A couple of weeks ago, because I’d been too busy watching dancing cat videos, I forgot that I had Jury Duty. I’d actually been pretty excited to serve, because I watch Law and Order: Their Life Sucks More Than Yours So Shut Your Whore Mouth like it is my job and I was all, “IMMA JURY OF MAH PEERS, YO” so when I opened my date book and saw I was four hours to late to show up, I panicked.

Immediately, I tried to figure out what to do when the cops showed up to bust me for contempt of court. I put on a full face of makeup and hid in the bathtub for awhile while I contemplated blacking out a couple of my teeth, just in case COPS, the TV show, showed up, too. I mean, this was my television debut, and I should act the part, right?

Eventually, I got cold and bored and the lure of Uncrustables pulled me from the tub. I put on one of those fake mustache and glasses, which meant that when the cops DID show up, I’d fool them. Clearly, I wouldn’t look like Your Aunt Becky any more. I’d look like an entirely different person now!

The following day, I realized that I liked to wait as much as I liked to cook (read: not at all), so I called the number on the back of the Jury Duty summons.

Me: “I’m a total idiot and forgot to show up yesterday for Jury Duty. I considered fleeing the country, but figured I’d call you first. I’m really sorry.”

Her: “Bwahahahaha! Happens all the time. We weren’t going to arrest you.”

Me: “OHMYGOD I hid in the bathtub for an hour. But it was really like twenty minutes. But still, I’M SO SORRY.”

Her: “BWAHAHAHAHA! The cops do have better things to do than stalk people who forget Jury Duty.”

Me: “OHMYGOD that’s so relieving. I didn’t want to have to adopt a new identity!”

Her: “No! You don’t have to do that! We’ll just put you back in the Jury Pool. When is good for you?”

Me: “Doesn’t really matter. I don’t have a job or anything.”

Her: “How’s November 8th?”

Me: “Sign me up!”

Her: “You got it.”

So there I had it. My new date in court! I was all a-flutter! I was going to help DECIDE THE FATE OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DELICIOUS UNCRUSTABLE. I couldn’t have been more excited.

Until, looking at my slightly unexpected surgery date, November 3rd, I realized that November 8th was…uh…kinda close. Like, really close.

I debated what I should do. Should I call and try to reschedule AGAIN? Get a doctor’s note? Limp my sorry ass in there with a cane and sexy drains hanging out, all doped up on pain meds?


To think straight, I put on the fake mustache and glasses. Then I called the Jury Duty lady and left it up to her.

January 3.

Watch out, petty criminals: AUNT BECKY is coming to give you JUSTICE.

Probably while wearing my fake mustache. Just so I can think straight. AND so they can’t find me and firebomb my car or something. Because, obviously.

No one will recognize me!

67 thoughts on “Aunt Becky, Fugitive No More

  1. Don’t you look awesome in your incognito get-up. Kinda like Inspector Clouseau’s cute kid sister.

    And I so wish I was more local to you so I could come by and change your diaper… oh, you want your baby’s diaper changed? Well, that’s another story…

  2. Thanks for the laugh hon. The mustache totally makes the disguise.

    As for coming to visit, why the hell don’t you live closer so I could actually come and hang with you?

      1. Sweetie, I love you dearly but I AM NEVER EVER MOVING AGAIN. I despise moving with every single fiber of my being…so, ummmm , that will have to be no.

  3. i was always kind of bummed that i never got to do the jury duty thing. all of my friends and family were getting their summons to jury duty – except for me. my brother even got to do grand jury duty! i was jealous.

    suffolk county, new york FINALLY summoned me for jury duty in july of 2006…

    …. three weeks after i moved to clermont, florida.

  4. I dare you to stand up in the middle of the sentencing of the guy and tell him to shut his whore mouth! I’ll pay you! I mean, I have a dollar in dimes and nickels… that enough?

  5. Is this the part where someone’s supposed to say, “Now see, if Dubya was still President, things like this wouldn’t happen. All you scofflaws would be rounded up and put in jail like the criminals you are. You wouldn’t get no do-over from the jury duty lady!”

  6. Since we’re new internet BFF’s, I thought I should say BREAK A LEG on your surgery and screw the naysayers! They are probably just jealous. I’ve been sliced open from the back and would recommend it to all my internet BFF’s. Also, are you wearing Bella’s engagement ring in that picture? If so, well, I just don’t know where I was going with that one but it does kinda look like it and if you tell me you know what I am talking about then the universe makes sense all of a sudden. ; ) And, I think our online meeting broke Twitter. Good thing I’m IT and can totally fix it.

  7. Love. You. That’s a super-awesome disguise. Go and enjoy your surgery (oh, you know what I mean). And when you’re back in ass-kicking shape, go throw down some law at ’em!

  8. So I’d be all up in your business (making snarky remarks about your wallpaper and all)! I lived in Charlack (assuming you mean St. Charles, MO – I don’t know of another…) a couple years ago… but alas, you will have to make do without me. Best to you, my prayers are with you and your surgery.

  9. I must admit I could see where you’d be freaking out. They make you think you’re going to be facing capital punishment if you miss the dates, when all honesty they have no real intention of doing anything about it. I always love reading your posts, and this one was just the kinda thing I needed today. Love the picture, by the way! You’re very photogenic. Such a talented writer…

  10. You almost had me, but the hat gave it away. Purple fuzzy fedoras make much better disguises. And if we can somehow make St. Charles a suburb of Boston, I’d be right there telling you what color to paint your walls after smooching your adorable children’s cheeks.

  11. OMG. I hope it gets all heated and someone hollers “OBJECTION!” and OMG what if there is a surprise witness!?!? I cannot WAAAAAYYYYTT to hear about this!

    But you gotta change the hat. We all know that’s Aunt Becky’s hat. Other than that, I was totally fooled.

  12. I went to jury duty in disguise, and it actually worked out very well for me. I recommend that.

    Also, your disguise is totally hot.

    Maybe you can show them your new belleh. I think I remember hearing judges love that kind of stuff.

  13. Dude, I’ve totally gotten out of jury duty twice by telling them I’m a stay-at-home mom and I have no one to watch my kids. Which is true. Can’t wait to hear what it’s like.

  14. See, THAT’s why I don’t get my hernia fixed – no one to sit on the coucch and gossip with while I recover.

    If you actually get to be on a jury, and they have forensic evidence, write down who the scientist is. Then, if I know them, I can tell you if they’re credible. But you’ll probably get stuck with some boring civil trial…

  15. Is it sad that I looked at that pic, and the shiny shiny ring INSTANTLY distracted me from your disguise? I think you should just wear more shiny stuff and then no one will even pay attention to your face. But, in a good way. Not that your face isn’t worth paying attention to. Fuck, I’m just going to shut up now and stare at the shiny ring.

  16. Call again. Let then know you’ll provide a doctor’s note if necessary. In my experience they are so grateful whenever they get a call from someone who isn’t an asshole they go out of their way to oblige.

  17. I like your picture. It’s like a cross between Inspector Gadget and Spiderman. (My son spent about 60 seconds putting his fingers into just that position so he could shoot his imaginary web at me.) Go go gadget icky spiderweb.

  18. Since I seem to be behind here, first I want to say you go ahead and have all the plastic surgery you want because I know that you will never turn into Heidi Montag. Second, the disguise should totally be your Halloween costume. And finally – you can just call Jury Duty and be reasonable with them? I had no fucking idea.

  19. I totally wish I could come sit on your couch with you and change diapers and gossip. But I live in Ohio 🙁 But I would love to spend a week with my BFF.
    They NEVER call me for Jury Duty, I must have made the Jury Gods Angry. I will live vicariously through you. Hang Em High!! Or not.

  20. Awesome disguise only you should add a beret instead and then it would totally be a french disguise. Because no one would recognize you then and you could even have the fake french accent which would rock. Which brings up the question can you twitter or blog in a fake french accent? Great now my brain is all on the wrong train now.

  21. Depending on the state that you hide out in, they may want to see your papers, amiga. Solution: move from one Prankster’s house to another, unannounced of course, after all you are on the run. Of course, if you come to my house, you will probably want to ?g?e?t? ?y?o?u?r? ?t?u?b?e?s? ?t?i?e?d? have a girls night out. Me and my friends do know how to party.

  22. I never get chosen.. just end up hanging out for 5 hours waiting for my 7 bucks and free lunch… might have something to do with the questionaire answers… i dont like anybody and go capital punishment…

  23. I am going to walk my dogs all over St. Charles next wk until I see the flower van dropping off get-well-soon arrangements at a house. Then I will cue my one of my dogs to poop in your yard so I can linger until noticed, act all natural and say, hey, ain’t you Aunt Becky?

  24. I have been summoned for jury duty twice, more than 7 years apart. I was 8-1/2 months pregnant both times; not surprisingly, they told me not to bother when I called and told them!

  25. Jury duty sucks major donkey balls. I had been waiting to be called for YEARS to be called. I worked for lawyers for a long time and REALLY wanted to have a jury experience.

    In reality, it was a lot of sitting around. And I even got picked for a jury trial. There was one witness: a psychologist. After he testified, we got sent back to the jury room. Where we stayed. The next morning we arrived in the jury room and sat for three hours before they called us in and told us they had resolved the case and we weren’t needed.

    Then, I had to continue to show up for two more days and sit around in the jury pool room. Doing nothing.

    Yeah, jury duty sucks major donkey balls.

  26. I wish I could stay with you. I am great at making fun of things AND changing diapers, I can even change the diaper of a toddler having a fit, I can run and wipe at the same time. Queen of the toddler tackle (without hurting THEM of course, I may be out of sorts for a while)

  27. Wait.

    1. You’re having surgery? Sucky, but my thoughts are with you. And also the evil ones are focused laser-like on my stupid ass job that keeps me from finding out this important information.
    2. I also got a summons for jury duty. December 13th. I’ll see if I can get January 3. And also moved to your jurisdiction.
    3. I love your disguise. LOVE IT.


  28. I discovered that the mere threat of potentially vomiting in the courtroom works quite well in terms of getting you out of jury duty. The last time I got called (which, BTW, was the fifth motherfucking time) I was about 9 weeks pregnant with my daughter. And puking at least hourly, if not more. All it took was one look at me and my green gills and sad “it’s all for the baby” face for the judge to kick my sorry ass out. I then promptly vomited in the hallway trashcan. That was a super awesome day.

  29. My husband missed jury duty back in June, except that he missed it by a week. They didn’t even make him re-schedule. I guess they have to put “Show up or you’re in big big trouble mister” in the summons or else no one would show up, even though it’s not true.

    I hope you get picked for a short but interesting trial!

  30. I have no job either, also. So I would totally come hang out with you if you lived nearby. And amazingly enough I’m down with the whole diaper-changing thing. I hope your surgery goes well and your recovery is swift.

  31. Jury duty is AWESOME!! Especially if you end up sitting in on a case that’s like something out of Springer.
    Since I’m actually allowed to talk about my jury duty case now –
    Defendent was dating a woman. Woman was (possibly) a skanky ho who was dating some Other Guy on the sly while Other Guy (OG) was in the ‘off’ stage of his on-off thing with his girlfriend (GF).
    Defendent finds out about OG while at his local drug dealer’s house. Apparently calls everybody he knows to find out OG’s address.
    OG, GF and OG’s Flatmate (FM) are sleeping in on a public holiday when Defendent and two of his best bashing-buddies break into the house. A Shotgun is waved. OG, in an absolutely brilliant display of intelligence under pressure, when told ‘We’re looking for (OG’s name)’ replied, ‘Nope, not me. My name’s (entirely different name)’. Unfortunately, this means poor flatmate cops it a bit, although that eased up when they found his wallet. Bizarrely, none of the crazy bastards found OG’s wallet, though they did help themselves to his playstation and a bunch of other stuff.
    My favourite bit – Midway through the encounter, one of them told OG ‘You seem like a nice bloke. Come to this pub later with ten grand and we’ll give you back your stuff’. Because everybody wants the approval of the guy with the shotgun, and another opportunity for him to steal from you.
    My second favourite bit? One of the witnesses was the drug dealing mate who was so smashed he literally couldn’t remember what day it happened on, and the confusion of his less-drugged out wife as she explained that, no, he couldn’t possibly have been taking her to the doctor that day, it was a public holiday.

    So yeah, let’s hope your case is filled with as much trashy goodness as mine was, and not something heartbreaking.

  32. If I wasnt on the other side of the good old USofA, I would be there, helping with said diapers… And no walls can possibly be worse than mine. Not kidding. I have the worst old people, blue, flowery, vinyl embossed wall paper.. I would love to get rid of it, LOVE. But, thinking of removing all of that paper, and paste, sends me to bed for a week with a horrible rash….. And i think it might be contagious….

    I have never actually had to go to jury duty, If I did, it would probably be something really b o r i n g.. The boring that has you thinking about the possibility of committing suicide with a plastic spork.

    The disguise needs the beret! I completely agree!! Then? perfection!

  33. My bff from college lives in mah city and married a defense attorney. So basically, if I get called, I can be all “But I go to parties with THIS guy” and they’ll be all “no thanks M’aam.” But. I would be wasting my VERY PRICELESS college minor of criminal justice. This is all hypothetical at this point. So make us proud, Aunt Becky! Bring the justice!

  34. Girl, I’m a pro at diapers, I so wish I could sit on your couch and shoot the shit and help you out. Dammit Geography!!! Well, I hope you kick surgery’s ass, I’m sure you will. And I’m so frickin jealous. I think I have that separated muscle thing too. Ugh. Someday!!!

  35. As I read this and look at your silly picture I realise that you are sweet. Just the sweetest.

    And I know that sounds all stalkeresque and all, but I’m in Vancouver, tending to three lil ones with sugar highs and crashes that will be both ugly and gross, so this is the best stalking yer gonna ever see me do.

    So … if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them *#($&*(#$&*(). That is all.

  36. Jury Duty is AWESOME, don’t let anybody fool you…Seriously. The case I sat on wasn’t even that exciting (car accident insurance crap), I would totally do it again so ENJOY!
    Love the blog btw 🙂

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