my friend Jessica. We were both waitresses at the same place, and she was like the little sister I never had. She’d somehow managed to convince me to go onto a Party Bus and this was the Night Before Shot, taken right before I’d somehow found a cabbie to take us home.

See, she was so beyond drunk because she was 18 and thrilled that she could drink as much as she wanted that I couldn’t even count on her to help me find our crappy hotel, so I had to pool our money and find us a cab. Trouble was, I don’t think we had enough money and the cabbie probably put a hex on us because we were so annoying. Actually, I don’t remember getting into our room at all. Hm.

The Night Before.

And this was the Morning After Picture, right before we went down to the pool to start slamming tequila again. Hair of the Dog, baby.

Clearly, we are sexy broads. You know you want us (also: so much for the theory that bloggers only post very flattering pictures of themselves) to come over and drink your booze and then wake up in your bed looking like THAT. HA.

Now I can manage that same look WITHOUT having been wasted the night before. THANK YOU, my children. THANK YOU.


I share my most humiliating story over at Toy With Me today. It’s a doozy. You’d better come hold my hand, yo.

posted under Cheaper Than Rehab
57 Comments to

“Aunt Becky, The Lost Years”

  1. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:09 am Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him Says:

    Don’t worry, when you want to run for Mayor Becky, all those lost photos will come out of the woodwork!

  2. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know, they’re going to pull out the Latin Club picture when I get famous. Because it’s the WORST picture EVER.

  3. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:14 am V Says:


  4. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Let’s recreate it, duder.

  5. On April 27th, 2010 at 1:16 pm V Says:

    I think the beaches of Lake Michigan might be the perfect locale…

  6. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:17 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Those are the best kind of vacations.

  7. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    We should REALLY all take one. A bloggers vacation would be fucking awesome.

  8. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:21 am Amanda Says:

    I put my “lost years” on a memory stick in case new boyfriend gets snoopy with the mac one day. How much tequila I can drink and how well I can re-create Britney Spears dance moves and Backstreet Boys music videos probably won’t impress him.

    *by the way…the “most embarrassing story ever”… thing I’ve read all week, I’m still chuckling…

  9. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That story is so embarrassing that I don’t believe I shared it.

  10. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:40 pm Amanda Says:

    your embarrassment saved me from another monotonous day of staring at a computer screen. consider it a success!

  11. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Libby Says:

    Isn’t it sad that we look better in pictures of us hungover in our youth than in pictures of us perfectly sober now.

    Or is that just me?

  12. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! SO not just you.

  13. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:24 am a Says:

    I can hardly believe it, but I don’t think there’s a single picture of any of my drunken exploits. I guess we all needed both of our hands for drinks, so no one could carry a camera.

    I hope you’ve used something like this as your profile picture on FB!

  14. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I should change that to my Twitter profile picture. THEN everyone would believe that it’s me instead of sending me incredulous “IS THAT REALLY YOU?” DM’s. Like, um, who the fuck did you THINK it was?

  15. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:45 pm Minnie Says:

    Ah, the Lost Years… I believe that was one of the last boxes left in storage that my EX husband took.

    Whew, thank God we’re divorced because that was a 3-ring binder of, Holy Hell That Girl is Flexible.

    Just saying.

  16. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:47 am Emily Arse Says:

    Yeah, I am both bummed and relieved that I came of age in the time before digital cameras. I do have some pictures of my exploits, but Lord knows there would be thousands more if I had been 18 in 2005 as opposed to 1995. Your trip to Mexico sounds much like the one I took with my high school bff after graduation. We brought her parents’ nice camera to document our trip and ended up losing it on our first night on the town.

    LOVED the queef story, BTW. Still cracking up over here…

  17. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:33 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I cannot believe I had the audacity to share the queef story. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

  18. On April 27th, 2010 at 3:34 pm Melissa Says:

    Awww, man, now I cant wait to get home to read it! And you? You look good hungover! Ahh, the younger years.

  19. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:51 am Cara Says:

    Somehow, chilling at the pool and more tequilla after a night like that, sounds like the most kick ass way in the world to cure a hang over.

    Until now, that I realize I’m too old for that kinda shit anymore.

  20. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was 6 years ago and I’m STILL too old for it now.

  21. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:58 am pattypunker Says:

    yep, still want you!

    and youth is wasted on the young.

  22. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Sadly, that was only about 6 years ago. SERIOUSLY.

  23. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:59 am Megan Says:

    And it appears…a good time was had by all!!



  24. On April 27th, 2010 at 1:05 pm Badass Geek Says:

    There are no pictures of me drunk. Yet.

  25. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:06 pm mumma boo Says:

    All my drunken exploit photos have been burned. I hope.

  26. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:11 pm mumma boo Says:

    Still laughing about about the “q” story. Seriously, dude, stay away from that Boone’s.

  27. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:32 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    The queef story is so fucking embarrassing that I cannot believe I shared it.

  28. On April 27th, 2010 at 7:43 pm mumma boo Says:

    Think of it as a PSA for young women to stay the hell away from Boone’s. A queef story as your good deed for the day – you thoughtful, caring woman, you.

  29. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    Thats great! Its my birfday today, can I get a lap dance from you sexy bitches?

  30. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m all over that. Happy birthday, you sexy bitch.

  31. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Rachel Says:

    I relied on my then-boyfriend to document my college years (because we were obviously bound for marriage and True Love), and when we broke up, one of my lingering regrets was that I had no pictures of my college adventures (not even sure I’d want them, since he’d be in them all…).

    I started dating my now-husband shortly after college (we were friends at school), and about a year later, he surprised me with a corny DVD slideshow of all of the photos he had which I happened to be in. Sure, they’re photos of just one aspect of those years, and I’m still missing documentation of so many of my other adventures, but his caring and thoughtfulness to provide me with just a few memories made me so happy I cried all over him. I still drag that DVD out to watch occasionally, and marvel that when I lost my memories, he was willing to share his.

  32. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:31 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Okay, that’s about the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.

  33. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:22 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’ve recently been scanning my college years photos. Some are not safe for work, or really anywhere…. I just did post for tomorrow about one of me pouring vodka into a half full bottle of orange juice

  34. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:30 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, there’s a BUNDLE that aren’t blog-safe because of The Man, but wow, it’s nice to remember that I wasn’t always so fucking BORING.

  35. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:28 pm Kristy Says:

    I love looking at old, drunk, college, party-ing pics! The memories are always a little hazy though.

  36. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That whole trip is STILL hazy. The tan lines in most of the pictures are INCREDIBLE.

  37. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:31 pm MommyLisa Says:

    FULL of The Awesome.

  38. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    And The Ugly.

  39. On April 27th, 2010 at 12:44 pm Kelly Says:

    I have a ton of pictures in my basement from my hazy youth. I went on a drunken trip to Denver with a friend when I was 22, where we started drinking on the plane ride out, at 6 am, and didn’t stop until we got home. Those were the days. Now I get a buzz off of just. one. beer.

  40. On April 27th, 2010 at 1:58 pm Regina Says:

    I am so glad you found your photos! I think I have every photo I have ever taken, including 5000 of my first child, 1000 of my second and about 8 of my third. I was busy. Plus, the usual embarassing ones from my drunken days, which unfortunately occurred before Britney Spears was even born. And yes, I do look better in my hungover photos than I do totally straight now. That blows.

  41. On April 27th, 2010 at 3:15 pm Betty M Says:

    Good times!!

  42. On April 27th, 2010 at 5:00 pm Melissa Says:

    LOL, I read the story, but cannot comment over there because it makes you connect to them or some shit. That is embarrasing but I have some doozy’s too. Dont worry, queefs happen 😛

    Certain positions almost guarantee them!

  43. On April 27th, 2010 at 5:43 pm Barbara Says:

    My sister LOVES to post horrible pictures of me on her Facebook. stupid whore

  44. On April 27th, 2010 at 5:49 pm Melissa Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    Unrelated, thank you SO much for not having music play when I click on your blog.

    Those that do (you know who you are) *shakes fist at you!!*

  45. On April 27th, 2010 at 7:28 pm DG at Diaryofamadabathroom Says:

    Thank you Queen Becky of Windsor, I’ll take 7 Topsy Tomatoes and a Slap Chop please. AKA – I’ll buy whatever you’re selling.

  46. On April 27th, 2010 at 8:32 pm moonspun Says:

    You last line is the best…that said, would your kids recognize you if you showed them the picture???

  47. On April 27th, 2010 at 9:21 pm Kristin Says:

    My hubby always says he can’t run for office because, instead of skeletons in the closet, he has a whole fucking graveyard. Guess it’s a good thing you found your skeletons.

  48. On April 27th, 2010 at 11:20 pm Alexandra Says:

    What a memory. I don’t remember a thing about the crazy years…is that good or bad?

  49. On April 28th, 2010 at 7:09 am Trista Says:

    Those are awesome! Somehow all the pictures of me during my “hot mess” period have disappeared….or perhaps we were all too drunk to operate the camera.

  50. On April 28th, 2010 at 7:24 am Mary Says:

    You will do wild things again. Unfortunately, it will only be when you get a babysitter or your kids get older. At least those pictures were before Facebook. I went out with some friends to a Martini event and drank so much that for the first time in my life I could not walk a straight line. I mean I would walk to the right for three feet, then go back to where I meant to go then walk to the right all over again. Thank God I had a ride home. Anyway, the next day a picture appeared on Facebook . Me and my friends on a stripper pole. At least it makes my kids uncomfortable to look at it (bwaa-ha-ha)

    I live to embarrass my kids. Getting back at them for the teen-age years. Makes me glad I had them.

    You will do wild things again. Unfortunately, it will only be when you get a babysitter or your kids get older.

  51. On April 28th, 2010 at 7:25 am A Vapid Blonde Says:

    My college roommate scanned a picture of me on the toilet and posted it to facebook. Which given my fear of peeing in public I am surprisingly okay with.

  52. On April 28th, 2010 at 9:01 am Sam Says:

    Ohhhhh since I’m all medicated up today, what better time to fire up my scanner??? I have some hella sweet 18th birthday pictures….of my navel. Because I was wearing a belly shirt and doing tequila shots and anyone taking my picture was listing about 30 degrees. I would also really like to have some photoshop so I could merge our party pictures and we could be pretend BFFs. Oh Tussin and prednisone, you never let me down!

  53. On April 28th, 2010 at 6:37 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Ahhh, the good old days! I found a bunch of pics from my pimps and hoes bday party, complete with costumes and 40 oz Mickey’s. Made me laugh!

  54. On April 29th, 2010 at 10:01 pm Wendy at Mama Act Says:

    So this one time during sophomore year, my roommates and I popped 13 pounds of popcorn. This was before microwave popcorn. BMP. And then during the middle of the night we taped newspaper across the door of the sticks-up-their-asses prep school boys from Rhode Island who lived across the hall, leaving a small space betwen the newspaper and their door. A space that we filled with 13 pounds of popped popcorn. We took a lot of pictures of that.

  55. On April 30th, 2010 at 8:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Please tell me you can scan these pictures for me to see. Because I NEED THIS. HILARIOUS!

  56. On May 1st, 2010 at 9:02 pm Wendy at Mama Act Says:

    For you Aunt Becky, I have installed a driver on my computer so I can operate the scanner. Ok my husband installed it. I will send you the link once I post them. xoxo

  57. On May 10th, 2010 at 7:32 pm Wendy at Mama Act Says:

    Ok Aunt Becky. This one’s for you.

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