Monday was just one of those days, you know what I mean? It had all the promise of being a good day until Ben burst into tears whenever I redirected him away from fixating–he’s normally not so tearful (the fixating is turning into the new normal, though).
Then, just as I was renewing my commitment to both Weight Watchers AND exercise, I realized that whatever had crawled up Alex’s ass and died last week had somehow made it’s viral way into my own digestive tract.
By the time that Alex came home from school (a term we loosely use around these here parts) and kicked a ball into one of those stupid reed diffuser things I really should have gotten rid of when Tate, the world’s grumpiest hedgehog bit the big one, and knocked clove oil all over the whole fucking house, I was just DONE.
Add in one precious sweet baby who won’t fucking go to sleep and the looming fear of Back To School Night (it always makes me feel like a fraud), couple that with the fact that The Daver has some ridiculous deadline at work AND garnish it with a side of nasty headaches on my end, and you have a day that I wanted to be over by 1 PM.
(also included at no charge to you, bonus World’s Longest Sentence Barf Bag! HOORAY!)
Pretty sure my Momma never said there’d be days like THIS.
It recently occurred to me that the mood swings I was having directly AFTER taking something for aforementioned headaches probably had a little somethin’-somethin’ to do with the drugs. And not just my shitty ass attitude about life in general. Because, Internet, I WIN at life. And so do YOU.
But, mood swings can be managed because I don’t have much of a choice with drugs to take, as The Good Stuff is kind of off limits when you’re parenting 3 children. Plus, I’m compulsive enough to either die of an accidental overdose or use up a month’s supply in 2.5 days if I were to get anything deliciously narcotic.
Besides, I don’t take it out on my kids or anything; no! Not when I can grind my teeth and be mad at the air for being so fucking AIR LIKE. ASSHOLE AIR PARTICLES. IT’S NOT EVEN 100% OXYGEN, WHY DON’T PEOPLE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, HUH? I FUCKING HATE THE WORLD, AND AIR. AND SPACE. AND PEOPLE. BUT MOSTLY AIR! GAH!
By the time The Daver got home from work, I would have been in tears if that hadn’t seemed like such a futile waste of time and energy, we discovered that we had the same exact day. Well, his had (presumably) less poopy diapers, but one can never be too sure of that in finance. So, while I watched him eat a frozen pizza (I ruin dinner. And expectations), we commiserated and chatted with Amelia.
Amelia, like the other creatures in my house, has about a zillion nicknames. Alex is “Jay,” Ben is “Benner” and Amelia is…”Goo.”
Yeah, that’s right. My kid is called “Goo” at home.
But, in my defense, The Daver made THAT one up and once I realized what a fucked up nickname that was for a baby, I started to call her “Gooey-Gooey-Gumdrop.” Which, thanks to the combination of drugs, made me think of Candyland. Which reminded me that she’s six months old and that means I ONLY HAVE 6 months to plan her first birthday party! ACK!
(Why yes, my eldest turns 8 in a couple of weeks, but he’s beyond the age of wanting this sort of party. He’d much prefer bowling or a kegger or something. Or maybe the kid’s museum. And he gets like 200 birthday parties, most of which I have to plan and none of them Candyland themed. Lucky kid, huh?)
What, ME neurotic?
Once I realized that I could have a Candyland themed birthday party for Amelia, it was like the heavens opened up and shone an angelic light on the rest of my day. Which was, unfortunately for me, nearly over.
Immediately, I ran to the computer to scour Wikipedia for the name of the Princess in the game. Ben had been obsessed with the game for a year or so, and I’d remembered loving it as a child, and always longing to be the princess. But what was her name? I simply couldn’t remember.
Considering that you can get tapeworms online (no, seriously), it was no stretch to find the name for the characters from the game.
- The Gingerbread People
- Mr. Mint
- Gramma Nut
- King Kandy
- Princess Lolly
- Queen Frostine
- Lord Licorice
- Gloppy the Molasses Monster
Dave and Amelia had gone downstairs to watch television (presumably Daver, but you never know with kids these days. Damn kids on my lawn!!) and told them of my findings.
Aunt Becky: “Dude. Mimi is going to be Princess Lolly. And ONE OF THEM WAS NAMED PLUMPER. BWAHAHAHAHA!”
Daver: “You’re so full of shit.”
Aunt Becky: “Maybe it was Plumpee or something. But STILL! HAHAHAHAHA!”
Daver: “Whatever. That’s SUCH BS.”
Aunt Becky: “I found it on Wikipedia! And I remember that they all had names! I always wanted to be the princess when I was a kid.”
Daver: “You do know that not everything they say on The Internet is true, don’t you?
Aunt Becky: “SAY IT AIN’T SO!”
Well, I pulled up the entry on Wikipedia and he STILL wouldn’t buy into it.
Daver: “Someone obviously forgot to edit this entry.”
Aunt Becky (clicks on Hasboro link and points triumphantly to the names of the characters): “HA. SEE! How’s that FOOT taste, Mister?”
What strikes me as oddest about this isn’t that he wouldn’t remember that they had names–I only did because I’d wanted desperately to be a princess–but that it was always the three of us who played Candyland until our eyes bled.
If I am IN the picture, I am not taking it. Therefore, SOMEONE else was taking the picture. But (dot, dot, dot) mayhap he was just an innocent bystander. Hmmm…
Oh noes, who is that man in dire need of a haircut? Why, that would be a very, very old picture of The Daver, now wouldn’t it? And what’s that that he’s playing? Why it almost appears to be CANDYLAND!
Sorry baby, looks like you’ll be assuming the role of GLOPPY come January.