Oh, what a liar I am. This was a post I wrote when Alex was a baby and Dave had just told me about this new-fangled thing called Twitter. I promptly mocked it.

Until I signed up for it myself about a year later. And recently, oh recently, my lying ass completed her 1,000 Tweet.

In case you were wondering, my foot does taste delicious with a chianti and some fava beans.

On the way home the other day, Daver mentioned that he’d been posting on his ‘œTwitter,’ which sounded like he had yet another Internet Girlfriend to add to his collection. My knowledge about current stuff -n- things has always been lackluster at best, especially considering I only recently found out about this thing called ‘œMySpace.’ Come to think of it, I was amazed that our house actually had a microwave AND a dishwasher to boot!!

He explained that it was something you can post little bits of things here and there, kind of like a mini-blog. When I stopped laughing long enough to catch my breath, I promptly began laughing again.

Here’s the thing: I’d always found blogs to be incredibly self indulgent (keep in mind I have 2’¦what does that say about me?), useless, and boring, full of ramblings about what the owner thought about kittens and poodles and the like (although to be completely fair, I have found a TON of interesting blogs in the past couple months).

Mushroom Printing (ed note: my old blog) was started as kind of an anti-blog blog, and I found I rather enjoyed it. We only posted when we actually had something either semi-interesting or semi-coherent to say (some may argue that this is actually never), and I’m pretty sure we never discussed at any length what we ate for lunch (unless there was a pube in it or something).

To me, posting about the minutiae of your day sounds stupid and boring, only interesting if you were a teenager or an international man of mystery. If possible, this is MORE self indulgent than a blog. I’ll give you an example by writing what my day was like today, ala Twitter:

*Oh my God, I’m tired. WHY does Alex insist on waking up at 6:30? OHMYGOD did he pee a lot last night. AAAHHH! Why does he wait until I open the diaper to pee on me? Asshole.

*Ooooh. I’m hungry and my nipples hurt. YAY! I can eat a bagel now! I like bagels. I gotta hide these from Ben, or he’ll eat them all. DAMN, he spied my bagel and now he wants one. Guess I should’ve waited.

*Wow, the Internet is boring. WHY isn’t it interesting yet? OH MAN I GOT TO PEEEEEEE!

*That was a GOOOOOD pee. I feel SOOOOO much better now.

*Yum, bagels are gooooooooood. I’ve got to start Weight Watchers today. I wonder how many points are in this delicious bagel’¦OOOHHH I wonder how many are in a Monte Cristo sandwich. I’ve heard those are terrible for you, but ew, they sound nasty. Dave probably likes them.

*Am I really old enough to have a first grader? Damn, I’m old. But HAHAHAHA Dave is older. I should remind him of that.

*Hmmm’¦Dave sounds crabby. I guess he didn’t want to hear from me about how old he is at 8:16 am. I wonder why’¦?

*HOLY CRAP I’M THIRSTY! I need a Diet Coke STAT.

*That’s much better. I freaking love Diet Coke. I wonder if it’s addicting. It must be.

*NOOOO! Alex wants to eat again. The kid breast-feeds at least every hour. I guess it’s time to start the formula.


*Aaaahhhh. Better. I peed for like 20 minutes.

*Wow, the Internet is still boring. I wish people did cool stuff. And post on their blogs.

*Oh shit, soccer practice is tonight. So is Parent Night. Hahahaha, Dave has to go to Parent Night. I should remind him of that.

*Wowzers, he sounds cranky. I wonder why he’s cranky now? I didn’t mention how OLD he is, hahahahaha. Maybe it’s arthritis’¦CAUSE OLD PEOPLE HAVE IT!! HAHAHAHAHA. I should ask him if he has arthritis. And hemorrhoids.

*Man, he is UNHAPPY to talk to me again. I wonder if he’s having a bad day.

*The basement smells like pee. It’s probably cat pee. Sometimes, I hate the cats.

*There are too many socks for me to sort. I hate sorting socks. Dave has this weird hang-up about sorted socks. He got that from his mother. SHE is anal about sorted socks. I bet she doesn’t like it that my socks never match. Ever.

*Lunch is good. I like lunch. I had an egg white omelette and an english muffin and an apple. I wonder how many points are in that.

*WOW HOLY CRAP IS MCDONALDS BAD FOR YOU. LOOKIT ALL THOSE POINTS!!! I should tell Dave to not eat McDonalds anymore.

*Hmmm’¦he’s not answering his phone. I guess I should call back.

*Now it sounds like he answered but then the phone hung up. I should call back to make sure that he’s okay.

*Voicemail again. He must be busy. I’ll send him an email.

*HOLY CRAP THE BABY JUST FARTED ON THE CAT!!! HAHAHAHAH! Wow, that smells TERRIBLE. I wonder if he pooed.

*No poo this time. Maybe that’s why he’s so crabby right now. I get crabby when I have to poo.

*OHMYGOD I think I just heard a car pull up! Maybe Dave’s home from work!!! We can talk about being old together BECAUSE HE’S OOOOOLLLLDDD!!!

*No it wasn’t. Now I’m sad. Oh, I guess it’s only 1:30.

*FINE, I’ll go take a walk. I should move my fat butt.

*OH MAN!! I just got LAPPED on my walk by an old guy with orthopaedic shoes! MAYBE IT WAS DAVE!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

*I like my iPod, but I wish it was blue, not pink. I didn’t want the pink iPod, I wanted the green one, but they were out when I got this. Now I’m sad. Maybe I should break this one AND THEN I CAN GET A NEW ONE!!!

*Man, I’m HUNGRY. I wonder how many points are in a sandwich.

*Wow, that was a gross orange. It peeled well, but sheesh, it tasted like sawdust.

*I love our vacuum. Especially because it has a motor. Motor vacuums are awesome. I wish it were pink. I saw a pink one at Target and now I want it. Maybe I should go buy it.

*UHOH I gotta get Ben’s soccer stuff ready for him. I should totally get a skull tattoo on my arm so I don’t look like a soccer mom.

*THE BABY FARTED AND IT WAS HILARIOUS. It totally smelled like rotten eggs. I should tell Dave that.

*WHY is his phone now registering as disconnected? I should call back.

*Hmm, the phone company doesn’t know why his phones are all disconnected. MAYBE HE’S AT MCDONALDS AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO TELL ME. I’m gonna punch him for that. McDonalds is awesome and I love it.

*Holy crap, feeding the baby rice cereal is hard. It’s like peeing into a moving target at 20 feet. WITHOUT A PENIS.

*Man, the baby is soooooo cute. Too bad his butt smells like rotted eggs. He must get that from Dave. His butt smells rotted, too. Gross. Men are gross.

*WOW, I’m glad someone else is taking Ben to soccer. Practice is boring.

*OHMYGOD, I just accidently busted Ben for taking a dump-a-lump. I thought he was playing in his room when he was supposed to be getting ready for bed.


I still can’t believe I have followers on Twitter. My tweets are sadly no better than I’d predicted. Oh, and Dave is a whopping 2 years older than me. I’m not really a trophy wife or something. Sadly.

Okay, Internet, dish. What’s something you’ve done lately that you never thought you’d do.

27 thoughts on “Ah, My Foot Tastes Great With Ketchup

  1. f’ing facebook!!!!
    Now I’m hooked on the stupid thing. I want desprately to close my acct but….can’t.bring.myself.to.do.it!!!!

  2. Sometimes I think about using Twitter JUST so people can see I’m not freaking kidding about my days. “Oh, he puked. Look, screaming! More puke.”

    Something I never thought I’d do? I’ll spare details but it involves a lot of bodily fluids, none of which were mine, and a lot of cleaning solutions. Yum.

  3. Date a guy 14 years younger than me. I used to make fun of my older sister for dating a guy who was only 4 years younger than her. I called her a craddle robber. I asked if she got paid to babysit him, I was just plain awful to her about it.

  4. Started using my maiden name again, before going to divorce court.

    I actually had been using this name in the phone book for some time. It let’s me know right away when there’s a telemaketer calling. Is Mrs. X home, they ask, not knowing that the Future-ex’s last name is A (as in Asshole)? No, she’s dead, I reply, which is true – my mother, who was Mrs. X is dead. I’m Ms. X.

    I even got a new passport with my maiden name on it:


    There’s miles and miles of paperwork left to do – the actual divorce, my driver’s license, the IRS, credit cards, health insurance cards….

    But, I’ve started the process – something I never thought I’d have to do, because I never could imagine my husband would one day just walk out on me, and liife – or maybe just him – can be so cruel.

  5. What does this say about me? Just the other day, for the first time ever, I wrote a blog entry and thought, “Hey, that’s not bad. I’m not embarrassed to think that someone might read it.” (I’ve only had a blog for a few months–my answer to the fact that staying at home is extremely isolating, though I never anticipated that either.)

    And ainebegonia, my husband is 14 years older than me. I know that’s more common than the other way around, but I hear you on being surprised by how well things can work when the age difference is more than you had expected.

  6. Watch “Rock of Love”.

    My sister and her family watch it, and I swore I NEVER would!!

    I would tell my sister it is a ‘car wreck’ of a show…….it’s one of those shows you DO NOT want to watch, but you just can’t help yourself.

    And if those girls had been on the Titanic….it wouldn’t have sunk!

    I am a sick old lady…………….

  7. Start a blog…still not so sure about keeping it (it’s pretty much just for my amusement ’cause I’m currently residing in the most boring area on the planet).

    Watch ‘Heroes’…I mean it looked so stupid and well, this season it is (but the first season was awesome).

  8. Well, I never thought I would be so nonchalant about diarrhea until my 19 month old developed quite the case after having antibiotics this month. Mess on the floor? Cleaned it. Blowout during storytime at the library? Dealt with it.

    Oh, and twitter? I did try, but I am really not that interesting. I do post a daily status update on facebook though….

  9. Licked my finger then used it to wipe my toddler’s face. Ewww. Gross. I would pledge here to never do it again, but don’t care to join you for foot, chianti or fava beans…

  10. * Set up my twitter to automatically update my facebook status for me every time I make an update (this is when I realized that I really DO have a facebook addiction)

    * Opened a store on etsy

    * Had to explain to my two year old that “here daddy, daddy” is not an appropriate way to call her father for help. While I found it to be quite hilarious that she calls him like a dog, He didn’t appreciate my rolling on the floor laughing as she did it over and over and over all day long.

    oh, and thanks for the reminder, I should go remind my husband how OLD he is (I’m 27, he’s 31). I’m sure that will brigthen his day as he heads out the door to work and I delightfully plop myself on the couch to watch the news while the kids are still sleeping.

  11. OMG! You are hilarious! And now I will follow you wherever you may go! @wastingtheday is me! I have a Facebook page. I thought those were for teens…but I’m imature at heart, so I caved. And I never thought I’d write a blog…and now I have three! One for my stupid diet, one for my dead baby, and one for my daughter! Who knew!?

  12. I am still resisting the twitter. I think I need a fancy phone first so I can do it all mobile style.

    And I blog about my poodles. Shit.

  13. I joined twitter on Friday – I haven’t told anyone yet – and my choice names were already gone. I’m still not sure I’ll be using it, but it would be a good place to gripe about the woman who uses the bathroom as a phonebooth at work.

  14. That was hilarious! As for me, I never thought I’d blog (as in write my own and read others). But I do. Incessantly. I’m addicted. Giving up ice cream was way easier than giving up my sweet Internet crack.

  15. Umm, I never thought I’d be seeing my eight-year old kid with a giant boner after watching a kissing scene on TV. The only reason I never thought I’d be seeing that is I never thought I’d have a kid.

    I can’t believe I have a blog either, because I find myself annoying and occasionally boring. I mean, I don’t write about what I ate for lunch, unless things are exploding out of one end or the other, but still…

    Twitter? Not gonna happen for me. I’ve never even read it unless it’s on the side of a blog I’m reading, and I can’t keep up with the blogs I read anymore.

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