One of the first things my friend Ashely said when I started to date someone new was, “Has he seen a full-on Becky outfit?” She wasn’t trying to be mean, just curious at how a guy would take my funky sort of “did she get dressed in a dark closet and intentionally go out looking that way?” sort of style. Part of the problem is that I’m colorblind. The other part of the problem is that I’m unabashedly tacky.

So you know when bloggers do style blogs and they’re all “these are my favorite things” and you’re all “holy shit that’s awesome” because it’s awesome and you realize you have no style and/or no money with which to buy style? This is pretty much the reverse of that. This blog should make you feel like you’re the most stylish person on the planet.

Exhibit One: My Belt

That’s right, Pranksters, a belt with my motherfucking NAME on it. Why? Because I can. And do! It’s a multi-purpose belt, really, because not only does it announce to the world, “Hey World, I have a name,” IT TELLS THE WORLD WHAT MY NAME IS! Then, when I forget my name, all I have to do is look down and BOOM, THERE IT IS. (kinda like WHOOMP, THERE IT IS, but not).

The only thing that would make this gem of a belt better would be if it were encrusted with bling.

(bonus points when I give it to people to wear who are NOT named Becky because it’s just hilarious because OBVIOUSLY).

Exhibit Two: My Hat.

We all know that I might aim a little higher than I should when it comes to the men I date in my head and nowhere is that more evident than my Mrs. Timberlake hat.

In hindsight, I think I’ll get my next one to read: “MRS. DEXTER MORGAN” because I think I find the concept of being married to a serial killer more appealing than being married to a former boy-bander. Either way, the hat, it’s hot. You know you want it AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT.

P.S. Maybe I could have gone TANNING before I got this picture taken. I’m pretty much Edward Cullen’s relative without the sparkle.

Mimi couldn’t handle the greatness of the hat, see?

She had to take it off before the AWESOMENESS of it burned her.

Exhibit Three: My TELEPHONE

Hello hello baby you called I can’t hear a thing I have got no service in the club, you say? say? Wha-Wha-What did you say, oh, you’re breaking up on me. Sorry, I cannot hear you I’m kinda busy.

Actually, I wasn’t ka-kinda busy (yes I was), it’s just that my crystal-coated cellphone had a tendency to drop calls almost as much as my iPhone does. But do you see the looping, poorly executed “B” on there? Oh yeah, that’s right Pranksters, Your Aunt Becky did that. Badly, even. This right here is evidence of why you should never do yourself what you can pay someone else to do for you.

Gluing a gazillion tiny crystals onto a cellphone in a pattern that can only be described as “pathetic” isn’t something that I would recommend, even if the glue did give me a wicked high. But oh, how I loved on that phone. The crystals added a good five pounds to an already ridiculously heavy phone (you had that phone too, I know, because EVERYONE did) and they flaked off, leaving an odd Cinderella-style trail of pink crystals back to wherever I was, and they messed with the reception and my ability to make and receive phone calls, but I didn’t care.

Because that phone was where the MAGIC HAPPENED. PRETTY PRINCESS CRYSTAL SPARKLE UNICORN MAGIC!! Just as soon as I get my new iPhone and find someone who can properly bling it out, you bet your ASS Imma do it.

So there you have it, Pranksters. Several of the things in my closet that will never find their way into YOUR closet because you are FAR more tasteful and refined than I’ll ever be. Because OBVIOUSLY.

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The contest to win the Flip MinoHD is on until Saturday and can be found here, under my TOP SECRET PAGES.

Today, over at Toy With Me, it’s my second installment of my Bondage Conference! Part One! Part Two!

Comments

comments

114 thoughts on “Any Day Now, Vogue Will Be Calling For Fashion Tips

  1. LMAO. Um awesome sauce and yes I did that to my phone. Only I did not use as many crystals as you did because I was cheap and in law school (don’t laugh) and also not as talented. That B looks pretty damn good to me!

    Why haven’t you bedazzled the belt?!

  2. I too have a belt with my name on it. Hot topic used to sell “Barbie” items and I went through a phase where I thought it was beyond awesome to have pink, sparkly things with my name all over them. That’s why I have a Barbie trucker hat, bowling bag, sparkly belt and yes, t-shirt. They are all sparkling in their pepto bismal pink glory. I still get the urge to wear it all at once and do a Saturday Night Fever strut down the street.

      1. If I can get my cash in order and make the cruise, I’ll bring and wear it all. Maybe I’ll even throw in some jelly shoes and a sparkly grill lol!

  3. Nicccce! I suppose people wouldn’t be too impressed by my t-shirt that says “Lush” and has back marker to darken the bleach spots on it.

  4. I laugh everytime I see the blinged out “B” phone. Not because I am making fun of you, I wouldn’t dream of it, Aunt Becky. But because I have a rhinestone zebra print case in various shades of pink for my iphone. I got it from amazon and if you search for any combination of cell covers and rhinestones, you’ll just about fall over from the choices ๐Ÿ™‚

    shhhh, I also have a “Mrs. Seth Cohen” tank top, which I still wear with pride, despite being a married SAHM in her 30’s. what?

    1. Oh, you can make fun of me all you want. People always do and I take it as a sign that you must really love me to mock me. It’s how I show my love, so to me it’s a sign that you love me.

      *sssh* I know it’s delusional. And I’m going to shop ETSY once I get the new iPhone. They have AMAZING choices.

  5. Hey Becky, bring the belt to BlogHer and I’ll bedazzle it for you. As for your upcoming iPhone, it’s not sparkly but you can get a completely custom skin for it at SkinIt.com…click on phones in the left sidebar, select iPhone for your device, then click on create your on the tabs across the center column.

  6. I think you and I were cut from a similar mold. My husband threatens to sign me up for “what not to wear” all the time.

    I tend to keep things forever too. Like clothes I wore in high school still hang in my closet (and on my body). The worst one I got rid of a few years ago when my waistline started expanding. It was a sweater that was my mom’s in high school.

    1. I hold onto the things I LIKE from those days. I’m still getting back down to fighting weight, but I’m a happy purger of things I hate. I’m very picky about my tackiness.

  7. Oh, you’ve totally inspired me. I have a hat that says “Everybody Loves a Ho Ho” (you know, like the snack cake?) and a jewel encrusted Hello Kitty pendant on a silver chain. Never worn either one out of the house. Why? I am a 37 year old wussy when it comes to fun style. I have to find a day to wear both at once. This is my goal. Thank you!

    1. Girl, you best be doing it PROUDLY. Why the hell not? The way I see it, most people who see you wearing these things won’t see you again, and if they laugh, well, SCREW ‘EM. Personally, I don’t give a fuck what other people think of me (if you haven’t noticed).

    2. Where did you get that hat?? Im trying to find it online to give to a friend!! If you happen to know a website that sells it please e-mail me!! I would appreciate it!!

      Thanks!

  8. *gigglesnort*

    No word of a lie: the first thought that went through my head when I saw the belt was “what? no bling? that thing needs some RHINESTONES YO!”

    you know what would be even MORE awesomer though??

    LCD LIGHTS!!! it would be totally awesome- just picture BECKY- flashing blue then purple then red… like those psychedelic fucked up christmas trees!!! omg… I have to go find a belt with my name on it now… good thing I’m a fatass…. pottymouth is a wee bit longer than becky! ๐Ÿ˜›

  9. Dude. I love you, Aunt Becky. Your taste in accessories is beyond awesome.

    I’ve been dissatisfied with my wardrobe lately, especially since I’m 4 months postpartum and only fit into about 5 percent of said wardrobe and am pretty damn sick of most of those clothes by now. Clearly, I need a belt with my name on it. But I think I’d want my hat to say something like “Sexy Thang.” Just in case people hadn’t noticed purely by looking at me (still 25 lbs overweight and lucky if I get to shower twice a week).

    Anyway, rock on wi’cho bad self and I want to see the ‘After’ picture of your be-blinged belt.

  10. Holy crap I needed a laugh today! Thanks for providing it! That belt will have me chuckling all the way until bedtime. Don’t bling it out – it’s awesome just the way it is.

  11. Your bedazzled phone weighs next to nothing compared to the old bag phone that was my first ‘cell’ phone. Except that back in the day they were called car phones because they had to be connected to your cigarette lighter. The phone was also called ‘bag phones’ because the phone was all wrapped up in a pleather bag.

  12. See, in my family, when you want to start owning and wearing the shiny things, it’s a sign of old age. I know I’me getting older, because I’m starting to like shit with sequins. My mom fell victim in her 40’s. My aunt held out until she was about 80 for the shiny, but she always wore awesome hats. Maybe I’ll take up wearing fancy hats.

    I think I still have my green felt hat with the black band that I wore on my permed head once or twice in the ’80s. I know I’ve seen the green/blue scarf I used as a belt (around the hips of course!) on that black dress with the shoulder pads that went with the hat. Now that’s style! All from The Limited, of course!

  13. I still want the “I’m With Dopey” T shirt at Disney,but since my husband had the keys and I needed a ride home…. I have to take a look at my wardrobe. Because nobody enjoys embarrassing her kids as much as I do.

    Speaking of dorkey taste, I have an awesome collection of Tigger dolls and a few Tigger coffee mugs. I love Tigger because whenever he has a sad thought, he looks confused, says something silly and starts bouncing on his tail. No alcohol involved. At least I don’t think so.

    Do you collect anything as awesome as that? That you put on a shelf (not sex toys, that’s for another blog).

      1. My motto is: If it feels (or makes you feel) good (and it’s not illegal or unhealthy)do it. Although it takes up a small area, in a corner, tucked away, it’s something that makes me smile.

  14. I used to have a student with a belt that was electronic and you could program messages into it. I gave her extra credit for programming in and wearing, ‘Mrs. C is awesome” for an entire school day.

  15. I’m sort of in love with that belt. And if I could find one that said “Jenn” on it, I would not hesitate to buy it.
    I’d rather be married to a serial killer than a former boy band member too. But that has nothing to do with my lack of style, haha.

  16. My husband is currently, no lie, I mean right this very minute, wearing a belt with a buckle that says CARL on it. My husband is not named Carl nor any other Carl type name. But 14 years ago he needed a belt for a JOB INTERVIEW and went to the Goodwill store to buy one. The only black belt that fit & wasn’t worn to pieces had CARL for a belt buckle. So imagine the conversation at the interview “Hello, um, Carl…” “Oh, my name is William, sir.” Oddly enough he got the job. Boss with a sense of humor or the bizarre or something.

    Since he spent a whopping $3 on the belt he is going to wear it to death to get his money’s worth. At one point he said he’d just buy a new buckle but buckles cost $5 or more! and the belt was only $3! And you can’t spend more on a buckle than you spent for an entire belt WITH buckle.

    So sometimes when we have sex I shout out “oh YES CARL!!! OH YES!!” just to mess with his head.

    1. very few things really make me do the LOL – but this did.
      is there any way that carl is a nickname for william?
      like my dad is gilbert but for some reason the family call him jackie…

      anyway – i want a belt buckle that says VODKA on it.

      x

  17. I LIKE YOUR STYLE…Hulk Hogan would love the belt and, he’s man enough
    to wear it even with “BECKY” on it! The ONLY downside would be the “weight” of the phone AND belt. Other than that…It’s a “Fashion Do!”

  18. You’re so freakin’ IN like SIN right now! All you need is to find a way to insert a “$” symbol into your first name, drop your last name, and crowds will part for you.

  19. Okay the hat and the fucking bejewelled phone I can handle. But the belt, ohhhh Beckster the belt is sad. So very sad. I weep for you really.

    Now I’m thinking I kind of want one. But I have an odd odd first name, like seriously 3 people in the world have the same first name. If I were to put it on a belt I would so have people staring at my crotch all the time trying to figure out what my belt said. Which might be kind of fun in a weird sick sort of way.

  20. I have this bright pink, queen of hearts baseball cap that I sometimes throw on when I play Texas hold’em. It is the absolute worst looking thing on me. Wrong color, wrong look, AWFUL! But, I wear it like it’s a tiara placed carefully on my head and dare anyone to so much as look at me funny. LOL It’s my hat! They can’t handle my hotness in that hat. Ummm, or whatever. Your beckyness is shining in your stuff. Just like it should. But the belt definitely needs blinged!!!

  21. So that reminds me of this awesome pair of pants I saw this weekend. They were black spandex leggings with, no lie, wings made of rhinestones on the ass. These girls in a dance performance all had them on and I couldn’t be bothered to watch the dancing because I was so fascinated with their sparkle-winged asses. I was thinkin, damn, I need some sparkly ass! I’ll try to hook it up for the cruise. ๐Ÿ™‚

  22. I’m still laughing about the belt. It has a hard-core, Janet-Jackson-Rhythm-Nation feel to it, but the fact that it says “Becky” — which is possibly the cutest most innocent white girl name — is quite a contradiction. Love it.

  23. I KNEW it…I freakin knew it!

    We were separated at birth!

    I…my long lost sister…am the bedazzling queen! Cause really…it’s so much better with BLING! And by “it’s” I mean every-freakin-thing!

    You gotta get some bling on that belt! You just gotta. It needs it…it’s crying for it! I can hear it from here!

      1. Give me my 501’s and a T-shirt and I’m good..button fly’s rock for lots of different reasons ๐Ÿ˜‰

  24. Oooooo…we should so totally go shopping together! Years ago a friend and I would do the Goodwill thing, looking for all those tacky family reunion t-shirts that had some random persons’ name on it. My favorite was a dayglo orange shirt that said, in giant letters, “HI! I’M CONSTANCE! BAKER FAMILY REUNION 1992”. I loved wearing that thing around. Confused the hell out of people.

  25. How rad is your buckle? My name starts with a G so a friend got me a belt buckle that says “GMONEY” and it has a fake bullet hole in the corner. Yes, a bullet hole. Who’s awesome? Me! Me!

  26. I say you don’t need anything else to prove your awesomeness BUT that belt buckle. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen something that just reeks of coolness like that…so subtle (no that’s not the word), so…classy…uh…welll so UNIQUE! LIke you!

  27. That buckle proclaims the awesomeness that is Aunt Becky.
    I think Apple should make a damn iphone bedazzled JUST. FOR. YOU.

    I’m sorry though, we’re going to have to fight for the Mrs. Dexter Morgan title.

    My IRL husband recognizes, and accepts, my love for all things Dexter and presented me the first three seasons on DVD for mother’s day. Sometimes it’s nice to know your loved ones get you..

  28. I totally used to have a pair of multi colored high heel alligator skin shoes I got at the thrift store that I would wear on first dates, to gauge whether or not a guy could “handle” me.

  29. My husband has a belt with his name on it too and he likes to where it with cowboy boots. He grew up in the suburbs of Pennsylvania… so I’m not sure a) why he has cowboy boots b) how he got me to go on the first date.

    Now I know. Belts with names are actually cool. I wonder if LateEnough is too long for a belt… for BLOGHER!

  30. On a barely-related-note: My 10-year-old son plays roller hockey in the fall and spring…..last fall, his team won the championship game. So he now wants a shirt that he found online that says, “There’s No “I” In Team, But There’s A “U” In Suck.” After The Husband and I stopped laughing, we told him, “Um. No.”

  31. Dude I think my daughter has that phone- it calls cinderella and she also talks about what she is wearing to the ball- but you know she’s a princess and all.

    This old boyfriend of mine was colorblind as well and you should have seen some of the pants, shirt and tie combos he put together- they were worse than the phone. Anyway I color coded everything with symbols obviously so he could find another girlfriend when we broke up so that I could start dating my husband- and while he probably does not have nice things to say about me (seriously it was 10 years ago he should go suck it) at least I helped him get dressed with some GrAnimals for adults.

  32. You be stylin’ Aunt Becky! Definitely feel better about my baggy shirts and black eyeliner phase in high school…..oh and THO, always had THO.

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