Did you ever see that movie where those yuppies sold all of their crap and RV-d it across America? THAT’S AWESOME and I TOTALLY want to do that. Except I wouldn’t bring my children because while they’re kinda cute and lovable, I really don’t want to deal with them complaining about stopping at seedy truck stops while I search for a lighter that looks like a gun.

(side note: I adore truck stops)(one time, I had a fantasy where I was going to BECOME a trucker until I realized it’s kind of a dangerous profession for a woman)

Anyway, I like to pretend that one day, I’ll be able to do just that: roam the country and hang out with my Pranksters. Perhaps I’ll even get drunk, make an ass of myself (which I do sober, too) and vomit on your carpeting! I know, don’t all line up to invite me over at once, hear?

For now, I have to settle for NYC at the end of the week, where I’ll hopefully meet at least SOME of my Band of Merry Pranksters.

Now I will attempt to answer a question I get a lot (also questions I get a lot: “why are you so annoying?” (answer: I was born that way) “why does anyone put up with you?” (I pay them highly) and “how do I get more blog traffic?” (mayonnaise!)):

Are you really like this?

And the answer is…yes. Mostly.

1) I really do want to meet you. I offered to exchange phone numbers a couple of weeks ago, and I meant it. My offer still stands, although I will pester you to then send me a picture of you flipping me the bird. I’m attempting to populate my address book with these gems.

So email me. I mean it.

2) If you happen to see me and I have a weird look on my face, I am probably very confused. I take high doses of a medication whose side effect is “cognitive impairment,” which is a fancy-pants way of saying, “this shit will make your ass stupid (er).” So, it’s likely I’m making a bad face because I am confused by something, not because I hate you.

3) Please come and say hello to me no matter what I am doing. Because chances are, even if I am in the middle of writing a thesis about why sausage is sorely underrepresented in today’s billboards (WHY GOD!?!), I’d much rather you said hello. And maybe came along to join in with whatever mischief I am managing.

C) With a few notable (read: my panel) exceptions, I have very little planned for the trip, which leaves the trip WIDE OPEN for all kinds of Pranking and Mayhem-Creating. I expect your help in this. Yes, YOU.

7) You should come to my panel, if you’re going to the conference.

It’s on Friday from 1:15-2:30 and I’m speaking with the Mouthy Housewives about stuff-n-things. Luckily, it’s on Friday, so we should all be fairly lucid. Mostly.

You will know me because I am the only swarthy dark-haired one.

5b) I’m perhaps a little nicer in real life, but that’s maybe subject to debate. I guess it depends on what your definition of “nice” is. But I’m not going to be all snarky on your ass if I don’t know you. I do have SOME manners. And by “some” I mean that I’m mostly housebroken.

9) I can’t say no to most dares. But I’ll make you reciprocate with a dare of your own. BE WARNED.

K) I may hump you while I eat a hot dog. It’s probable, actually. Sorry.

10) I have a gigantic inflatable #1 finger. It’s pretty much awesome and I plan to use it whenever possible.

87) I want to remake the Beastie Boys “Sabotage” video while we’re in NYC. With Ninjas. Because, obviously.

aa) I may spend all of my time trying to track down my 2nd television husband, Anthony Bourdain. I may not.

08) Once I get an idea in my head about doing something off the wall, I can’t stop myself from doing it. If you’re with me and I’m in the middle of it, yes, I probably mean it. It’s better to either get out or buckle up.

42) Pictures = awesome. But we may have to find hilarious poses first. Because you don’t want to look back and be all, “wow, another stupid picture.” You want a hilarious picture of us flinging donuts at other (unassuming) bloggers. Then you want a picture of us being chased by aforementioned bloggers. CLEARLY.

11) There really is very little I won’t do.

——————–

So, Pranksters, are You, In Real Life, how you appear on your blog?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

79 Responses to Aunt Becky In Real Life

  • Wendi says:

    Fine. But I’m sort of swarthy in a Norwegian way, too.

  • Interesting that you’d fail to mention that you have a Siamese twin.

  • I would say yes I am as I appear on my blog mostly because I tried being other people and their skins itch, chafe and/or leave a rash. I have no idea how that guy from The Silence of the Lambs could wear clothes made from other people’s skin without a ton of baby powder. Now there’s an idea. I need to pick up some baby powder on the way home…

  • Carol says:

    Ahhh Aunt Becky, I’m exactly like my blog, except with more swear words and wine!

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Yo Aunt Becky. I emailed you my digits and still haven’t heard shizzle back from you. What’s the dealio?

    You know I lurves you, right?

    PS…check the dwink email

  • ColinP says:

    I am exactly like I am in my blog. Wish I could join the fun down in the City but alas bills need to be paid and my boss frowns upon not showing up for work. You may not be able to track down your other husband but you can still eat in his restaurant. I have been told the french fries are to die for.

  • Rebecca says:

    I am pretty sure that I am way more outspoken on my blog than in real life. BUT, once I get to know someone really well, then I open up a bit and am a bit closer my blog persona. So, I’m basically shy at first but once I get to know someone then watch out, I get kinda crazy.

    Also, you should totally come to visit me Aunt Becky. Actually, there is a girl who follows you on facebook and probably your blog too, that lives near here so you would be visiting her and me too. And I’m all about getting really funny photos…….and bring your kids…so my kids can meet your kids because something tells me that if Mimi and Joey get in the same room…….it’ll be good.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I totally would come visit you. If I can swing a roadtrip, I’d totally come down south. We’re kinda neighbors if you squint and stuff.

      • Rebecca says:

        And, there are lots of cool things for kids to do around here. Come in the fall on a school break or something and go to The Zoo and the Science Center (the planetarium for Ben) are both free to get into!

  • Krissa says:

    Oh dear. It was so much fun stuff about you and then it ended with a question about something I am supposed to seriously answer.
    (That was me, stating the obvious.)
    No. I am much, MUCH worse. Worse? Better. Yes, that’s it… definitely better. Ok, it depends on whether or not you have to clean up after me…

  • amber says:

    I’ll be at the panel…but prob’ly standing at the back, since I’m late for everything. Which makes me kinda like I am on my blog, since posts are indeed posted late at night. I am pretty much that same woman in most respects – just less eloquent.

    BTW, I am aware that I have been horribly absent both here and on Mushroom Printing. I blame the whore masters who demand I complete seven bajillion deadlines before gallavanting off to BlogHer (partially on their dime).

    It is not permanent, I promise.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Being late is no problem, BUT SHOW UP OR I WILL CRY AND STOP MY FEET AND NO ONE WANTS THAT.

      And no worries. MP is just fine.

      • amber says:

        Nope. Don’t want foot stomping. If I am late, it may be because I dashed off to Les Halles for a meal (and a half hearted hope that Anthony Bourdain will be there). I heart that man.

  • Christa says:

    I am much more innocent/normal on my site than I am in person. I get to filter out 60% of the crazy. Why filter? Cause you never know when family will pop by and they don’t need to read about me obsessing over Cheese Whiz. Really, no one does. Those thoughts are for me alone. . .and my husband if he is in the room when I start thinking out loud.

  • I write it as I see it. I am usually perpetually confused.

  • Sarah says:

    #1. I’m pretty much in real life exactly like I am on my blog, except far more physically attractive and with 250% more profanity use, motherfuckers.

    #Next. Women truckers = generally VERY SCARY. My fiance used to drive a truck and took me with him for a couple of weeks last summer. Those bitches are FRIGHTENING. I don’t think the road is any more dangerous for them, because they look like they would CUT YOU at the first sign of trouble.

    The thing that got me, though, was the hookers. There was this hooker dressed in leopard print who actually jumped up on the side of fiance’s truck and asked for a “drink of water.” But in order to accept said water, she’d need to come into the truck with him.

    Um, but yes. Normal, non-scary, non-hookery women need to watch out on the road. Also, the CB radio conversations are fascinating.

    I should make a blog post about “Life on the Road” (except call it something way less lame, because, obviously), rather than regaling your comment wall with such things.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Dude, I’d SO love to read that post. And women truckers are scarier than I am. I’ll cut a bitch, but really, I’m not very mighty. And my fists of fury aren’t…furious.

  • Amber El says:

    Oh Aunt Becky, sometimes I think we are the same person.

    My blog is still in its infancy, so it hasn’t developed much of a personality, and sticks to mostly throwing up on people. So yes…exactly like me in real life.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Have you SEEN Mushroom Printing? Because..uh…that was my first blog. Only WP didn’t have a SPELL CHECK BACK THEN. And I? CANNOT SPELL.

      Go ahead. Laugh.

  • Anne says:

    Giant! Inflatable! #1! Finger! JEALOUSSSSS!

    I have a collection of those #1 foam fingers sold at major sporting events. I figure, if I’m going to waste money on a piece of crap you don’t really want just because you CAN and it is THERE, then I’m going to go balls-out and get THE MOST USELESS thing ever. Of course I am.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Um, that’s kind of way awesomer, dude. Actually, I’m robbing you for them because mine is inflatable. Which is bullshit, now that I’m thinking about it. So fuck my bullshit inflatable finger. FUCK THAT NOISE.

  • thenextmartha says:

    How do you feel about “street meat?” I am on the fence.

  • If I were attending Blogher, you’d see that I am practically exactly the same in real life. Except for my talent of ripping startlingly realistic mouth farts. It’s a gem. Apparently it won me a husband. Who knew?

  • drlori71 says:

    I thought I was exactly the same person I appear on my blog, but when people who know me IRL read my blog they all say, “Why aren’t you this funny IRL?” So I guess what they’re trying to tell me is I’m a boring loser mofo in real life. Great.
    I won’t be meeting you in NYC because this weekend I’m on call. Yay me. But we both live in the IL burbs, so I’ll just start stalking you instead. (Eh, what’s another restraining order to add to my collection) :-)

  • Jackie says:

    Ya know…. I love reading your blog! It’s entertaining and about real life! What more could you ask for?!?!

    Now, in comparison, my blog is kinda boring! But it’s me all the way. But I’m pretty sure if I had a zany cohort like Aunt Becky the posts would be way more fun!!

    My goal… go to blogher next year, find you, and see what mayhem ensues!

  • Now I am really really really pissed that I am not coming to Blogher. I would totally remake the Sabotage video with you, and stalk Tony Bourdain.

    But nooooooooo I have to stay home and take care of the chiiiildren whose father claims he has ‘work’ to do in another city and cannot take them with him. He’s currently sitting in an RV watching Firefly videos, which is totally a child friendly activity. He just doesn’t want me to have any fun

  • oh, and to answer your question I am totally all me on my blog, with maybe a tad less swearing because my mom reads it.

    I gave up pretending to be someone else to meet others expectations when I was 35 and finally admitted that not only am not really all that fond of camping I actually loathe & despise it with every fiber off my being and felt so liberated I dropped all other pretenses as well.

  • Elly Lou says:

    Shit. Now I’m thinking about bringing my ukulele so we can record a rousing version of “Build Me Up, Buttercup.”

    I mean, you don’t if you’re going to go to the trouble to find super awesome ninja costumes, you want to get maximum mileage out of them don’t you?

    I dunno if I can learn “Sabotage” on the uke that quickly. Would you settle for Outkast’s “Hey Ya!?”

  • Bill says:

    I haven’t read the previous comments because I am lazy and I hope I mine is the most original…but if you are looking for zany pictures to be taken, may i suggest Madison square park and these…very well endowed… statues: http://www.usatoday.com/travel/destinations/2010-03-25-new-york-city-gormley-statues_N.htm

    There are several placed around the park, to be used in a way that only you, Aunt Becky, can use them! ;-)

    Oh…and Shake Shack!! ;-)

  • Katy says:

    Instead of flying. Drive. Yes, all 20 hours. And stop in Columbus. And we can stop traffic, wear costumes, (Wear costumes WHILE stopping traffic?!), cause mayhem, and yes, throw donuts. Only we can throw them at the hipsters instead of the bloggers.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    “are You, In Real Life, how you appear on your blog?”
    Times a thousand.

  • Shin Ae says:

    I’m not going, but I wish I was. I am totally campaigning for an Aunt Becky visit, though. You should know that my town is home to a couple pretty fantastic truck stops. One has showers and a buffet. That’s my favorite one.

    I don’t have a blog at the moment, but in real life I think I am very much like a sleepy dormouse most of the time, but will suddenly wake up and freak out and either have to madly clean all the floors in the house, or go dancing, or do something very ridiculous. Then I zone out again, until next time.

  • heh… you know that annoying friend who totally embarrasses you in public because all those snarky-ass things you THINK are the same snarky-ass things she actually blurts out… that’s me.

    I like to think, that in real life, I’m a little more fun and less whiny-bitch than on my blog. My blog is the place I go to vent- I don’t do that a lot in real life- I’m in the camp of life’s too damn short- if I was at blogher, I’d probably be that crazy woman dancing on the table having everyone giggle and comment on how shitwrecked I must be… and the really scary thing is that I would be sober!!

  • Mystern says:

    Seeing as how I don’t write my own blog I wouldn’t know how I’m portrayed. But based on the posts about how awesomely amazing I am, yeah, I think it’s pretty fucking accurate. ‘Cept I swear a lot in real life. Like, a Fucktonne.

  • swedishskier says:

    I’m a little more of a trouble maker in real life. More likely to stick each of your fingers in a different type of condiment lid while you sleep or hid your covers and leave you a ransome note from the “blanket monster.” I think my blog has gotten boring but I just don’t want to stop because of all the blogger people I like in the world and because sometimes I have a thought that I’m just not sure where else to put. Wish I could come to blogher. Because its in NY and because it would be awesome. But I’m too pregnant for anything but naps and letting my friends henna tattoo my giant belly. Which was fun. Jesus, this is a long comment. Anyway, I meant to say that I used to say that I was going to become a truck driver all through college because I’d make the same amount of money but get to travel all over the country pretending to be different people. I lived in my car for a while and befriended lots of truck drivers and you know what? Not a single. creepy. experience. Whoda thunk it?

  • joann Mannix says:

    If I were going, which I’m not, I cannot turn down a dare, either and I my dares are bad ass. So, we would probably get arrested, so in hindsight, it is probably a very good thing I’m not going. The Daver would be mighty pissed at me for the bail bond.

    I’m so glad to hear you are not one of the snark girls. There are just too many blog bitches out there. Althoughhhh, if I were going, we could maybe, you know, run around giving wedgies to the high and mighties. Just a thought.

    Oh and I have something to tell you and you are NOT going to like it. I have this friend who’s a big time chef and I just saw him a couple of weeks ago and I was grilling him, (no pun intended) on all the celebrity chefs. He may or may not have said your chef husband is something that may or may not rhyme with goosh. And I know there is no such word as goosh. Work with me here! I can’t think of anything else that rhymes. But, you get the picture. I know. I was crushed, too because I’m next in line for him if you ever tire of his beautiful bad boy ways.

  • joann Mannix says:

    Oh, and I am just as I appear on my blog, silly, Bono-loving, over freakin’ run by dogs and teenaged girls who talk entirely too much and of course, blonde and narcissistic.

  • You’re scaring my kiddies! And I didn’t even remember that I don’t have any kiddies until just now, when the vomit on the carpet alarm went off. Gotta run.

  • Kathryn says:

    In real life I swear a LOT more than on my blog. I also am a lot more sarcastic but I am equally as awesome. Oh and I look nothing like my cute little chick logo.

    I will be at BlogHer, just got a ticket this week. I’ll be the chick in the back of your session screaming “where’s the vodka, Aunt Becky promised vodka !”

  • Ms Dreamer says:

    O, Bex. IRL I’m still the same Ms Dreamer…except I think I swear more and I can’t tell people what I think of them, and all I need is one or two mixies and I’d be up for just about anything!

    Too bad I’m not going to BlogHer. Boo to the crap job with no monies!

  • The Mommy says:

    I am, in almost no way, the person I portray on my blog. I’m louder, cruder, more funner (yes, I said that on purpose. No, I wasn’t an English major), smarter, sillier, and much, much more open and honest about my whole life (read: I actually CAN talk about more than my kids. I just don’t on my blog). You see, my family reads my blog. If they knew most of the stuff I say, well, let’s just say that their opinion of me would be shattered. I shoulda been an actress…

  • Nicole says:

    Epic win for truck drivers.
    Back when my bestie and I were pathetically pathetic ( or maybe just too cool for our own good) we were totally going to start and all female truck driver ninja gang ( /lesbians/ crazy cat-ladys, but that was optional)
    Ahh..good times

  • JenniferB says:

    Oh, Aunt Becky, I SO wish I was coming to this conference to hang out with you and make mischief. Unfortunately, life (kids and job) preclude me from pranking with you. Bummer. But yes, I guess I am like I am in my blog, except I hardly ever write in my blog because I have no time! When I do have time, I try to sleep or watch Dexter or True Blood. But actually, I guess I swear more. Sensing that wouldn’t be a problem in real life. :) Can’t wait for the cruise!!!!

  • I am exactly the same in real life as I am on my blog–especially now, in light of the past week. I am raw, exposed, and honest. It sucks and it’s liberating at the same time. I KNOW you can relate.

  • a says:

    I don’t take dares, but I am the girl who will do that thing that everyone else thinks would be hilarious – except they’re not willing to do it. So, if you say you want to throw donuts and start doing it, I’ll stand back and watch. But if you and 3 other girls stand around discussing throwing donuts for five minutes, I will say “Oh, for God’s sake, I’LL do it” and start throwing donuts. That pretty much says that I’m just impatient.

    Not going to BlogHer, but you know, if you’re going to visit Rebecca, stop by on your way. I think we’re probably even closer.

  • Robin says:

    Have your number in my phone…now all you need is my middle finger. Can’t wait to meet you this week!

  • Andygirl says:

    oh man I SO wish I was going! poop.

  • CycleNinja says:

    With regret, I cannot attend. But I’m budgeting for the cruise. I might have to rent my cabin roommate, though. Such is my love life.

  • Yes, I am the same in real life as I am in my blog. Except I sometimes get a little nervous when I meet people for the first time which makes me laugh like Kendra from the Girls Next Door with a litte Mary Katherine Galager thrown in there, too. Please be kind!

    Looking forward to meeting you!

  • gorillabuns says:

    man… i so wish i was going so we could make that ninja movie together.

  • katrina says:

    Dearest Becky, my favorite aunt,

    I wish so hard that I could come to BlogHer and wreak havoc with you. Why, oh why did the conference have to fall on the same weekend as my own wedding?

    While I may be spending the day getting wedded, I will be thinking of all the mischief we could be getting into.

    Yours fondly,
    K. Jo

  • the Matty says:

    I’m looking forward to living vicariously through you on your trip to the city. I haven’t been back since I returned to ATL a year ago and miss it badly.
    I’m sure you have tons of things to do w/ your evenings (read: places to drink), but if I can make any recommendations for cool stations for libations, let me know. I’ll gladly forward a list from the ridiculous to the sublime.

  • Misty says:

    Yep, it’s true. I’m just like my blog appears… only I say “fuck” A LOT more in real life. Give me some time, I’m sure it’ll come out eventually. I’ll send you my digits. I’m always looking for someone to send ‘the middle finger’ to. ps- if you ever make it to Atlanta, I’ll buy you a shot… or seven.

  • sara says:

    Hmm, I think I’m pretty much like I am in real life how I am on my blog. You would be great to meet sometime :-) I’m jealous of those chicks who get to do so before me, LOL!

  • AmyBlam says:

    Dude, I have your digits and vice versa. We are so meeting up. I am constantly, and usually, not purposefully causing trouble/scenes/international incidents. It’s just how I roll.
    Somehow, I’ve never been arrested though that ALMOST changed at Target today while we were school supply shopping and I loudly proclaimed that 65% of the people shopping today while the remaining other than me, were just jerks. I started to say assholes but didn’t want bratchild looking scarred.
    I’m pretty much exactly how I am on my blog. Though some cockholsters think since I am sarcastic I am not happy, which couldn’t be farther from thr truth. Other than that I’m probably louder. And more klutzy.
    Where will you bees Thursday night?

  • Kyddryn says:

    I am always myself, which may be the problem. Oh, well…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • Jen says:

    I am really sorry you’re not coming to San Diego!! I hope you have a FAB time in NYC!!

  • Briar says:

    I better see you. I am going to text you a photo of me flipping you off but not now because it seems rude at this hour of the middle of the night. Also if I took that picture now it would be all black since I’m in a dark room. Soooo maybe you can take it your own damn self at BlogHer. Where I WILL be seeing you again.

  • TeDiouS says:

    Aunt Becky, how do you feel about a road trip to England to visit me? Or…plane trip? That doesn’t sound nearly as good. Boat trip! Swing your family reunion cruise in my direction, k?

    And…yes, I am exactly the person I am on my blog. If I ever wrote on my blog. Must write on my blog…

  • SciFi Dad says:

    This post kinda makes me glad I’m not going to BlogHer this year.

  • rys says:

    I’m probably more socially awkward in person than my blog. That is until I get comfortable. I’ll be at Blogher with Kristin C. I’ll email you, check the dwink account.

  • Nic says:

    Yep. Just like I appear. Completely unedited.

  • MamaSkates says:

    i’m SO sad i won’t be there…especially now that i hear u have so much time to hang :0( have some fun for me tho!!!

  • Neeroc says:

    If, in my blog, I appear to be 40 and tired, then yep, just like that. With a lot more swearing in real life. I’m still working on getting my nut bar back. She fell into a coma a while ago. Someone really should have warned me that having your first kid at almost 38 is insane.

  • Suniverse says:

    O.k., listen. You are already in NY, and this is a late comment to a post from a couple of days ago, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do NOT remake the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video until I meet you. But I won’t be in New York. So you need to wait. O.k.? Please?

    Because that is my DREAM GOAL fantasticness thing I want to do.

  • mommymae says:

    if you didn’t end up remaking the sabotage video, next year. san diego. i’m there.

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