When I was a preteen, I was convinced that my parents were inhumanely inhumane because they were so cheap that they wouldn’t spring the extra two bucks a month for call waiting. For someone who lived with the phone glued to the side of her head, this was a BIG DEAL INDEED. What if I missed a Very Important Phone Call? I mean, someone could have seen someone pass a note in class and if I missed it, I might diiiieeeeee!

Oh, like you weren’t dramatic as a thirteen year old.

It wasn’t until later that I wore them down and they got cable TV, either, so I was stuck watching the crappy network channels. Oddly, I became sort of enthralled by infomercials. They were like their own little comedy goldmine all rolled up into a neat 30 minute package.

The announcers–pre-Billy Mays, whom, you should know, I mourned heavily–bounded from one side of the room to the other, all convinced of the merit of a product that even I knew was probably bullshitty garbage. And yet! And how! But wait! There’s more!

When I decided that 2010 was the year that I needed to bring Aunt Becky back from under the pile of dirty diapers and Lego bits, one of the first things that I did was to get a piece of exercise equipment. I love the gym like it was my job, but getting to the gym is about as easy as teaching my cat to use the microwave, so I figured I should bring the gym here.

But! Wait! There’s more!

I was going to LEARN from the mistakes of my friends! And my parents! I wasn’t going to drop thousands of dollars on a nice piece of equipment that would sit there, gathering dust and laundry.

I’d remembered seeing a small, fold up elliptical machine at The Sharper Image a couple of years ago for a couple hundred bucks. Which? If you’re going to buy something that’s not going to be used very often, why not go cheap and portable?

Well, turns out Sharper Image doesn’t make it any longer.

An Amazon search brought me to something even cheaper. I didn’t recognize the name, but I didn’t give a shit. For $80 plus free shipping (order now and you’ll get bonus good reviews!!) it doesn’t exactly have to scream out “I LOVE YOU AUNT BECKY!”

Universally, I got this response when I told people what TYPE of elliptical I got, “Bwahahahaha!” Exercise equipment does many things to me, but it doesn’t normally make me LAUGH, so I had to investigate.

Turns out that I bought a piece of exercise equipment from this douche:


This would be Mr. Tony Little. He sells The Gazelle. And he’s a DILL-BAG!

The unfortunate side-effect is that now I will be unable to stop thinking of Tony Little as I exercise now. He’ll be right beside me, his stupid flouncy pony tail flopping up and down while he yells, “Show me those big old pecs!”

Or maybe he’ll motivate me by telling me that the Gazelle can help me by healing my mind, body and spirit. He and his big, freaky, shiny arms. I don’t WANT my mind, body and spirit healed, Tony! I WANT TO FIT INTO MY SIZE SIX JEANS! I could give a shit about my spirit!

I don’t need to share my exercise room with a dude who looks better suited to be making 80’s era porn. Because that makes me want to shower in bleach, not work my ass harder.

I knew I should have stuck with Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred.


Bloggies? Me? WTF?

102 thoughts on “Aunt Becky Meets The Gazelle

  1. I had one of those. they make great clothes hangers!!! 😉

    Actually, I never thought to use it unless I was barefoot (which considering my shoes hit the closet as soon as I enter the apartment, is pretty much always) and the nice, non slip panels on it…yeah hurt like a mother.

    I’m convincing hubby to get me a Wii fit plus. **snickers**

  2. bwahahahaha! You and Tony Little working out together! Now I will have that in my head all day. Funny. Or not so fucking funny in two hours when Tony is still lurking in my head.

  3. Girrrrl, I can’t believe you posted about this today! I swear sometimes I think we share the same brainwaves. I saw this dude last weekend! And Dill-Bag is definitely a word I’d use.

    We were at a fancy restaurant here in Tampa. I live in the same neck of the woods as the headquarters for all these infomercials. Something about this part of the South just screams infomercials and Home Shopping Network. Anyway, this certain restaurant is a very lovely place where most folks get all fancy when they dine there. Not this dude. There was no mistaking him. He had the same getup as in your picture, except his hat had a camouflage pattern and his tank top was red. He had that same douchey ponytail and when I tell you his name is apt…He was shorter than me and I try to stretch it and say I’m 5’4″.

    My husband has some clients at HSN, so he was all-a-handshaking with the group as they were leaving and we were coming in and Mr. Tank Top was introduced to him as Tony Little.

    Perhaps Mr. Little knows what he’s doing, because he was definitely buff. I’d say not an extra ounce of fat on him. So, there’s that.

    I got a Pilates machine for Christmas. I’m not sure if it’s going to help me since my husband still hasn’t put it together! Hopefully soon, because the chocolate chip cookie dough has been calling my name lately.

  4. Hee Hee, Tony Little *IS* a douche!

    I am fascinated by informercials and should not be left alone in a room to watch one for fear I will drain my checking account. Currently, I am lusting over the Haan steam cleaner for my floor and some gadget that is both a brush *AND* vaccuum your furry pet all in one.

    Oh, and that damn Cindy Crawford got me on the Meaningful Beauty. I’m six months in with the Beauty. So far, not many results.

  5. Dammit, and here I was thinking, OMG! $80 elliptical machine! I could so go for that!–right up until I saw the picture.

    No. No. I just–no. I can’t. If I didn’t know and bought it and liked it, and THEN found out, then I could probably bring myself to keep it, but–no.

    And thank you SO MUCH for mentioning Tony Little and porn in the same sentence. Now I have to go scrub my brain out with bleach. 😉

  6. I had a Nordic track for awhile. Hell, it maybe out in the shed still. I rarely if ever used it. For reasons that escape me it is easier for me to go to the gym than get on a piece of equipment in my own home or pop in a DVD. I find it so much easier to quit at home.

    I love a good info. Billy Mays is greatly missed

  7. Join the 30 day shred. Seriously I can’t make it more than 3 days in a row without wanting to KILL HER! But it’s an amazing workout – with results.

    Start a 30 day shred update and I will workout with you.

    And my mom has a gazelle she wants to GIVE (not sell, give) me. I still haven’t bothered.

  8. I have always wanted to own the Ginsu (sp?) Knives. They cut cans and then a tomato perfectly.

    I need to cut a can NOW!

    Good luck with the fitness thing! I am not a huge fan of sweating in general, so I recommend eating next to nothing and then getting Wii Fit. It makes exercise fun (and humiliating)!!!

  9. ZOMG my brain! At least you can get toned from the sheer boughts of hilarious laughter when thinking about the dude’s stupid hat and hair. That is awesome.

    And oh man….at least your kids and The Daver will get a workout too, laughing at you!

  10. We only had ONE phone in our house until I was 15! Oh, the inhumanity of it! It was in the kitchen with an 80 foot cord that reached nearly anywhere on the first floor of the house. We didn’t get an extra phone line installed, call waiting or cable until I turned 16. I think by that time, my parents thought if they finally gave in, I might stay home more. By that time, it was too late, and I was out and about.

    I will snicker about you riding your Gazelle with 80’s porn Tony all day today. Giddey up, Aunt Becky!

  11. Either way it could prvoe to be very entertaining. I’m in denial (sp?) about my wobbly bits so perhaps I may or may not do something about it despite the fact that I wrote about it. I am not willing to give up on the only handle on reality that I have right now…chocolate and wine :p

  12. Will you tell us how you like the gazelle thing, idiot-seller-guy aside? Because I have to admit, I’ve considered one and wondered how small/cheap/space-saving it really is.

  13. Yeahhhhh, we had one of those. It’s gone now. I never felt like I burned any calories, and my friends would swing around and laugh at me. Sigh. Now I have a recumbent bike; it’s sort of like a chair with pedals but I enjoy it. Best of luck witcho’ Gazelle!

  14. Ah yes, the Gazelle. What a marvelous piece of machinery! I actually bought one a few years ago. It cost me about 200 bucks. It has done wonders for my DH. He looks just like Tony Little! Well, from the ponytail back, that is. The rest of him still looks like Buddha. My eight-year old had more fun on this than either DH or I did. The oversized hanger (almostaraider is right!) is currently sitting in storage.

  15. So now I can’t erase the image of you and Tony Little in a room together, with matching ball caps and pony-tails, and bad porn music playing in the background.

  16. I miss the gym (tear). But it is a pain in the ass getting the kiddos in even though I paid extra to have the use of the kid facilities they were always full.

    I just bought a jump rope. Now I need to buy a bra that will keep me from knocking my ass out when trying to use it.

  17. I have a friend who has one of those……..I guess she likes it……..I think I would like it…though I’m pretty sure I’d like a treadmill better. Good Luck and keep us updated on your results.

  18. I bought a gazelle a couple years ago. Used it like twice. I think it currently resides in our storage unit, where all the crap we are keeping but don’t want lives.

  19. HAHA!! But- do you like it?

    I figure if I can keep up with this weight loss that I seem to be experiencing, I might go with the P90X system. Have you SEEN those infomercials???? /sigh.

    1. Oooh, Melanie I did P90X before my wedding two years ago. NOT for the faint of heart, or weak, or lazy. I’m not saying you’re ANY of those, of course. But it is HAAAAAAAAAARD. And I didn’t lose much weight. I know I gained muscle, but not a lot of fat loss.

      Have you seen the Insanity infomercials? Now that’s some crazy shit.

  20. HAHAHAHAHAH. You’re like my dad. He has in his basement, what I like to call the equivalent of the crappy home gym system. Every single thing he ever saw on an informercial resides in their basement. He’d use each piece for like a minute, and then claim how great he felt.

    Come to think of it, maybe he was the Curves of the 80’s and 90’s.

  21. Hahahahaha! I love to watch Tony Little. I think he’s so funny.

    Today was the day I was supposed to go re-join the gym. As you can see, I am sitting here in a chair commenting on blogs, so, uh, that didn’t happen.

  22. I had try lie and make up something else that was the reason I was laughing, so I didn’t have to say to my 3 year old “Mommy’s laughing at the word dill-bag, sweetie.”

  23. GAH! That guy freaks me out. However I did google his image and got a close up of him pointing at YOU! Let me know when you need motivation and I will e-mail it to you in full size glory.

    Oh, and I am dying laughing too. At my desk, at work….

  24. Tony Little looks EXACTLY like a doctor I used to work for.

    Maybe imagine running from Mr. Little (blaahaha) while on your Gazelle?

  25. This is too funny! Somehow I’ve been able to resist Tony and his tempting “porny” ponytail, but I wasn’t so powerful with Jillian and ordered the 30 day shred in an attempt to get rid of my 3 baby belly. Maybe its just me, but sitting on the couch nursing a baby is the best time to watch infomercials. I thought I was the only one with the sad sad addiction. Now I’ve got to strap down the “twins” and get ready for some shredding. I must be a masochist because despite all of the comments about “pain” and not being able to walk, I’m still going to give it a whirl. But hell, if I fail, I can always plop back down with my pint of Marsha Marsha Marshmallow and watch Tony pump that Gazelle. Fun stuff girls.

  26. A: my mother got call waiting 5 years ago. Which was long after I graduated college.
    B: she still doesn’t have cable – but for that matter, neither do I.
    C: I’m rolling on the floor in laughter as I hear him talking about your pecs!

  27. Maybe now Tony Little will write in for your Ask Aunt Becky Column and see what advice he can get for finally getting a date with someone and how to cut down the shine that radiates off his body…maybe….

  28. I am with you… trying to get back into the size 6 jeans. My hubby is awesome, and he got me the Wii fit for Christmas, but I hardly ever get to use it. If my 4 year old sees it, he takes it over. Watching him do rhythm kung fu is a freakin riot, and I do laugh alot though. My husband uses it about 4 times more than me. I think I haven’t been on it in about a week and a half. Plus, it doesn’t have like a whole workout program, more like individual exercises, so I haven’t really seen much improvement yet. I think you have to like go and set up a routine for yourself, and I’ve only played the games or done a few of the exercises (guess I’m bad). Oh well. I’ll have to get more into it now that my baby is going to bed at a decent hour – yay me!!!
    Be sure to let us know how your porn machine works out. 🙂

  29. You just got it cause you wanted to have someone yell “Show me those big old pecs!” everyday, admit it!

    I remember getting some wacky Ad machine from him ages ago, for all i know it was the best workout machine ever, I just never used it.

  30. I totally love your blog! I can identify with you in much of your posts. Even if I can’t, I still get one hell of a laugh.
    “I could give a shit about my spirit” – Hehehehe!

  31. You nailed that little turd right. He DOES look like he belongs in 80’s porn. And wait a minute . . . aren’t you all smart and shit? What the hell are you buying something from him for? I know that you are trying to bring back the awesome and all, but won’t a Diana Ross wig and a couple of Zumba tapes get you there without having to think of that pony tail douche bag? Ay,yi, yi.

    1. Don’t you just picture him humping and thrusting with a tiny weenie and a couple of raisins where balls should be? Perhaps he’d wear prosthetic nuts. Tony Little “Clay Balls.”

      Food for thought, from Auntie Becky.

  32. My Dad’s best friend (who passed away in his early forties) was a camera man. He shot a lot of infomercials. He worked with Tony Little on numerous occasions and would tell us stories of how fucking fucked up this guy is. I will always stand by my believe that his pony tail is attached to that hat. I swear to God I just want to rip it off of his little head.

    Oh and for what it’s worth, my dad’s friend also shot Kindergarten Cop and said Arnold Szwasjhfksjdhfsdfger is really short. Ha.

  33. I just do my best to ignore the fact that I’m exercising on equipment shilled by Tony Little. Come on, we will set up our Gazelles side by side and laugh all the way to fitness.

  34. On the phone thing, I have you all beat – we had a party line until well after I left home at 17. Yes, a party line, which we shared with four other houses in our extremely rural neighbourhood. Our signal was two long rings; we could tell which neigbour was getting a call by the rings. “Oh, one long and one short, Flo’s daughter must be calling home again to complain about her boyfriend.” More often than not, while talking to a friend, I could tell that one of the nosy neighbours was mouth breathing on the line. Sometimes they would pick up the line and order me off so that they could make a call. It was hell.

    The reason we had a party line? Because my then-stepfather was the local phone company employee, and he couldn’t be bothered running additional lines out to our sparsely-populated area. I would use a pithy word to describe him, but there are children present. The word I have in mind rhymes with numbduck.

    If you think that Tony Little looks weird, find images of what Carrot Top looks like these days! Freakish, just freakish…

  35. My 71yr. old aunt has one and she swears by it. 😀 I really couldn’t resist telling you that. See. I do read the little cliff notes in the Vista sidebar when I get a chance. 😉

  36. Holy crap, I remember him from late-night informercials — Tony Little, Time Life middle ages music 89 cd collections, Suzanne Somers thighmaster — he was totally freaky!

    1. Jeez, the thighmaster. I SWEAR I bruised my chin before that made the movies on that thing. When it made it into the movies I was just relieved it wasnt just me.

  37. LMAO – Do not want a picture of Tony Little in my head, and now, sadly – he’s there! It’s going to take days to get over this…….Thanks for the laugh.

  38. i seriously died laughing when you posted this. especially the “i bought it from this douche”. however you should have posted the picture of him on the gazelle with some chick. it looks like he’s trying to mount her a la wild gazelle. i can’t even look at those things without getting the creeps from that guy.

    love your blog, btw. keeps me laughing all day at work.

  39. We got a Bowflex. It clearly states in the commercial that after six weeks you will be totally toned and have six pack abs.

    Did you know that simply owning one is not enough!?!! Apparently you have to take you fat ass into the basement and actually use the damn thing.

    Let’s have Aunt Becky’s Biggest Loser – We can get the Jillian Michael’s Shred and all start together! Whadda you say?

  40. Tony would be much better suited as the extenZe dude. Jillian scares me though…not sure whether she would try to kick my ass or kiss me. Wouldn’t be too thrilled with either.

  41. Tony Little creeps me the fuck out. Mr. Realist and I were members of a gym once upon a long time ago, and I tried the Gazelle (three of them had been donated when they opened…what does that tell you?). First time out, went right over the front and caught the floor with my face. You practically have to have perfect balance for that shiz.

    Starting our Couch to 5K on Monday….

    1. Dude. YOU’RE SPOT ON. My balance isn’t great, but I can handle it. I’ll be careful not to Gazelle drunk, though. No floor catching for my face. I don’t need anything to make me uglier.

  42. I saw screw the Gazelle and pass the Vodka…which explains why the Wii Fit is still shrink-wrapped and the treadmill is covered in dustbunnies (okay, at this point they’re more like dustmice…or dustrodents…whatever).

    1. I SAY screw the Gazelle and pass the Vodka…which explains why the Wii Fit is still shrink-wrapped and the treadmill is covered in dustbunnies (okay, at this point they’re more like dustmice…or dustrodents…whatever).

      I can’t even freakin’ spell…must be the Vodka.

  43. If you want to erase Tony Little from your mind, I have a picture of my 290lb 6’4″ boyfriend on the gazelle. Flipping me off. It’s awesome. He started using it when he found it hard to tie his shoes. I told him to get over it and join the club.

  44. We had one of those! We gave it to my FIL in preparation for his knee replacement and he actually lost 50 lbs using it and some physical therapy. Problem? He had to move it for a family gathering one time and never moved it back.

  45. See, I would spend the entire workout convincing myself that I’m a better person than Tony Little for various reasons I would make up while I exercised. Then I could be really proud of my ability to do things like breastfeed (they’re not necessarily good reasons) while I pictured his flouncy ponytail.

    When in doubt, I like to get angry and resentful at random people.

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