Now, before a zillion of you click away disgustedly, this won’t be another boring ass garden post, well, okay, it won’t be TOO MUCH of a boring ass garden post. Because sometimes, Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch, I can’t help myself.

*ahem* Fantasy Football posts *ahem*

Besides, most of you read me in a reader (when the reader is working properly *angrily shakes fists at the sky*) and that ‘mark all as read’ button is just so damn handy.

After I got a house, I got a dog. Well, no, let me rephrase that. I got a dog that is actually a ficus in dog’s clothing. Sure, he may LOOK like a corgi/beagle mix/stuffed sausage, and his breath may smell EXACTLY like a vagina, but I assure you, o! wise, Internets, he is a house plant.

May I present to you Exhibit A (I’d add more shots here, but the only things that change are location and the length of already insanely-long page load time. Which I do not know what to do about):

Cash, As A Ficus

Before you alert the authorities, Internet, let me assure you that this is not a dead, taxidermied dog that I’ve inexpertly displayed on my couch. No, this is how Cash lives, 98% of the time: he naps on the couch, suns his belly, licks his pooper, and then rounds it out with a snack and another nap.

So to all of you Dog Trolls who drop in to critique my Crappy Dog Skillz, let me assure you, Cash pretty much has a life that I want.

No intruder is going to be terribly deterred by the rancid vagina smell coming from his mouth or the awesome way he can totally nap while laying ALMOST entirely on his back, so yeah, I had to come up with another strategy.

The cats, although fiercely annoying as they yodel and scream hello to anyone and everyone and occasionally just for the hell of it–often scaring people into thinking that I have small children trapped on various floors of my house–which yeah. They might end up tripping someone in a desperate plea for attention as a potential Bad Guy (or Girl, let’s not be Sexist Here)

Then we got Auggie, The Most Feared Dog in all of The World, and by “most feared” I mean, he’s effing adorable and if you saw him you’d be all “squeeeee! Lemmie take him home!” and I’d be all “BE MY GUEST!”

And as you were leaving with him, I’d say all ominously, “You do know he eats poo, right?” and then you’d take a scalding water bath with a brillo pad and refuse to take my calls. But he’s cute and he weighs 16 pounds, and his only real defense tactic is that you don’t want his tongue on your person because it has recently eaten poo straight out of the butthole of another dog.

That’s right, he likes his poo ON TAP.

But, awww!


And The Daver, God Bless him, isn’t here very often, and let’s not forget the curious incident of The Thing In The Garage In The Night-Time, shall we? Dave weighs all of 45 pounds soaking wet (knock off the Jack Sprat jokes, people, I’m losing the mother-fucking weight) and, well, he’s as intimidating as a wee baby sheep. Actually, I take that back, a baby sheep is probably scarier.

So I did what any average suburban housewife with waaay too much time and science background and radon would do!


Naturally, The Devil was in the mother-effing details and I planted them in the BACK of my house instead of the FRONT of my house, but, you know, those wily burglars can come from any given angle, right?


You can see that my ATTACK ROSE has already eaten a soccer ball, a hose, and is working it’s way both towards a kiddie pool AND a Smoky Joe. It’s THAT full of Desire To Maim And Destroy.

(if you look closely, next to it is another rose, the Attack Rose of DANGER! is pink–naturally–which is thumbing it’s nose at the autumn weather and blooming like crazy. That rose, it has spunk)

Why sure, it has been pumped full of radiation:


But really, it’s not actually (read: sadly) been genetically altered. It’s a climbing, “rambling” rose. Which, for someone like me, whose favorite song was once The Dead’s “Ramblin’ Rose” makes me very happy.

It is also a HELL of a lot cheaper than a personal home security system. I guess this means that we can return Auggie, eh?


How was your weekend?

53 thoughts on “A New Dateline Special: When Roses Attack

  1. Bwahahhahhahahha, love the hose-eating climber; not so much to dog, though, I have two of those already. though mine are perfectly content to get their shit ration from the litter box. I think they like the added crunch. Kind of along the same lines as why an ALmond Roca is so much better than a Heath bar; there is just that added somethinge, you know?

  2. Augie is the spitting image (PPPHTEWY!) of my dog, Zoe. Any chance that he looks rather dingo-esque when not curled into an effable ball of cuteness?

    Also, Zoe barks as though she will tear intruders limb from limb, but she is easily distracted and will bring said intruder her Stegs/Lizard/Ball to play with once they make it inside. Even more useful, she is easily bribeable with ANY food you have handy. Carrots? Yum. Potato chips? Delish. Week-old Powerbar? Nom nom nom.

  3. I will NEVER own a dog. God bless my poor son on the day he will inevitably discover the shabbiest stray dog in all of the city and cry to me weepily, “can we keep ’em???”

    FUCK NO!

    I will reference this post when that day arrives….just so you know.

  4. I’m ashmed to say that I wasn’t really turned off by the whole eating-poo thing (figuring that all dogs must surely do it at some point, even if we don’t notice) – until you mentioned the whole “from the tap” part. Ewwwwwwwww. ::shudder::

  5. First of all, I never “Mark All As Read” on you. Others, yes, when I’m desperate, but never you.

    And second, AUGGIE!!! YAY! I think poop breath is better than vagina breath. I guess. Hmmmmm, could be a toss up.

  6. We have an attack bouganvilla. It’s on the driveway and it will get you before you even touch the gate to the backyard. It doesn’t recognize the difference between friend and foe though – it’s gotten me several times.

  7. I’m actually very curious about the radon thing attached to the back of your house. Please e-mail me and tell me about it because I’ve heard that radon+house=dead people……….

    Your rose bush and story reminds me of that one movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole …….sometime in the movie they bury the ex husband of Nicole Kidman (not Tom…..her movie husband).

    Anyway, where they buried him, a huge rose bush grows overnight to this huge crazy bush….and after they chop it down, I think it comes back.

    Rebecca, I can’t comment on your blllooooggg! ACK!

  8. My dog will eat anyone’s underwear, and he now has decided that he likes sock as a small appetitzer, too. Eats the crotch right out of a pair of panties, little bastard. I keep trying to explain to him that if I wanted them that way, I could buy them that way. He doesn’t get it.

  9. I have no dog – nor will I get one. I have 5 kids for pete’s sake – even if they don’t eat poop they DO make a lot of it. And for some reason they can’t wipe their butts very well.

    Sounds kind of like the child version of your dogs, no?

  10. Ahahahahaha, that is fabulous. Love the puppies too. How cute that they match each other? 😀

    Note to self: go in the FRONT when sneaking in to stalk Aunt Becky…

  11. Ewwww. This is why I am not a dog person. Of course I’m not really a rose person either, unless they come in a vase. Unfortunately I inherited a bunch of roses when we bought the house and they are getting really big and scary and I don’t know what to do about it. There’s one rose – bush? plant? thingy? that’s at least 8 feet tall and has thorns bigger than my kid’s thumb. Another one, we TRIED to dig up because we put the trampoline there and it keeps growing back. So I’m afraid to do anything to the really big one. It might attack me!

  12. what the HELL, aunt becky? obviously cash is TOTALLY STRESSED. look at his EYES. you can clearly see him thinking, “what the *fuck* am i going to do? i totally should NOT have been driving after snorting that much coke. ohmygod, what if i left some fur on the body? what the *fuck* was i thinking?”

    god. no wonder he licks his shithole. did you ever think that it’s a nervous habit? poor fella.

    and as for your other shedding machine? love the picture of him mid-bend.. awesome.

    soccer ball? i don’t even see a soccer ball. in the time between when you took the picture and when i saw the picture, the plant has digested an entire soccer ball. because i don’t even see a soccer ball. maybe you should get your kids some machetes. or those “i fell down and can’t get up” alarms, only in your case it would be, “mooooommm, the fucking roses are eating me again and i left my machete in the bathtub. come save me.”

  13. Just like Jack the Ripper…

    Did you know our first dance at our wedding was Ripple. Yes. And our second dance was Harvest Moon (Neil Young). And our recessional was Jessica (Allman Brothers). HIPPIES!

  14. Our dane-lab mix, now unfortunately (read: NOT) living with a friend, was a poop-eater. Ew!!!!! I don’t think I ever let that dog touch me with his mouth or nose after I figured that out.

  15. “Poo on tap” OMG I am going to be laughing my buns off about that all night! I am disturbingly interested in seeing a dog eat another dogs poop right out of his butt. I bet if you get it on video and post it on YouTube it will be a viral video with a kabillion hits.

    And vagina breath. Could it be described any more perfectly? I knew EXACTLY what his breath smells like when you said that.

  16. I have a similar rosebush, except for two things…first, it started off as a little shrub rose with clusters of blooms (my mom called it a seven sisters rose) and then some hybrid part of it started growing and killed off the shrub part. Second, it buds and blooms in spring and then loses ALL OF ITS LEAVES. Then it grows some back. It’s as tall as our house.

    Our defense plants are Barberries. Nice and thorny…So, we have about five of them, three of which are planted along the top of a 4 foot retaining wall. To get to the one closest to the house, you have to pass a giant pampas grass and two other barberries and probably go under the deck. Guess which bush the deer have been eating?

  17. I am in awe of you, Aunt Becky. I’ve decided you need to come live in a cupboard in my house, to entertain me when I’m bored. When I’m bored, I will come and open the aforementioned cupboard, and you will say something probably involving the word vagina, and then I will close the cupboard until the next time I need you, and I will have much relief. Because you are a GENIUS.

    Oh, and my weekend was grand. Babes was away, but I was out with friends and gave the children junk food and got them to bed at midnight. So – grand.

  18. Our dogs are a bit more lifelike, to say the least. I’ll be happy when at least one becomes a houseplant. They’ll scare off most anyone, however, so that’s a plus.

    Oh, and my beanstalk will kick that rose bush’s ass!!

  19. Dixie, my four pound Chihuahua and queen on my world, prefers cat poo, especially once it’s been buried sand. It’s her version of almond roca. I stalk the cat relentlessly to catch the poo the second it bursts forth in hopes of warding off her consumption of this particular taste treat, because if she finds it before I do she will inevitably jump up on the couch where my prone, wine-soaked body is just about to nod out and plant a poo-laced tongue directly on my lips. That will spoil the deepest Chianti stupor.

  20. (Rebecca: The movie is Practical Magic. Because, yes, I am a dork. I think I’ve established this before.)

    Aunt Becky, I understand the dog-eating-poo phenomenon. My former dog used to stand at the litter box when one of my two cats would crap, like a starving customer at a fast food joint. *shudder* Dis-gus-ting. I think the only reason she didn’t get it “from the tap” is the cats would have killed her.

  21. I have an evil cat that waits until I’m in the kitchen cooking some type of meal item, and then he drops a shit bomb in the litterbox in the mudroom that is the smell equivalent of the H-bomb. He can clear the house with that disgusting smell, while all the time he is masquerading as a cuddly little furball that my kids adore.

    Sneaky little fucker

  22. I really don’t want to know how you know what a vagina smells like…unless of course you plan to tell me you misplaced your nose?! We recently got our first family dog. What I’ve learned is that whatever dogs love…humans find disgusting. “Eating poo on tap” is my favorite line of your post. FABulous! My blog is new and lonely…come visit Holly at

  23. I’m so behind right now that I’m only reading everyone’s LATEST post instead of all of them. 40 unread posts just got overwhelming, sorry!

    I had a poo eating dog. Thankfully my Roscoe does not have that habit. But he will eat anythinginfuckingsight that might kill him. Chicken Bones, Vats full of grease – you get the picture.

    Still I love me a cute doggie. And yours is a cutie!

  24. Just so ya know ~ I do subscribe to your posts in a reader, but ALWAYS click over to the real thing! It’s just so much prettier and funnier that way.

  25. Oh great – vagina breath is all hilarious now, but wait until that (bow-chicka-bow-bow) private time with hubby. Suddenly owning the vagina is not so glamorous. As if I didn’t have a hard enough time trying to relax. Because, obviously. Good grief – thanks Aunt Becky! 🙂

  26. I have four little house yappers and when one of them gets an upset tummy and starts squirting shit all over the place I wish like hell one of the others would take up the habit of poo eating just so I wouldn’t have to scrub it up myself. My sister left a beagle with me that would eat every turd that fell out of a dog’s ass within a 50 mile radius, including her own. You’d have thought I never fed her. After 8 years of living with that dog I wouldn’t let her lick the air around me much less anything attached to me. She’s dead now… thank all the gods and goddesses. She was sweet but nasty. That only works well together if you’re getting paid for being both. I used to pull my sleeve over my hand to pet her. Every single one of the dogs likes horse shit. Nothing like having a fresh horse biscuit brought to you by your loving family pet. Yummm! Lay another one of those things in my bed you little fucker and it’s the last thing you’ll do this side of glory. Yeah, right… They never take me seriously!

  27. yeah, I have a couple of poop eaters here too. The best? I give them pills to make the poop taste bad. Yup, make the POOP TASTE BAD. Always thought that was a given, poop=bad taste. Apparently not the case.

  28. I just paid over$350 to get my dog’s teeth cleaned and stup the ‘gina smell for about six months. I was short the money but it was totally worth it. Oh yeah.

  29. Yea, Aunt Becky, to comment on my blog you have to sign up. I know it stinks to sign up for stuff you don’t know…however, if you add yet another blog to your growing list of things to do they do pay!! Very little, but they have sent me like 5 $10 Target gift cards.

  30. I’m not sure if anyone else said this yet but they had something about poo eating on “It’s Me or the Dog”. I vaguely remember them saying it has something to do with their diet or how fast they eat. It might be on the website if you are interested in looking.

  31. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for the mental image Aunt Becky! All I can think about now is that damned poker playing dogs picture with one of them calling out to the waitress

    “what do you have on tap?”

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