Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Anyone Who Owns A Home Deserves It.


As I was shlepping around my upstairs bathroom this afternoon contorting my body into what can only be described as Indecent Poses, my hatred of the former occupants of my home crystallized into a white hot ball of hatred. Mainly because I am at the same time shocked AND disgusted that anyone would voluntarily put a wallpaper border on a wall, JUST FOR ME TO REMOVE (they only lived here for several years).

Now, the first time we bought a place, I had so much fun at the closing that it was almost like being in a bar, aside from the distinct lack of alcohol (remember Whitney?). When we bought our new house, mere months later, our closing could not have been any less similar if I tried. The couple that we were buying our current home from were some of the coldest people I’ve met, and the closing itself left me anxious and sweaty.

(as a complete aside, I will tell you about the strangest thing that has happened to me in this neighborhood. A bit before Christmas, while my father was still in the ICU, I popped out to my garage to sneak a smoke when I heard a car pull up into my driveway. I immediately put out said cigarette and went indoors to catch whomever was walking up to my house before they could ring the doorbell and wake Alex up. Literally, the LAST person on the planet I’d have expected to see on my doorstep stood there (I’d have been no more surprised had it been Britney Spears) and when I opened the main door, WALKED INTO MY HOUSE WITHOUT BEING INVITED IN.

Sure enough, the lady with bad taste who had owned my house before me, waltzed into MY house like she still owned it.

Then she opened her mouth and demanded that I give her the “money” that “a friend had sent to her old address”–MY address of the past 2 years, mind you– like I was holding onto it or something. I rarely, if ever, get anything for this family, and surely anything looking unlike junk mail has been marked “return to sender” for “no longer lives here.” I know that these people DO live in town, but have left no forwarding address, and besides, they were so cold that I’m not about to waste my time trying to send them mail that should have gone to their new address in the first place.

She seemed quite suspicious of both The Daver and I, like we were holding out on her or something when we both told her in no uncertain terms that we did NOT have any of her mail (if I had, it would have been long since recycled). I can’t be certain, but I don’t think that she believed either of us.

For serious.

I suggested that she check with the post office, something which had not occurred to her and she went on her merry nasty way.

I guess I’m shocked that a) someone wouldn’t believe me regarding something I was completely truthful about b) her friend was stupid enough to send money via USPS and c) someone who DOES NOT LIVE HERE walked into my home like she still owned it.

This last encounter with them solidified that although I heart my house, I dislike them entirely)


Moving on.

To celebrate that my birthday bathroom circa July 15, 2007 is nearing completion (only the medicine cabinet to go!), I have decided to undertake the renovation of Bathroom #2, The Old 70’s One.

Now, since we don’t really want to shell out cash to have someone else do the work (which includes a new bathtub/shower AND new tile flooring), we’re doing it on a slightly smaller scale, but enough to make my eyes not bleed when I wake up to the olive green walls WITH flowery border (sexxy, I know. Don’t you wish your bathroom was HOT like mine?).

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to punch myself in the face over and over again for coming up with another REALLY BRIGHT idea RIGHT BEFORE I’M HAVING A PARTY.

What the hell was I thinking?

14 Comments to

“Anyone Who Owns A Home Deserves It.”

  1. On March 23rd, 2008 at 6:39 pm Jenn Says:

    I would have told that lady to fuck off. There isn’t much that pisses me off more than being called a liar.

  2. On March 23rd, 2008 at 6:58 pm Whitney Leon Says:

    I do remember!! You were all aflutter with glee back then, weren’t you? I loved that we sold to you. Sorry I left it like an abandoned crack house. Maybe that’s why you moved out!

  3. On March 23rd, 2008 at 7:07 pm Karen Says:

    What a wretched whore that woman is! I might have hit her. I really cannot understand why people cannot have common decentcy.

  4. On March 23rd, 2008 at 8:44 pm SaraS-P Says:

    We live nextdoor to the son of the former owner of our home. People will sometimes knock on our door to leave a message for the son, despite our explanations that the two houses are separate and we do not ever speak to him or his family!

    All houses have ghosts… some are of the flesh and can really piss you off.

    Oh, and I’ve never moved into a place with a decent paint color. It is like a rule or something.

  5. On March 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 pm Heather Says:

    We did one bathroom renovation. Well, E did and he had exactly four days to knock down the walls, hang new drywall, paint it, install a new tub/shower, sink, and toilet, oh, and lay some new tile and hang trim. He did it on five hours of sleep and was bitch-o-rific when it was all finished. So, yeah, bathroom remodels suck. Please don’t start yours before young Alex’s celebration. That would be very, very bad.

  6. On March 24th, 2008 at 8:07 am Michelle Says:

    We had/have a similar problem with the people who had our phone number last. The people must be real deadbeats, because there are still collection agencies calling after 4 years. Then there are the middle of the night calls for a dude named “Motor” Fun!
    The previous owners of our house painted the kids rooms with very heavy coats of red and blue and green. (not in the same room) and lovely borders that took forever to remove. They also sponge painted the hall bath with Mickey Mouse heads, that I still have not had the ambition to sand off!

  7. On March 24th, 2008 at 11:37 am Ames Says:

    I totally would have smacked that bitch if she walked into my house like that. How rude! I am also mid-bathroom renovation – mine is currently lime green paint with white/gold tile…beautiful eh? I am still in awe that every room except for one in our house was lime green when we bought it… there must have been a discount on that color paint or something.

  8. On March 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    I always think that I love doing home renovations projects until I actually start doing them . . .

    Then I remember that I hate them . . . 🙂

  9. On March 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Seven years in our house, and I only just took down the horrible, dust-collecting window treatments in the living room – the ones that don’t match a single thing I own. I haven’t had the strength to tackle the wallpaper boarders and clashing shower curtains. Next house? I’m having built just for me (right after I win the lottery).

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  10. On March 24th, 2008 at 1:25 pm Kristen Says:

    YOu have my sympathy. We had started our renovations with the kitchen in November. So far nothing else has been done. ick. I still need both bathrooms gutted and all the flooring done. It will never be done and I am so depressed.

  11. On March 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm Kristine Says:

    Luckily – or maybe not luckily…our former owners are relatives, and so if they popped by to pick up mail it wouldn’t be a big deal. And we do still occasionally get stuff for them – it’s usually junk though.

    We just installed 2 faucets this weekend. It wasn’t a big remodel or anything, but when 1 facuet requires 4 trips to home depot, I don’t even want to consider how many trips an entire bathroom would entail.

  12. On March 24th, 2008 at 3:32 pm kbreints Says:

    The only thing that I hate more than taking wall paper off the walls is putting it up… and since I decorate for myself and not my mother– I will never have to do that again!

  13. On March 25th, 2008 at 10:30 am Pauline Says:

    What an insane woman!!! I can’t wait to see Ben’s hair. 🙂

  14. On March 25th, 2008 at 3:46 pm becky Says:

    Wow – that woman has got some balls to be doing that. But honestly… do you think that maybe the whole money thing was made up? Maybe she just wanted an excuse to get inside the house and see what you had done with it? But, if you didn’t really invite her in the rest of the house, that probably wasn’t it…

    Don’t know why I’m trying to make excuses for her. She’s a horrible woman to be calling you guys liars. I hate her.

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