My big push for the year besides:

1) don’t die

2) don’t kill anyone

3) don’t die trying not to kill anyone

was to try and get involved in Ben’s schooling. Not like all PTA-style because I don’t think I could get away with stapling my mouth shut for hours at a time because that sounds painful and The Daver won’t buy me a handler to make sure I don’t say things like, “I say we teach our kids to practice ASS-tincence! GET IT? Bwahahahahaha!”

No, I signed up to be on the baking committee.

Before you all draw collective gasps of amazement at my gall, I can assure you that despite the way it looked when I made my not-so-delicious Cake Wreck, I am an excellent baker….

….providing it doesn’t have to look pretty. What I make will TASTE delicious, it just make look like a hot plate of ass. What can I say? Aesthetics isn’t my strong suit.

I’ve tried to sign up to bring in my delicious delectables before, but I’m guessing that someone reads my blog and probably saw my horrifying mini cake monstrosity and decided that they didn’t want their kid to die of dysentery THAT week.

I was turned down. I cried into my terrible, sad blue cake. (you have to read the other post to understand what I’m saying)

Months later, when all of the other people had been tapped out, and changed their email addresses,I was finally called into action. Your Aunt Becky, finally ready to prove her worth in front of God, The PTA and everyone.

My orders were about as hilarious and complex as you could possibly get. It was something so uniquely teacher-ish (this is for Teacher Appreciation Week, you see, Pranksters, a group that I appreciate SO VERY MUCH that I would happily give them fistfuls of cash rather than a crummy cake) that I immediately had to call The Daver out of a Very Important Meeting to inform him of it.

Now, had I been a teacher in the school, this is what I would have wanted the cake decorated like:

1) Me clubbing children

P) Me strangling children

**) Me torching the school

12) Me mowing over the crazy parents with my large SUV

8) A bottle of Vicodin with me in the background passed out (presumably from taking it)

5) A fluffy kitten perhaps doing something whimsical like playing the piano!!1!!

I am clearly unequipped to handle masses of children in one place at one time and if you are a teacher, I will personally bake you a cake if you come over to my house because that is how much I love you for doing what you do. I do not promise it will LOOK PRETTY but you know, it’ll taste good, so who gives a flying monkey shit?

If the teachers DIDN’T want cakes depicting violence against children because they are clearly better human beings than I am, what on earth DID they want?

Cakes that you can motherfucking SALUTE, Pranksters! Oh yes, they wanted FLAG cakes. Which, is just such a TEACHER thing to want, isn’t it? I’m happy if my cake is tinted a color that is certain to make my poo turn green, but the teachers wanted to have cakes made to represent the flags of 4 nations. Shockingly NO ONE wanted to make them.

So I offered to buy them because I know my limits. The last time I ended up making a cake that was supposed to look like something cute, it ended up looking like this:


Not exactly what I’d planned it to look like, but you know, the greatest plans and whatnot. So the prospect of ME making a cake that was supposed to look like a flag was, perhaps, the most amusing thing I’d heard in months. If this was me TRYING to make a nice cute cake, what would my attempts at a flag look like?

Short answer: I didn’t know and didn’t find out. But I DO plan on doing an In The Kitchen With Aunt Becky soon. Just not with a cake I have to actually GIVE people who then have to EAT it (not just submit it to Cake Wrecks).

My Flag? The AMERICAN Flag, of course (The American Flag was also the pattern of my retainer in high school! Oddly, I lost it in Europe. True story).

I had to explain that I wasn’t just feeling patriotic when I picked it up from the giggling teenagers at Target. The more I explained it, the harder they laughed at me. I suppose they’re not used to seeing Old Glory outside of July Fourth in such magnificent splendor.

Also, there are NOT 50 motherfucking stars on that flag. The teachers will be sure to point that out and be downright clucky that it’s not actually CORRECT. Maybe they will contact my Social Studies teacher and give me a very belated F.

When I picked up the cake, I found myself in the car looking down at Yee Old Flag in her Sugared Glory and singing my most favorite patriotic song.

I give you the INCREDIBLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK OH MY GOD PRANKSTERS LISTEN TO ME DO NOT PLAY THIS AT WORK song from Team America:

Tell me that’s not the funniest thing you’ve heard in forever (the video, well, that’s just what I could find on You Tube). Also, you can sing it to ANYTHING, so it’s like the most versatile song, ever. We should change it to our national anthem, I think.

American Flag Cake, FUCK YEAH.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

133 Responses to America, Eff Yeah

  • The American Baseball Association needs to jump on your idea about changing the national anthem, because let’s face it – people would start going to baseball games for that alone.

    They should also start selling liqours.

    But maybe that’s just me.

  • Ms. Moon says:

    I’m totally with you on Team America! Fuck yeah!

  • PeteInAz says:

    HEY…

    Where is everyone?

    Hi Becky… Nice cake.

    C,ya.

  • PeteInAz says:

    So…

    Where is everybody?

    Hi Becky. Nice cake.

  • Stephanie says:

    A smart woman knows her limits! EFF YEAH!!!!

  • linlah says:

    You mean your cute cake does not represent the flag of many nations because that’s totally what I thought.

  • Jessica says:

    Seriously, what’s wrong with a store bought cake? I’d rather my kid eat a store bought cake than something that came from some stranger’s house that may have baked it while singing love songs to their 50 cats on the counter.

    Well done Aunt Becky, wouldn’t have done it any other way.

  • katrina says:

    Very cool song!!! I agree….let’s change the national anthem…..(it pretty much sucks anyway)…..I’d like to hear every classroom belting out “america– fuck yeah” It’s sincere and has meaning…

  • Alexandra says:

    I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want the first cake right there.

    It’s beeeyoooteeeful!

    I want it for my wedding cake.

    But, store bought stars and stripes works, too.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’ll make you that for your wedding, dude. When you get married to a…mouse. The thing was maybe 2 inches tall and smelled like burning hair.

  • Shannon says:

    You seriously cannot say “America, eff yeah!” without meaning. Just saying it in my head sounds totally rockin’.

    Also, my baking tastes like magical fairy yumminess, but looks like unicorn crap with sprinkles.

  • sushi eh??

    fuck yeah!! baaaaaaahahahahaahahahaah

    I have never been so glad to be a Canadian in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! lol…

    I hear ya’ on the “pretty food”… I try- I really do… but pretty and food is an oxymoron in my world. If it looks better going in than it does coming out- I consider myself a success!!!

  • meredith says:

    bahahahahaha! faaaabulous.

  • Cyndi says:

    I second the store bought cake comment! Especially when there are children in the house it’s coming from… and if they’re anything like mine, that’s just not sanitary.

    I say fuck a lot at hockey games, so that’s where we should start the conversion. Is there an anthem at hockey games?

    Anyways, my video is more awesomer:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClP8n6asn3w

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh, there was just no way I could make a cake that looked like a flag. I might make a cake that looked like a CAKE. Store bought just seemed SMARTER.

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention America, Eff Yeah | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Topsy.com

  • Paige says:

    Next time you gotta bake, check out my recipes on my blog. I can’t make cakes look like anything (like flags) but my cupcakes are damn good.

  • Shell says:

    They turned you down at first? That’s just so wrong.

    I’m scared of the PTA. Scared I will get sucked into the motherbitches and all their drama.

  • Gina says:

    I must tell you, as a middle school teacher, we couldn’t care less what the cake looks like. Someone brought us free food? YIPPEE!!! In fact, a professional cake decorater once brought in her practice cake that was shaped like one of the monsters from Where the Wild the Wild Things Are. It was amazing, but we were all scared to cut it. We didn’t eat it for like a day, a slight miracle for food in the teacher’s lounge.

  • Cara says:

    My fingers are itching to play that video. But I’m at work with the door is open and if I get up to close it everyone will know I’m up to something!

  • joann Mannix says:

    I love America and I loooovvve me some cake. What a great combo.

    Well done. You’ve learned one of my time honored secrets. Always. buy. the. baked. shit. It’s so much better for everyone involved.

  • Damn woman! You buy a hell of a cake!

  • pattypunker says:

    what teacher wouldn’t want one of your cake ideas? if i were a teacher (and no one would ever let that happen because i’m more immature than the kids) i’d want the passed out vicodin cake. fuck yeah!

  • Shin Ae says:

    Uh, that might be my new favorite song. Besides the Birdemic theme song, that is.

  • Rebecca says:

    I was thinking a flag that represented gay pride or something of that nature would be better, because the gay pride flag is all rainbowish and I like rainbows.

  • a says:

    I’m figuring that the cake representing America is really just a symbol of our national tendency to shoot things and blow shit up, and they’re projecting our patriotism (see above) onto their students. So, your flag cake symbolizes everything on your list of what you would want on your cake if you were a teacher. Except #5.

    Also, WTF, sanitary people…what are you going to catch from a cake? It’s baked. Baking kills all the germs, because you heat stuff beyond temperatures where germs can live. This is why everyone has to bring Oreos to school functions these days…because germ paranoia has reached an all time high. /end rant.

    Oh, and nice song. Very appropriate, I think.

  • MommaKiss says:

    Wait. You have a bakery in your TARGET? BACK THE TRUCK THE FUCK UP?! jesus, I’m so sad I left the MidWest!

  • Jennie says:

    Fuck yeah! Love it! For me, store bought is always the way to go. Despite the fact that I am usually a disaster in the kitchen, I baked my daughter’s first bday cake. It was pretty cool looking, but I kept thinking the icing looked very dark. What I thought was gel icing was actually gel food coloring in little tubes that totally looked like icing tubes. I used it undiluted to make a big sun design on the cake. Thank god I realized what was up before we served it. Although, it would have made a funnier story if I’d let people eat it.

  • Kate says:

    I just want you to know that you give me the room to be exactly the kind of non-PTA parent I am deep down inside.

    Thanks, Becky. Fuck yeah!

  • Erin says:

    When you’re sad, or you’ve done all your icing bombing runs for the day, there is the introspective, slow jam version of the “America, Fuck Yeah” song too. Don’t remember much from those movies except those catchy assed songs!

    You so rock the Teachers Lounge, Becky!

  • kbrients says:

    I want to join PTA…. only if you are there too. Seriously. They need more people like you ;)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I would join if I knew I would be welcome. Otherwise they’d get the JOLLY GEE WILACKERS MISTER, Aunt Becky who is VERY uncomfortable and also from the 1950’s.

  • cathyjoy says:

    fuck yeah – that is Awesome (the cake’s not bad either :O)

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Bwahahahaha… awesome song and an interesting cake.

  • Oh my god, I LOVE that song. I remember when it first came out, I couldn’t get the “America! Fuck yeah!” part out of my head for WEEKS! LOL!

    Oh, and I listened at work. I am a mother fucking badass.

  • Inna says:

    Bwahahahah! That video is awesome!

    I also like your blue cake – can’t tell the dimensions is it really tiny? And, it looks like it would taste good :)

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Did they actually SAY it HAD to be an American flag?

    Because, you know… Libya’s flag is just a solid emerald green, which I think you could handle (maybe).

  • Amy Mayfield says:

    There are few things that piss me off more than being tricked into attending a PTA meeting under the guise of school play night. Not that bratchild isn’t terribly talented, but I am almost convinced they rountinely give her big parts JUST so I will attend these meetings.
    I don’t mind giving money, just don’t make me sit through a meeting of women that have nothing better to do than fight for who can be first in the carpool line and who has the most expensive matchy matchy athletic ensemble for field day.
    (I volunteer for field day under the condition I work the coke truck, that’s more my skill set. And I wear Ann Taylor-normal people clothes.)
    Other than that-I can’t believe you baked. After you’re mini-cake no bake machine thing, I’m a little surprised.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      This is precisely why I can’t be in PTA. I’m happy to whip out the check book, but I can’t muster up any energy to really give a shit about why high fructose corn syrup is The Devil.

  • Amy Mayfield says:

    Ummm…I’m also a little loaded up on the benadryl. I meant that you offered to bake for teachers who visit you. And I think most of the teachers I know would rather have booze. Or prescription meds.

  • Vinomom says:

    I haven’t ever seen that video. The Bed Bath & Beyond part had me rollin’ – the Slavery part I thought was a little odd but Fuck Yeah for Confederate America (I guess)

    I would add some stars

  • Angie says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
    This has always been MY favorite patriotic song IN THE WORLD, EVER. Why am I even SURPRISED??
    Eff, yeah, inDEED!!
    Love,
    Angie at Eat Here

  • Melissa says:

    I am all about the buying vs making myself. Its totally worth it!

  • Elly Lou says:

    Good call ordering the cake. With a manicure that gorgeous, you can’t be shoving those things in sugar and eggs. Save those fingers for your husband’s…flag receptacle.

  • Jennifer B says:

    Oh my damn, that was funny. My husband heard it and came over to see. We both cracked up. Thanks for that. I needed it. We are now singing it to everything. You were right.Yet again. Aunt Becky knows how to rock.

  • Chris in PHX says:

    Hey Auntie Bex…I was at Target today trolling the snack isle and noticed the Uncrustables were on sale. I thought to myself “self, aunt becky luvs em…Ill give em a try” so I bought a box of the grape ones 52 minutes ago, and am polishing off the last one. Thanks alot, now Im a fucking uncrustables addict! I gotta go to target….

  • Nitza19 says:

    ZOMFGWTFBBQ Aunt Becky!!! I am a teacher!! Does this mean I can have a cake? :D

  • Molly says:

    Girl. GIRL. Listen. I swear if/when I move back to Chicago, when your turn comes up in the baking rotation just CALL ME. I will HANDLE IT. And then those PTA bakers will be begging you for it, because it will taste AND look good. And you can be all, “You’re Welcome.” I totally don’t mind if you take credit for it. Because that’s how much I lurv you, man.

  • Dawn says:

    Ooo, ooo, ooo! Off topic, but my fav Canadian version of an “America, fuck yeah!” type song is here and it is called, in true too-polite-too-live Canuck style… “Canadian please.”

    Also my baking is.. sporatic at best. It’s usually edible and sometimes even looks the way it’s supposed to. But it’s not a reliable thing.

    P.S. Pls to let the html link work so I won’t look like a doofus. Amen.

  • Yvonne! says:

    so i’m a little late on this one. a few moments ago i said “OH FUCK I HAVEN’T READ AUNT BECKY IN LIKE 3 DAYS, NO WONDER I HATE LIFE!!” so i came on by and managed to hear “america, fuck yeah” while watching will and grace and i must say, i think i just came. thank you aunt becky, and thank you america.

    and jack and karen.

  • Martha says:

    I taught for a couple years and I totally would have appreciated cake 12) But we might have had to do the pass off in the 3rd stall of the girls bathroom in hall 3- you know, the one with the pornographic picture carved in the door.

  • wait, wait, wait…was no one else taught asstinence?

    glad to be following. :)

  • Erin says:

    So, I found your blog about a week ago and have been reading and cracking up ever since. I haven’t felt brave enough to comment until today, and do you know what compelled me to do so? The fact that you have a Dexter DVD in the background of your Cake Wreck picture. I am kind of obsessed with Dexter and have yet to find anyone else who even knows what I am talking about when I bring it up.

    Also, my husband is a teacher and he totally would have requested one of your lovely violent cakes.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      If you live near Chicago, I will make you a cake! Come on over!

      And we can SHARE Dexter, who is my television boyfriend. I adore him with the passion of a fiery hot suns because he’s so freaking adorable….for a guy who kills people and all that.

  • Lauren says:

    Your patriotism is overwhelming. I feel like I need to salute you or something.

  • Amanda says:

    America … FUCK YEAH! Really should be our national anthem, it just makes sense.

  • Saffy says:

    I’m not American, but that’s one of my TOTALLY FAVOURITE songs!!!!!!! :) Your cake looks ‘interesting’ but hell, if it tastes good, that’s all that matters – I’m all about the cake, less about the frosting.

  • GingerB says:

    The only other song that is almost that good is “Blame Canada”

  • carissajaded says:

    I agree with you about that song being the National anthem, it’s way better than ours is now!

    I love your little blue cake, I don’t know why you hate on it so much!

  • Kindle says:

    That cake is wonderful. Have a great day!

  • Mwa says:

    If you weren’t meant to buy cakes, they wouldn’t sell them. But that is a particularly weirdly decorated one.

  • edenland says:

    Aunt Becky ….. fuck yeah. I love you – and your ridiculously beautiful fingernails. Can not WAIT to meet you at BlogHer.

  • ToyLady says:

    Beautiful cake there. Your cake looks almost exactly like my 12th birthday cake.

    My mother made a flag cake for my sister’s (11th) and my 12th birthdays, many years ago. Our birthdays are one day apart, and hers falls on June 14th – Flag Day. So of COURSE we celebrated OUR birthdays by celebrating Flag Day.

    I am not making this up. Kinda makes me nostalgic for my childhood. Or, um, not.

  • It’s this stuff that makes me love you even more. And buy the house next door to you.

    Also, I’m a teacher, where’s my cake?! Damn it! I want cake!

  • Mary says:

    I would enjoy sporting events a lot more if they played this song first. I mean I love my country and all, but the National Anthem puts me to sleep. Besides, I think the idea of yelling “Fuck yeah” in a large crowd really sounds cool. With other people taking part, that is. (Vision of Future Me, at the mall, with Alzheimers and wet pants, yelling “Fuck yeah” at strangers).
    If the teacher is smart, she will serve the cake at the end of the day, send the kids home with a sugar high and let the parents deal with it.
    Need to scour my pantry for a can of frosting.

  • Zakary says:

    That cake should make the teachers proud. Just don’t sing the song. Or kill anyone. That’s bad.

  • Zakary says:

    Also, I just remembered it is Teacher Appreciation week at Zoe’s school and yesterday they got a goddamn CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. Tomorrow, we are supposed to send in flowers, Thursday they get breakfast and Friday is dessert day.

    If I went to work and we had a chocolate fountain, I would cry tears of happiness.

  • mumma boo says:

    Flag cake?! Fuck yeah! You saw the cake I made for Cheeks’ last birthday. My new cake motto is “Store-bought or bust”. Now I’m going to merrily hum “Fuck yeah” while blowing bubbles with Cenzo this afternoon. “Bubble-dog, fuck yeah! Goopy shit everywhere, fuck yeah!” Rock on!

  • Melme says:

    As a teacher, [ You're welcome! ;-) ] I would just like to say that more often than not, these kinds of things (flag cakes, party themes and such) are usually picked by the old ladies that work in the office. We grin and bear it but I know I would much rather have any of the cake designs that you suggested!

    So far, we’ve gotten a shirt for teacher appreciation week and that’s it. :(

  • Sabreena says:

    I laughed when I read a comment you made to someone about how you went around saying “fuck yeah” about stuff around your house. Priceless. I wonder if you could make that song into a ringtone. It could have customized things added, “Your Mom is Calling, Fuck Yeah!!”

  • baseballmom says:

    omg, rock the fuck on. i also think we should revamp the pledge of allegiance somehow. also, i am the pta vice president, but only because i love to torture the stupid bitches that can’t laugh and are all uptight because i didn’t bring my tortillas for the teacher lunch-haha, they were in my car tho, just wanted to see them freak out a little…haha…i’m 14 like that.

  • Traci says:

    My new favorite song! I had to laugh that Dexter is in the background of your cupcake monstrosity. lmao

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh, Dexter is my boyfriend. Always. Notice how he’s looking at my cake like, “see honey, you did okay there?” Because he totally is. In my mind anyway.

  • Paula says:

    Teachers like cake. Any cake. And chocolate. You are awesome for taking a cake in – we teachers appreciate all the parents and what they do, too!

  • Krissa says:

    Krissa is overcome with patriotism and wiping a tear from her eye. She will get back to you when she pulls herself together. ;-)
    Awesome job, girl!

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