It’s pretty safe to say that no one thinks that I’m very bright. I mean, I routinely give myself the Nobel Prize for Awesomeness just for existing, but after admitting that I have been inadvertently getting myself loaded in the morning WITHOUT REALIZING IT, I don’t think I’ll be winning any sorts of genius competitions. Mostly because I don’t know that there ARE any genius competitions, and let’s face it, if I knew of any, I’d just drive by and whip donuts at the contestants.

I’d like to blame it on my almond-extract-spiked-coffee, but really, this weekend, it’s actually just that I am that stupid.

So I’m going on this cruise, right? And I knew that I had a passport because I’m all wordly and shit, but I neglected to actually see if my passport was up-to-date. Turns out, it expired two months ago. Just realized it, yo.

Well, no worries, Pranksters, I can get use my birth certificate, right? Well, apparently I was dropped onto this planet by a mother-ship because no one actually has a physical copy of the record of my birth. So I rushed around like an asshole this morning and had to beg Lake County, IL to send me brand new copies certifying that I was, in fact, born of this world.

*crosses fingers wildly*

This weekend was The March of Dimes March for Babies, (not to be confused with the March ON Babies, which would be a completely different kind of march) and I’ve been looking forward to it since last year. I would have marched then, but I was kind of a quivering mass of Jello and I could barely organize myself to walk to the bathroom, let alone walk for babies.

But I’m not really a “details person.” I’m just sort of the person who organizes things broadly and let’s other people worry about the other things. Like dates, or plane tickets, or whatever. I assume that I’ll figure it out, or if I don’t, whatever.

So I thought the walk was on Sunday, although I didn’t specifically LOOK at the date and like circle it in big puffy hearts on the calendar, right? Then I made an appointment to get my eyes checked on Saturday and The Daver was all “ZOMG, THE WALK IS THAT DAY, YOU MORON!” and I was all, “Whoops!” sheepishly because that really is something I would do.

I canceled the appointment, got the kids off to my mom’s house on Saturday morning, printed out the sponsor sheets and got in my walkin’ gear. We showed up to the walk site and….



No one was there.


Turns out I was motherfucking RIGHT all along. It was pretty hilarious to sit in the empty parking lot and laugh at The Daver, who was FURIOUS GEORGE (I should add that I was not furious when I thought that I was wrong).

We used the opportunity to sneakily eat some motherfucking breakfast without our crotch parasites and then ambled on home. BRILLIANTLY, I took it upon myself to do a bit of Bushwacking because the best thing to do when you are about to walk 5.5 miles with a foot injury is to do some really strenuous digging. Of course, I hurt myself. Of course it was with the pickax. Really, no one is surprised.

I mean, it’s just a giant knot on my leg and I knarfed up my foot again, but really, did I HAVE to get out there and attempt to dig out the bushes before the walk? CLEARLY I did. Anyway, the bushes, like my stupidity, are going nowhere. Those motherfucking roots are of The Devil. If I see the person who invented evergreen bushes, I will punch him in the testicle.

Sunday dawned beautifully, and while I may not have been able to move comfortably, I was beyond happy to be walking, although I was eying Amelia’s stroller jealously.

The park where the March of Dimes walk was held was the very same park where we, in high school, used to hang out and party every night, so to be there in a very different fashion was completely discomfiting to me. But when we walked in and saw all of the March of Dimes families gearing up to walk, I’m going to admit to you that I got choked up.

Just knowing that we were there–that we’d all survived–it made it all that much more real to me. I don’t sit around all day every day thinking about my daughter or about all of my nieces and nephews that have been born too soon, or stillborn, or those who have passed. They’re always with me, but I couldn’t possibly function if I thought about that all the time.

But standing there in the park, the ghost of who I was and who I am, now a March of Dimes Mom, beside each other, my daughter chirping away in her stroller, her scar very visible in the morning sun, it was as much a celebration of life as it was a mourning of what could have been and what once was.

I walked for all of the names on my Wall of Remembrance, all of my nieces and nephews on that wall; I walked for my friend Heather’s daughter Maddie Spohr; I walked so that some day all babies will be born healthy.

And I walked proudly with you, my Amelia, who defied the odds. Born with a very serious neural tube defect, an encephalocele, that should have killed you, you now take life by the balls and you make it your bitch. There’s nothing about you that doesn’t make me proud to be your mother.

Because you will continue to help give a voice to those who cannot speak. You will give a face to babies who are sick or dying. You will help give hope to those who need it most. You will help make the world a better place.

I know this to be true, love, because you already have.

You let your light shine, baby girl. Clearly, you’re showing us the way.

99 thoughts on “At Least I Didn’t Try to March ON The Babies

  1. I love the combination of humor and seriousness in this post. It makes me feel inspired to write more seriousness, but then I think about it and realize that would take actual writing ability and then I go back to having pizza leftovers for lunch.

  2. That’s a very sweet post:). I usually enjoy a good cry on Mondays. I thank the universe every day that my kids are all healthy. My first born stopped breathing when he was born and had to stay in the NICU for a week and then on monitors for 3 months. My second child was born with low muscle tone. Today they are healthy crazy boys. I often think about families who have to live with the pain of seeing their child suffer or worse. I think about them a lot. March of Dimes is one of the charities I proudly support. They’re good people:).

    1. The MOD is one of the ONLY charities I support (Doctors Without Borders, too) and I am so proud to work with them. I’m so, so proud to represent them and I know just how you feel about your kids.

    1. Motherhumping EVERGREEN bushes. They’re lopped down now, but there’s a big ass tree there and digging down to the roots is damn near impossible. So, I’m going to pay the neighbor kid to do it. Barring that, maybe I’ll try the car approach. Heh. CLASSY.

  3. I would have totally been the one other car in that empty parking lot, because that’s just the way I “schedule” my life. Yay for your tough cookie of a girly!

  4. You are bright. Your mind is too busy with ethereal things to be bothered with mundane details. That’s what I think, anyway.

    And that one made me choke up a bit at the end there…ahem.

  5. My whole family went to mexico last year. We were all so excited, my brother and I had to get new passports and everything. We get to the airport to check in for our flight after midnight only to realize my moms passport had expired the day before, actually becuase it was after midnight, it was literally minutes before! she jumped a plane to LA to the high and mighty passport office while we all went to atlanta. They let her renew her passport that day then she flew to atlanta while we flew to mexico and she met us the next day in mexico. Good luck getting your birth certificate. Will that work on a cruise?

    oh and PS, when you said you did some bushwacking, I totally thought, hmmm does it make walking long ditances more comfortable if your bush is groomed?

    1. Birth certificates DO work on a cruise, turns out! I should (crosses fingers) get them in the mail by Wednesday and if not, I can go to the passport office in Chicago and get a new passport. What a fucking pain in the ass!

      And I think a full bush would make walking more comfy, right? Heh.

  6. Damn, woman, now I’m all choked up. Congratulations to you and your family for marching! I was thinking of you this weekend (both days, since I, too, wasn’t sure when your march was) – sorry you weren’t in the best shape while you walked, but Mimi looks thrilled!
    Let DJ Rock “watch” the kids for awhile today and put your (injured) feet up. Today’s Mommy’s day to relax. You, my friend, are good people.

  7. Ach, that’s lovely stuff. I had the unpleasant experience of being with my son at Children’s Hospital under the care of a neurologist over the weekend, and it’s an impossible place to not feel grateful when your kid’s diagnosis, although scary and taxing and inconvenient, allows you to walk out the door together toward a healthy future.

    Thanks for marching for the babies, and for not stepping on any of them with your bum foot.

  8. Hahahahahahahahaha! Going out for the walk twice! That’s hilarious!

    Good job – walking for all those babies. You rock. Twice. 🙂

  9. So awesome. What a beautiful girly you have. Also evergreen bushes should be banned. I got my mom’s out using a redneck in a truck. But her deck was also ripped out. Whoops.

    1. Bwahahaha! See, mine are REALLY close to the house AND a big ass tree, so I’m sort of afraid to do it because I’m afraid I’d break my house, you know? But this? TOTALLY SOMETHING I’D DO.

      We’re clearly soul sisters.

  10. You are so heartwarming yet profane :P.

    Seriously, laughter and tears! Mimi kicks ass! And so does her Mama.

  11. Dude, where are you going that you can still use a birth certificate, cause I thought those days were long gone??? Ummm, just sayin.

    That shit of showin up a day early and then him being Furious George, oh yeah, so sounds familiar, I would have laughed my ass off at myself, but Mr Grumpy Pants would have been all This doesn’t make any sense!

    Rcok Star weekend! I will trade you, Narcissist went to prom…..ahem, and became a man this weekend.

    1. Cruises! You can use a BC on cruises (per the thingy online) although I may still go downtown and expedite my passport to make things easier. But wow, what a fucking PAIN IN THE ASS.

  12. Hey Becky,
    I’d gladly come over and rip those evergreens out with my bare hands just to as a way of saying thank you for never forgetting or being afraid to talk about our babies.
    I love you dude.

    1. *sobs* I love you too. And you don’t have to rip out my evergreens. Just buy me a drink when I come and move to your neck of the woods to form my all Twitter disco band.

  13. Thank you for doing what you do for the babies. I’ve been pledging and pledging at work and beyond.

    When we took out one set of our evil evergreen bushes, my husband and the neighbor boys chainsawed them down to under the ground and then poured Round Up on all the stumps and roots, and buried them with fresh dirt. They were dividing our property lines, but technically on the neighbors side. We thought for sure nothing would or could ever grow there again, but the new neighbors planted uglier bushes and they are thriving. Husband is planning a secret attack of Round Up, the next time they go out of town. Just food for thought. Probably not very environmental, but I had no part of it.

  14. Glad you made the walk — was thinking of you and Mimi yesterday.

    Also, Mimi is gorgeous. Absolutely. But when did she get so big?!?

  15. Aww! So sweet.

    But on another note. You can easily remove the bushes. All you need to do is find someone with a truck with a hitch and some rope, and yank them out. We have pulled out a many number of bushes this way – and the best part is – NO MANUAL LABOR! (Well not for me anyway…)

  16. Excellent! Except for the part about hurting your leg. Really, Becky. You must be careful.
    Now- as to that almond extract thing- honey, you’d have to put like an entire bottle of it to get one shot of alcohol in your coffee. Were you doing that?

  17. Awesome! So funny. I had to order my BC for cruise also. Birth cert, not control.

    Our March of Dimes was luckily before the 3 tornadoes hit. I live in NE Alabama. I was under an old table, child’s bike helmet on , in my mom-in-laws basement. Totally special looking. Made it through, now I would very much like a cruise myself. Thanks for the Bday greetings!

    Amanda <~~ Also, rather awesome.

  18. You’re a rockstar. And also: re the coffee, try Chocolate (or vanillla) soy milk. That was my experiment for the weekend. Not bad and far healthier than my oh so delicious Chocolate Caramel creamer.

  19. I lose my license whenever I ned to get on a plane. Guaranteed. Then I have to go to the DMV and get an emergency license printed and it’s a huge fustercluck. I recently got a passport and my husband basically doesn’t let me touch it.

    And when I need to get a birth certificate (which is a lot because hello, I’m a mess), I have to go in person and have my license or passport with me. It’s another fustercluck and all because I don’t have a father on my birth certificate! Apparently not having a father around is so shameful that we need to make sure no one but me or my mother could ever see the proof. ::eyeroll::

  20. Go, you!

    It is a powerful event, and I couldn’t have gone the first year after my little ones were premature.

    Definitely needed some antiDs before I could hit up an event like that. The second year, though, I walked. It was refreshing.

    1. Last year, there was no way. I had so much going on with my PTSD and all the other stuff (not to mention Mimi had JUST had her surgery) and I just couldn’t have done it. But this year, wow. It was just amazing. And so powerful.

  21. Glad it was a success, and I love that pic of the youngest parasite…already giving stink eye!
    For the bushes, I recommend lighter fluid and a match. It may even help to solve your bright yellow siding issue to…see two birds with one stone! Im so damn efficient I can hardly stand my own awesomeness!

  22. Wait a minute! Who told her she could up and get so big? Damn she’s cute. (Good thing too… given her mother situation; cute babies have an easier time getting a ride home when Mommy forgets them in the grocery cart.)

  23. I walked on Saturday, too, down here in the sunny state of Florida. It was glorious and fun. A beautiful time was had by all. Congratulations to you and your sweet girl. You made it.

  24. Awwww, aunt becky, usually i start smiling, even before i start reading….You rock!
    Beautiful little anklebiter!! she’s in charge….and she’s lettin the universe know…
    — and for the bushes—-truck…rope…gone! we’ve even pulled out small trees like that with my husband’s old, beat up, run on vegie oil mercedes.

  25. I am 33 years old and my mother STILL holds on to my birth certificate as I am not responsible enough to keep up with it.
    The last time I lost my passport? I found it in a blender, I guess I thought an identity thief would never look there.
    Where are you cruising to? I think you have to have your actual passport for most anywhere now, including Mexico.

  26. you make me feel really smart and good about myself, and

    you’re pretty awesome what with your March of Dimes Momness and marching for the babies. way to put your moola where your mouth is and support a cause not just on your blog but in real life.

    (seriously though, don’t do that. you don’t want to know what kind of germs money carries)

  27. Yay for you and Mimi! March of Dimes rocks – we’ve been supporting them ever since my daughter (who’s now 6) decided to arrive 8 wks early and didn’t have any real interest in breathing for her first 10 days or so. I don’t know that I’ve ever commented here before so let me just say before I forget…you rock too! 🙂

  28. Furious George..that’s hilarious.
    And on a more serious note, good for you for the walk and thanks for sharing the pictures of your adorable daughter…

  29. Such a wonderful post. We have a motorcycle ride her in Kansas City every year called Bikers for Babies. It is the largest March of Dimes ride in America, and you would be amazed at the site of hundreds upon hundreds of motorcycles, street bikers and leisurely riders alike, that take to the open road to support the babies like yours and Maddie. I proudly count myself among those numbers each year.

  30. I just went back and read your previous posts about your daughter. I had no idea she had been through so much…that ALL of you had been through so much. What a miracle that she’s thriving so well today. What a fighter she is. I know you’re proud of her. I think we all should be.

    And also, glad you didn’t miss the march!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *