Now, you didn’t really expect your Aunt Becky to sit idly by while her crazy roommate oozed craziness all over the place, now did you? If you did, well, shame on you. Because if you don’t know me by nowwwww……
Aunt Becky puts the AGGRESSIVE in Passive-Aggressive, you know.
When it means butterfly and I first met, she told me that since she was bringing dishes to our room, I didn’t need to bring my own. And without knowing just how fucking nuts she was about her stuff, I listened.
Aunt Becky: 0
It means butterfly: 1.
A couple of months into our precious Maxi-Pad experience (this is what Stimps and I called our floor), after I’d been using her dishes to eat my delicious vittles on, and immediately washing afterwards, she blew into the room one day in a complete tizzy.
She immediately began yelling at me about not washing HER dishes quickly enough, which stunned me into momentary silence. Back then and to this day, I unfailingly make sure that dirty dishes are taken care of. It’s just something that I do. The only one who had not washed the dishes for days on end was her, not me.
I sat there and listened with a look of horror on my face for sure, and as she continued ranting at me about it, I began scheming.
Aunt Becky: 1
It means butterfly: 1
What she didn’t know is just what a shitty person I can be if provoked. And I ASSURE you that getting up in my grill about something I didn’t even DO WRONG is the last thing you’re going to want to do to me. If I’d done it, I’d have owned it, but since I didn’t, I got seethingly angry.
Rather than lashing back at her which would have just made her erupt in ugly fat tears, I decided to get even that night, when she had night class.
I waited until she left for class, grabbed Stimpy and got to work. I took every single plate of hers and licked it. I licked it, I goobered on it, and I put it back dripping with my saliva knowing that it would quickly dry in the warm Chicago fall weather.
Then I found her toothbrush and took it into the bathroom and bathed it in the toilet water for about 5 minutes.
Oh yes, yes I did.
Ain’t NOBODY done fuck with Aunt Becky and get away with it.
Aunt Becky: 3
It means Butterfly: 1
Another week passed, and it means butterfly went back to the farm for a weekend sure to be full of cow-tipping and outhouse peeing, and my mind began to churn. What else could I do to this fucking bitch?
The answer came in the form of my friend Mikey, who’d come up from Geneva to hang with me for the weekend. It means butterfly liked Mikey, so she agreed to let him sleep in her bed when she was gone. Mikey decided that the proper course of action was to wipe boogies on her pillow case. I didn’t know that he’d done this until she came home and accused me of doing this within 5 seconds of her arrival. She was nuts like that.
What she hadn’t realized is that had also, throughout the weekend, farted on her pillow countless times.
It means butterfly: 1
I’d like to sit back and tell you how much I regret being such a bitch to it means butterfly, and how I would never, ever do anything like this ever again but it would be a lie. Once provoked, I’m a complete bitch.
Dave is so going to come home tonight and smell his toothbrush for evidence that I peed on it. Little does he know that what I really did was to pee on his pillow.
Dish time for you, my loves. Tell me what the most vindictive thing you’ve ever done. And if you’re GOOD, I will tell you what I did that is missing from this list.