My Dearest Darling Dexter, Dr. House, Anthony Bourdain, et. all,*

Dexter, remember just this past winter, when I had the swine flu and you helped me make cupcakes? That was probably one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me in years. Except okay, there was that guy who helped me put my groceries in my cart AND THEN HE HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME because motherfucking chivalry isn’t DEAD.

Sure, okay you’re a vigilante serial killer and I like the IDEA of killing people and “serial” is ALMOST like “cereal” and I could write massive tomes about my love of cereal. And maybe I am too cheap to have gotten Showtime to watch your forth season, but know that I tweeted ANGRILY at the stupid fucking New York Times Blogger who insulted your hat.

And you, Dr. House, your Vicodin-popping ways made me fall in love with you every Monday night. PLUS, I use your show as a way to use my medical knowledge to feel smugly superior to upwards of two toddlers and a host of houseplants. I am often way ahead of your team when I diagnose your patient for you. (P.S. It’s never lupus or perineoplastic syndrome)(except when it is)(that, my friends, is medicine for you) and then I feel very lofty and important.

Mr. Bourdain, while you can say words like “pube” on national television and are snarky enough to make my girl bits jiggle with glee, I have a feeling you’d take my steady diet of Uncrustables and Diet Coke personally. But call me, we can can wear matching BFF necklaces because I sort of want to follow you around everywhere you go and see if you really are always that awesome. If you are, I’m going to admit that I’ll be VERY jealous.

THEN, I might have to sic Dexter on you.

But, gentlemen, while we may always have our nights of the week together, I am afraid that I have found someone else that has captured my heart. While trolling Craig’s List for love porn missed connections a new couch**, I found my new boyfriend.

(please click to enlarge. But don’t get any ideas. He’s mine)

Now, see, he KNOWS that I won’t mind if things get a little weird, because with me they’re ALWAYS a little weird. I mean, I’m AUNT BECKY, bitch! And while I normally can only handle 3.5 minutes on a bucking bronco, baby, for you, I’ll hold out for four.

I’ve never cried after sex, baby, unless it was really bad, but I’m planning to collect your tears and weave them into a throw rug. We can lay on it while we watch The Notebook. Then I will run my hands through your heart-shaped chest hair and thank GOD we’re together.

I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANY LONGER, so I won’t even try.

But since you posted this in February and according to my faulty mathematics it’s been like a year or three, I am afraid some other vixen may have snatched you up. You’re clearly a catch that no woman could pass up. So I am posting my OWN Craig’s List ad.

Are You The Cheese To My Macaroni? Wait, That Came Out Wrong.

THINGS I LIKE IN A MAN…Not a sex offender and can preferably recite the entire opening monologue from Men In Black II. Enjoys frying bacon naked. Can handle upwards of 6-12 hours talking about my feelings and what they mean to you.

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF…I dislike talking about my feelings, bacon and Men In Black II. I enjoy lustily holding hands, abusing prescription narcotics and giving blue balls. If you ever talk about cuddling, I will punch you in the throat….No pic, no reply. Also, shaved balls are a must.

————–

I’m pretty sure the replies will be rolling in.

*at the risk of making me sound like a hugemongous slutbag who puts out for her fake television husbands.

**Fidget sent it to me.

Comments

comments

67 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Television Husbands

  1. Frying bacon nekkid?!?!? You’d totally burn your nips. Good luck finding the guy that does that, I’d start at the hospital, searching for band-aid dents in the shirts of all you pass.

  2. Oh my Aunt Becky. He’s a looker. I didn’t even notice the heart shapes on his chest and abdomen until you pointed it out.

    I will fight you to the death!!!

  3. I have a very serious aversion to body hair so, while I go throw up and rinse my eyes out with bleach… have fun with that.

  4. “Lustily holding hands” made me feel like I was reading a young romance novel. So obviously I must now spend the entire day trolling the tween section of the library. Damnit.

  5. This has nothing to do with your post (which was great as always), but I was grocery shopping yesterday and found myself in the frozen food section. I passed by the Uncrustables and started searching to see if they had any plain peanut butter ones. Now, mind you, I don’t mind some jelly with my peanut butter. Anyway, I recalled your preference for jellyless Uncrustables. They didn’t have any, but they had whole wheat ones with strawberry jelly. Whole wheat? I realize that the entire world is on a health craze, but do you really eat Uncrustables for their health benefits? That’s like drinking the caffeine free diet mountain dew I saw the other day. What’s the point?

    Oh, they also had grilled cheese uncrustables. They may be ok, but rethawing frozen cheese doesn’t sound like a good thing to me.

  6. How can you put a skull and cross bones on the Daver? Are you going to make the Daver grow his hair long like your new 4 minute dude?

  7. Oh to run my fingers through his long greasy hair… But alas, my arms are not long enough to make it all the way through. Can you get lice on your fingers?

  8. Haha, his hair reminds me of mine. I don’t have a happy trail girls, I’ve got a fucking happy field! (good think my wife is awesome enough to handle that)

  9. Is that Bo Bice? I think you’ve got a winner there, Becky! Any man who’s confident enough to brag about his small equipment is a real man. You’re so lucky. I hope The Daver is an understanding man.

    Oh, just a fabulous, fabulous post!

  10. Wait, they made a Men In Black 2? Time to slip out of this bright red suit, fry up some bacon, masturbate for 3:30, shave my hairline back another 3 inches and search Netflix on the computer!
    Again.

  11. The Daver is so cute, even with the skull and crossbones over his face. Love the photo of you too.

    And your craigslist boyfriend. Wow…..he’s something else. Can’t wait to hear the stories from this one.

  12. First of all, I’m loving this: “are snarky enough to make my girl bits jiggle with glee.” I dig it.

    Second of all, seeing as how you hate talking about your feelings, and threaten violence at the mere suggestion of cuddling, I’m wondering if you might be persuaded to become MY girlfriend?

  13. I think my BFF dated him the summer after graduation. And by dated I mean she had sex with him in a bar bathroom. But she did it more than once so it was meaningful.

  14. Once again, you rock. Loved this post. but who the hell would make fun of Dexter? The freaking guy had cancer.

    And if you didn’t see season four, YOU HAVE TO! The last show of the season blew me and my husband away. Literally.

    Sadie at heyMamas

  15. Dear Aunt Becky,

    I feel that this is an appropriate time to tell you, but TV Uncle Dexter and I have been having an affair. It pains me to say it, but I am glad that it is over between you to; the whole TV incest thing may me look white trash, and I’m going for a shabby chic thing at the moment, but not TOO shabby, you know? Anyway, lay off my man or I’ll set his skinny little sister on you and she’ll go all bad cop on yo ass.

    Maybe you and Mr Craigslist can braid your hair together, paint yourselves blue and pretend you’re both Navi doing that mind link thing. That would be totally hot.

    TV Uncles House and Alain, you may keep, and I wish you years of TV happiness.

    Yours,

    Gulliver

  16. Did that say “ride this buckin bronco for 4 minutes”??? I mean, even in bull riding they only require like 8 seconds……and WTF do I know that??!! He’s simply asking too much. I think you will need a partner to handle him. Tag me in, I will be your back up, when this obvious sex god becomes too much for one woman to handle.

  17. Dude, just an eff-why-eye, hands off House. He’s mine.

    Moving on…I think you should contact the Sex God and ask him how he feels about bedazzeling his chest.

  18. I’m fucking crying, I’m laughing so hard! I saw that picture when you posted it on Twitter and had to change my panties right away! He is one yummy man! Although, I’d dumb his hair ass (?) for a date with Anthony. Even if it’s to just follow him around and inhale his second hand smoke *dreamy sigh*
    *HUGS*

  19. I know I’m a bit late on this one but I feel the need to clear my name.

    “Mr. Craiglist” is me, or rather, that is a picture of me.

    However, I did not post that ad.

    I live in Jersey, not Minnesota. That may be a sigh of relief to some, and nightmares to others.

    I will admit, I had a good laugh along with many of the women here who found that photo “repulsive”. Thanks. Thanks alot ladies.

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