Dear The Makers Of Cialis:

Can I call you Eli Lilly and Company? I hate to be so informal without the pleasure of having met you personally, but I feel like I know you already. I mean, you’ve put commercials of old people with boners in bathtubs onto my television for years causing me to think of old men peen for the rest of the day, which makes me feel as though I do know you, Eli Lilly and Company. We’re practically Christmas Card friends, now, aren’t we?

I get it now, Eli Lilly and Company, I do. If I had erectile dysfunction, I’d probably never enjoy sitting in the middle of the forest in a bathtub holding hands. If I had erectile dysfunction, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to stroll in fields of wheat (or is it barley? I tried to scour the Internet for answers, but no one could tell me if erectile dysfunction = strolling in wheat OR strolling in barley. I feel like you should inform us of the proper fields to stroll through with our limp penises, Eli Lilly and Company). I also now know, thanks to your informative commercial, that if I had erectile dysfunction, I would never, EVER take a whimsical bicycle ride for two through a cobbled street.

These, Eli Lilly and Company, are all things I now know about erectile dysfunction.

These are also things my nine-year old son now knows, too. When he asks me, “Mom, what’s erectile dysfunction?” I simply tell him that it’s some confusing thing involving roving bathtubs in forests. He seemed satisfied, although he may have a life-long fear of roaming claw-foot bathtubs. I’ll send you the therapy bills, Eli Lilly and Company.

What I need to know, Eli Lilly and Company, is how one should call their doctor for erections lasting more than 36 hours because that seems, well, a little awkward, don’t you think?

Receptionist: “Hello, thank you for calling Your Doctor.”

Erection Guy: “I’ve had an erection lasting for 36 hours!”

Receptionist: “You’re a perv.” *hangs up* *files restraining order*

You see, Eli Lilly and Company, how this could be a little awkward for all parties.

I nearly called my own doctor to see if I could get a prescription for this Cialis, as I wouldn’t mind a leisurely bath in the forest (I do not have the same roving bathtub fear as my son), if only to get away from the short people who insist upon whining, “MOOOOOOOMMMMM,” every 2.3 seconds, until your actors, pretending to engage in a personal conversation with me (ME!) said that, “Cialis is not right for everyone.

Well. Now. Talk about a bait-and-switch!

So, Eli Lilly and Company, I’m going strap on my black leather motorcycle jacket and join my friends in a guitar circle singing, “Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaa Viagra.”

Yours Always,

Aunt Becky

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

63 Responses to An Open Letter to The Makers of Cialis

  • Shondira says:

    Radio commercials are the worst. I’ve had my boys ask me all sorts of things because they hear it on the radio. What gets my goat is that it is your doctors job to prescribe you medicine, not the advertisers job.

  • KYouell says:

    Thank you for this wonderful post clarifying many confusing things about Eli Lilly and Company and their Cialis campaign. The best part about your Eli Lilly and Company post is that I now no longer feel that my Val E. Kilmer post, which *still* is not written, is not too late.

    Just to clarify, and to use their names one more time, I would like to state that I do not believe that Val E. Kilmer has any need for the products like Cialis that Eli Lilly and Company sells.

  • ED commercials make me equal parts laugh and gag. I love the ones out now and I don’t know if they’re for Cialis or not, but the ones showing every day chores and how ordinary moments can be extraordinary. The man and woman exchange a look while she hands him the basket of laundry or he hands her the paint roller (How about those obvious reverse stereotypes, too) and suddenly they’re whisked away to the bathtubs in the forest. Instantaneously. (So maybe it is Cialis). Does the painting not still need done? Does the laundry not still need put away? And WHO gets that romantic look in their eyes during THAT stuff? I just don’t get it. But am amused by it all the same.

  • jana says:

    I think that John C. Mayer may need some Cialis from Eli Lilly and Company. Because if he doesn’t have a weak peen, I don’t know who does. How do you think he gets through singing all that douche rock?

  • Frank says:

    Come on now, don’t you know every guy wants to take a bath. OH and how much better would it be with a raging woodie,in the middle of the forest. And have you ever tried riding a bike and not being able to turn because your junk is now in the way of the handlebars. Then there is the fear of taking the wonder pill and hoping that in the time it takes for it to work we haven’t said or done something to piss off the significantmt other in our life. Catch 22 if you ask me, and another fine post by our favorite aunt.

  • Vicki says:

    An erection lasting 36 hours is a scheduling issue!

  • Simple Dude says:

    The good news is if you take Cialis you will be able to take a leisurely bath in the forest when YOU want to. Although a 36 hour bath would lead to some serious pruning.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

  • MommyLisa says:

    Yup. Totally AWKward.

  • Mary says:

    Other ones that make me sick: The bear with the bits of toilet paper on his butt, the lady who used to re-use her catheters, and Jamie Lee Curtis telling us that she couldn’t poop until she tried Dannon Activia.

  • beta dad says:

    How am I supposed to know if I have ED if I don’t even have a TV?

  • Lorraine says:

    I used to think the same thing about tampons: that you couldn’t ride a horse or wear white jeans unless you had this magical cotton thingy in your yoo hoo. Imagine how crestfallen I was to discover that having a period meant no pony rides, no new wardrobe, no swimming. Just bloating and peevishness. Chin zits.

    Back to Cialis, though: at a hockey game with my 84-year-old father, I had to answer some awkward questions about “that medication advertised on the blue line” while beer-swilling hooligans laffed and pointed. Hated that the most.

  • steph gas says:

    i was happier when they actually referred to it properly as a ‘priapism’. when they say ‘erection’, everyone knows what they’re talking about. hahaha, that guy’s gonna have a stiffy until friday!! at least ‘priapism’ sounds like an appropriate medical-y term, not something that middle schoolers will laugh at uncontrollably.

    having said that. i have no children in the house. just adults and cats. but i still hate those commercials and want them to be medically appropriate and say PRIAPISM. asshats.

  • 34milepizza says:

    I was JUST complaining about that product last night! I looked over at my husband and asked him what correlation there was between Cialis and bathtubs. And why do they end up in seperate bathtubs? If this is supposed to help you “get it on”, shouldn’t you be all up in each other’s “business” in the same tub? I just love it when I’m watching t.v. with my daughter (who is now 16) and commercials about Viagra and Cialis and the one that “increases your size naturally!” start blaring at about 30 decibels higher than the program you were watching.

  • I’m sure Eli Lily and Company is only advertising their stuff because they care so deeply about us. Just like John C. Mayer, they are. All about the caring.

  • Empresso says:

    Then your 7 yo TV baseball fan sings, very loudly, in the grocery store (aisle 7 as I recall), :VIVAAAAAAA VIAGRA!”

  • lelisa13p says:

    Now that was a letter that really needed to be written! Just because they prettied up the ad doesn’t make it any different than the skanky pharma-p0rn that sometimes escapes the Spam filter, landing in my Inbox. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was a story in the news yesterday involving a major push to market a “female version of Viagra” because “women would prefer to take a pill for what ails ‘em”. Gah! *strangling noises* Can’t wait for those ads to run at all hours.

  • lelisa13p says:

    Now that was a letter that really needed to be written! Just because they prettied up the ad doesn’t make it any different than the skanky pharma-p0rn that sometimes escapes the Spam filter, landing in my Inbox. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was a story in the news yesterday involving a major push to market a “female version of Viagra” because “women would prefer to take a pill for what ails ‘em”. Gah! *strangling noises* Can’t wait for those ads to run at all hours.

  • It’s not erectile dysfunction but I love the KY commercials for starting with a normal suburban couple followed by the after effects. Pure genius. I want to try their products so I guess advertising works. Sometimes.

  • andygirl says:

    I watch TV on the internets so I’ve never seen this delightful commercial. but now I want to. I so need to see this!

  • The Mommy says:

    Go visit Burghbaby.com – Michelle’s story of Alexis quoting the ED commercial makes me laugh until I cry. Go! Hurry! Her title is something about drug ads reaching their audience…

    Now tell me THAT wasn’t funny!

  • Rebecca says:

    Eli Lilly and Company totally bothers me because I’ve figured out the erectile dysfunction problem they are having on their little 30 second commercial. The problem does not lie within the mans erection, the problem is that they are in SEAPARATE bath tubs. Wouldn’t it make sex a whole lot easier if they were both in the same bath tub? I’m sorry Eli Lilly and Company, but no pill will make the man maintain neither a large enough erection or an erection that will last long enough for the man to have sex with the girl in a completely different bath tub. So Eli Lilly and Company, please show them in the same tub, perhaps a whirlpool type tub..jacuzzi or something. Thank you Eli Lilly and Company

  • Ally says:

    Personally I’ve gotten a little tired of the roving bathtubs and now like the one where the couple brushes against each other while DOING LAUNDRY and it suddenly becomes a romantic moment. SERIOUSLY? I have never had a romantic interlude stem from doing laundry. Am I missing out on something great about laundry here? Ha!

    Your post made me laugh all the way through!

  • Kate says:

    As I sit here in Ukraine, feeling lonely and missing my kids at home, I decided to cheer myself up by popping over to see what my Aunt Becky has been up to and to see if she’s written something that might make a smile grace my face.

    Not only a smile passed over my features, but a few genuine, out loud laughs emerged, as well! :)

    Thanks for making me feel better, Aunt Becky. You’re the best!

  • Leslie says:

    Aunt Becky, I am very glad you filled all of us in on Eli Lilly and Company. Without Eli Lilly and Company, I’m sure clawfoot bathtubs would be practically obsolete, and without Eli Lilly and Company, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to discuss things with our young sons such as priaprism and Cialis. Of course, Eli Lilly and Company also has given us the chance to laugh hysterically over the term “an erection lasting over 4 hours”.

    So thank you, Eli Lilly and Company, and you too, Aunt Becky. ;)

  • Sam says:

    True Story: I live in the city that boasts the headquarters of Eli Lilly and not ONCE after driving past have I seen ANY clawfooted bathtubs. You’d think that they’d have one on the roof, just for advertising purposes, or for employee relaxation or drug testing or something, but alas, not ONE.

  • a says:

    With age comes the inability to multitask. So now, I can no longer read a book and watch TV or, my preferred activity – playing on the internet and watching TV. Therefore, I don’t ever see those commercials any more. Look! A bonus to getting old!

  • How do you ride a bike with a boner?

  • Frannie says:

    Isn’t the whole point to have a boner for 36 hours? Sounds like they’re just being picky. Either it works or it doesn’t.

  • Rebecca says:

    Being the good RN that I am, I DID explain when my daughter asked about the 4 hour erection. She still laughs about it. It was almost as fun as explaining the giant fetus posters outside Planned Parenthood to her younger brother…..who would much rather be dealing with the “other” issue.

  • DH lives in fear of developing ED, which I think can become a self fulfilling prophecy. (there’s an innuendo in there somewhere I am sure)

    I said Dude, you don’t get laid while painting walls or walking in fields now, some pill is not going to change that.

    Unless *I* get the pill.

  • Kelly says:

    So if a Cialis boner falls off in the forest, and there is only a lady in a clawfooted bathtub to hear it, does it make a sound?

  • I agree I find those commercials have a very high creep factor. All I can think of is some old dude getting his rocks off with usually some old woman…we know in reality that old dude’s not wasting his cialis on his old misses. He’s out skulking around the bars, like some pedo with candy…Hey , look what I got. you want some of this? And he shows them his synthetically erected member wrapped in a $100 bill. Now, I must go and have a nightmare! Thanks Eli Lily!

  • Suniverse says:

    I’d think that a 36 hour erection would make you a hot commodity in the old people’s home – aren’t there markedly more women than men?

  • Ms. Moon says:

    This was great. I agree. Hell- the GD commercials for Summer’s Eve still make me feel skeevy and I’m a grown woman who has bred and born four kids. I mean- I am not afraid of vagina and penis talk.
    BUT! What happened to good taste? Oh wait, would that be RASPBERRY Summer’s Eve?

    • Melissa says:

      Yeah, it kind of makes me wish for the days when Mothers and Daughters walked down the beach elbows locked while the daughter confesses she sometimes doesnt feel fresh.

  • Erika says:

    Were you here the other night when my husband and I were talking about this? Great minds. My post is in my queue. Those commercials are insane!!!! I mean really? Is it supposed to be a joke because nobody in their right minds would think this shit up.

    I have a crapload to say… Your post on John Mayer was brilliant and seriously because of that post, I now “get” SEO. And now my husband does too since it was an easy way to explain it to him!

    And last week I did a series on my panic attacks and then somehow, somewhere I saw you have a new community and I clicked on over and I think it is wonderful and genius. I wrote all about my panic attacks and people came out of the woodwork telling me their stories. I had no idea how many people could relate. All I kept thinking was that there should be a nice safe place for people to go and then there you are. I will be totally recommending your site to people as soon as I get some time. I also will upload my stuff for consideration.

    Also, I never check my Reader. Am I an idiot, or is there a place here to subscribe by email to your blog. I can’t find it anywhere.

  • Kristy says:

    I fear the day my son can ask me about shit like that. Good thing he has a speech delay. Ha, ha, ha. :)

    http://www.pampersandpinot.com

    • ann says:

      I am so glad to see that I am not the only one that has thoughts like this one(and I have had some doozies that people think that I am cold hearted)

  • Rebekah says:

    Here via Tatjana – she pimped your blog in one of hers. I think the entry where your work was stolen. I decided I like your writing so I keep reading.

    Anyway.

    I feel bad for the kids named Alice – you know that their classmates are calling them “Cialis”

  • Those commercials totally fall under things I never wanted to know and now can not get out of my head. Ugh. Thanks for the reminder.

  • Judie says:

    Our family doctor keeps trying to push Cialis to my husband whenever he goes in for a check-up. Do you think he is getting a kick-back from the drug company?

    I have an appointment with our doctor next week for a check-up. What he will be getting from me is not a kick-back, but it IS a kick in the nuts.

  • You know, 36 hours is just about the amount of time needed for a weekend in Vegas. Thank you Eli Lilly and Company!!!!

  • jennybeme says:

    This is particularly funny to me as my asshat ex hubby works for Eli Lilly and Company. I remember when Cialis launched (pun totally intended) and the ridiculousness that ensued with those stupid commercials. Next thing you know they’ll have John C. Mayer in a tub singing about limp bubble gum tongues.

  • J.R. Reed says:

    First off, I loved it. As I always do. Second, I hate to sound like an editor or someone who is critiquing you, but I think you could have found a way to slip in the phrase, “bone the shit out of…”

    I’m just saying

  • Maryline says:

    In France advertising for prescription medication is forbidden.
    So the French do SOME things right!

    Now of course the French don’t have any ED — nothing reported thus far.
    And they don’t get fat either, especially women.
    All right enough with the BS, please!

  • Jeanette says:

    I read this post in my Reader, and then went to check my email. The very first thing I opened was a request to sign a petition against Eli Lilly! Apparently they produce rBGH which has been linked to cancer. Then they turn around and sell drugs to treat or prevent cancer. Anyway, I thought it was a strange coincidence and thought I would offer you the link.

    http://org2.democracyinaction.org/o/6098/action/milkingcancer

  • GingerB says:

    Claire always asks me about the KY warming jelly ads. I mumble something about how I make homemade raspberry jam, which is much better than store bought jelly, then I offer her some Cheetos, because Cheetos can wipe her mind clean of any other topic. Natural Cheetos, mind you, natural.

  • Bell says:

    This reminds me of when I was little and a teen abstinence commercial came up on TV. At that point in time, I thought it was impossible to have a child without being married (literally biologically impossible) and it showed a teenager carrying a baby instead of books. So, confused, I asked my mom how that could even happen.

    “Sometimes it’s an accident.” She replied.

    Me, taking this to mean that sometimes there are cosmic accidents that allow you to grow a baby before your time, became scared. “I hope it doesn’t happen to me!”

    And my mom laughed and told me she didn’t think it would. And it never did! I am still spontaneous baby free.

  • Grace says:

    Let’s not forget about all the side effects:

    headache
    indigestion
    back pain
    muscle aches
    flushing
    stuffy or runny nose
    erection that won’t go away
    sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing
    sometimes with ringing in the ears and dizziness
    death

    And of course don’t forget:

    Stop sexual activity and get medical help right away if you get symptoms such as chest pain, dizziness, or nausea during sex. Sexual activity can put an extra strain on your heart, especially if your heart is already weak from a heart attack or heart disease.

    Okay so let’s give it to a bunch of old guys that have heart problems.

  • Average Girl says:

    Loved this! And, it reminds me of one of my favorite parts in “The 40 Year Old Virgin”…Andy: Hi, yes, I’m calling because it’s more than four hours and your ad said to call if it’s been more than four hours.
    Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
    Andy: I haven’t taken any, but your ad said that if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
    Operator: You’re only supposed to call if you’ve taken the medicine.
    Andy: Okay. I’m sorry. I must not have heard that part.

  • Every time I see an erectile dysfunction medicine commercial, I get down on my knees

    (No, Aunt Becky, not like that!)

    (Really, I’m surprised at you!)

    and thank God that it’s not centered around a known politician.

    ‘Cause if there’s anything worse than roving bathtubs, it’s knowing about celebrity old man sex.

    Also childhood poverty.

    But today we’re focusing on old person sex.

    Or the lack thereof.

  • Melanie says:

    Damnit, Aunt Becky, now I have a fear of roving bathtubs! Add it to the “Irrational Fears List” right under “Zombies” and above “Our galaxy actually being inside an airport locker”, thank you Men in Black.

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  • TheDaHTheory says:

    Loved this post! But I will admit… as the wife of an occasional “male enhancement supplement” user… Cialis is better than Viagra. Fact. They should change their slogan to “Ain’t no hardon like a Cialis hardon.” Whhhhheeeeeeeeee!

  • Sue Doughnim says:

    I once had an awkward conversation with my boss about Cialis, which started with him breezing into my office and asking “what’s the name of that hard-on drug?” and ending with him telling me his wife had picked up a discarded box of Cialis post-it notes on a walk and he’d been using them when he gave stuff to his neighbors, etc, etc.

    On second thought, I value my job and should probably be semi-anonymous in this comment…

  • moonspun says:

    Everytime those damn commercials come on, my husband and I joke about the bathtubs. And really, let’s be real if the “moment” strikes while I have a laundry basket in my hand, let’s not push a button and make a forest appear. Throw me down on the folding table and let’s get to the deed, fast and dirty!

  • Kevin says:

    C’mon, who are you trying to kid? We all know you have a rock hard boner 24×7. We also know your clawfoot tub has more travel stickers than @johncmayer has stamps in his passport, and that you’ve taken baths in 7 national parks, 18 national forests, and the middle of Grant Park. (Less clear to us is how you actually get WATER to your tub, but then again, we aren’t really “detail-oriented” people.)

    I’m very sorry your 9 year old boy is asking about “erectile dysfunction,” but we’re sure you will take heart in the fact that he is asking everyone he knows about it – friends at school, teachers, cops on the corner, your parents, your husband’s parents and Sister Mary Catherine, to name but a few.

    What we cannot fathom, though, is your hatred of mayo, but your love of Chik-fil-a, because, unless I am mistaken, they actually put mayo on their sandwiches.

    It is an odd twist of fate that even as we see you in all your larger-than-life glory, you remain a mystery to us; a chimera that we only glimpse out of the corner of our collective eye while staring transfixed at the luminosity of your pink “Shut Your Whore Mouth” t-shirt. But we accept this, knowing that mere mortals can only imagine what gods see.

    We salute you, Aunt Becky, in all your John C Mayer outing, mayo hating, whore mouth shutting, chik-fil-a eating, etc. etc. glory. I hope, in some humble way, that these thoughts reach you in much the same way I hope @god hears my prayers.

    You are my hero Aunt Becky, and an icon for our times.

    Cordially yours,

    @irant

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