SPOILER ALERT: I still have my drains. The upside? I’m feeling somuchbetter. Possibly because I’m ALSO weaning myself from The Max (Topamax)(GOD, I hate writing drug words, because then I am spammed to BALLS with “farmacies” selling me knock-off drugs, which is the opposite of awesome. Normally, I’m just spammed about Ugg Boots, which is working, because I’m now dying for a pair of them. Well played, Spammers) while I’m on hardcore narcotics.

And while you’ve been busy, living your life, THIS is what I’ve been thinking about:

*I’ve started writing a weekly Open Letter To Something on Mushroom Printing. This week, I wrote to my abdominal muscles. Last week, I wrote to vomit. Because OBVIOUSLY.

*When presented with this, the answer is always yes:

You all know how badly I want a Robot Monkey Butler named Mr. Pinchey, right? I used to want a REAL monkey butler, but I think PETA would be all up my ass if I got one, and besides, I don’t want my face ripped off. *makes Zoolander Face*

*Zoolander Face*

*I require this dress.

Okay, so not THIS one specifically, but one JUST LIKE IT.

So, Pranksters, if you should choose to accept this mission and find me this dress, I will hump you forever. Or, at least, uh, NOT hump you? WHATEVER YOU WANT.

*OR, I could give you this cookbook I found.

Aunt Becky + Rachael Ray = NOT BFF.

Why? I DON’T KNOW. I think she’s too happy for me.

I found THIS cookbook on my shelf and got WICKED confused. Like REALLY confused. We ALL know I don’t cook. And EVERYONE who knows me knows that Rachael Ray and I are NOT OKAY with each other. And somehow, THIS was on my shelf. THIS was NOT DIAMONDS. THIS WAS RACHAEL RAY.

I was stampy. HORRIFIED. This may be the source of all bad karma in my life. How long had it sat on my shelf? And WHERE had it come from? I simply didn’t know.

I STILL don’t know. At least the Williams-Sonoma books came from a recognizable source (my stupidity). I think I’m going to run some sort of contest to get rid of those cookbooks. Like, MAKE ME AWESOMESAUCE and get some ridiculous cookbooks.

*Earlier today, I tweeted this post on Band Back Together about Gender Non-Conformity.

(my manly butterfly says FUCK YOU to gender stereotypes, by the by)

Normally I tweet Band Back Together stuff from the Band Back Together Twitter Account. I recognize that the people on my Mommy Wants Vodka Twitter are normally expecting status updates like, “I JUST TOOK A POO, PLZ RT” so I try to keep the do-gooding to a minimum on there. But the gender non-conformity piece and occasional other pieces, well, when I see awesome ones (and don’t be offended if I do not, because I do not edit everything), I tweet them. I just can’t overwhelm people who expect status updates on my vagina.

(P.S. I hate having to think like that).

Well, this is what happened.

Let me show that to you a little closer.

That cause would PROBABLY be you. WHOOPS. And ROCK ON. I’m PROUD. Crash away, Pranksters. CRASH AWAY.

(no seriously, please crash the shit out of it. I’ll buy more space)

*Also: my rose is defiantly thumbing its nose at November.

Note my finger at the bottom. I expect a GRAMMY for this picture.

49 thoughts on “As The Paint Dries

  1. 1 – I can’t stand Rachel Ray either. She’s way too perky, and her smile is too big, and her food is crappy (in my opinion)(the food, that is, not the rest… she is quantitatively too perky)

    2 – UGGs are unbelievably full of THE AWESOME!!! And when your feet are in the Uggs, the AWESOME travels up your legs and you can feel it strengthening your entire body. I’m not one of those women who has to have lots of shoes, but I have 5 pairs of Uggs. They comprise more than 50% of my shoe wardrobe.

    3 – Your manly butterfly ROCKS.

  2. Screw the dress. I’d just like to have that girl’s bod. And a tiara. And a manservant instead of a monkey. But that’s probably because I’ve watched The Wizard of Oz too many times.

  3. OMG AUNTMOTHERFUCKING BECKY! i want your cookbooks. that sounds like it should be dirty. but it’s not. i love cookbooks. i buy them when they’re on the bargain shelf at fillinyourfavoritebookstorehere and thumb through them ane get excited about cooking…

    … and ignore every recipe in there and make up my own.

    but i have like a shelf full of cookbooks and i always want more and it would be SUPERAWESOME to have one of your cookbooks. i don’t know what i could do for them, but i will tell you that i WILL NOT babysit. because obviously.

    and because i’m full of the tarzipan.

  4. I love how ADD you’re getting. well, more than usual. it makes me happy in my panties.

    yes, robots. always yes.

    Rachel Ray is of the devil and you must remove that trash from your house before it infects you.

    and if you find a dress like that in green? send it my way. I’ll looking for a bridesmaid dress for myself and I just fell in lurve.

    also: happy you’re feeling bettah!

  5. saw an article on MSN about a guy who made……
    wait for it…..

    I thought of you.

    Cause he obviously is doing it for you because you are stuck with drains and bacon makes EVERYTHING better. I mean EVERYTHING.

  6. I am soooooooo with you on Rachael C. Ray. She irritates the piss out of me. Enough to turn me anorexic.

    Glad you are feeling a bit better.

    I just want the picture of you giving her the finger, not the book.

    And unless it is at Winners, T.J. Maxx, or some other discount store, there’s no WAY I’ll be able to find you that dress. My apologies.

  7. 1) I wanna know more about robots too.
    2) Rachel Ray can annoy me but she does have some awesome recipes.
    3) I have an inquiry in to a fabulous seamstress and high fashion maven I know about where to get the dress. If she comes up with a pattern, I would be willing to barter my services as a seamstress.
    4) Love, love, love your manly butterfly.
    5) I love when roses bloom so late in the year.

  8. OMFG I hate Rachel Ray tooooooooo! I have no idea why she just … bothers the shit out of me. That’s why I love how Anthony Bourdain just makes fun of her all the time. He’s my god. If you two ever TV divorce … send him my way. I don’t care he could be my father.

    (Can we say Daddy Issues?)

    Anywho … glad you’re feeling better and I’ll get on seeing if I can’t find that dress … or a robot monkey … or BOTH.

  9. Rachael Ray is a demon! I hate her with the ferocity of 1000 burning suns!!! When we bought the boy the Ratatouille(which is called Rat-Patootie at our house), it came with a cooking DVD that has Miss Demon herself. I don’t need to tell you that of course, the boy loves her! She’s such a loud-mouth!
    Re-the gender non-conformity-on The View this morning they focused on a little boy who was five and went as Daphne from Scooby Doo to a school party. The kids weren’t upset, but the parent’s were. I’m sorry-what the hell is Halloween about if not stepping outside yourself to be/do what ever strikes your fancy? Yeah, I know all about the history of Halloween, but in this day and age it’s about having fun and playing pretend. If your boy wants to be a butterfly-I say why not!

  10. Robots creep me the fuck out! No robots for me! Not even super awesome sounding ones like a Robot Monkey Butler… Mr. Pinchy would give me panic attacks!

    The only good thing about Racheal Ray is when she shuts the fuck up… harsh, maybe, but oh so true!

    Keep on healing Aunt Becky!!! I hope your abs starting looking like they are full of the awesome soon, and you regain some abdominal strength soon! Who knew the “core” was so damn important after all?!?

  11. “This was NOT DIAMONDS. This was RACHAEL RAY.”

    And THAT was the most hilarious sentence in this post. It made me laugh out loud. 😀

    Then my boyfriend asked what I was laughing at. I deemed it too hard to explain. Just a little inside joke between Aunt Becky and her Pranksters. 😉

  12. “This was NOT DIAMONDS. This was RACHAEL RAY.”

    And THAT was the most hilarious sentence in this post. It made me laugh out loud. 😀

    Then my boyfriend asked what I was laughing at. I deemed it too hard to explain. We’ll just call it a little inside joke between Aunt Becky and her Pranksters. 😉

  13. OMG I hate RR too. I hate EVOO, I hate her “pasta facial”, I hate her YUM-O. My hubby loves her. That is NOT the reason I hate her, because he also loves Nigella Lawson and I like her too. She (Nigella) practically has an orgasm when she tastes her food. That’s what *I* feel like when I cook. RR’s food is shit. I am, in fact, supposed to be looking for a recipe I *justnow* remembered I have saved in my fave’s but came here instead. Oops. I AM an awesome cook, so for me, it’s not bullshit. I’d love to come cook for you. I’m only a 7 hour drive away. (btw, the recipe is arancini, small balls of rice with cheese and stuff in the middle. I’m making mine with crab and lobster and lobster cream sauce)

  14. Rachel Ray is BULLSHIT.

    Her malcontentometer raises with each show. She used to be the Food Network’s darling. Well, the jig is up. HA! HA!

    Watch her now. She seems very angry on her own show.

    And that husband of hers? What a douche.

    Fuck them both.

  15. For some reason I think you would be a totally fun guest for Rachel to have on her show. I could see the producer in the corner shaking his head, the censor feverishly writing down words (and asking me what some of them meant) and them going to commercial about 90 seconds into the segment. That would be cool.

    I get spammers for online casinos, shit in foreign languages and a bunch of random characters. I believe the language is called “Geek”.

    Glad you’re feeling better.

  16. Hi Hon! I just caught up on your blog and I’m so sorry you’re post surgical! I mean, I’m glad you’re post-surgical, meaning that I’m glad there is a “post” to your surgical (hospitals are scary) but I’m sorry you’re all torn up. You will heal because you’re young and resilient and you’ll be better than ever.
    Love ya!
    p.s. fuck you about your beautiful November roses.

  17. I love Moms that just let their kids be themselves. My boys wanted dolls with a stroller and carseat, and vacuums, and tea sets, and all kinds of “girl” things, and they got them. I just don’t understand small-mindedness….I just don’t.

  18. Ok, I just spent an hour looking for the fucking dress for you. I think we need to get an e-mail address for Elettra Rossellini Wiedemann. She is the one wearing it.

  19. I have absolutely nothing witty or interesting or original to add to this conversation today (I am just up to my eyeballs with tired) but I wanted to say hello, anyway. And tell you I am so happy you are healing well. And I will come back and make you laugh another day, when I am less stabbity.

  20. Who doesn’t want to be a butterfly? Expectations of gender conformity in small children is absurd. Kids explore. Leave ’em alone – they aren’t bothering you. Glad your server crashed with the traffic.

    So, does the lack of the Max mean your headaches are going away?

  21. I’ll raise you one amdominal drain for two extractions and a motherfucking dental implant just 48 hours before I take my brood to Disneyland. And those assholes all believe this shit doesn’t hurt but should be handled by Montrin. I am fucking allergic to Montrin, as in analphylaxis allergic. They gave me a handful of Percocets and it is just not enough. Hads will roll.

  22. My geraniums are giving November the finger, too. Flowers can be some bad ass bitches, no?

    Rachel Ray? I don’t mind her, actually, but think her 30 minute meal concept is a SCAM. The recipes cannot be made within 30 minutes, they never include prep time. Also, no real man would eat most of those puerile, sissy attempts at cooking.

  23. I just flipped Rachael off at the newsstand, where she is perched on a hay bale in farmer jeans for her fall themed edition of her crappy magazine. I swear if she smiles like that another month I’m going to take out the entire magazine rack.

  24. Rachael Ray’s shows grate on me like her “Parm-e-jano Reggi-ANO”, HOWEVER, I do heart her cookbooks. I am a lousy cook and her Cowboy Spaghetti on page 60 once had a door-to-door salesman almost begging to let him stay for dinner. I love it…I love anything with bacon, though.

    I don’t have any Williams-Sonoma books….YET. They are all on my Amazon wish list. I may not ever cook from them, but their pictures are so pretty I don’t care.

    Happy Healing, Aunt Becky!

  25. Gender non-conformity rocks. and so does that adorable picture of your son. I don’t get Rachel Ray, I feel entirely indifferent to her.
    I’ll find you the dress if you find me that body…deal?

  26. I am glad you are on the mend and weaning off the T-Max. Super handsome butterfly, thanks for the update and Best to you and the Vodkaites.

  27. While I’m not a big fan of people perkier than I (and I’m not super perky) – I hate Rachel Ray for an entirely different reason! Everytime I listen to that woman talk, I find myself clearing my throat because her voice is so gravel-like and I think, sub-consciously, I’m trying to make her clear her throat so it isn’t so obvious. Ugh.

    Glad you’re re-cooping nicely, Aunt Becky.

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