Did you know that the original title of “Where The Red Fern Grows” was “A Boy and His Dog?” Now you do. I don’t know why I can regurgitate that particular bit of information and barely remember my middle name. Is it Sherrick or is it Elizabeth? I DON’T REMEMBER, Pranksters!

Anyway, the editors must have thought that the the original title lacked some pizazz, so they insisted it be changed to something more artsy. I don’t know shit about artsy, but the first title has a little something, but so does the second.

And: SPOILER ALERT: (the dog dies and it’s tremendously sad).

Anyway, yesterday, we were at The Target, otherwise known as MY boyfriend–he’s sleeping around on you, ladies–and I realized that I probably required some new kicky flippity-flops to take on my cruise. I mean, how else can I attract an older man and become a trophy wife like I’ve always wanted, but without a new pair of kicks?

Just don’t remind me that I’m not trophy wife material anymore because you’re CRUSHING my DREAMS, MAN. And that’s SO not cool.

So I picked out these hideous monstrosities that were later called, “like being fucked in the eye.” I thought they were rather charming.

First, my Gerber Daisy shoes (because, Pranksters, you should ALWAYS, as Alex would tell you, refer to a flower by it’s NAME, not simply as “flower” if you know the name):

I thought those screamed Aunt Becky lives here and has a wicked sense of fashion.

Next up were my more nautically themed shoes:

I do NOT believe that anyone at the nursing home would wear these charming shoes, despite what I was told…

…they have no firm arch support. OBVS.

We continued on in the shoe aisle where I was looking for more Garden Boots (it’s a proper noun in my house) for Alex when we happened upon the GIRLS shoe aisle. Since you Pranksters informed me that there was some nifty conversion between adult womens shoes and girls shoes, my shoe collection has increased exponentially, while the maturity level of it has dropped.

I’ve dropped a considerable sum on shoes for my daughter, who happened to be in the cart with me, throwing animal crackers at my head, but unless I planned to duct tape her feet into her shoes, there was no way she was going to wear them. She just…refused.

Amelia, it seems, is a force to be reckoned with. And, for someone who has been through all of the obstacles that she has, I’m really not going to sweat the small stuff. If the girl doesn’t want to wear some motherfucking shoes, well, FINE. There will be a day when she does, and I will REGRET it when I see what the shoes she picks out cost.

But, rather than continue assaulting me with animal crackers, my daughter did an odd thing. She began to squirm and shriek and indicate that she, would, Mom, you ignorant slut, like to look at those MOTHERFUCKING SHOES.

Baffled, I handed them to her. She indicated that she wanted me to place those shoes on her feet. So I did, but they didn’t match up to whatever it was that she thought in her head, so she shook her head “no.” (she’s not speaking much)(I know, I KNOW, I’m not happy either).

She’d then indicate that she’d like THAT pair of shoes, and I’d place THEM onto her feet. Again, she’d decide that they didn’t pass her elaborate standards and no, they’d too go back onto the shelf. For thirty minutes, we did this.

Finally, she spied these:

And by this time, I was pretty much fed up with looking for shoes and ready to go home. So I said, “Amelia, really?”

And she took one look at my incredulous face and said,

“YES!”

And so I dutifully strapped her sausage/marshmallow feet into the shoes and then? She lit up like a wee fireplug/Christmas tree. Turns out, the girl was just waiting for some Chuck T’s.

I’d only be more proud if they were Vans.

Comments

comments

65 thoughts on “A Girl and Her Shoes

  1. Themz some fancy ass shoes, right there! The shitfucker of a town in which we now reside (not to be referred to as my home) does not possess a Target. Can you fucking believe that shit??? I’m in hell. The closest one is 45 minutes away. I might just have to take a lil trip this weekend to get me some new flip floppers.
    ps nice tats on yer feets;)

  2. Okay, I want some pink, sparkly chucks too. Me and mimi need to go shopping. Also, I’d totally wear the gerber daisy shoes…I’m sure they’ll attract just the sugar daddy you’ve been looking for.

  3. You don’t come between a girl and her shoes. That’s how fingers get bitten off. See Lord of the Rings and Gollum’s Precious. Although that’s more about a creepy little man thing and his ring. Still applies.

  4. I am sure that Amelia’s little sausage/marshmallow feet look lovely in those shoes. And I am in the market for a trophy wife. But you would have to share me with my wife. And I’m poor. But other than that I am a real catch.

  5. Ugh – why would you taunt me with such awesome shoes that my grotesquely large feet can’t fit into? Ah, the hours I’ve wasting yearning after little girls shoes.

    That probably came across different than intended.

  6. Awesome sparklie shoes! Good choice Mimi.

    And my toe hurts looking at your shoes Bex. I cant do the thong thing, or anything that goes in between my toes. My feet are built weird I think.

  7. My Amelia would declare those “rockstar shoes” and I wouldn’t be able to leave the store alive without buying them. She’s 6 & will wear shoes that are too tight because “they are the only cute ones [she] has.” Her shoe obsession began many moons ago.

  8. I am currently being crippled with a pair of crazy high shoes-also with no arch support because I have been doing the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred thing and it has killed my legs.
    I’m terribly immature and am embarrassed to say I have over 100 pairs of shoes.
    I did buy a pair in the Miss Trish line you are modeling above. I got the black coral looking ones with the pearl and the sparkly starfish.

  9. Girl, that Mimi is my kinda kid!! Although, I’d much prefer puple to pink sparklies. I’ve got a pair of gerber fips, but the flower is made out of a nice, soft, red fabric. Yours look like they’re gonna hurt, I’m afraid.

    p.s…Text me the cruise info, and I’ll storm the ship posing as a Somali pirate who wants nothing more than to be your “sugar daddy” OR I could probably fit into my son’s Jack Sparrow costume if you’d prefer a gay pirate “sugar daddy.”

  10. sparkly chuck t’s!!!! fuggedabout it. amelia’s got sneaker swag.

    just when i thought your optic nerve was enough to catch your sugar daddy, you go and up the ante with those bedazzling flippity flops! well-played.

  11. Any girl who knows anything knows that you HAVE to have a pair of Chucks in your shoe arsenal.

    And, I love those shoes. I don’t think they look old lady-ish. But I’m totally an old 27 year old. So my opinion might be a little skewed…

  12. The daisies are my faves – but my high arches (they’re highhhhh like Method Man yo) need support – so it’s heels or Crocs. I’m wicked jealous of the flats. And the cruise.

  13. I’d totally wear the shoes Amelia got if they came in size 10 women sized. Which they probably don’t. Why can’t my marshmellow feet get some pink sparkly love?

  14. I’d be more thrilled if they were Simple Shoes….those be mys fav’s………..I really do miss my Simple Shoes….do they still make simples?

    By the way…I loved loved loved the starfish shoes!

  15. My daughter loves sparkle pink shoes….we got a pair last fall at Children’s Place.

    When she was 1-3 I purposely dressed her in Vans. Her FAVORITE were the “fire” shoes- yes flames on black, but she also loved the “pirate” shoes – which of course skulls & crossbones!

  16. Boo would be in HEAVEN with shoes like that! Seriously, pink AND sparkly? In her opinion it doesn’t get any better than that. Amelia has good taste. 😉

  17. Oh man, girl’s got STYLE! And my daughter does the exact same thing with clothes. She knows what she likes and will let you know.

    Oh, and Target is my husband. We have an open relationship, so he is allowed to slum it with you.

    P.S. The Gerber Daisy sandals are HAWT!

  18. My kids both have been wearing Converse since they hatched. Mackenzie’s only crib shoes were purple and blue plaid Converse. She’s so stuck up about them now, that she won’t wear the Target All Stars. “They aren’t real Chucks.” She needs smacked something fierce sometimes, ugh, teenagers. I need to post a picture of her favorite Chucks, they are so worn out I don’t know how they even stay on her feet. Good thing, I can still tell Mea what to wear for a few more years.

  19. I’m sorry, but the nautical themed shoes…I do not care for them. However, I am thankful that the arch strap is not connected to the toe, because then it would look like your toe is on a leash. *shudders*

    Mimi was obviously waiting for the perfect pair of shoes. Now, you are in for some trouble, because usually the perfect pair of shoes does not come cheap. Guess the Daver will have to up it to 200 hours of work a week, just to keep his girls in shoes! Or maybe you’d better become a trophy wife.

    Also, in that picture? You definitely look about 12.

  20. i HAZ those gerber shoes. Fabulous. And your poor little baby girl. So sweet she gets her way.

    Enjoy that cruise. far Far FAR away from reality 😉

  21. No way do you catch the older man to buy all of your heart’s desires without the shoes. Well, unless you go the silicone chesicles route, but I fear the pain, so I stick to the shoes! Plus, childbirthing blessed me with a good deal of chesticle action. Booyah, bring on the sugah dadday!!! Have tons o fun!!!

  22. You just can’t come between a girl and her Chucks. I owned some vans in high school… no clue where they ended up. Maybe they’re in my room somewhere…

  23. Personally, loving the whimsical shoes dude. But the “being fucked in the eye” response? Oh holy hell! I just laughed so hard my cake-stuffed stomach hurts (yes I’m eating Josh’s birthday cake while he’s at work…what?).

    And that Mimi has killer taste. Too freakin cute.

  24. Me and Layla are going shopping for some chucks this weekend, no joke.

    Mommy and Baby need some matching red all-stars.

    My own chucks have lasted me through 3 long term boyfriends and they are held together by a few distressed threads that once collectively dreamt they were a pair of shoes.

  25. Ok, so I’m jealous of your cruise, jealous of getting new shoes and time to shop in Target, and now I’m jealous of Mimi’s rockin pink sparkly shoes. Can I be you???

  26. I read Where the Red Fern Grows out loud, night after night, to my boys when they were about 8 and 10. Warped them (and me) forEVer; sobbing and tears of Resentful Boy ensued. As for shoes, having boys, as long as they were Vans or Chuck Taylors we were pretty much okay, but man, those sparkly ones? I might race you AND Mimi to the checkout line for those.
    Love, love.

  27. That was awesome. I am the biggest shoe dork ever. I don’t even understand the “Chuck T” reference, although I do know what Vans are. I didn’t have a great selection of shoes at the Payless growing up (although, fuck it, I still check there first before I hit the DSW-types.)

  28. Oh, just hearing the name “Where the Red Fern Grows” brought on a huge wage of nausea left over from the childhood trauma I experienced from that story. What is it with those “kids” stories where the sweet little dog DIES?!?!?

    Mimi’s got great taste! Sparkly ballet flats are hot shit right now.

  29. Um how hot are your coral colored toes? Did you do that to match the Gergers or are you just cool like that? The nautical ones, well, um… but they are appropriate for a cruise and atracting a 60 plus suggar daddy for sure. Amelia is the shit. The girls got good taste man. Cool tats too, i am tatless but like other peoples cause I would so never get one. xoxo

  30. You know Amelia will grow out of them in 2 weeks and you will start the whole process over. I bought 3 pairs of size 6’s for my daughter about a month ago and I…(I of course meaning she) has lost all but one shoe. Should come in handy if her leg gets bitten off by a bear in the next couple of weeks…

      1. A store in NorthHampton MA, I must confess I only took a picture of them but have been salivating over them since so much so I feel like karmically they are mine already….I just haven’t been back but the next round of tattoo’s I think I must go get them.
        http://yfrog.com/4eyywpj Seriously I have been obsessing over them! I will keep you posted if you are interested. I will definately be back around May 29th.

  31. OH MY EYES! Sorry. The first two are….um….not really my style. But it’s YOUR feet so I guess I have to let you pick whatever you want, right???

    The shoes for Amelia? Drop dead gorgeous!

  32. Adorable! My daughter could spend hours in a shoe store. It would of course be trashed but she would try on every pair. I think she needs some pink sparkly shoes now!

  33. How funny! My girls never cared much for shoes, unless I told them they would make them run faster! Even now, at 15 & 20, they are kicked off as soon as they hit the couch. My son however, I don’t believe I’ve seen his feet in 20 years. He’s 23 now.

    And I love the sausage/marshmallow reference. Perfect!

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