Actual REPOST of an IM conversation with Pashmina, my former blogging buddy:

Aunt Becky: “I don’t take laxatives but my ass is gonna try Alli** when I quit nursing”

Pashmina: “DON’T DO IT”

Aunt Becky: “???”

Pashmina: “Seriously. Do. Not. Do. It”

Aunt Becky: “???”

Pashmina: “First, the point of Alli is that it traps fat and makes you shit like crazy when you eat something with too much fat in it.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll deal with some anal leakage.”

Pashmina: “second: Alli takes a LONG ASS TIME to get out of your system
you stop taking it and you’ll still be shitting buckets for a month”

Pashmina: “Third: it prevents nutrients from being absorbed by the bowel
so you’ll lose weight. And muscle tone. And valuable nutrients”

Aunt Becky: “Man that shit is tough. But it beats a tapeworm.”

Pashmina: “Now that I’d rather have.”

Aunt Becky: “Why don’t you get one?”

Pashmina: “I don’t know how, but I wouldn’t mind.”

Aunt Becky: “I think you could order one off the internet. Lemmie see.”


Aunt Becky: “Dunno, I’m looking it up.”

Aunt Becky: “Got it.

Pashmina: “OH COME ON.”

(time passes)

Pashmina: “Good, GOD. $1200 for a tapeworm?”

Aunt Becky: “dude. WILD.”

Meatloaf wrote “I Will Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” about–I shit you not–donuts.

What wouldn’t YOU do? What’s one thing you’d NEVER do?

Also: I freaking LOVE the Internet. Tapeworms, who knew?

**I did end up trying Alli and it didn’t work very well for me.

81 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas….

  1. tough question…I’m pretty up to trying ANYTHING!! I’d have to say it’s toss up between bungee jumping and crawling into a tank full of cockroaches (got that from Fear Factor–remember that show?)

    For love? Amour? Amore? Anything…Including getting married three times…

  2. well, I wouldn’t kill anybody. Probably I would avoid anything that risked jail time in prison, unless it was one of those country club white collar crime prisons you hear about.

    other than criminal offenses…and riding on ferris wheels… I’m open to suggestion.

  3. I won’t listen to Miley Cyrus. It’s against my religion.

    I won’t get plugs in my ears.

    I won’t own a ferret or a hamster or any rodent, everrrr.

    I won’t wear spandex as a fashion statement.

    I won’t wear a bluetooth or crocs.

    I won’t drink white zinfandel.

  4. I totally guffawed at Miss Spoken’s comment. BLECH. VOMIT.

    Are we talking about what I wouldn’t do ever, in general, or to lose weight…? To lose weight, I’m desperate right now, so I’d probably do anything. A tape work sounds quite appealing if I don’t focus on how said tape worm has to leave my body. I grew up hearing about tapeworms escaping while one swims in warm pools…

  5. I got e-coli once in Morocco and thought it was pretty horrible. But then I dropped 10 lbs in 7 days and everyone told me how good I look and the best part was I could eat anything. I was in a huge hurry to get rid of it, and then I did, but now I realize it was a super easy way to lose weight quickly.
    Another awesome way to lose weight… having a baby in the NICU + pumping all the time – eating = skinniest I’ve been since HS 🙂

  6. Never? Never is a long, long time. I don’t think I can commit to never. Wait? Is that something I’d never do? What was the question again?

  7. I clicked on the link to the worm site. I don’t think the “after” of the before and after shots on the front page look any better. You go though all that and it doesn’t even cure your psoriasis? WTF! Plus I’m not convinced that it’s the same body part in the pictures.

    What wouldn’t I do? Hmm…hard to say. I probably wouldn’t go sky diving. There is no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane (as my Dad always says).

  8. So..this just caught my eye:

    “introduction of small doses of intestinal worms may be effective in the treatment of asthma, allergies, and some autoimmune conditions.”

    ’cause I want to get a tapeworm to cure my allergies!

  9. Why did it not work? Did you get the explosive diarrhea with the inability to control it while wearing white pants in the grocery store?

    Cuz, that is why I wouldn’t try it. I mean I feared for the office so my fear after that would be another public place with fluorescent lighting.

  10. No skydiving, no bungee jumping. Yet I have zero fear of flying.

    Anything else that I say is situational. I would never kill someone for no reason, but if someone tried to hurt my family…well, the cops wouldn’t even be able to determine exactly what happened.

    Also, my friend has lost 89 pounds since April with HCG. No complaints of anal leakage whatsoever.

  11. My go-to answer has always been “I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane”. But last time this post was here, someone told me there is no such thing. So I’m at a loss.

  12. Ok, first off. I tried Alli. I can’t tell you how many times I nearly sharted. And when I say “nearly” I mean, “really.” No. Just no. I will say though, I took it once before eating Sonic, and when I actually finally shit out the Sonic, it was actually pretty macabre to see all of that fat floating on top of the water.

    Second, I love that you can buy tapeworms off the internet. You really can buy ANYTHING off the internet. I’ve always wanted one, but I was always afraid that it would try and make its way out and that’s really just a feeling I don’t ever want to experience.

    Maybe I’ll just try and get Mono.

  13. you know I have often thought about getting a tapeworm to help in this weight loss thing. Nice to know that I can do it online if I want. Thanks LOL

  14. First of SHARTED – I am dying laughing. Because I may or may not have done that on numerous occasions (IBS is such fun, its when you learn that sometimes a fart is not just a fart)

    Second. I just realized you said that Meatloaf song was about a DONUT. And it just hit me that you said that. Won’t do a donut? Won’t EAT a donut (he doesnt look that picky) TELL!!!

    1. I’ve always wondered about that Meatloaf song. Saying it’s about donuts is the same as saying the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. It doesn’t make sense! It is a case of TLI (as opposed to TMI). Aaargh *head explodes with frustration*

      1. Trust me. It took me banging my head against a wall to get that reference. Apparently, the dude is fat, right? So his wife is all “LOSE WEIGHT” and he’s all “NO” and she’s all “YES” and he’s all “I will do ANYTHING FOR LOVE, but I won’t do THAT.”

        Hence: donuts.

    2. Okay: so the dude is fat, right? Whatever, I’m not being mean, OBVIOUSLY, I’m trying to get the baby LBS off too. And his wife is all “lose some weight, yo” and he’s all “NO” and she’s all “YES” and he’s all “NO!” and she’s all “lose weight or I’m leaving you” and he’s all “I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”

      See? DONUTS.

      1. Brilliant! I am going to use this at dinner tonight. My family will of course look at me strangely and ask if I am drunk (which I probably will be) and give me The Blank Stare. Because they so totally dont get My(your) sense of humor.

  15. I don’t understand the idea of Alli. I mean…why not just quit the fast food in the first place? I tried it, but I already don’t eat a lot of fatty stuff so it did like…nothing.

    Also. Tapeworm officially grossed me out!!

    When are you going to get your tattoo?

  16. Well lover there are not many things I won’t do so I will give you a list of things that I won’t get to do.

    1) I will never get to be a famous pop star.
    2) I will never get to experience an erection longer than 4 hours.


    3) I will never get to have sex with Dave Grohl.

  17. One thing I would never do? My twenties. The fucked-upped-ness that was my brain at 22-27 is not welcome here. Never. Again.

    Oh, and naked bowling. Let’s never do that.

  18. I will absolutely not ever have my nipples pierced. I can say that with absolute certainty. Definitely not ever. Never.

  19. I tried alli and it caused a very embarrassing situation. And I would not do much naked. My tummy jiggles. Nor would I do Meatloaf (speaking of.) That dude is fug. But I would so go for a doughnut right now.

      1. I think that spell check hates our name because we don’t spell it the biblical way. Rebekah see, no red marks on that one. I’ve never met one Rebekah….but have meet several Rebecca’s which, according to spell check, is spelled incorrectly. Whatever, we are both smarter than some dumb spell check.

        Just for the record, I’m Lutheran and try to attend church whenever possible, I’m not dissin’ on the biblical spelling.

  20. Oh there was a question there?

    Ok, I would never go onto that show “The Fear Factor”, not because of the stunts, but because of the parts where they make you eat, chew and swallow things like various kinds of animal penis, large bugs, etc.

      1. No idea. They lost me at deer penis. Or was it moose? And I had the audacity to WATCH people CHEWING. It was a done deal from there.

      1. Oh c’mon, am I the only mum who’s been forced to watch The Lion King (a thousand million times) lately? Hakuma Matata? Bugs are supposedly slimey but satisfying!

  21. i wouldnt go on any reality tv show, other than that Im pretty open minded, well actually I should say I always cave to peer pressure…

  22. All I want for Christmas is a post from you without anal leakage being mentioned.

    But like the Stones say, You Can’t Always Get What You Want.

    Merry Christmas, my friend.

  23. I’m a little bit freaked out about how said tapeworm would enter the digestive track. Do you have to swallow it? Can it be balled up and covered up with soemthing like peanut butter (though that is probably a poor choice to help one quickly swallow a tapeworm down)? I could do it as long as I didn’t have to slurp it down like a long, slimey string. Ewww.

    1. Apparently, it’s a larvae that you swallow, but I’ve HEARD that you have to travel to get it. I would rather have my colon removed than get a tapeworm, though. It’s tempting, but not THAT tempting.

  24. I will be fat and fabulous before I will swallow a goddamn worm…..unless said worm were ground up and incorporated into a nice hummus and served with some blue corn tortilla chips and a glass of cabernet…and I didn’t know it.

  25. I double-dog dare you to try Alli. And triple-dare you to post your results. $10 says you shit yourself within a month. (I may or may not be speaking from experience.)
    Matter of fact, I have the remainders of a bottle I could send you to try it out. 😉

    I wouldn’t let anyone handcuff me to a bed naked. Because I’d surely be the girl that wakes up naked, hungover, and alone. Then what?

  26. What a fantastic question. I would never let anyone film me. Period. Doing anything. Because the internet and Movie Maker can be cruel, malicious tools.

  27. I’m usually game to try things…although sometimes I have to steel my nerves. I WON’T eat innards, though, and my days of eating what’s put in front of me for politeness’s sake are long gone.

    I won’t intentionally do something that would harm another, and I won’t allow someone to come to harm if I can help it. I won’t let a child go without Christmas, or Chanukah, or a birthday gift if I can help it.

    And I won’t take a pill that could make me dump buckets of horrible just because I wanted a dang egg for breakfast.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who wonders what it was Meatloaf wouldn’t do for doghnuts…)

  28. I will NEVER try anything that involves “falling”. Like skydiving or bungee jumping. I have fallen in love so that doesn’t count.

    Oh, and I would NEVER try Alli. Anal leakage and I don’t get along. I have allergies. I hear sneezing can really cause problems.

  29. Wow, a whole new take on Meatloaf, must dig out that CD. I don’t know what I wouldn’t do, I have done so much I said I wouldn’t so now I hesitate to say, “Of course I won’t do that!”

  30. I tried it, too. I lost about 5 lbs before I began not taking it if I was going to eat a fatty meal. Which was about 3 times per day. Waste of money and nice underwear.

  31. There was a show on Nat’l Geographic (or similar station) that had a Doctor/scientist who gave himself tapeworm on purpose by eating raw meat infected with the larvae. You could see the larva eggs all over it. He did it in the name of science he said. UGH! Then as the show progressed, maybe a day or so went by, & VOILA, he went to shit in the bushes, washed it off his hand & showed the camera the tapeworm. How’s that for an educational tv show? Ewww! LOL

  32. I’m too consumed by all out falling off my futon laughter to think about that question right now but really had to tell you that I love your blog. Since finding it a few weeks ago it’s been my comic relief and I think it’s actually really good for my mental health. You’re f ing hilarious!
    Much love to you and your family, Hope you’re having a great Christmas!

  33. On a serious note, I would NEVER let my “love” screw over my family and let him steal money from my dad’s business… I would never do that for love.
    On the funny side I would uhm never jump off of a high dive. Because it combines two of my fears heights and deep water. My palms are sweating just thinking about it.
    Oh and I would never like U2 for love. Eww. Sorry to the U2 fans out there. (I just shuddered)
    I looked into Ali as I eat fatty food all the time and figured that anal leakage would be a good deterrent for me to stop eating all the fatty food. But then the price got me. I don’t have that kind of money to spend on sharting.

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