Today is the Superbowl (if you’ve been living under a rock or something), and although I don’t give a flying fuck about the game itself, but it’s annual celebration marks a sort-of anniversary of sorts.

After you’ve been together long enough, there are all sorts of stupid dates to remember (birthdays, wedding dates, children’s birthdays, and the infamous Day We Decided To Buy A New Fridge), and I don’t usually recall most of them until they’ve passed.

But because Superbowl reminders have been vomited every which way, I can’t help but think back to the day that The Daver sweetly invited me to a party thrown by his buddies, auspiciously for the Superbowl, but really more about the foodstuff.

It was when we’d first started dating, and everything was all new and weird and exciting and we didn’t know each other’s bathroom habits or middle names or weird hangups. I was strangely flattered by the request, as we’d just spent our first weekend together (and I had been stuck in Boyville without a hairbrush to tame my mangled mess of hair) and I had figured that my unbrushed teeth would have frightened him away, but no, not The Daver.

The first part of his invitation was sweet,

“Would you like to come to my friend’s Superbowl party? Here, I’ll print you some directions.”

And had he left well enough alone, I might have considered attending.

But as men are wont to do, he continued with,

“Man, if you come, my friend Rob is going to laugh. Every time he sees me I am with a new woman.”

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Gee, sweetheart, thanks.

Thanks, but no thanks.

It was the first in a long relationship riddled with Foot In Mouth-Itits (a tragic disease so far without a cure), and miraculously, I still married him.

(And possibly even stranger, after learning of my obsession with all things pink and heart-shaped (BUT NOT DIAMONDS. NEVER DIAMONDS) and the fact that I use an insane amount of toilet paper, he still married me.)

So dish, what’s your favorite open-mouth-insert-foot story?

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16 thoughts on “An Anniversary Of Sorts

  1. There are too many to list in this little 3 x 3 comment box. . . .

    Seriously . . .My Husband is the “King” of many things. “Insert-foot-in-mouth moments,” included.

    But if you ever have a few free years, on your hands . . .give me a call, and we’ll talk. 🙂

  2. Bones doesn’t really put his foot in his mouth all that often, if the truth was told. He will, however, push the limits of friendly insults (which we trade on a near-constant basis). I dunno. We get along fine.

    Now, they guy I dated BEFORE him was really good at being completely insulting. I remember, once, I was worrying about something and he was trying to calm me down (mistake #1) and trying to make me write a ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ list. In the middle of a massive fight about how to properly make a ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ list, the phone rang for one of his roommates. I took the message, and went back in to grab a piece of paper to write the message and he calmly told me that, in the Frat Pad, they used the ‘message’ button on the answering machine.

    “Do you know how to use it?” He asks (mistake #2)
    Yes. What do you think I am, an idiot?”
    “Well,” he says, “if you’re having trouble with this list…”

    Ooh… he got a real taste of a True Italian Temper ™ for that one.

    Then again, this was the same idiot who gave me a calendar who only went up to February.

  3. One time at band camp..J/K

    I think my would be when I was at a club, just turned 21 and was pretty well drunk, I started dancing with a guy, and I asked him his name, and he said it, and I was like what? grunt? it sounded like he kept saying grunt. I was like ok, GRUNT. and my friend was like lindz he saying “brent” I called him grunt anyway.

  4. Haha, hilarious story.

    My husband asked me out on my birthday (our first date), and in a lame attempt to act really casual, I said, “Ok. There’s nothing keeping me here.” Which, I might add, there WASN’T other than laundry. I still get that line thrown back in my face.

    My most embarrassing moment of mouth/footness thankfully involved one of my best friends, or else it could have been far more humiliating. This friend has two kids, the youngest fathered by her high school boyfriend. By the time the youngest was born, my friend and her now-husband were already married as this guy was out of the picture. I obviously knew this, being best friends and all, but somehow, when the little girl was about 5, I made an off-hand comment about how X (little girl)didn’t look anything like Y (husband). I still didn’t even realise what I said until my friend laughed and said, “Well, she wouldn’t, would she?”. Duh.

  5. My husband regularly puts his foot in his mouth. I can’t keep track of them or remember them really – because it happens so often.

    There is one that I remember pretty clearly, when we first started dating we watched the movie “Fear” Which, if you haven’t seen, the girl tries to break up with the boy and he stalks her – it’s been a while so I don’t have all the details in my head. Anyway, I said jokingly “haha, you’d never do that to me would you?” And he said “leave me and find out.”

  6. Where do I begin? I am horrible about this!

    When I was with my ex, we were hanging out one night and I kept expressing my desire to go meet up with another friend because it was his BIRTHDAY. My ex wanted to go meet his friends at the bar and I kept whining that it was my friends ACTUAL BIRTHDAY and we really should go meet up with him first. He caved and we met up with my friends. At the end of the night, we went to go meet up with my ex’s friends who promptly bought my ex his deserved birthday drinks.

    That’s right – not only did I forget my boyfriend’s birthday, but I whined and drug him out to a friend’s birthday celebration while his party waited at another bar. We had been together for 3 years.

    I am a total asshole.

  7. ha! happy anniversary of the first foot-in-mouth moment for you & the daver.

    Not having nabbed a husband I only have a small collection of “lame things said to me in bars”.

    My favorite, and one that still gets quoted within my band of friends follows:

    me, standing in line for an adult beverage at a bar that allows dancing to its 80’s music.
    him, standing behind me, a stranger.

    HIM:(to me) “You sure do sweat a lot!”
    ME: (to him) “What the fuck did you just say to me?”
    HIM: “You sweat a lot…but in a good way. Like it looks good on you. Like, um, glass beads or something.”

    I let him buy me a long island iced tea.

  8. I have a raging case of foot-in-mouth-itis. It happens at least once a week. One most recent thing that happened was when I was out with my sister-in-law and after a few drinks I kept going on and on about being a mom, not even realizing what I was saying when my poor sister-in-law really wants kids, but can’t have them. It doesn’t sound that bad, but I assure you, I was an idiot.

  9. Insane amounts of toilet paper? YIKES !! OK…Mine is from a New years Eve party when I saw a woman being helped up the steps towards a car by two people. I said to anyone who would listen, “Gee looks like someone had too much to drink tonight” someone then informed me that the woman was in fact our host’s mom… and she was blind. Thats why they were helping her up the steps… At that point I wish I could have crawled under the carpet.

  10. Ha ha ha. I’m still laughing. Great Story.

    My most famous moment: I was working with a family and was at their house doing an assessment. I knew the mother/daughter well. A strange man walked through the dining room while I was talking to the daughter and after he walked out I said, “Is that your grandpa (who I had heard about but never met).”

    “Uh-no. That’s my mom’s new boyfriend”

    Thank God the mother wasn’t in the room at the time. That’s all I can say.

  11. When I was five months pregnant with my daughter, we went out to dinner with a group of ten people for my birthday. While we were sitting at the table waiting for our food to arrive, someone asked me how much weight I had gained since I had been pregnant. I responded by saying twenty pounds and then my husband says loud enough that everyone in our corner of the restaurant could hear “yeah, if she keeps gaining weight like this she’ll weigh more than me by the time she has this baby”. I was completely mortified and he still to this day doesn’t understand what was so wrong about what he said…

  12. M. does it constantly considering his severe lack of social skills. I just do it spectacularly!

    My epic FIM comment happened when my uncle was visiting. He had a bad back and went to stand one night and couldn’t raise up completely (he was in an upside down L shape). He stood there for a minute, and then I offered to “knock him up”. Nuff said… lol :”>

  13. The first time I met John’s parents. We sat down to eat, and I dug in. Everyone stared at me. I put my fork down, and they began saying “grace.” I didn’t know that I was supposed to do this. Seriously? Like anyone in my family ever did such a thing.

  14. Heheh. I have this habit of calling myself retarded if I fuck up. One morning, I was at the gas station getting the essentials for a 12 hour day (read:caffeine) and gave the cashier what I thought was a $10 bill. I was waiting patiently for my change and getting everything back in my purse when she told me that I only gave her a $5. Oops. I proceeded to tell her that I was sorry for being retarded and grabbed the $10. When I looked up to hand her the money, I saw that she had Down’s Syndrom.

    Oops.

  15. Ya know, you have a lot of good comments here and although I have a lot of incredible stories of me or my husband saying stupid shit, I don’t have the energy to write any of them down. But, this just proves that I read your blog and all the comments. And that I’m really lazy. And drunk.

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