A couple of months ago I let on that I’d been writing a bunch of essays in my not-so-spare time, and it was something I was shy to admit to even you, Sweet Internet. For someone who has told the internet so much about the state of her vagina, I tend to be a fairly private person. Especially when I’m branching out of my comfort zone of bon-bons, martini’s, and cheese queso, which this would absolutely qualify as.

I was so quiet about the whole situation that I only shamefully told my best friends about it when I was nearing the end of it all. I suppose I was just being shy. Well, that and it seems that everyone and their brother has an aspiration to Write a Book or Be An Actor That Sleeps With Vincent D’Onofrio, and the last thing that I want to be is like someone else.

Plus my 5 Year Plan involves only one phrase: Don’t Die.

I’m not that much of a planner, I suppose, although up until very recently, my Diet Coke stash was never depleted. Now it just tastes like battery acid, you bastard, and I don’t obviously want to drink it.

But I have a new non-Diet Coke related quest, Internet, one that I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about sooner. Shh, baby, it’s okay, Aunt Becky still loves you best.

I’ve written a book, and I need help. My literary agents have thoughtfully suggested that I come to you for some suggestions on some of my more sluggish essays, and I think that’s a brilliant idea. Would you be willing to help me, Sweet Internet, in my quest?

Yes, you read that right: I have literary agents. And a book. It’s a good book, I think, and I think you’ll like it.

59 thoughts on “And You Can Call Me Mr. Author Aunt Becky

  1. Ok so you have a plan to not die, but what’s Plan B in case that fails. You should always have a Plan B you know.

    Maybe convert to Hindu and plot your return as a llama or something would be an idea.

  2. Awesome dude!!!! Now I get to start leaking stories about you to the press and wearing big sunglasses to protect me from the papparazzi when I hang with you…

  3. FanTASgreat! That’s so awesome! You really are superwoman! You are one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud while reading your stuff. Whatever we can do to help you I will be first in line to buy your book or beat down your rabid fans. What-ev. Congratulations!

  4. Count me in I love you writing. I read daily and check a couple of times to make sure I do not miss anything. Whatever you need girly.

  5. OMFG! How exciting! I think it goes without saying that anyone who reads your blog would be happy to help.

    But don’t forget that I review books on my blog. And I’d happy to review yours…if you send me a copy, of course. 😉

  6. Aunt Becky does Hollywood, oops, I mean goes Hollywood! That’s so awesome! Can I be in the movie when they make it? I’ll even play the stalker ex roomie from hell if the money is right of course:)

    Congrats on the book, can’t wait to read it and would be happy to do whatever it takes to help make sure it happens for you!

  7. You suck!!! (Translated that means I’m jealous and now I have no excuse not to write, er finish, that tome of mine).

    What can the Maid of the Milk do to assist my dearie?

  8. I’d love to do some reading. On the plus side, I am ruthless about the specific meanings of particular words, and I have excellent taste in fonts.

    On the downside, I’ve never met a run-on sentence I didn’t like.

  9. Only if I get a full mention in the acknowledgments. And a free, signed copy. And an invite to sit in the green room when you’re on Jon Stewart.

    I’m sorry, what was this about again?

  10. You know, I heard variations on that a lot when I was dating. I devastated one poor fellow when he played his country song for me and I actually gave him feedback (it was a really great song that could make a ton of money but it was slow in the bridge). So as long as you don’t pout about it, yes. If you’re gonna pout, I’ll keeps me mouth shuttered! I can only take so many dinners where you won’t talk or look at me, and it’s very awkward in bed. Sorry, I drifted off there… I meant to say, “Love to!”

  11. I’ll also offer to help but my help will probably involve chicken wings and beer. And cab fare home if there are enough essays to read!

  12. Hell, I’m game. Whatcha need?

    If you had the chutz to get an agent, you’re one step ahead of the game already!

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  13. Dude that’s fabulous! And admirable. I am finishing up a longish short story and that for me is like a fireworks in the sky accomplishment. (Plus I’m happy if like, four people read it.) So book-type things utterly impress me. Congrats, yo!

    Sounds like you have a crapload of willing helpers, but if you need an extra set of eyeballs, poke me anytime. (Not in the eyeballs, preferably.)

  14. Good for you! I kind of picked up on this, so I am glad you let the cat out of the bag. Just so I can tell myself I was right! What’s it about?

  15. Wow, that is very impressive 🙂 Congratulations and I wish you loads of success!!

    By the way, I don’t wanna be an actor but would like to sleep with Vincent. Okay … not so much “sleep”.

  16. Finally you tell us. I’ve been waiting to hear this actually as your writing beyond brilliant! ( i love that UK expression by the way) So bring it on Becky… and woo hoo for agents, go easy on em.

  17. Yay! I am so proud of you! An agent??? I have never looked at my book again since I finished it. I feel physically ill when I contemplate the editing and revisions and the idea of having to put myself out there and get an agent…
    But I would love to help you with your book, anytime. Maybe you can talk me down from my ledge and help me be brave like you in return…

  18. BECKY! Omifreakinggawd I am so proud and excited for you! I couldn’t be happier if Viggo Mortensen fell out of the sky and into my lap right now!

    OK. That last part was a lie; Viggo in my lap would make me a tiny bit happier. But I’d be honored and thrilled to help you if you still need a pair of eyes.

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